Black Dog 14

(btw, I should add that I didnt initially reject him, not for months, there was a point where I had to ask for him to give me some space and expected to "get back together" when his meds had kicked in back a year ago,

but it didn't work out that way: there had been a lot of controlling and shouting before, and he was bi-polar, but then the abuse became very frightening and it took me a long time to identify what the subtle bits were and even a lot longer to decide on first asking for "being together but living separately" then as things got worse, separation. Today couldn't have happened without me continuing to be an "enabler" (I've just done some much more therapy and my own training in that gives me tools...but hopefully this time I have enabled myself to not feel the guilt I did tho I cannot know if it will mean its easier to move on. I do feel a sort of "weight off" shoulders.)

Wyllow3 It sounds as though a lot of different emotions came to the surface with you both yesterday. I'm glad you feel the weight has been lifted.

I woke a couple of times in the night and thought of conversations yesterday - why did I say that/why didn't I say such and such/did Son2 look happy with his GF (No)/did she seem happy with him (No). Pointless over-thinking, as well we all no.

How is everyone this morning? DH and I will probably go out later, to a country park. I feel the need to have some fresh air. I might take the Christmas cards down and tidy up a bit. Hope everyone has a decent day x

That's a great idea HVDY, enjoy, I "hear" the whydidIdsaythats!

Predictably a very broken night, it was such a big thing yesterday and I'm exhausted by it. I wasn't able to reveal some of the things he said on the way back borderline legal and TMI but overall thoughts today is that the toxic bits outweigh the OK bits and take energy I have not got:but I had to find out for myself after not seeing him in months. The wolf will not change his clothing even tho sometimes the wolf could be tender, but the other wolf side is endemic.

I'm probably ducking out of going got see family at weekend, just giving it today to think over. You see after the weekend its full on decorator coming and - just not do-able. I'm off to the gym as if I only just do a little bit, its good for me to get the normality of it back.

HVDY I know you have 2 lovely parks to go to there so if you do hope the weather stays fine. V dark and and intermittent drizzle here. Son and fam not arriving till 6 or 7 as has work today and will be stopping at other son's. Feel like you've made it ok for me to take down our cards. I'm sorry you're left with the anxiety about son n GF. We just want them to be happy but I know life is not that simple and we're helpless to sort it for them. It's good he feels able to talk to you though.
Wyllow3 I hope you felt better after the Gym and meeting some regulars.
You will feel exhausted after such an emotional time yesterday. It all sounds v complex but you said you feel like a weight's lifted from shoulders, so that'significant. Your memories of good times will always be there but the way youve described things here, there has and is such a lot of angst and pain involved too. Try not to deplete your energy levels as the CFS won't make allowances. Thank goodness for your Quaker friends and meetings.

Hope everyone is well. Haven't seen son and granddaughter for 5 mths so looking forward to seeing them. Hoping tummy stays ok as been a bit iffy today. To be expected after eating differently, partly own fault.Legal call tomorrow morning(no stated time) on landline, so worried about what its about and needing to see son n fam.

Wyllow3 People don't usually change, as you know, and your ex hasn't, by the sound of it. Hope you have a better night's sleep.

SweetpeaSue We've got several nice parks not too far away, but went to Gedlig Country park (about 3 miles away). Didn't stay out long because of the rain. You must be really looking forward to seeing your son and his family, especially your GD.

It's dark, wet, and miserable here today. I've scoffed some chocolates, taken the cards down (I keep the Xmas, birthday and Mother's Day ones from my sons, but only for a few years) Love to all on BD x

Hello lovely friends.
Sorry I haven’t been around but it’s been a busy but really nice 2 days of Christmas. I feel very lucky to have been with my daughter and her family both days . Because we have 5 children between us and 12 GC and 4 GGC Christmas Day morning is lots of Face time and phone calls. Then the rest of the day with my DD SiL and their youngest Daughter who is still at home. Yesterday we were there again as well as her eldest daughter and family- chaos!!! The gap left by my dear son is as big as ever and my No1 son is hundreds of miles away so it’s so important to be with those I can be with. Today is a quiet day and tomorrow the whirlwind that is my Daughters middle daughter arrives with her husband and son so more chaos!! I feel very blessed.
It’s such an evocative time and I hope all the little ones in our families will in years to come remember these times as we do the Christmasses past.

