Black DOG 13

Nice post HowVeryDareYou
As for tonight - go for it! ;0)

I'm not sad about Mr Cooper today but thought I'd share this photo I took in June. He looked so handsome.

Hope you frame it as it's a beautiful picture of Mr Cooper .

I've always had photos of him around the house. (and of 2 other cats before him). Our living room has got a half-bay window, and on the smaller part is a huge laminated picture of him, which a friend took (she used to cat-sit but she's a professional photographer too)

Oh HVDY That's a gorgeous photo. Thankyou for posting that. He was such a lovely handsome boy wasn't he? 😍

I used to have a tiger cat. Part of long term thinking when I settle elsewhere and depending on family dynamics (they are not local and if I get my energy back may spend a lot more time there).
Had a panic this morning: grounded myself and slept some more then went for a swim so feel OK. Just balancing watching everyone who of course now appears to be in couples and lurve songs with how I feel, and sometimes its right to go for it and sometimes avoid. After ringing in crisis on Tuesday I do feel they "have my back" a bit more.

SweetpeaSue Yes, he really was. I've got LOTS of photos of him on my mobile.
Wyllow3 I'm glad you're feeling more settled.

Son2 came round (just gone)and chatted at length with me, for about 3 hours (my husband sat reading the paper, he's not good at deep conversations grin). It seems all is not well with Son2 and his GF, and she's been quite unpleasant with him recently, blaming her pregnancy hormones. I sat and listened - it's all we can do, as mums, isn't it?

Wyllow3 Glad you feel ringing Crisis was worthwhile and feel it has made them more aware of your needs. Also that you managed to go out for your swim. Especially after your panic/anxiety this morning.
HVDY Oh it's lovely when you can have a chat with son like that. It only happens occasionally myself but DH is not good at that either. Is it a 'man thing'? I'm sure your son felt better for getting it all out.

Had a pain and gut probs last night. Slept a little then woke at 4 and felt so scared about everything. Is it bowel adhesion regrowing? Why did consultant discharge me when he knows I've bled again? Why has he only now replied to my saying how angry I am that the other consultant failed at trying to do something without my permission, by saying I could start litigation. Can't say more but I watched the dawn break this morning and tried to feel God and prayed. I felt so alone. But I'm feeling much calmer and thinking more moderately now.
Hope you're OK Doodle EllieAnne*
Whiff. all on BD. Love and thoughts to Annie. X

Well its really nice to be trusted, HVDY.

Most hospitals have a PALS service Sweetpeasue (ie agency within-but-separate from clinical for complaints, comments, feedback) Usually they try to act as go betweens to resolve matters. I think you need to be clear what you want out of it. FWIW, my sister and her husband are retired gastroenterologists and years of listening to them tell me there is much they can't easily figure out. So many factors at work, physical and emotional. It comes down to "living with" if nothing atm showing up on the MRI and any other relevant tests. Until you have more evidence. "If only someone can explain it" you must feel.
Most of all explain the bleeding, has anyone said why that might be?

I think what you must be missing most is the feeling that someone competent is "overseeing" you can take fears too. Just maybe if you go to the pain clinic at least you are in the system for a bit for discussions. And concerns could lead to relevant referrals.

And the anger factor. Needs resolving. PALS for that? At least someone to chat it over with.

(I know a bit more about it than I might, for I have had 3 bowel operations. And adhesions resulting from, and possibly IBS which complicates everything and is emotion related, and currently I need to re visit the issue, GP next week: I also know if I dont do the yoga with a lot of pelvic stuff its worse)

