Black Dog 15

That was very quick, Doodle. A diagnosis - which is a mixed bag as everyone I know with AF - experiences it differently. I hope the treatments work, it seems quite a time before they start. What a week!

It seems like the results will be a mixed bag, HVDY and it does feel a long wait. Nice pub lunch there.

Nice posts, Sweetpeasue. glad you are doing the exercise. smiled at the potatoes in the buckets, they may not save money but I bet they taste good.

Ellie Anne thinking of you for the weekend.

A frustrating time, Scaredycat Scary to get the nausea because it makes one feel not wanting to try and go out.

all I did in the day was see my first Ex - long talk, mostly good, some triggers....expecially staggering instead of walking when i got up from the low seat..came home slept and woke up feeling all was lost. But picked up, done a walk on the threadmill and a bit of yoga and now rather high listening to Sara Bareilles.

Got an invite to take place again in the local medical schools GP training - Patients as Educators with me as MH patient service user hat on. The've changed the format or I would have turned it down - it used to be along afternoon of 1 to 1 or Two to 1 students. Now it's shorter and a group of 5. and a taxi there. will have to have a good think as you really have to commit in advance.

SweetpeaSue Growing things in pots like that is a good idea, takes up so little room. We don't make the most of our garden, but perhaps in the better weather, I'll start growing something. Son2 likes to grow his own vegetables and herbs. How are you feeling now?

Doodle I'm glad the Cardiologists have agreed on a plan to treat your husband, at last. You'll both be pleased to get it all dealt with and then hopefully have better times ahead. How are your husband's legs now? It must have been nice to see your friend for a chat.

ScaredyCat Glad you're improving from Covid. Are you eating better now?

Wyllow3 Did you manage to see your ex for coffee? How are you feeling?

EllieAnne It's the weekend, which I know you dread. Would you be able to meet up with anyone?

I slept well last night - on my own . I'm seeing a friend for coffee and a snack later. Hope all BDers manage to have a decent day x

Hvdy I don’t know. I’m sitting in my bed room just now keeping out the the way. I’m going to the supermarket and library and hoping to meet friend but she’s waiting for a delivery so depends if it comes.

Hope you have got to see your friend, Ellie Anne, something in the day, church tomorrow.

enjoy your friend and snack, HVDY.

I did stay high and paid the price, read very very late wanting to take on what the night would bring. which was predictably *rap and didnt get a lot of sleep despite extra meds. Arose wobbly body and and but I just knew I had to get out to see people at the gym, and have a nice hot shower, which has lifted me back enough to see point in life etc etc.

I'm really not managing the bi polar bits well. Could do better.

HVDY Must admit,DH does the heavy gardening stuff.My back won't let me bend over. Think Margo in *Good Life ' deadheading Roses. Haha. Faffy gardening which DH doesn't like anyway. Hope you enjoy your time with friend. Been fine this morning. Bladder pain this aft 🙄.
EllieAnne I do hope your friend's delivery allowed your meet up. It's awful to think you having to stay 'outof the way'. Hope you manage church tomorrow and can see the friends.
Wyllow Glad you got to meet ex for chat. Your night sounded hard though.My moods can sometimes dictate how I see everything and I hate that. It must be hard the bi-polar. Your gym is a blessing isn't it?
I'm doing those stretches night and morning, thanks. Can't harm and makes me feel like I'm helping situation.

Ive been looking at Bladder Hydrodistention again and having second thoughts. It didnt really help last time but I just wanted him to reassure about bladder walls. Couldnt near cystoscopy awake. Dont really think it will do any good and possibly cause more pain. Think I led consultant to offer it tbh. I was so different yesterday. Shouldnt let emotions try and rule.
Hope everyone is ok.

bear not near

Managed to meet my friend for a coffee and spent some time in the library. The council want to move it into another building but it will lose its lovely atmosphere. I’ve written to councillors about it but probably won’t make any difference. It’s one of my hideouts so I’m sad.
Got soaked through walking this afternoon. Coat didn’t keep the rain out. ☔️☔️☔️

EllieAnne I'm pleased you managed to see your friend. Are you able to chat about your situation with her, or do you talk only about other things? It's a shame about the library, but perhaps you could find a nice cafe to make your regular hideout? How about going swimming or to a gym?

