Black Dog 16

SweetpeaSue Sorry, just seen your earlier post - I'm sorry you had all that uterine pain again. You must be so sick of it all. It's good that the painkillers helped, though. I hope the scan on Monday will reveal something that can be dealt with.

HVDY no not taking painkillers that often. My hand stings a bit mostly in the evenings but can’t really complain. I’m looking forward to finding out what I can do.
Wow not often your brother invites you for lunch is it. How nice you had a good time and the sun was shining.
I’m wondering what impact these steroids was supposed to have. Doesn’t seem to have done much for you so far. I am so surprised they haven’t reviewed you before now.
nadateturbe yes I read that about eating carbs. I think in my case I just eat too much too quickly. Always been a fast eater.
I’m sure the baby dream was liked to HVDY’s imminent arrival of new granddaughter too. Sorry you are still feeling so tired. Perhaps a sit in the sun would give you some energy.
Candy I quite often used to come home from work and fall asleep. Is your job very demanding? Rest tomorrow?
Wyllow cake on way. Duck before it gets to you it’s quite solid🤣. Yes it’s fine poor DH is just grateful for anything that resembles cake these days. I used to bake a lot but not now.
It must be quite traumatic having to go over all these past things with your counsellor but I suppose you have to work through them to ba able to get to grips with what happened. I have never lived with anyone with MH problems like that so can’t imagine how awful it must have been to feel you were alone in trying to help him. I’m not surprised you feel anger.
With regards to moving house, are you unhappy in your home now, does it bring constant memories of past hurt and upset?
Sweetpeasue I have seen the Devils food cake but not tried it yet. Maybe next time. If you are uncomfortable at the hairdressers then a mobile one could be the answer. You could try and find a wig that suits you or a hair piece. Lots of people even with tons of their own hair wear them. Hair extensions. My DIL had them put in for her wedding. I couldn’t see the difference between that and her own hair. It was only because she told me that I knew she’d had it done.
Well done you for sticking with book club even though you were tired. I’m glad you are having a scan Monday also the Urologist at the weekend. Hope both are able to help.
Moan away. Wish I could offer more constructive help than just listening.
EllieAnne perhaps you could have your hair gradually lightened so the growing out wouldn’t be so obvious.
On several occasions recently some one at the hospital has referred to me as DHs daughter. He thinks it’s funny but it annoys me no end. After all he’s been through this year he’s aged a lot. The only reason they think I look younger is my hair which is brown. I’m only 2 years younger than DH. I just wish they would think before they speak.
Have you been out and about today or helping with your grandchildren?
Scaredycat glad you are having such a good time. It is hard coming to accept that we’ve lost a lot of our active selves . I wonder if it happens so quickly for others. Last year I felt fine. This year I spend much of the time worn out.
Good news for us today. DH has been given the all clear for our holiday later this month. Just hope the physio can help me get more use back in my hand.

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Doodle
Thank you for the cake. It landed gently near the French windows. Right. wonderful that all is set for DH to go away, now the healing hand fairies need to appear.

HVDY My family think what you say. “You did well to get free of him. Keep telling yourself that, and reminding yourself that you're stronger than you realise”

It’s not like that. It’s not an escape. It’s not a death. But it is death of the loving bits.
Dead but not dead.
This article says it better than anything I’ve read. Especially when Despite all, especially early on, there were many times of passion and happiness together. and the dont understand.

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/when-abusive-relationships-end-a-complex-grief

But yes, am very unhappy in my home. I wake after all these years still and he might just be in the next room.
Or hug me, or the good things.

But he’s 3 miles away hating and blaming all his family including his very fragile mum. I didn't want to be free of the love, but of course neither will I let myself be abused.

Doodle Yes I think mobile hairdresser is way to go.
Oh Doodle that's great news about the ok for a holiday. You will both

have something to look forward to after all the stressful hosp appts. So pleased for you both. I'm sure your cake wasn't so bad!
Hope eberyone has a peaceful night.

Sorry HVDY not in a good place. Came in far too grumpy.

I'm not strong, I wouldn't be getting the level of MH care if I was, and getting free has made me ill and far from being able to face a house move - never mind the financial consequences, which I have not alluded to (as in the of physical and MH stress from last year as I had to divorce whilst all these feelings still complex and mixed.)

