How to nurse a bad tempered patient at home

You are now a "carer" whether he likes it ornate. Carers have support from the team at the hospital. Speak with his consultants secretary/support worker and tell him he refuses to share with you. She will not tell you anything in details, as he has obviously not consented to that, but shimmy have a chat to him and explain to him how very important it is for you to know what is going on. If it is serious he will have a nurse assigned to him, you could speak with she is there to support you too. I am sadly going through this myself at the moment but thankfully have a partner who shares everything with me. You should also have a carers association within your LA you can get support from there if you are really struggling. Bite your tongue the best you can but encourage him to open op with kindness and love. Keep your ears and eye open for any changes and make precise notes if you see any. This will help the doctor and consultant immensely if he is not good at opening up to them either. Thinking of you x

speak to your gp

Perhaps I overemphasised the fitness to drive issue - its only after some of these invasive tests that I personally feel he shouldn't drive. Otherwise he's perfectly capable and an excellent driver.

Thank you for your empathy folks, its amazingly comforting to have a kind community like this to chat to - it makes you feel kind of 'included' . I feel a lot more relaxed now.

It happens to us all as in being unable to do what we once did, and the fear and pride that go with it is very hard. But I'll bring up an elephant in the room - our own mortality. You cannot know - unless you have discussed it between you previously - how he might fear this eventuality. And I dont know if you have a faith and access therefore to pastoral help.

No, I'm not being overdramatic, because we also all know how many wonderful treatments there are, and it might be a very long way away, but we are talking about possible fears.

This is why upthread I suggested you don't keep beating about the bush behind his back, but address it with him. it must be so lonely inside his heart. If you can, go in there and join him.

If I were in your situation, and I had a reasonably friendly GP, I would want to talk to them - make an appointment for yourself, as you need to take care of you, but ask their advice about approaching your husband. You never know - they might have some way of helping communication. Its very unlikely they have not encountered this before.

Someone above raised the driving issue. This does need addressing. But this IS something your GP could raise with your husband, "you mustn't drive, get a taxi".

The GP can also make medical decisions in reference to his fitness to drive and the DVLA.

Oh dear, Ex dancer, you have my sympathy. As others have said he sounds frightened and of course so do you.
I wonder what tablets he is on? When my DH is on high doses of steroids and when he has taken strong painkillers in the past he has been very brittle and unkind. I wonder if this might be the case?
It’s like treading on eggshells isn’t it?
If you can, avoid asking questions and do a bit of detective work for yourself eg looking up his medication. Make sure you know about their side effects. This might help you to understand what’s happening.
But above all, make sure you look after yourself. He will talk to you eventually. And it sounds like you will need to remain strong as time goes on.

How very stressful for you. When I was referred for cardiology checks last year I was told not to drive until medically cleared to do so. If he is still driving may I suggest that you have a quiet word with his GP, and relate all that is happening. Some of his behaviour could even be due to the side effects of "9 pills every day" , so a drugs review may be appropriate. When the GP then gets him in for a check, he can also address the driving issue, which is a major worry. Hope it all works out for you, but please do get the professional medics involved.

Hetty58

ExDancer;

'he's patently unfit to drive' - so take the keys and/or car away before he kills somebody. Talk to his doctor, too!

How difficult for you, you must be frantic.

I agree he may not be fit to drive.

I was in the cardiology ward recently, due to my breathlessness. I was advised not to drive on discharge, because of this.

Personally I would go with the flow and follow his example. It doesn’t mean that you are not alert etc to him as a patient, but if he is indicating that he can’t/won’t talk about it so be it. Putting pressure on him to talk etc, is simply adding to the pressure he is feeling.

Just that ☝️- he doesn’t want you to worry - he will tell you eventually. If you can manage it, sneak a little look at his medication and Google it. Don’t worry too much - the one encouraging thing is that none of the scans are pointing to anything. So, did he tell you that ?
As we get older, we get tired easily and are unable to do the things we were so used to doing . I am not sure whether you are able to ring the Doctor and get the information yourself since you are his wife - just asking

It could be that he doesn’t want you to worry, clearly, that’s not working, he hasn’t accepted his condition or he is waiting for a prognosis before telling you.

