Black Dog 14

HVDY I had the decency even tho being abused to pack all Ex's stuff carefully and even arrange transport. But I'm rather more mature! However feelings must be running confused and very high all so sudden. (tho some people said I should dump his stuff at where he was staying...)

*Sweetpeasue it sounds as if you really do have to pile on the pressure for this pain, yes 111. You need a reason, you need understanding of what is going on, to begin to come to terms with matters.

I had a better morning and sleep to my surprise. I think ringing DS and him hearing me out sympatheticly then cheering me up with stories of children was a sort of breakthrough as in the past I would have withdrawn into pain and there severe depression lies. I sent a "thank you, you helped" text and he sent back, "anytime", bless.

I know the mood won't last as "up" but just remind me anyone!!!!!

Annie- good to hear from you and pleased that you have been able to do a bit of your crossstitch - a good beginning to the New Year. Hopefully it won’t be too long before you get your tv and phone sorted.
Always love to see the snowdrops- will be on the lookout from today.
HVDY- your son must be so glad he has you to confide in. It will do him good to be with you so he can peacefully sort his head out. Hope his GF family behave reasonably towards him - no wonder he’s stressed.
Thought you might like to hear that my daughters 2 rescue cats are settling in very well and coped with what was a busy and bit noisy Xmas. So different from their life in Qatar!!
Doodle- I hope your DH managed a restful sleep last night. Poor man he must feel constantly worn out- I,m so sorry.
Wyllow- I,m pleased you enjoyed your meeting and were able to have a nice walk albeit not very long. Being so fatigued makes it very difficult for you to do the nice things that distract you from your worries doesn’t it. Glad you are able to chat with your son- family support is so important. You give good advice to others - you are very kind.
SweetPeaSue- I,m so sorry you are feeling so low . Believe me you are no waste of space. You are brave,strong,kind , considerate and have put up with such mental and physical pain for too long. When you do get in touch with your surgery I hope they listen and help you. No one should have to suffer as you do.
Whiff- you always post such wise words- you really use your life experiences to help others.

Yesterday was very busy as I cooked a meal for my DD & SiL GD and boyfriend. I can’t explain what a big deal that is for me.
Some of you are having such a hard time at the moment that my anxieties seem so trivial. I always expect things to go wrong - as if that mattered !!! My family put no pressure on its all self inflicted. But as ever I,m so grateful to be here where you understand anxiety and fear.
Take care all

Wyllow3 That was very decent of you. Son's GF texted him (she's 45 mins away) to tell him not to go there today for his boxes of stuff - he's back at work tomorrow though. I asked if he wanted our help with anything, he said no, so I'm keeping out of it. I hope relations with your ex continue to be friendly.

ScaredyCat Great news about your daughter's cats. Glad your cooking went well yesterday. Son2 has offered to cook tonight and has just gone to Asda for a few spices he wants (I think it's more likely that he wants to get out of the house for a while. His Eczema is absolutely terrible, the worst I've ever seen (face, neck, hands, legs, etc). It does get worse with stress. Poor bloke, it does attract stares from people, but he can't do anything about it.

DH is back to work tomorrow (I'll be glad to be back into the routine). Hope everyone's day is going ok x

Scardeycat well done on that big family cook. They probably can't see what it costs - just the wonderful outcome.
You probably conceal it well, and for many situations that's for the best - I don't assume you find life more or less difficult than all here.

HVDY I so know what you mean about routine, and you've certainly got your hands full with son. He's doing well keeping on working - you are a stalwart support even tho you must wish so much it was different.

Hmmmfp, the day I arranged to take his stuff away was the day that he rounded on me "If I were a violent man you'd be dead et al". I had been wise enough to sound record it.
No good deed goes unpunished, but back then he was taking everything bad about his life out on anyone handy. I dont think "friendly" will ever be possible more like safe distance for my part.
Unlike your dear son, he doesn't take suffering internally without hitting out.

In the end, your son is the better man.