Wyllow Are your moods very up and down? It must be difficult to manage. A neighbour of ours is Bipolar (I don't know what kind) and she has extreme moods. She's been sectioned twice, but has been on an even keel for ages. When she has her "ups", she goes, alone (he husband never goes) on holidays, for days out - even to Dubai alone, to see her daughter for a month, then she might be low for 2 weeks. I hope things are better for you tomorrow.

SweetpeaSue I hope the bladder pain soon goes. I wouldn't think of having any procedure "down there" without some kind of anaesthesia. I had a few (3 or 4, I think) Hysteroscopies, years ago. They were the most painful things I've ever experienced, even though for the last one, they injected my cervix with something to numb it, it was awful.

Doodle, ScaredyCat, Whiff and others, hope you're all ok.

Saw my friend, and had a pasty and some cake in a new, very lively, spacious cafe. We never stopped talking . Son2 is at his GF's until Tuesday evening, so it'll be a peaceful few nights on my own in bed , Hope all BDers have a relaxing evening. x

Just remembered it’s a friends birthday tomorrow 😱 had so much on I’d completely forgotten
Sweetpeasue thank you DHs legs are a little less swollen but his BP is really low today and he’s very unsteady on his feet.
My father used to grow lots of veg including potatoes. Not heard of them being grown in buckets before but what a good idea. Must be nice to eat your own produce. I can just picture you as Margo 🤣. It’s good you’re doing stretches. I hope this afternoons pain has worn off. Is there anyone else you can turn to for advice as to what you should do next? Are there any organisations like the BHF for your condition?
Scaredycat I love mushy peas too. Many don’t.
Thank you for mentioning the cardio version. It sounds horrendous but I’m comforted by the fact that you’ve had it.
It’s been quite a lot to take in over the last week.
Glad you had a walk. DH was looking wistfully outside today. He misses his walks but is struggling to get to the bathroom and back at the moment.
Wyllow there is reason for the delays. The heart shock could cause blood clots to move round the blood stream so they want DH to take a particular blood thinner for 4 weeks before the procedure to disperse anything lurking.
That’s an interesting prospect for you to become involved in the GP training again. I’m sure they’d benefit from your input.
Glad you got on well with your Ex.
HVDY yes good to get a diagnosis and to know there is a plan. I see my friend most weeks, it’s nice to have a bit of a natter. Hope you had a good time with your friend today.
A good nights sleep 😊bliss.
Ellie Anne glad you got to meet your friend. Shame about the library. Let’s hope it doesn’t happen. It’s always worth trying to have a say in these things.
I have coats that let in the rain too. Wet shoulders ugh 😩

HVDY Sounds like you've had a real nice day and natter with friend. Oh I'm so sorry about those hysteroscopy experiences.I couldnt tolerate it without GA but I know some find it ok. I've heard of those injections. Last Cystoscopy with distention was with GA but afterwards is pretty painful for a couple of dys and if it helps its often only temporary for 3/6 mths.
Have a blissful sleep!
EllieAnne Thats such a shame about your library. So many have been run down or closed. You would miss another place for you to go. Rained here quite a bit too.
Doodle Oh nooo! Dont say you can picture me as Margo. 😩😂
Bladder pain eased a bit. I get a lot of information from Interstitial/BPS Association and there's another one though have never joined it's membership. I hope you and DH sleep tonight. Also that the next 4 weeks are a bit easier, in that you wont have to visit the hospital every day. It must be hard to keep your DH's spirits up with so much to cope with. Take care of yourself too.

Hope everyone has a peaceful night. Thinking of you all CandyNadateturbe**Whiff

Night, BD's.

Night Wyllow Really hope your night is better. x

How is everyone today?

I had a lovely sleep, but then my legs today are uncomfortable, so I haven't been out. What's everyone up to?

