Black Dog 15

"Feel overwhelmed with love for them but also very fearful too"

Can understand! Love and loss are very close xxx

Wyllow Just seen your post.
I am thinking, more than ever, that every single family member has a lot going on in their own heads too, as to their relations with other other family members. I hope you can sort out a way forward to what is the best solution as to where to live. It can't be easy.

I'm amazed how many here have been affected by burglary and theft and the cruel circumstances. My own memory is still ingrained of the time my mum was in the hospice a few weeks before she died. She wanted to come home but she needed to stay in hospital where she could get appropriate painkilling drugs for Pancreatic Cancer. While there her home was burgled - photos of her and late husband and pictures torn from walls. Such mess. I'm so relieved she never knew or saw it.
I couldnt believe my eyes. These people know not what they do. x

Wyllow and SweetpeaSue Breaking into someone's home, going through their things and stealing/ruining stuff is a despicable act. Horrible people.

Went so Son2's new house this morning, did 3 hours of cleaning (the oven hadn't been done for many months, it was disgusting). DH put the new bedframe together there. Later, saw Neurologist. He tested my reflexes of feet, legs, arms, hands, face, etc. He's prescribed steroid tablets (10 a day) for 4 months, plus 2 other tablets for the same period. Steroid tablets cause an increase in appetite, weight gain and a bloated face (bloody hell ), something I certainly don't need. Son1 invited us to his place for dinner, so that'll be nice. Hope all BDers have been ok today. See you later x

Aw, HVDY that is tough - like a Hobsons choice....... as you don't have one.
Its controlling the appetite thats hard and strict dieting is hard too...(some MH drugs do that too and its a very mixed blessing for the pay off) is there anything you can do about the bloating face? Is that because its initially a high steroid dose?

You are being a wonderful mum to DS's. How is Mr HVDY btw, I presume he is still off work.

Still on a bit of a high and beyond tired as had to have a busier morning than I needed (which was total rest) - no one else to collect meds in heaving long queue chemist as closed tomorrow or get food in.... and I don't want to go down supermarket delivery route its actually a nice outing.

But just done something positive - had a chat with DS and sorted a lot out. After talking to my sis, counsellor and a friend, had it sorted in my head.

DS very unwilling to talk at first as he thought I'd do one of my long analysis of past (mea culpa but in period of separating from Ex it was messy and difficult) and far from it I was very upbeat.

DS admitted that even DiL's mum found them all too much after a couple of days and they get snappy with each other a lot but its water off for them and not to take it too personally.... but admitted he had gone OTT on a couple of occasions bossing me.

He also said that it was OK with DiL if I stayed at a hotel nearby (contrary to what she said a while ago, but has either forgotten already and now can see why). this could make a massive difference,

as it seemed like either going up and not coping or not seeing them.

Told him about my current positive thoughts on moving up there (I've got on a waiting list for a flat in retirement property and found out what its like - close to 80% vv good .....you cant have everything but good nearby GP, nice gardens, near MH people, and worked out the finances so I could make a cash offer etc if thats what I want to do).

I was shocked I got tired after just 15 mins walk up to chemist and had a cry on the way back missing walks in the countryside and missing the lovely sun stay in bed but it hit me again too about love lost with Ex and how horrible its been to have love that I thought was there denied. This has to be lived through and will recur. It has made me very wary about people not that I find it easy anyway unless my mood is outgoing. Gym is OK people wise..one can be friendly but not have to "engage"

Anyway for now I hope I can relax and do some enjoyable things and hopefully the Alien Lump will be MRI'd and removed without anxiety.

SweetPeaSue- hope you have had a good day today. So nice to hear how you have loved being together and yes that love is so fragile and precious. Sorry the pain was building up a bit but hope you managed to have a decent nights sleep so you were able to enjoy your family time again today.

HVDY- that sounds a lot of pills and side effects you could do without but hopefully it will help improve your poor legs.
Cleaning cookers is one of the worst jobs I can think of - bet it was sparkling when you’d finished. Hope you had a nice dinner with Son1.
Wyllow- it sounds like you have had very productive and encouraging talks with your son. It’s good to hear the enthusiasm in your words- much to think about.
Yes it’s very hard to accept that physically we can’t do as much as we could but still able to get out and feel the sun on our faces. Every so often those sad thoughts of the past will happen but now hopefully you will be able to plan for the future.
Hope the removal of the Alien is a straightforward procedure.
Wishing you a peaceful night.