I have trouble remembering individual posts when there are a lot so just want to say thank you for sharing your Christmas news and I ,m so grateful to be part of this lovely caring group.
Much love to allxxxx

Scaredycat What a lovely message from you. So pleased youve had such a lovely family time with your daughter and grandchildren, some there and others on facetime. There must be a huge gap there where your dear son would be and at such a time of year, a great loss. I do hope it wont be long before you can meet with your other son. Lovely to hear youve had a nice time. Hope you enjoy your time with your granddaughter and fam tomorrow.

I’m debating whether to take my tree down or leave it till after the weekend. Not expecting any visitors but you never know.
Was a difficult few days as both d in l have health problems in their families so not really in the mood for it all and dh and I still coughing and sneezing. But I did manage a walk this morning. Grandaughters seemed happy with presents but gs wasn’t interested except when he got crayons and paper. Want draw , want draw. He is obsessed with letters and numbers.
I’m so glad it’s over. Now I need to plan a trip to Yorkshire.

Wyllow3 Of course you want to see family. Life would be pretty meaningless without enjoyment and being with the people we love. Acceptance for me doesn't mean not doing those things. It means being realistic and knowing when to stop and being able (most of the time- not always.) to accept my limitations, whilst striving to improve. When I visit my daughter I stay in a hotel close by so that I can have plenty of rests. Take care and don't overdo it 🙂
I think you did well with your meeting yesterday. You have done your best and need to look to your future with no reason to feel guilty.
It was nice to hear how some of you spent the day with family, making good memories. Although Christmas has its sad memories too.
I hope those who got out for a walk enjoyed the fresh air, always lifts the mood..
Hope your stomach is OK Sweetpeasue. It's hard not to overindulge at Christmas.
Anniebach hope you're feeling a little better.x

SweetPeaSue- thank you so much. It,ll be lovely to see this GD she has had a lot of sadness and physical problems but she is always smiling and a very brave girl. Glad your tummy hasn’t been too troublesome.
I lost my son one hot Summers day but Christmas is still the saddest time to be without him . Hope to see my eldest son soon 🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞
EllieAnne- I dread taking my tree down - I just love the lights .
Sorry you still have remnants of your cold. My Daughter and family have had it so don’t know yet if we will dodge it😩 Good to have a walk though it does clear your head doesn’t it.
Sounds like you have a grandson who knows what he likes!!
Hope you get to see your daughter soon and hope she is feeling better.
Nadateturbe-that’s a good idea to stay in a hotel when you visit your daughter - it must be more relaxing if you can take time out easier. Yes it was lovely to be out walking this afternoon but a lot more chilly than the Christmas weather.

Ellie Anne just glad you have survived Christmas - they came, it went OK - I hope so much the trip to Yorkshire is a "for you" trip.

Scaredycat enjoyed sharing your pleasure that its gone so well despite the ever present sadness.

Sweetpeasue I must admit to being intrigued about the legal call if its to do with health matters, whatever I hope its benign. Crossing fingers and toes your tum behaves itself tomorrow as it sounds like a nice day coming up there.

HVDY Well deserved chocs and rest, given the grotty day.

I got a message from Ex after posting this morning full of heart emojis and how amazing I was blah blah blah and here is a pic of me - which just follows an old pattern that I won't be buying into anymore: ("love bombing") a cry for help might be attempted next but he'll get "contact your GP or MH people" this time.

Yes, yesterday wore me to a shred and today followed the usual pattern of the gym/quick shop being all I can do(tho very enjoyed - 20 mins walk, 40 mins yoga) and then to have a sleep and after that as per feel fluey, dizzy and nausea.

Thank you for your imput nadateturbe. Just plucking up courage to write to DS and DiL to say sorry can't come and why. (not Ex, but CFS and bowel stuff).

I have thought before of the hotel idea after reading a thread on Gransnet and that's for the future. Interested to hear that's the solution you have reached. There is a little one round the corner but only just googled it not popped in. TBH too tired to feel the love that is there atm as its clouded by trying to keep going - a level of "Acting" and thats just silly.

I'm the past when I was younger feeling low or lonely would be dealt with by throwing myself into physical activity or seeing people. Deprived of this, life's lessons have to be towards self-sufficiency and enjoying the bits that one can. Work in progress.

Reading some other threads about older relatives who are tyrannical and expect to be run around and are nasty too what I find here are that although we all struggle with great difficulties at times we DON'T lay it on our children to "solve". Long may it be so!

The biggest lesson I took away form that delightful cartoon, "the boy, the fox" etc (the book has just arrived)is the horse.

"what's the bravest thing you've ever said" asked the boy. "Help," said the horse, "Asking for help sort giving up", said the horse, "Its refusing to give up".

