Black DOG 13

Scaredycat Crossed post. So sorry to hear your sad news. Hope you can sleep tonight with everything going round in your head. I love red squirrels. Once in cottage in Lake District a family y of 5--came to the feeders regularly in back garden. 3 baby ones ran around and 1 crossed within a couple of foot from mine. X

Wyllow3 So pleased you've had a better day. Even a small improvement is heartening. Some contentment is wonderful. We sometimes need to live in that moment and store it up to remember for the tougher times don't we?
HVDY Your sister-in-law must appreciate her time with you so much, even if that's difficult for her to express, given her illness. It's so kind of you. How lovely you have had all your family around you today. What a tonic that can be, especially when they are all doing good right now. That's so lovely to read. Sure Mr Cooper slept through all the chatter!
Doodle Hope your legs are not too bad from the cycling. I still have loved out of fashion/too small/not 'suitable' (stuff I wore when much younger) left in drawers and wardrobe. One tiny part of mind thinks--maybe, one day.But seriously know that day won't happen. I should have a clear out too.
Yes, I have factual proof that some thing's wrong (bleeding). It's necessary as otherwise I could be fobbed off with the Chronic Pelvic Pain Syndrome label that's given to many women's painful conditions that don't get diagnosed. I was asked, 8weeks after the first op if I'd take a photo of the blood. This morning I spoke to a GP as I feel I might not be believed. I don't see consultant for couple of weeks. He just said he'd recorded it in files. Still have other conditions. Blubbed through a lot of my session today. She was lovely and helped me try to coral my thoughts of how to act. I just need desperately to see 'my' GP when she comes back at end of next week. Have not had excruciating pain I had before, only mod p pain. It's abnormal for this to happen to me. About Hysterectomy, I spoke about this to consultant when I had bad pain just after latest op. He seemed doubtful at the time and said it wouldn't necessarily free me from pain. He's been inside there and abdomen. Will need to talk to him about all of these things next appt. Way too much info here I'm aware. I feel like I'm chatting to friends but forget. Sometimes feel I'm losing it--told councillor. Given some 'strategies'. In darkness of night I still feel there's no way out. No one can help. No cavalry on way. On a tightrope with no safety net. Just can't believe what's happened. Affected me so much mentally. I've had invasive surgery into tummy and the bleeding still happening. It's unbelievable! Sorry, getting anxious.

Well-2 kilos today?.

Hope you are okAnnie We all think of you and are wishing you well and care. ?
Take care all and hope you have a peaceful night. X

SweetPeaSue- I,m glad your pain has lessened but that unexplained bleeding must be so frightening for you. I do hope it stops until you can see consultant. Hope the counselling has gone well today.
Nadaturbe- thank you for your kind thoughts.
Doodle- I think I,d crawl from the bike to bed!! Oh I love watching squirrels especially baby ones. Although the park is big with beautiful trees we saw hardly any.
Wyllow- so glad today is a good one for you. Contentment is a lovely word.
HVDY- a good day for you too - so nice to hear. Love that you can see your sons so often .

Yesterday was a bad news day . One of my friends who has been Ill for a long time is in hospital having tests for sepsis and then my former SiL ( who I am very fond of) rang to say her husband had died. So my head was very busy last night and early this morning. So much sadness around at the moment.
But today I had lunch with my friends which was lovely - just like pre Covid days.
I hope you are all able to have moments of joy todayxx

SweetpeaSue How bad is the bleeding? It shouldn't be happening but I wonder what "they" can do. How was the counselling?
Wyllow3 Glad you're feeling better. Good days are precious.
Doodle You're doing the cycling and that's good. You're getting a decent amount of exercise, by the sound of it.

I hope all on BD have had a decent day. I went to the day centre, took my sister-in-law. Then Son1 and his girls, and Son2 with his GF and her daughter were all here for a while. It's been a good day x

Today is a bit better so far, hurray. I have had some contentment..

Love to all BD's who aren't feeling so good.

Sweetpeasue just hoping tomorrow's counselling helps.

Annie thinking of you as ever.

Wave to all other BD's, too tired to say more but you are all as ever in my thoughts.