Wyllow- glad you got to see your Ex in the end. You must have many shared memories . Those highs and lows must be very difficult to live with.
HVDY- that new cafe sounds good. Lovely to have a good old chat. I,m seeing my daughter and Grandaughter tomorrow as we have a new cafe opening in our village and hope it,ll be open tomorrow. I,ve heard the new owner makes wonderful cakes.😋
Sorry your legs are playing up today - do they feel better if you elevate them?
EllieAnne- Ah what a shame about your library- maybe it won’t happen. Glad you got to see your friend though.
SweetPeaSue- I,m a bit of a faffy gardener too - I just can’t do the heavy stuff anymore. Good job we only have a postage stamp garden!!
Doodle - Ah try not to worry about the cardioversion . Yes it does sound horrendous and I was petrified when told I was to have one. But it was soon over and no pain.
I miss my long walks but at least get out a bit- so sorry for your DH .
Hope you are having a nice Sunday.
Candy,Whiff ,Nadateturbe and all wishing you a pleasant afternoon and eveningxx

HVDY Its quite cold out here. We went to cafe this morning. Back home did a v weeny bit of weeding' - hands dirty (un-Margo). Hope your legs aren't too bad now HVDY.
Scaredycat Sounds lovely to meet up with daughter and DGD in new café. Crossed fingers it's open. My garden's postage stamp too. We have a little sitting area under window though and bench is well used with a cuppa. Pair of Blackbirds back again for cheese.
Doodle Hoping you and DH have had a decent day.....
Wyllow You too. Did you have Quaker meeting today?


Sorry--spacing is weird today in post.

Guilty to say felt black this morning as had good night and ok otherwise. I can't trust the pain not to pounce unexpectedly. Pleasant afternoon though. Just watched ice-skating World Championships and GB couple Lilah/Lewis. So beautiful always loved ice-skating. Mood's lifted.

Hope everyone has been ok today

ScaredyCat Ooh, that sounds good - seeing your daughter and her daughter, and having cake. Lovely. Yes, my legs feel easier now, thanks.

SweetpeaSue I'm so pleased that you haven't had the pain. I've just noticed a pair of blackbirds at the bottom of our garden. I left some apple for them. My legs feel ok now, thanks.

Doodle One of the helpers at the day centre told me her husband's got to have the procedure you mentioned. He's had it once before, felt fine afterwards. How are you and your husband today?

Wyllow How are you? Did you have a Quaker meeting?

EllieAnne, Whiff, Candy, and other BDers, hope you're all ok. x

I think I like the library because it’s quiet and you don’t need to talk to anybody . Many years ago I joined a gym but really didn’t like it. I’m a very self conscious person always have been . I do like swimming but our local pool is very cold and again I worry about what I look like.
Should have gone for a walk today but didn’t.
Nearly set the microwave on 🔥 . Not the best day.

EllieAnne I'm not very confident (although strangely, some people think I am), and I'm very overweight, but I go to aqua aerobics and find that there are all shapes, sizes and ages there, and nobody takes any notice of what anyone looks like. I say hello and pass the time of day with some of them, but that's all.

Strange day today. I feel very low and a bit miserable.
DH’s legs are causing him a lot of pain and discomfort. I will speak to the nurses tomorrow to see if this is normal.
Sweetpeasue Margo was very glamorous and a kind person at heart 😊 No I don’t think it’s planned for us to go back for another 4 weeks but we’ll see what they say Monday. Yes we are both a little downhearted.
Hope you have had a better weekend. I can well understand how the constant not knowing how you are going to be from one day to the next can get you down. Glad the ice skating lifted your spirits.
HVDY sorry your legs are playing up too. Perhaps you and DH should go to a spa for some massage treatment.
Thank you for letting me know about the helpers husband. It’s always nice to hear of people who’ve come through these things.
I’m glad you feel comfortable at your acquaintance aerobics. I’m sure it does you good. I’m too lazy to fancy the bother of getting undressed and dressed again.
Hope you’ve had a good weekend.
Scaredycat must be nice to be so close to your Dd and DGD.
I hope you have a good cake tasting session 🤣
Thanks for the reassurance about the cardio version. Did you face time your sister over the weekend?
Ellie Anne it’s difficult to go into situations mixing with others when you don’t feel comfortable. I’m like that too.
Glad the microwave fire was averted. Hope you are ok.
Sounds like we’re both a bit down.
Wyllow Candy Whiff hope you’ve had a peaceful weekend.
Sleep well all. Tomorrow is another day. x

Auto correct…….acquaintance aerobics 🤣🤣

Not been a good time, felt empty, exhausted, full of fear and that I cant go forward

tho I'm glad that after that OTT ''"high" evening I have had that side more under control for 2 days. Or I cannot rest.