Wyllow3 Thankyou for all that information. It's kind helpful of you.
I made formal complaint first time because I wasn't told about a complication in op. Then Pals suggested I write the second and that ended up with a long meeting. Things were missing from my medical notes that I'd sent for and I was treated extremely badly which resulted in something terrible for me and I could never go back to that Gynae dept ever again.
I had CT colonography, CT scan on bowel, 3 A&E visits(2 advised by GP and Gynaecologist) really was in agony. I couldn't bear it if it was to return to that, and it affected my uterus and bladder too. The uterus pain was terrible too. Sorry but I'd better not go there.
Oh it sounds as if you've really been through the mill Wyllow, so very sorry--it must have been horrendous.
I've never had previous abdominal surgery so I'm thinking my adhesion could have been caused by infection and inflammation. A lot I don't know. One thing I know. I only had a tiny bit of spotting that led to an Investigative Hysteroscopy. No problems before that. Then the dreadful pain from that Hysteroscopy and continuous bleeding for a month at first. I knew it had gone wrong. Had 2 before and all you're expected to have is a bit of spotting a day or 2 later.
Sorry if I've gone on. Ill never forget the fear back then.

Wyllow3 There's so much I can't say here but I've proof that I was lied to and 2 complications happened in my operation. How much that has led to my problems now has to be established. But after the surgeons first mistake with the instrument he should never have continued to take out a fibroid(which he failed at) as not only was it not causing any problems, had not been assessed with previous scans, but I hadn't signed for, a serious mistake in itself.

I'm so sorry but I feel so very upset. It never goes away. I don't think it ever will. I can never make people understand what it all did. Everyone who was in authority in that trust was involved. There are NO independent investigations - - it was all 'in house'. I'm not a person who is familiar with conflict and it made me/makes me so ill. It has almost destroyed me and my relationship. Better finish now.

Whiff that’s really sad about your son. I’m so sorry he can’t see how you’ve cared for him. You do well to be positive about yourself and keep going. You’ve had a lot to deal with including your MIl. Can’t understand why someone would care for one grandchild but not another.
As Wyllow said, you’ve done well to turn yourself around. I’m glad you are able to see the good things about yourself too.
I’m no oil painting so my good points are not too many wrinkles and my hair has kept its colour.
Wyllow do you think it’s a good thing to accept where you are now and that your MH issues may never be resolved? Does it bring you a sense of knowing yourself. Over the years I’ve tried to change the way I see things but I know I will always come back to the same anxiety and worry. It’s the way I am and my mind works. Go seeking a green shoot somewhere. A bud waiting to open. It’s what I do on my walks.
Glad you feel Crisis helped, the swimming is good too.
HVDY I expect you’ve got a bit more time to yourself now you son has moved out. Bet you miss having him around so much though. It is indeed a lovely photo of Mr Cooper. A most handsome cat.
Hope you did go out and had an enjoyable evening.
Just read your second post. Sorry about your son and his GF. It could well be hormones. Perhaps she’s worried about how they will cope or not feeling well. Hope things settle soon.
It’s good your son feels he can talk to you.
Sweetpeasue you’re not the only one who’s struggled really hard to feel God at times. Sometimes things seem so bleak. The good news is even at those times he is there listening.
I think of the words to Abide With Me. I find that a comfort.
Sorry you had the pain back again. You seem to have done a good job of calming yourself down which is good. Remember that for next time and use it as a coping mechanism. I do think a visit to the pain clinic might help on a number of fronts as Wyllow said.
What a good and helpful post Wyllow sorry you too have had bowel problems and adhesions. Hope the GP can help.

Whiff I'm so sorry. I realised I didn't acknowledge your lovely and moving post. Huge respect for you looking after your MIL like that. It must have been so extremely difficult, I can't imagine. The pain you've felt over your estrangement with your son is also something I can only imagine. It must be so awful. I don't know how you manage but it must have taken a great effort of will to get to the place you are now. Thankyou for sharing your experiences.
Doodle Thankyou for caring. I know that suffering is a part of life for all and that everyone has their share of sorrow. Feeling alone in something that one feels no one else has experienced is a certain kind of aloneness and intense isolation. I need to feel justice and I'm bitter.

Hope everyone has a peaceful night.

"Wyllow do you think it’s a good thing to accept where you are now and that your MH issues may never be resolved?"

Mostly yes, once I have moved on in terms of divorce and abuse counselling. I'd like to reach a point where they are well defined and I work hard on accepting it.