nadateturbe so pleased you managed to message Annie. There are many people on GN who think of her as she’s so kind to so many. You are welcome to post here any time you feel like it. We don’t compare how one is worse than others or in a more difficult situation. We accept that all of us suffer in our own ways. Nice to hear from you.
Wyllow sorry you had a bad night. Hope the duvet day is a help. Thank you for the book suggestion. Anything that helps is worth looking in to. I hope the therapy helps over time.
Scaredycat the reason I do my riding late at night is I tend to forget or be too busy during the day then just before bed I feel guilty and think I must persevere. It’s all I can do to get from the bike to bed. ? yes I can look out of the window from the bike but by the time I get to it, it’s dark.
Glad you had a nice walk in the park. We walked to our local park today too. Lots of squirrels around.
HVDY you made me laugh. Having revenge in your son and messing up his home ?. I’m sure you will still have your granddaughters round to visit but it will be lovely for your son to have his own place. You have done him proud helping him over this time to still keep in touch with his children and cater for them all.
I hate the “whatiferies”. Wish I didn’t do that but I’m a born pessimist.
Wyllow you’ve had a lot to deal with but at the same time a great understanding of your situation and needs. If you feel moving is a good idea it might be good to have something to look forward too. It must be a very complex situation to have someone that you care for so much who has hurt you so much. I do hope the counselling helps.
Sweetpeasue there’s a lot of things I’ve got rid of that I don’t fit into anymore ?. The bike riding is going very slowly so I’m sure you’ll catch up soon.
I’m glad the pain is better and hope the other treatments are helping. The thing about the bleeding is that it is a fact. You can’t make it up, it’s a physical thing that needs to be sorted. Hopefully they will realise that.
Hope your counsellor can help. Please take care.
Dear Annie we are all thinking of you and wishing you well. Hope you are ok and the new bed is comfortable. Sending you much love x

Wyllow3 and Doodle thanks.
I got to know Annie through another thread, which is why I looked at this one.
But I do think of you all each day. Life is not perfect for me, but compared to what some of you are dealing with I realise I am very fortunate.
I hope you all have a peaceful evening. ?

Doodle You sound as if you're having a spring clean in the Autumn- getting rid of stuff you and husband don't want. Afraid I've not been on bike today so you must have overtaken me. Perhaps I might get a little in later. You are a real inspiration. I mustn't get down about things.
HVDY It's so lovely that things are working out for your sons, I'm so pleased for you. You did make me smile about getting your own back when they get moved in. I hope you're OK in yourself. That 'Happiness Trap' book sounds interesting I agree.
Wyllow3 Your last post sounded as if you might have made your mind up about the moving perhaps being next year. I'm so sad for you - your walk must have been very emotional. You sound more than ready for your counselling sessions and I'm sure that will be a key factor in getting out your anger and some sort of relief and closure. I'm just so sorry about everything you've suffered in life. Thankyou for the book recommendation. Interesting.
Scaredycat Think you might live in the south of UK if some of trees in your park haven't 'turned' yet but they are looking beautiful aren't they?
It felt kind of you to say we'd be brave together as I'm feeling so disheartened right now.
Annie I think of you every day and hope you start to feel better. You started BD and it's helped so many to not feel completely alone with their feelings and problems. We all appreciate that.

I'm grateful to not have the uterus pain I was getting or the extreme bowel pain I went through. But I now have started bleeding again all day. Just bone weary of it. Never-ending. See Consultant in couple of weeks but he won't know what to do. He's already been inside. Maybe they've messed up my hormones in THAT op 2 yrs ago. I'm on the floor but I see my counsellor tomorrow. Not seen her for couple of weeks. Maybe it will help but don't think anyone can now. Need to be brave. If Annie Scaredycat and all of you here can, then I can. Hope you all have a peaceful night and manage to get through it without pain or anxieties. X

The best bit of me and Ex was the walks and cycles and meals. when I met him I was in a bad state as regards getting out - I had not left my house/bed except as an inpatient for 9 years. I still find it hard to get out where we used to go because the best memories are there. today I went out for a walk in a high fave place, its the only one I've gone to since we split. And its just that bit more mine as Ex didn't like it as much as me due to the very uneven ground and his ankles.
I often just feel lonely but as i set out I decided to include him in my heart for a while so's to help me grieve, which I have avoided since one night about 2.5 months ago when it hit me so hard I didnt want to live. I've buried it since then.

and inevitably as I walked all the abusive and awful things came up, as well as my usual utter bewilderment about the "jekyll and hyde" aspects of the last 9 months. How much he hid for 11 years (how much I refused to see, as I was so attached). Cant wait for more counselling to explore and it to be safe to be sad and angry and get some closure.

I've thought a lot about moving as I've said before: since one "takes ones head with you" to new places, but OTOH I am more sure now that I do need to get away from the memories in the house. (As well as expense, as I can't afford to keep it up properly). We are talking next year or longer if I am still so tired all the time, as its a big undertaking. I'm theoretically well versed in effects of abuse and so on, read and read, now I need to live them.

Wyllow3 Well done with your 1st counselling. I'm sure that over the weeks you'll get to talk about things in more depth, and hopefully, it will do some good. I'm going to look for the book "The Happiness Trap"
Doodle I, too, rate comfort above looks. You're also right about intelligence and kindness being more important. I like to think I'm kind and reasonably intelligent. Well done with your cycling.
ScaredyCat I wake up between 5.30 and 6.30, usually with palpitations and the "what ifs". We alter the clocks this weekend, so I hope I might wake up later. The trees look beautiful, don't they.
Anniebach Hope you're ok. How's the bed?
SweetpeaSue I hope you're doing alright and not having pain.