In the past the "high" side has been a mixed bag - I've made some pretty bad decisions under its influence (as well, I have to say, some very necessary and very brave ones like asking abusive ex to go:

its main gift in the past has been to be able to exercise a lot and feel and look reasonably good......to come across as bright and likeable..

Last year in some ways I used and used - and used.... the high bit to get through the months of abuse and bizarre events...but at 70 ....that endless adrenaline has caused the CFS (and probably the bowel stuff, as other possible factors are getting cleared

......as I never in those months - well a whole year - as it were rested or faced the consequences, as I had to act, defend against attack, hold my ground, week on week for so long.

I think a lot of my emptiness relates to not being able to have a grief that can look back on the good bits, the loving bits, the holidays, the shared things,

becuase in Ex's condition..he has he had to be so terribly destructive....... he has managed to destroy “the good”

not because we have split up but

because he has made me doubt what was real and what was not...because so many things he told me turned out not to be the case, because he has constantly rubbished me and told me this or that was never any good...what do I hold onto to recall?

I have the psychologist coming up on Tuesday and want to ask her, "how to..move on"... when exhaustion gets in the way of "doing stuff to rebuild life", (like walking 30 mins can be all I manage in a day, or an hours yoga) but its a mixed bag as she also is supposed to be telling me what and if I can expect going forward treatment wise in the MH services. But I am facing pretty serious depressive thoughts on a fairly constant basis and feel I need the continuing care there. In fact, I've just managed to do 3 days washing up and have a wash on, which feels positive:

but its the nights: I am currently lying awake feeing fear and emptiness like trying to walk across a twilight desert.

Confidence? Probably real confidence is being kind to oneself and not depending on others views of oneself, feeling one can stand ones ground, knowing what that ground it: but some of us are better than others about putting a good front on for the world?

You are right about aqua aerobics, HVDY ..the pool occupied by people just like you say: some come to stay and natter after, some just to shower and go..and very good for you with your legs as they are, takes the strain off.

...in terms of exercise Ellie Ann gives more than walking can do, but it was very chilly today indeed and not attractive to get out in at all so I'm not surprised you stayed in. I'm very glad you didnt set the microwave on fire indeed.

Yes Sweetpeasue the fear of returning pain and "it might never get better" is very powerful indeed: and a hard task to learn to live so much in the present that the OK times can count. My only thought is...since I try to do it myself...its worth trying!

Doodle I've never heard of Cardioversion before now...
you are having to go through so many procedures with MrD, its wearying and must seem to be taking over everything.....hoping you got to church and there have been sleeps.

Scaredeycat if the cafe is good it will be a really lovely "Centre" for the village? Have a lovely time tomorrow and I'm crossing fingers your walks will get longer as time goes on especially if we all get more much needed sun.

Doodle your feelings are totally understandable - with what you are both going through, after the full on time last week, it would be strong if it were otherwise, down hearted and exhausted! Hugs - its so full on for you.

EllieAnne Sorry your day hasnt been too good. I understand about the library. There was one in nearby town that I loved and felt comfortable in(anonymous) though it changed when half the book shelves became computer space. Totally understand about the swimming thing. Hope your evening is ok.
Doodle Its hard to feel ok when your DH is having a painful time. I hope the nurses can give some advice about DHs legs tomorrow. Looked up cardioversion so understand a liitle more why there's a preliminary period. It has a v high successful rate.
Def not Margo-for being glamorous. Remembered a scene today when all shared Tom n Barbara's homemade wine and were well tiddly. Margo said she didn't get jokes. Tom said but Ive seen you laughing. She then starts crying and says'But I dont know why I'm laughimg'. 😂
For you-
The Donkey

When fishes glew and forests walked
And figs grew upon thorn.
Some moment when the moon was blood
Then surely I was born.

With monstrous head and sickening cry
And ears like errant wings.
The devil's walking parody
On all four - footed things.

The tattered outlaw of the earth,
Of ancient crooked will,
Starve, scourge, deride me: I am dumb,
I keep my secret still.

Fools! For I also had my hour;
One far fierce hour and sweet :
There was a shout about my ears,
And palms before my feet.

G. K. Chesterton

Hkpe all are ok. x

So many errors. When fishesflew
'The Donkey' shouldnt have been written right after 'for you-'!! 😱

Never mind. I love the poems you give us.