Well Wyllow you must have sent psychic vibes to us as we have just ordered a treadmill. 🤣. Not a big one as we’ll only use it for slow walking but hope it helps DH in his meanderings.
Sweetpeasue my DH is usually an upbeat person who takes most things in his stride but every now and then the never ending problems he has bring him down. He can hardly walk now and just shuffles along. It’s got much worse in the last couple of months. I’m not surprised with all you’ve been through that you get to feel downhearted. It’s not surprising and you are not alone.
Like the others I think you should contact the GP again and ask them who is monitoring your health and your problems. Tell them how bad you’re feeling. You are most certainly not a waste of space. You are as important as anyone else in this world.
Whiff and Wyllow nice supportive posts. You are right we are here for each other.
You are right BD does have its limits. We cannot cure, fix anything that’s broken or wave that magic wand but one thing we can do is listen to whatever you want to say and care about you and each other and what’s going on.
HVDY I hope your son can work things out amicably with his GF. Was it a mutual idea to split? If so her parents can’t really complain can they. Also it’s better for all concerned if they keep civil to each other as there’s a baby to consider. Hope it goes ok.

Wyllow how lovely you got comfort from chatting with your son. Nice to know he’s there to support you.
I will try and remember to remind you. I too need a jog sometimes when my mind goes into overdrive. Hope you sleep well tonight too.
Scaredycat so pleased about your DDs cats. How lucky they were to end up with her.
Thank you DH did sleep well. He’s got the fidgets now so is working on the computer trying to distract himself.
Went for a walk today and he was saying how much his walking had deteriorated in the last two months. It’s a worry.
Well done on getting a meal for your family. I think it’s a big deal. I stoped cooking for mine a couple of years ago. Found it too stressful. I am not a natural in the kitchen.
Your anxieties are certainly not trivial no more than anyone else’s. We all have different reasons for our worries but no one is worse than another.
HVDY do you think your son’s girlfriend is trying to keep the peace between him and her family?
Sorry about the eczema. Yes the stress would make it worse. Does he have any medication for it?
Hope you enjoy the meal.
Wyllow you are so nice in your thinking of others. I hope this year will be a better one for you as with all those on BD.

Wyllow3 Thank you. I wish they had not decided to have a baby, but somehow, they'll have to sort out some amicable relationship now. Your ex is best kept at "arm's length", by the sound of it, and you're wide to be cautious.

Doodle Son's GF didn't seem to think there was a problem, despite them arguing every day, and he keep saying he was unhappy. She didn't even make space in her home for him to put his clothes/shoes, so he was literally living from cases and binliners. He's got various creams that were originally prescribed by the hospital a few years ago. He's allergic (had testing several years ago) to Nickel, dustmites, Lanolin and Hydrocortisone. He's had Eczema and Asthma since he was a couple of weeks old, so has lived with it (he's 38) all these years. Your husband is so stoic. Does he use a stick or frame when walking?

Son2 made chicken marinated in a variety of herbs and soy sace, pi pitta breads, with a lovely dressed mixed salad - DH doesn't like anything healthy so he had a bacon (fried) sandwich!

I was looking forward to a day alone (Dh has been off for 2 weeks, goes back to work tomorrow) but Son says he'll work from home tomorrow (I'll go out for a while). I hope everyone has a restful night. x

Great minds think alike Doodle. It would be a great comfort if the treadmill helps, I've seen some improvements in people at the gym, because it gives confidence as well as practice and maintaining leg strength.
Also, look at this together
www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ZcQZTZfEj0
its short chair exercises for vertigo but very safe and may relieve that nervous frustrated inactivity feeling. There are other videos on same page to look at.
Every little helps, and all.

Hello all.. just wanted to say I hope and pray the new year I a better one for us all ...
Happy Healthy Peaceful New Year to all.🌸

Back to you, joce.

How is everyone today?

It's drizzly but not particularly cold. I went out for a couple of hours, took a lot of bedding to a charity shop. Got some more fresh fruit and salad stuff. (the excitement of it all ). Hope everyone is ok x

The decorators are here which usually I find difficult but they are so nice (woman decorator and son) its sort of quite nice as its just stuff downstairs and I feel free to retire to my bedroom.
but got shook up with Ex encounter. He rung me when I was at Sainsbury's having a coffee on a friends phone - no money for stamps and he has found an old insurance policy which will help a lot once he gets it. So got some and tobacco and ran them up. The familiar voice, and he teared up and dropped in the conversation his doctor says his legs are bad etc etc and he has no money for heating....but he's been doing this all. his life, his mother has mentioned similar occasions and he won't go for counselling as to why his life keeps on like this - at 63 too many repeats.
sigh, this will shake me up as I keep things together at the time - tho mention things are tough for me I don't switch on the tears - his defence system is geared towards not looking inwards nor examining "why".....there will be more guilt again..but during our actual time together the narrative was he was the big strong male and I was the needy female yet in fact I was quietly bringing out the best in him in his life of swinging from trump rapidly moving to disaster...and not being able to "ask for real help".