I hope all on BD has managed to have a decent day. The GDs are here today until Sunday lunchtime. The house is already like a tip, but it'll be the last time they'll stay here, as they'll stay with their dad at his new house. I'd like to go there, leave the lights on, leave wet towels on the floor, get my sweaty hands on the mirrors, and generally make a mess . x

SweetPeaSue- we can be brave together x
Doodle- you,re doing brilliantly on the bike. I think I,d fall off if I did it before bed I always feel shattered then. Can’t understand why I wake up so early. It’s the flippin whatifferies that attack me then. I saw one of those lovely golden trees the other evening as the sun was going down they look so beautiful. Can you look out of your window from the bike?
Wyllow- We probably need a bigger couch!!!!
Yes we did get out today in the big park on our town- the trees look pretty but not really turned properly yet.
Lovely to see all the half term kids enjoying the lovely sun.
Annie- if you are reading this hope you are getting some help this week. Sending a massive hug your wayxxxxx
Love to all BDGxxxx

Bother, my link didnt work. OK - jere is the front page, if you google it:

THE HAPPINESS TRAP

pocket book

an illustrated guide on how to stop struggling and start living

Russ Harris and Bev Aisbett

£9.99 paperback

Morning all. Usual awful depressive night but picking up as ever with a big latte and gransnet. I'm wiped out and the kindest thing to do is declare a duvet day and make good positive choices.

nadateturbe I'm very glad it you got through. thin of you a lot *Annie" tho its tough for you to come in (and there is no rule saying you have to!)

*Doodle you are right about koko with that little bit of exercise and not judging if possible as in "I only did"'s. and you say, "The most important thing is to be able to be kind to others and show compassion." and that, believe me, is the most intelligent thing any of us can do, whether we manage it all the time or not.

Sweetpeasue may today too be "not quite as bad" painwise again.

I've put quite a bit of thought into the positive affirmation thing HVDY. It is helpful for some but...well can also make others feel "I ought to be's".
I'd discuss it with your therapist honestly. They have other "tactics".

I'm going to step out and take the risk and recommend a book that my psychologist recommended to me. it actually has a picture version as I cant concentrate and read. Its a useful addition to the 100% positive affirmation approach and I do recommend it strongly.

Note- it does not help when you feel so abject that nothing will reach in but has helped me accept more of myself and not fight it. Its a mindful ness approach called Acceptance and Commitment therapy and it makes sense to an old psychotherapy hack like me as useful CBT

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Oh my do I catastrophise and beat myself up.... budge up on the couch...

Hope you can get more autumn pleasures in today Scaredycat.

Yesterday as it was an initial counselling session we didn't start to cover loss, probably my most difficult area. Its not just not being able to cry, but a block which damages me inside for other areas of emotion and for me like some others leads to the depressions.. So will try and head into it next time

Doodle thank you. Problem solved.

Evening all. Been busy today cleaning, washing hair and going to meeting so late dinner. Relaxing now I am pleased to say.
HVDY DH and I do very little online. I have never sold anything on eBay but DH has sold two bits of camera equipment. It seemed to go ok. My DIL is very into it and has bought all sorts of things from chairs to paving for the garden.
Neither of those links you mention would work for me. ?. Body beautiful I am not. Nor intelligent, bright or anything like that. I am long past the phase of being concerned about that stuff. At my age comfort comes before looks. We are all as intelligent as we are. My DH is pretty brilliant. I would always be in the last 3 in class. Not due to not trying just because I am not able to understand things like others can. It used to worry me but now I think other things are more important than being able to discuss politics or intellectual things. The most important thing is to be able to be kind to others and show compassion. (Or is that my way of compensating for not having the looks ?)
Wyllow that sounds really positive. I hope it works for you.
I often find it takes me a few days to process new things in my mind. A good sleep tonight should help.
Screfycat I mean to ride the bike earlier but I forget the. Feel guilty before I go to bed and do it then. I can’t tell you how hard it is. I think I am only doing 1 kilometre or maybe mile but it’s one of something. I find it so hard. My legs ache so much. I am determined to persevere doing it every day to see if it gets easier. Sorry you are a bit wobbly. I love trees. We have one opposite our lounge window which is yellow at the moment but golden in the sunlight. I sit and look at it for ages. Trees are my favourite parts of nature I think.
There you are, you have something you can use for yourself today. You are a kind person. That’s high up on my scale of importance. ?
Sweetpeasue if you’ve done 2 kilometres you are not behind me but in front. Ok tonight I’ll have to put on my Lycra and see if I can catch up a bit. Well done. Glad the pain has been a little better.
nadateturb nice of you to post. I have sent Annie PMs in the past so perhaps you didn’t spell her username properly. I’ve don’t that in the past with others.
Scaredycat I hat that panic thing when you feel you’ve inadvertently done something wrong. I have been there too and the panic is awful. Glad you’re feeling better now,
Annie we love you and miss you. Hope you are able to read if not post. Take care