In a way the CFS, tho not nice, DOES make me slim down expectations of life and slowly I am working out what matters most. Finally giving up on the "I ought to be able to do this, that and the others" - oh, and not looking for magical or quick solutions would help too, I've got more living through things to do. Green shoots come every week at Quakers Doodle and sometimes with other people, I need to learn to find them when alone more easily )

Sweetpeasue the detail you have given has helped me understand, including the conflict averse especially of course with people in power.... and the strains it puts on a relationship, I hope that goes as well as it can.

(I made a major complaint abut Discharge in 2017, it progressed until I found a report with actual lies and the bloke never having met me at all etc etc, when they closed ranks - it took me some very considerable time to build trust after that with new worker when I got back into care).

a few pages back you mentioned that maybe anxiety made bowel stuff worse - it does alas!

the other medical factors you mention I don't understand, except to say that you have mentioned at points people you trust, in part, at times, and although its will be a long hard road, you will be able to rebuild some trust in doctors to lessen the panics.... but you may not be able to get them to agree with you about the complaint..you may have to give that up....

You say up thread if the pain gets worse then referral to pain clinic -

I know I said it up thread, but in your case I think you have important emotional reasons to ask for a referral, in order to feel "at least there is help somewhere" and one good reason is certainly the local clinic here does take emotional factors and anxiety on board (got a friend who went to it).

Hoping BD's have the best nights possible, thinking of you all x

Wyllow3I so appreciate the time you've given to trying to understand my experience. One that I would say is way up in trauma level with the circumstances of my divorce and untimely death of my mother. I was about to suggest if you wanted to know more, you could put my first posts on GN in the search box(and quote the title I used) but I've not directed you to it as I feel worried about you. You have so much to deal with yourself. You do understand though, as you have experienced first hand the 'closing ranks' that happens. It's absolutely astonishing to find out this when you have nowhere to go and have to 'pretend' you don't know this, at every medical appt with a consultant who is one of 'them'. It feels as if you're in a horror film, and this is exactly how it felt for a long time. It's now 2 yrs and at least my husband can accompany me. At the time, during Covid restrictions, he wasn't allowed. I've said enough about myself. I hope you're OK Wyllow and you have a decent night. Take care of yourself. Thankyou again for caring. X

Wyllow3 Hope you have been OK today and just want to thank you for all the information and help last night. You seem to be aware of a lot of things first hand, so to speak.
HVDY Hope you have had a decent day. I noticed on GN thread that lots of places started lovely this morning, as it did here. It very soon turned foggy and has been a pea-souper all day.
Doodle I didn't go for the walk. Was going to go out today but fog put me off. I know it shouldn't have but I can be a bit of a fair-weather walker. Wimpy, I know! I don't know what to do about Pain Management Clinic. I didn't want to go there and learn 'techniques' to live with something that's not diagnosed. It's all not clear at all what's going on. Thankyou for reassuring me and the Hymn's words of comfort.
Scaredycat Hope if you've returned from your holiday you've not come back to the fog. Not sure if you have another week away. If you read this hope you're having a nice break.
Annie You are in all of our hearts and thoughts. If you read these posts know that we are wishing you well and that your pain is lessening.
EllieAnne Whiff* and all take care.

It started off very foggy here, but by lunchtime, it had lifted a lot. DH and I went out for lunch. We didn't go out last night - by the time Son 1 and girls had gone, I made a lasagne for DH and me. That took an hour to cook. When I took it from the oven, I dropped it, straight onto the open oven door. The glass door shattered into about a thousand pieces, the lasagne went all over everywhere, including the large rug, cupboard doors, etc. I burnt my fingers. Bloody hell . DH helped me to clear it all up, and he ordered some glass for the door.

I hope everyone has been ok today x

Sweetpeasue thank you. Quaker meeting gave me a safe warm space to let myself feel real loss as opposed to depression and grateful for it, no moving on without grieving. (Quite a collection of people have avoided that with - equals depression for me)
As regards Pain Clinic - well, it might help, you never know till you try it?
HVDY that incident last night oh how awful! Bad for that feel good factor big time, glad you made it to lunch today.