Dear BD sorry I have been missing . I’ve been in hospital with DH (he’s ok) since 5 pm yesterday., We have just got home and are so so tired. I’ve been sitting at his bedside on a chair aLl that time. I’m so tired I can’t even read your posts but will be back tomorrow to cst h up hope your ok love

Dear Doodle just glad you checked in see you when you are ready to post.

Scaredycat after posting I messed about a bit online - and realised I hadn't eaten anything today except a small bit of cheese and toasted teacake - note to self this is not taking care (have had eating disorder in past went down to 7 stone). But you are right about counting small blessings like sun on face and buds coming out.

Wyllow Perhaps I'll wear a balaclava . I'll start the tablets tomorrow night, and try to have one meal a day and perhaps just fruit or salad for breakfast and lunch. It's good that you were able to talk openly with your son. Now you all know where you stand. It's frustrating not being able to do the things you used to (I expect most of us feel that. I certainly do). When is the lump being looked at again?

Doodle You must both feel worn out! I hope you get a decent night's sleep tonight.

Dinner at Son1's was chicken and sweet potato curry. Tasty. First time we've been there for a meal (he moved in 6 months ago). His GF was there, she's a nice girl. I'm so tired so off to bed soon. I intend cleaning Son2's stair carpet tomorrow and we'll help him to move some things there.

Hope all BDers have a good rest x

Hope all BDers have a good rest tonight.

Doodle I felt that something might be amiss. So sorry about your DHs hospital stay but pleased you're both home again. I hope you get a very good rest tonight. Much love to you both.

Ive read Wyllow s posts and she can put things better than I regards family. I must be mord unwell mentally than thought. Yesterday burst i to tears in front of all and nightmare today. Trying to holdit all together but something very wrong. I shouldnt have come.

Evening all, didn’t get on yesterday as have been so busy as I’ve got a lot going on family wise. Have managed to come away to our caravan for a week or so and being joined shortly by other family members. Depends on what happens at home with FiL but not far away if need to get back. I have gynae appointment too that I will have to break holiday for but hopefully will have a decent time. I’m thinking of everyone though and hope you are all managing ok. Will pop in when I can. Love to all ❤️ Xxxx

Sweet pea sue sending hugs.💐💐💐

EllieAnne Thankyou so much.
HVDY Busy day for you tomorrow. Hope everything goes well. Btw - I expected to put on weight when I was on Prednisolone for Polymyalgia but didnt if that reassures. Different condition to yours and we're all different. Was told be GP I'd need to start on 60mg and wean down v slowly over 1 to 2 yrs.ooked up British Rheumatology guidlines and for Polymyalgia recommendation was starting 15mg so did that, though your dosage sounds much higher for a different condition. Hope you manage ok, it is scary taking new med.
Candy Hope everything goes well with Gynaecology appt and you have a nice time with family.

SweetpeaSue Thanks for that. I'll need to curb my appetite and also have smaller portions. Don't worry about getting upset in front of family, they know what you've been (and are still) going through. Try to relax and just enjoy being with them.

Candy6 Have a nice time. Hope your appointment goes well.

Just been to son's - he's gone out to buy new bedding etc., and he forgot to leave a key. We'll go back later.

It's a bright, sunny but cold morning. Good to see a blue sky. Hope all BDers are ok x

When I was there Sweetpeasue I was full of feelings "I shouldn't have come".

It has been quite a few days away, maybe a bit too many?

Perhaps when you come back you can think it through and like me decide you'd taken on too much in one bite..... but possibly smaller family time together possible - not all or nothing.

You are very hard on yourself - a harsh judge -for bursting into tears, its all very understandable and your family might be more accepting than you think. xx

HVDY well done on diet plans. good idea all round to feel better about yourself.

Candy the very best with the Gynaecology team. Hope your break is a good one and you don't have to rush back.

The Alien has an MRI on the 10th then ?? wait for removal. today is the first day with no "must do's", but I have imposed one on myself - I really do have to keep up the 30 mins walk each day and have the treadmill after all to make it easy.