Scaredycat You're not alone, I think many of us do this. I know I do. We worry because we care. If we didn't care we wouldn't worry. Don't know what the answer is. Not caring isn't an option for us is it? I'm very touched, Scaredycat, that you, who have gone through so much could call me brave. You really are the bravest. ?

SweetPeaSue- I was worried that something I had done compromised our security. Totally over the top and it turned out to be nothing but the reaction feels so awful . It was catastrophising with knobs on.Better now. I,m so glad your pain has lessened- you are brave.x
Annie- thinking of you and hope things brighten for you soonxxxxx

Anniebach thinking of you. tried to pm you but not able to send for some reason.xx

Scaredycat The Autumn sunlight on the trees has been lovely hasn't it? I'm sorry you feel a bit 'wobbly'. A walk can help, I agree. It's just making that first move--that initial decision can feel such a huge task at times. I'm wondering, now, what it was that was scared you!
HVDY Lovely that your husband had a lucky win. Those affirmations sound really hard. I would have thought most of us would find them difficult to say for ourselves.
Wyllow3 Glad the counselling session went well. They can certainly be exhausting. It must be very hard for you to recall some things. Hope you feel better after your rest.
Doodle You need to go gently. Don't be doing too much. - - (I'm right behind you but your difficult to catch! Done 2 kilometers today. ?.
AnnieI so hope you're feeling a little better. Thinking of you. X

Have had a walk today. Pain wise so much better. Just wish I could feel brighter but I'm sure that will pass. Hope you're all OK. You too EllieAnne. Love to all on BD.

ScaredyCat That's lovely of you to say. Thank you. You're a very kind lady x

Doodle- well done keeping up the bike work- that was a late session!! Sellotape is one of my enemies - why does it stick to everything but the bit you want it to!!
Walking today the light on the trees is so pretty- raised my spirits which are a bit wobbly at the moment.
HVDY- I just couldn’t do those affirmative exercises. Today for example I could say - I really made a good show of losing it when something scared me!! Or I really worried about nothing fantastically!! I could do some for you though. You could say I am a brilliant Mum and Grandma. I have 2 wonderful sons, I have come through more than most people experience. And I know you are a beautiful person too.
Wyllow- It sounds very hopeful that the counselling sessions are going to be a help for you. A good idea if possible to have monthly maintenance sessions too afterwards. Relax and enjoy the rest of your day.
Love to allxxx

Will come back in later as totally cream crackered as went to gym early then had my first counselling session re abuse (not to mention life in general including possible discharge and being 71 and needing to make future decisions after we deal with all the DH stuff.). It went very well I think, I have to absorb it. it included plotting a possible once a month check in after we do stuff on abuse if I get discharged. Cost is within my budget - only just - but I have spotted possible partial grant within Quaker means.

Sending love to ALL BD's and will be in later, sorry have to curl up now and absorb it all.

ScaredyCat You were very kind to help your friend. We all need a bit of help at times.
Doodle Do you sell things on eBay, Facebook, etc.? A friend of mine sells a lot of clothes that way, and makes hundreds.

How is everyone? I emailed my CBT lady about the affirmations, and she sent me a link to something on YouTube. Some of theses things aren't going to work with me - one is "I am beautiful, intelligent, fun and full of life", another is " My body is beautiful exactly the way it is". We all have days when we look in the mirror and think "Actually, I look decent today, my hair/make-up/eyes look nice", but body?! No, I need to work on that a LOT for it to look good. Perhaps today/this week can be the start of that. Hope everyone on BD is ok x

HVDY you had a successful day yesterday. Congratulations on DHs winnings.
I’ve had a faffing about day today too. Helping DH wrap up some things he is selling. Who would know two people could get so tied up with a roll of sellotape.
Wyllow you are very kind but take it from me I have no artistic talent whatsoever. I have no eye for design and no sense of colour. However, I enjoy crafting so I don’t let that put me off playing around with paints or sewing.
Glad you had a good time at Quakers and a better nights sleep.
Scaredycat I’ve never heard of affirmative exercises either. I’d be no good at that. That’s so kind of you to help your friend. I bet it was much appreciated. We all need help from others sometimes.
Annie thinking of you and wishing you well.
Thinking of all on BD. Sleep well.
I’m just off to torture myself on the exercise bike ?