Bests to Doodle and *Ellie Ann and Whiff and Annie and nadateturbe and all other BD's on this chilly evening, take care.

Wyllow I do think acceptance of things does help with mental health but it’s a really difficult thing to achieve. My DH suffered from CFS for years so I know how exhausting it can be. Certainly changed our life completely. For a long time he fought against it but in his case acceptance helped and took away the pressure.
I’m glad you find Quakers such a help. A warm safe place sounds just what you need. I love being in my church. Just sitting quietly and thinking.
Sweetpeasue you’ve got a lot of anger inside you (completely understandable) and until you can find peace with that it will surface all the time. You need answers and somebody to be held accountable. Whether that will ever happen or not I don’t know but I do feel for you and all you are going through.
I would second Wyllow’s suggestion of the pain management clinic I think it would help. I thought they might look into what’s causing your pain.
Sorry you didn’t get your walk. We went out today and it was glorious. Such a lovely walk with sun shining in the autumn leaves. I loved it. Not surprised you didn’t go if it was foggy.
HVDY I’m so sorry about your meal last night especially your poor burnt fingers. That is so painful. How are you today.?
Not only losing your dinner but all the clearing up too. It must have taken you ages. Good job you DH was around to help.
Hope today has been less eventful and your fingers are ok.
Thinking of you Annie and all the BD . Ellie Anne Whiff
Joce and all.
Hope everyone has a peaceful night.

Wyllow3 I'm glad you enjoy your Quakers meetings. A safe place is what we all need to have.
SweetpeaSue You might never get the diagnosis and answers you need. I fully understand your anger towards "them" and what has happened to you. I, too, was entirely alone when I had my experience. I've had to come to terms with what happened and accept things as they are now. The over-thinking was driving me quite mad. It's difficult for you because you still have pain and problems with your bowel. Some effective pain management might be the best option.
Doodle I was so annoyed with myself, as I'd been looking forward to lasagne. Not to worry, it all got sorted out. My fingers are a bit sore, but nothing major, thanks. You've had better weather where you are, by the sound of it.

I've been doing some online brain-training exercises . It's been so quiet here, just us 2 old fogeys , but really nice.

I hope all on BD has a restful night x

I think I have to give myself up to it Doodle. I have never really been able to grieve properly after my Dad died suddenly when I was 19 and I went on as if nothing had happened, just looked for a bloke to fill the gap. (various factors playing out there, but thats another story)

Hey you hit lucky with the sun there.

HVDY bran training sounds interesting. I'm resting mine with some calming music BBC sounds have come up with, worth a try, this one is calming sounds to evoke autumn colours and peace.
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m001dfwm

brain, not bran. Pah.

HVDY Oh I hope your fingers are not painful today. It must have gone everywhere. I hadn't thought of that happening but I know a lot of modern ovens open that way now. I hope it won't be too costly or take too long for replacement to arrive.
Wyllow I don't know if our trust takes on board emotional reasons for giving priority with pain management, if that's what you meant. I definitely need to sort out what to do. I just don't want to be put on the back burner with getting it diagnosed. I'm still thinking it could be adhesion he took away and don't understand how it could get there. Hope you sleep tonight and Thankyou. You're a mine of information! 😊
Doodle I do still feel angry but it's because I'm scared and I don't know if this latest consultant is being completely up front about some things. It's driving me mad trying to second guess everything. If the adhesion was caused by the debris from the uterus during operation going through fallopian tubes then maybe that stuff going into abdominal cavity set up inflammation that caused adhesion. Why has he put removal of polyps on my discharge note from op which GP read out to me. She was confused. I sometimes think I WILL end up not being believed because I could become paranoid. I don't believe I am yet. Thankyou for believing me and your caring.

Hope everyone has had a not too bad weekend. You too EllieAnne x

X posts Wyllow and HVDY.
Not sure what brain training is so will have to Google it.
Thankyou for the link Wyllow will have a listen later.