It's so true we have to cope with much loss on the "used to be able to's"...but there's also the "make the mosts while we can's".

Well nothing like writing saying you will do something to make yourself do it - I put magpie murders on the TV and walked all the way through as soo as I had posted. Back is complaining a bit so will have to do a few back yoga wiggles (like the ones I posted for Sweetpeasue) later.

Oh btw all BD's...we are coming up for 1000 posts in nearish future, so if we suddenly stop one of us can start a BD 16 and we can go a hunting?

Just got back home. V tired. Long story but really, just everyone trying to fit in. Gathered sons n partners fam quite on top of each otherin same caravan. DH trying to follow in car on outings(sons drive faster than him) Arrived at The Deep in Hull.'big' Sealife center) DH got out to get ticket, automatically locked door n walked off. I was locked in! Banged on windows-son walked by- had hot flush-felt like I was choking-no car door would open. Only 3 mins but seemed like 10.Panicked. (car safety locking system not working ). Couldnt stop crying round centre so had to come out as felt claustrophobic. Tears bubbled out in a decent restaurant. So embarrassing. Felt so raw and stupid. Mind kept telling me how abnormal I am and more. I just couldnt keep everything in.
Not all bad but in most situations I felt 'different' and the inner voive telling me I'll never be 'normal' and worse.
Different eating patterns-not usual foods that I need for bowels, trying to fit in. Then feeling a failure.
But I did step out of 'comfort' zone.
Pain surfaced but not so severe it laid me flat as it can do, so some positives.
YesWyllow Some learning in these situations. Like you I felt I had/have a v thin skin.
Love to all. Hope Doodle and Dh is not too bad today. Thinking of you. x

Doodle- I,m so relieved to hear from you . I hope today has been less traumatic for you both and you were able to catch up some sleep last night.
HVDY- Does your son do the cooking? That curry sounds delicious- love sweet potato.Glad he has a nice girlfriend.
I expect you,ll be tired tonight after carpet cleaning- what a lovely Mum you are.
SweetPeaSue- Dont worry about tears in front of your family. They understand what a big thing it was for you to drive there and be away.
I hope you are feeling less stressed today and managing to enjoy being with people you love and who love you.
Candy- Hope you enjoy your time away and that the gynae appointment goes well. Hope your weather is as nice as ours is today. Nice that you can relax knowing your FiL is not too far away.
EllieAnne- I do hope you are able to do something that you like this weekend. Thinking of you.
Wyllow- not long to wait for the MRI - hope it goes well .
Good idea to watch TV and walk at the same time. Hope the yoga wiggles worked on your back.
You are right - make the most while we can- a good motto. Today we walked on our Woodland Trust- just have to accept there are times when a sit down is needed!
Love to all

I hope there were benches Scaredycat but a lovely day for a walk.

Oh, Sweetpeasue I couldn't have coped with all that for a moment - tell that inner voice "I took on too much and ....therefore"...glad to hear of a bit less pain. There has to be a gentler way to see family when you've settled it all in your mind.
Given what's been happening, I'd say your reaction is normal, FWIW.

Waves to other BD's with love.

Scaredycat Glad you had a nice walk. Nature can be v healing even with shorter walks. Thankyou Scaredycat. Yes, I love my sons and DGC v much and they've decent partners. I'm glad of that for them. Youngest has had a rough time there, in past.
Wyllow I'm lucky in that I dont have the ME to cope with as you do.I felt guilty not sharing our space but needed the quiet time. Mind caravan was so cold. Well done for the treadmill walking.
Just going to have a good warm bath.

Wyllow Not long until you get the "alien" seen to. I watched a couple of the Magpie Murders but didn't find it very interesting (perhaps I need to persevere with it). It's true that we need to make the most of things we can do.

SweetpeaSue Your family know how you are. Now you're home, you can relax more. I find certain things make emotional - today it was Son2's neighbour welcoming him to the area, with a card and then long chat. I found that so touching and kind. I didn't cry but felt really touched.

ScaredyCat Yes, son cooks (both sons live alone so they have to cook). I hope you enjoyed your walk and then a rest.