EllieAnne I'm glad you've managed to cope with last couple of dys. It's not great feeling unwell and sounds like your d i ls weren't well too. Im glad your DGc enjoyed their presents. Hope you'll soon be free from the colds and you can make your trip to Yorkshire.
Scaredycat I'm crossing fingers and toes for you to see your eldest son soon. 🤞
Nadateturbe I'm thinking thats such a good idea to go to a hotel when seeing son. We've not been able to travel up for 2 yrs now because of health issues and used to return same day but always been too much driving time. Think future visits would be so much easier to stay overnight. No night driving too which husband not comfortable with anymore.
Wyllow I too hope call will not be distressing as need to go straight to sons afterwards. Christmas has served to distract from my issues but now palpitations and anxiety rearing. Just want to be free from this terrible feeling of worthlessness that has ensued from what I feel is med abuse. Hope you have a peaceful night and your mind wont be revisiting awful memories.

Love to all on BD. Wishing a quiet night.

I think staying in a hotel if you can afford to makes it easier for everyone. When they come here I book them into the local Premier Inn . It does mean evenings are shorter but that means I am fresher during the day to spend time with children. It's a good compromise.
I got that too about the horse Wyllow3. It's actually a very positive step asking for help.
Palpitations are scary Sweetpeasue. Sometimes I do vagus nerve exercises and it helps, although not always. Although mine are probably mild compared to yours.
Hope you feel better soon Ellie Anne. I've had the bug/virus? 12 days, beginning to feel better, just takes time.

Sorry if I've forgotten anyone. Fingers crossed my energy returns tomorrow. I've had lunch and dinner in bed courtesy of my lovely husband. 🍽 But had a lovely day yesterday 🙂
Night all. Hope you have a peaceful one.

Family have been lovely and understanding, feel very blessed.
Hope you pick up tomorrow nadateturbe found a little place nearby (no premiere inns which I would prefer anonymity) but little place seems unusual for out in the sticks it sates it is "LGBTQ friendly" which is a good start to my mind for accepting non conventional stays.

Sweetpeasue. I so hope for you that something can be resolved so's you can best cope and move ahead. The uncertainty is wearing and scary for you.

Had lovely time today with DS2 and family. Happy but anxious and sad at the same time if that’s possible. So much to worry about. Daytime whatiferies getting to me.
Wyllow glad your meet-up is over now. Lots to think about.
Perhaps it would be a good idea to visit family after the decorator so you can relax a bit. Everything seems to have been a bit full on recently. I’m glad you can now see the pattern to your Exs behaviour and not be drawn in by him.
Your use of the gym is a good idea. I wish my DGS would go both for the exercise and something to do.
So glad your family have been understanding. I hope tonight you sleep well and get some rest.
HVdY I do the same thing, wish I hadn’t said this or that. Was what I said taken the wrong way. Why are we so self critical. Hope your son and his GF work it out.
Glad you got out despite the weather. Always good to go for a walk.
Sweetpeasue hope you have a lovely time with your son and DGD. It must be wonderful to see them after such a long time.
I hope you feel ok and enjoy their visit without any propblems.
Hope the call goes well tomorrow.
Hello Scaredycat what a lovely time you’ve had. You must be exhausted having so many around you. Must be a constant sadness missing your son your other son being so far away.
What a lovely big family group you were. Your DGD sounds lovely you must care for her a lot.
Hope you get that meet up with your other son soon.
Ellie Anne glad all the family came and you got to see your DGC. Hope it went well enough for you not to be worried about it. Sorry you and your DH not feeling that great. Hard to be jolly when you are under the weather.
Did you hear how your Dd got on over Christmas? Hope she’s ok .
nadateturbe hope you had a pleasant Christmas. Good idea to stay in hotel when visiting as it takes the pressure off and allows you to set your own pace,
Annie I hope you had some company over the last few days.
Not been sleeping well recently. Anxiety mainly. Hoping to sleep tonight but will probably be mulling over today.
Sleep well all.

Doodle Very understandable indeed for to feel happy, sad and anxious at same time. I'm glad you had a mainly good day with your son and family. With love comes a sort of fear too because we so want things to be well and life to be kind to those we love. It was definitely a mixture for me too. I do hope you dont have too bad a night. x

Best low-whatifferies night wished for you Doodle.