Are you somebody that fusses a lot? Maybe he doesn’t like that.

Hopefully, he will talk when he is ready or if you need to know.

I feel for you it must be worrying.

I'd try, amongst other things, to sneak a look at his tablets, note what they are and look them up to see what they're for.

My mum always used to go to doctor's appointments with my dad. I haven't yet with DH, but surely a spouse is entitled to accompany them if they wish now that Covid retrictions are eased. You need to know what is going on in case of an emergency - if you have to call an ambulance they are going to want to know what medication he is on.

As you say, he is clearly frightened and not aware that sharing the problem is sensible and helpful. I do hope you manage to make some progress.

As for the driving to appointments, when you see he's about to go out, maybe you could suggest that you need to go somewhere and will drop him off.

Goodness, exdancer, I truly don’t know what the answer is unless he would sit and listen while you explain how much you care for him and how scared you are because you don’t know what’s happening. Your husband seems to be struggling with losing his strength, he sounds both scared and angry. Of course he’s not angry with you, he’s angry with his health which spills out at home.

Mr C has struggled with coming to terms with a heart condition, he’ll have cardiac surgery later this year. It’s been hard for him to step back from the things he used to do without thinking and handing tasks over, we’re about to have a decorator work here for example. His pride and confidence in himself have both been severely dented. I imagine the same for your husband.

I’m lucky I think in that I have been involved from day one. Is there anyone who knows your husband well, preferably knows you both, who could have a chat with him and help him understand the effect of his behaviour? Someone he’d talk to and also listen to.

I’m so sorry I can’t be more helpful. It’s so hard not to know what is wrong and also to have support rebuffed. Please come back when it helps, always someone here to listen even if we dont have a solution.

Very hard for you, exDancer 💐

I think, as others have said or implied, that your husband is even more frightened than you are and not speaking about it is his way of coping.

ExDancer, I think it's best to do and say only what does not annoy him. Do you have a rough idea as to what he feels is "fussing" ? If so, don't do it. It sounds as if what annoys him is what you say, not what you do.

ExDancer;

'he's patently unfit to drive' - so take the keys and/or car away before he kills somebody. Talk to his doctor, too!

Sit next to him. Hold his hand/cuddle him if he will let you.

You do know roughly what is going on. He may not open up further, but he might.

Does he/will he talk to anyone else about what is happening? A family member, friend or even someone from a church.

Ex Dancer I am sorry about this and I don't have the answer except to say I think he may talk to you in time but its going to test your patience to the limit. Is he any better with family/ friends etc? Can you ask them round and see if they can get anything out of him? If my grumpy DH is anything to go by he will talk in his own time and only if I don't interrupt or want to discuss it after. I am surprised he had a procedure and drove himself home - he would have been advised not to do that. Poor man - he is terrified and I think you must be too. I hope things get better but meantime take care of yourself.

Really difficult situation but I suppose the positive is that he is accepting hospital treatment.

My husband is the same but I can't help I'm afraid. He caught flu a few years ago and 'lost' a week. I remember waking him up and saying 'look, I know you don't want to but drink this pint of water and take the paracetamol'. I waited for the abuse but he was too ill.
As well as the stress of looking after him, I had his mother phoning by the minute telling me to get the doctor to visit. At the time there was a lot of flu about and I followed the instructions that were in the news.
I think I am proof that the flu jab can work as I didn't catch it.

He is very afraid.
He feels more afraid when you push him (or try to discuss it). That's what I think.
I have no advice really but wanted to send you a virtual hug..
Poor you. Poor both of you.

It sounds like his coping mechanisms of compartmentalising are at the upper limits.

To share with you would mean admitting just how real it all is to himself.

tbh, I would scream. Not literally, but crying and begging for him to share after "all the years we've had together and loving him and how you cant cope without sharing."

Hello ExD, I’ve been in similar situations.
I’ve got to go out now, but I’ll be back later.
I hope that you get some good replies (I’m sure you will)
In the meantime… and a gentle hug