Doodle Hoping you and your DH are doing better today.
EllieAnne Hope you've been able to see a friend today.
all other BDers - hope you're all ok.

Son2 has been buying a lot of things for his new house. We left him putting it all away. We took lots of packaging etc to the local recycling place. Carpets (stairs and landings over 3 levels) have been shampooed. Oven is now sparkling, and bathroom is gleaming. He, a mate, Son1 and DH will move all his stuff from storage tomorrow. Time now for a little rest. x

Hvdy i can’t remember if son 2 has the girls or the pregnant gf. Sorry!
I saw a friend this morning and did a bit of weeding this afternoon. Felt very tired after. Think maybe my bug hasn’t completely gone.
Tying myself in knots trying to work ,out when I can go south. Have a few things onover the next weeks.
Still hardly speaking to dh but don’t think he’s even aware.
Sons both have birthdays this month and s 1 wants money towards a lawnmower. So dh wants to order one. But I said son will want to choose it because his garden slopes and he knows what works best. Dh not pleased. He likes making grand gesture.
Sorry I’m rambling but mind is not working properly just now,

Hello all.
Candy hope you have a lovely caravan break with your family. The weather looks good for you.
Sweetpeasue I’m sorry you had that upset when away with your family. I suffer from claustrophobia so couldn’t take being locked in a car even for a short while. I hope your family understand your pain has made you very vulnerable at the moment. Hope you had some good times. Don’t listen to that inner voice, no matter how you feel you are still your sons mother. You will always be family and sometimes family have struggles. Try and think of the good bits of your trip.
HVDY how nice of your sons neighbour to be welcoming. That’s a good start. Sounds like you’re giving lots of cleaning and help. Always takes a while to settle in. Hope he’s happy there.
Steroids can be a problem weight wise. It’s good you’re planning something before you start, I’ve been trying to lose weight for some months now. It’s a gradual process. Not exercising as much as before doesn’t help either. Hope the steroids help.
Scaredycat yes we did sleep last night but unfortunately I was so tired I slept through DH having the most awful bout of cramp. Then when I woke this morning I found him very hot and confused covered up to his neck in duvet, coughing and not at all well. It took me about two hours to reduce his temperature, deal with the coughing and bring him back to himself. All side effects of the transfusion I think. Hers been very groggy and sleepy all day but he’s been through so much it’s not surprising.
Your woodland trust walk sounds nice. Are you still finding that your tired and not able to walk so far? It’s amazing how much an illness can take out of us.
Wyllow good point about opening up a new Black Dog. Yes will whoever posts the last one start us up again and leave a trail of crumbs for us to find. 😊
Wow you did quite a walk. I often watch something whilst in the treadmill. Keeps my mind occupied. I haven’t watched that particular programme but was thinking of giving it a try.
Good luck with the MRI. And hopefully a good result.
Ellie Anne this will be a long weekend for you. You are right to check what your son wants as a lawnmower. We had a sloping lawn and we had a flymo as an ordinary one couldn’t cope. My sons both had birthdays last month 😊
If you are feeling tired it does seem you may still be experiencing the after effects of the bug. Don’t overdo it.
Hope the weather this weekend is fine and perhaps you can find a quiet corner of the garden to relax.
Sorry I haven’t written much. My mind is also a bit groggy and slow. Luckily I don’t seem to have suffered any effect from spending 24 hours plus sitting on a hospital chair. The staff did there best to make me comfy, gave me a blanket and made me coffee and biscuits, they were all very nice.

EllieAnne Son1 (eldest) has got 2 girls, Son2 has pregnant GF and he's the one with a new house. My DH wouldn't mind if didn't talk all day (it doesn't bother him to not speak). I always think it best to either get a present the adult kids want or give them some money. I'm going to treat Son2 to some nice bedding and towels for his new house. His back garden is tiered and up steps, so he's got a Flymo. Hope tomorrow is better for you.

Doodle Thank you. How is your husband now? It sounds as though you both need a good rest, and I certainly hope you get that tonight.

It's been a busy day. The men in the family plus Son2's mate will be busy tomorrow, but my friend's taking me out for a (very slightly early) lunch. Night all x

I meant (very slightly early birthday) lunch x