Sorry, triumph not trump.

Hi all x

Joyce much love dear friend, how is the plodding? hugs xxxx

Wyllow your ex has a serious mental illness, he must have had support when diagnosed, was his mother not involved with
this ? He will go from highs to lows without medication and much support.

How is everyone?

HVDY- Ah your poor son that’s a difficult thing to deal with - no wonder it flares up with stress.
What a delicious meal he made- I had to laugh at your DH having his bacon sandwich!! I guess he’s not interested in your fruit and salad shopping either!!
Doodle - hope you both enjoy the treadmill - a good idea as you can now walk whatever the weather.
Last night was the worst whatiffery night for ages - relentless thoughts that just keep repeating for hours . I do hope you have had better nights lately and your problems have abated a bit.
Wyllow- good you have nice decorators- I always feel unsettled with anyone working in the house I don’t feel able to sit and relax and feel I should be working too! Good for you to be able to retire upstairs.
Oh what a pain that your ex has unsettled you a bit. You are so good to help him as you do but then he pushes his luck and disturbs your peace of mind again. I think maybe you need to play a bit hard to get on occasion. You are right you have always been the strong one - you just didn’t believe it. We are all rooting for youxxx
SweetPeaSue- hope the phone call actually took place today and went well. Hope too you are not in too much pain and able to do something nice for a while.
EllieAnne- hope you,re ok today and feeling stronger.
Annie- how are you today? I,m hoping it’s a day when you have been able to enjoy the telly and your fellow residents.
Joce - you are always so kind
Love to all x

Yes Scaredycat thats exactly how I ususally feel with people in the house! Then its a real strain, isnt it?

I leave coffee real posh biscuits out of course and say do have radio on quietly if you like and the quiet shy decorator son actually chats a bit.

I'm so sorry it was such a bad whatiffery night - any particular trigger you are able to share? or has it just been so busy with family your mind is determined to catch up on all its wretched whatifferies?

Problem with Ex's Mum was she never "called him out" for years and years or refused help.
Her marriage was unhappy: Ex's Dad was a nasty piece of work mostly a real bully to his wife and son as a child, tho he helped Ex out too going way back probably to save "family honour".

...and my guess is it was some kind of comfort to have Ex dependant and needing her. And she always had enough financial resources to bail him out. I didn't.

She knew he had M Health problems but was ashamed of it "in the family". Bit of an ostrich there, too. Scared? Since I've had them myself and my sister lifelong too it was something I felt differently about.

She would have had to do what I did, basically say no and involve Police locks changed and all as he could crash at his mums large house (and generous resources)..

But in the end it was Ex's brother who finally called his bluff when he tried to de-fraud his mum and got him arrested because she had hit a health crisis herself. Ex was then homeless and I got involved with MH and SSD and housing till he got his supported flat. He's set up now.

Needless to say when I fist met him he told me 5% of the truth of his previous life! Should have had eyes wide open!

Wyllow Are you having some painting or wallpapering done? I love the smell of paint, I grew up with it as my dad was a painter and decorator. Your ex had quite a troubled upbringing but he might well benefit from counselling, if he'd accept that type of help. It's not your problem, though, you've been kinder towards him than many women would be, given the abuse.

ScaredyCat DH loves all things processed , I made a lasagne tonight, which he ate grudgingly - with a tiny bit of salad. The "what-ifs" are horrible, aren't they? I'm not sleeping well either - worrying about son and his GF, plus having to share my bed with DH and his unbelievably loud and persistent snoring. (he's usually in the spare room - which son is now in)

Anniebach Are you still getting some lovely meals?

Doodle, SweetpeaSue, EllieAnne, Whiff and others - how have you all been today?

I want to watch "24 Hours in A & E" later - this time, it's in QMC, in my home town

I’m going to see dd tomorrow. Worried about the journey usual.

Ellie Anne yes, you do get troubled about the journey but every time it’s been fine.