ScaredyCat Glad you had such a happy time with your family. The sadness of losing a son must be awful, I can't imagine it. Having your other son so far away must be difficult. I hope you can see him soon.
EllieAnne Little ones love drawing, don't they. How old is he?
SweetpeaSue I hope you had a lovely time with your family yesterday evening. Best of luck re the 'phone call today.
Wyllow3 As Doodle says, perhaps you could see your family after the decorating has been done? Take care of yourself.
Doodle Glad you had an enjoyable day with your son and family. I know what you mean about being happy, anxious and sad at the same time. I feel like that too.
Anniebach Hope you're ok
nadateturbe and others on BD - hope your day goes well.

It's dark, dismal, and raining here. Probably go out later. Might go to Son1's and see his girls before they go home this evening. They made the birdhouses from the set I got them, and they painted them, put them (4 in total) in the woods next to Son1's house.

Hope everyone manages to have a decent day, despite the rain x

HVDY how very lovely about the birdhouses. always wanted one!

thinking of SweetpeaSue and the phone call, await report.

I slept for 9 hours, Clearly, I have done the right things re Ex and not going to family! I couldn't believe it. HVDY if energy picks up will go up the weekend near my birthday latish January, but I know very well that after the decorator I'll be flat out! Its a busy week as Sky Engineer coming on the Friday too. Children have half term in February, thats another opportunity, but am now seriously into exploring the hotel thing. They are not in a hotspot tourest area and should be reasonable.

Having a pottering day. I'm getting slowly better at not pushing myself and panicking if I don't see anyone all day in R Life.

Hello all.
Doodle - Ah you sound worried I,m so sorry that it’s affecting your sleep. That constant mulling over what we have said or done and was it right seems to be with most of us. I understand you must concerned for your DH and I hope whatever else is worrying you can be resolved in some way. Hope you have a more peaceful day today. Waiting for the whirl wind to arrive- good thing is don’t have to worry about tidying as she brings so much stuff for one night it looks like an explosion!!
Wyllow- you sound like your mind is much more rested and you have taken control of things so much better. Your family will be happy that you will see them soon and the hotel solution gives you all some time out during your stay. I feel you have turned a corner and am happy for you.
HVDY- weather here is same as yours. Just walked to the pharmacy and got our meds- unbelievably no hassle today!!
Thank you for your kind words - we do hope my son will be able to come soon.🤞 I love to hear about your sons and glad that you are able to see them so often. I hope everything works out for them both. The girls will enjoy going to see if there are any new residents in the bird houses won’t they.
SweetPeaSue- I hope your call goes well today.xx
Have as good a day as possible everyone- take carexxxx

I'm still online after 2 hours, what a nice way to spend a morning, tho I have rearranged the royal Mail delivery. I might even slope over to the TV...

Scaredycat crossing fingers and toes re seeing your son.

Doodle I hope you managed to have some peaceful sleep. It's difficult having things to worry, about whilst trying to be cheerful. I hope your dear husband is having a good day.
Wyllow3 what a great sleep! it sounds as if you are making progress. I'm so glad. I hope the hotel thing works out, I feel a bit responsible now for you enjoying it.
Sorry, but much as I would like to, it's difficult for me to answer everyone. I do read all your posts and care, but I am limited in time I can spend on screens.
Thinking of you all and praying you have as good a day as possible.x

nadateturbe the idea was in my head anyway before I read an interesting thread on gransnet about others who needed a bit go rest when visiting rellies. You just reinforced the idea and in a way gave me further "permission". I thought it might be a bit difficult for DiL, as if it were indicating she was inhospitable, tho in fact I floated the idea to her in a general chat last night and there was no objection, they know its difficult energy wise (I dont mention is too cold nor noise levels I find hard of course, just need to withdraw to rest.)

My anxiety levels are very high, sigh, tho I know why, I'm afraid that by doing a lot less I will never get enough energy back and be too isolated. In the past/lifelong I've fought anxiety with physical action, and engagement in politicos useful voluntary work, which of course I have to learn to find alternatives to. Rome not built in day, etc.

I do turn to music when I'm open to it "speaking" to me.

My younger daughter has lived several hours away for 25 years,
when she visits she always stays in a hotel.

Ellie Anne we have talked here for a long time, things haven’t
changed with your husband, your daughter has her difficult times but oh my love you are so much stronger 🌻

Doodle much stress my love, wish I could cwtch you x

Joyce you are in my prayers x

I am having very disturbed nights, wake so often, room too hot,
whatiferies seem to pounce 2.00am, younger daughter bought me new tv, most of Christmas was BBC rolling news ! Always depended on a local tv shop for all advice, hope to find help to
explain how the wretched thing works now I have moved .

Love to all x