Your daughter has problems, can be abrupt with you, the car journey troubles you every time , my dear friend, you are a strong and remarkable woman , I wish you could accept this fact. Hugs and love x

Evening all. Took DH to have his haircut today. Pleased I didn’t let him go on his own. There were two steps up to the hairdresser and he said he didn’t think he would have got down them again after without me.
HvDY how strange your son’s Gf thought it was normal for them to be arguing so much. Not a good environment for bringing up a baby. Think your son made the right decision if they weren’t getting on. It sounds very much as though he was living in her house just for her convenience.
No DH isn’t using a stick or frame yet. He isn’t keen on sticks as he feels a stick might trip him up more. Waiting to see what happens when he has his assessment.
Glad you got out today. I always look forward to fresh fruit and salad stuff after Christmas. Something lighter after the stodgy food.
Wyllow that’s kind. I would like to think DH could improve his walking. It’s deteriorated so much recently. Thanks for the video too. I remember you saying the decorators were coming. Unusual for a woman.
Sorry your Ex is still causing you worry. I can understand why you may not wish to block his calls but I do hope he gives you some peace so you can gain strength again.
Joce lovely to hear from you. Hope you and Coco are doing ok. Hope for a better new year for you,
Annie any news on your TV or hoist yet? Hopefully now Christmas is over you may see some action.
Scaredycat oh I’m so sorry you had a bad night. So upsetting isn’t it. Hope tonight is a more peaceful one.
Treadmill not arriving till next week but yes it would be good to be able to walk no matter what the weather.
Ellie Anne hope your visit to your DD goes well.
You are very brave, you have done this journey before.
Take it slowly but don’t forget you can manage it. I hope your DD is ok and your visit can be a pleasant one. Take care.

Hi Ellie are you driving? May I wish you the very best journey possible and that you find DD as well as she can be? Well done for conquering nervous fears, thinking of you as you set out and understanding its a difficult one.

I have virtually begged Ex several times to do some counselling, my guess, shame, pride, denial, and fear get in the way. In January my sister offered to pay for him for private to come to terms with his past and present difficulties.

Maybe its much harder for a lot of men of his/our age? Or harder to take accountability of vulnerability and the consequences of your actions on board? Stats show a lot less men turn to counselling.

Oh my HVDY - with you on the snoring thing! that and the worry, is going to be tough over time. Spare room being unavailable is so hard. Do you all see this as long term or space for him to find a flat or or happened so quickly one has any idea?

There was a great article in last weeks Saturday "I" saying how positive it was for couples to sleep separately /have their own space/have the option of same for all sorts of reasons.

Yet people assume it must be because a relationship is in a bad state when its not at all, it just that either snoring or being constantly in each others company is not the best option.

I have always when living with someone since 1980 had my own room/own space/own bed including my first long marriage.

Sometimes one needs to curl up and be alone or not bother the partner with different night patterns. But quite a few of my friends said, "but my husband wouldn't like it" but quite a few others admitted they would rather like it.

You get together/actually sleep together by choice. This was helped by only having one child in a 3 bed house. It doesn't prevent cuddles when you want them.

I have virtually begged Ex several times to do some counselling, my guess, shame, pride, denial, and fear get in the way. In January my sister offered to pay for him for private to come to terms with his past and present difficulties.

Maybe its much harder for a lot of men of his/our age? Or harder to take accountability of vulnerability and the consequences of your actions on board? Stats show a lot less men turn to counselling.

(Decorating - making good painting over plastering following damp work, and spiffing up some adjacent tired white paintwork in the kitchen. Nothing exciting but nice to be spick and span at last.)

Just feel rather numb and indifferent tonight - protective impulses...counselling tomorrow (made mistake thinking it was today) hope decorators have gone but can do Zoom upstairs.

sorry I repeated myself above, I wish there was an editing function!

Hi all. Just a quick hello from me. I hope you are all doing ok xxx I will chat more soon as I'm on my phone and it's difficult to type. Things are getting bad for me. DH is very ill and I am getting very angry..why? I'm not dying. Then I get upset and cry.
HVDY I watched 24 hours. Poor flo had a tear in my eye. My DH has been treated there many times.

hello nanny2507, sounds like a really tough time, hope to hear from you again.

Doodle, I missed your post. Aw, so hard for you and DH as he is struggling so much. You are a star working on ways to help him. When is the assessment?

Hello all
Annie lovely lady I’m plodding like I do nice to see you back with the BDG my friend big hug for you x
Doodle me and coco are doing ok she still missing her walks, it worries me still with the parvovirus about....better days to come for us all God Is good
Scaredycat hope you are ok, thinking of you has always..
Take care al, hope you all have a peaceful night sleep 🌸