Just feel devastated about upsetting people last night, it was on my mind all night. Sorry - just a vv bad patch, that feeling of not counting to anyone, nor myself. No car today - collected for MOT, so just going to bed, things feel pointless.

Wyllow I looked at your last posts and couldnt see anything that would have upset anyone. I'm sure we all think this though at times--I know I do. Texts can never replace F2F but we all understand that.
Ive done exactly the same and haveworried for hrs and think I shouldnt have moaned on about such and such. I'm so sorry you have worried so much about your messages.
You are not pointless to me Wyllow or I'm sure, to anyone here. Or to your Quaker friends. But I understand that, right now it won't feel enough.
You are such a warm and lovely person with a bright mind and quick wit that if/when you decide you'd like to have a close relationship with someone I'm sure that wouldn't be a problem.
Just right now you are v wounded and they are such fresh wounds.
I wish I could give you a proper hug and we could have coffee together.
That pointless feeling won't be so acute, later perhaps, or tomorrow. It's a feeling that isn't true but you feel it because of what youve been through.
Is it time for some music? Or maybe not.
I'm here and your sister is there and your son. I'm so sorry that your ex isnt. The good part. But you need to protect yourself and you can't let yourself be abused any more.
Thinking of you and sending love. Xxx

Thank you so much now I can cry. There would be two of us howling eyes out probably.

Everything you said was the right thing. I cant expect to get over having thought I was so loved at the start and for some time before the *hit begun - and now thinking, "how much of those 11 years was "real". Then because it was partly as he was ill that last year was still trying to facilitate his care and it wore me out. Last time I made a house move on my own I ended up being admitted a couple of nights thee strain got too much so not confident at all.

But most of all, so glad to get your response, x

Dear Wyllow there’s nothing upsetting in what you wrote last night. We all read what we can into others posts. It’s so easy to misunderstand where others are coming from especially, as Sweetpeasue said, we are not F2F.
I was forever misunderstanding Annies posts because I think we all put our on thoughts of how we would feel in the same circumstances when we reply to others.
So sorry you have spent the night worrying over nothing. Mind you we’ve all done that too.
Of course you count. We all do. Life knocks so many people down and when you struggle to get back up again it can be hard if you don’t have the support and a helping hand from others. But we keep trying and looking for some better times.
Hope the car passes its MOT.
Sweetpeasue nice post.

Wyllow Hope you get some release from the tears Wyllow. Its such a hard life sometimes. I didn't know about the overwhelming stress of last move and the consequences. Take your time about the moving decision. It might be too soon right now.
Doodle Hope you are both ok today.

Wyllow I’m sure no one was upset by your post. I’m sorry that you feel so low . Hope today is better. I can see that moving would be a lot to cope with and you are not rushing into it. But the house seems to be upsetting you at the moment.
I’ve managed a good walk first for a while.

Wyllow I certainly didn't mean to offend you at all, and didn't mean to be flippant in any way. I'm sorry if I upset you in anything I said. I hope today has been a better day for you x

Doodle It made a change to see my brother and his wife. i think he wanted to show off his "new" (it's not new, but newer than his other one was) car to my husband. The food was ok, and the sun shone (It's sunny here today, too). Have you been out today? How's your husband?

SweetpeaSue You're good with words (like Doodle) and seem to know what to say to people. I'm not, but I find face-to-face chats easier. How have you been today?

I went to the day centre, had breaded fish, mashed potato, veg., then cherries and ice cream, a muffin and hot chocolate with chocolate orange Bailey's. Lovely. It was a "pamper day", so some people that had a shoulder massage, nails painted, foot spa. Hope all BDers have been ok x

Wyllow how could you hurt anyone by talking about your problems and how you feel. It's far better to write here how you are feeling as it out in the open. If you hold your feelings in you only hurt yourself and no one what's you to hurt anymore than you already are hurting. Having a good cry makes me feel better. I learnt the hard way by being brave when my husband died and held my feelings in until I went to bed that it hurt more . I remember crying one night so hard my chest hurt and my pillow was soaked with tears and snot. Not a pretty picture I know.

But you do have people that love and care about you let them comfort you. Like others I wish I could get you a hug and tell you in person how wonderful you are and you are . You may not feel it but you are a survivor and whatever life throws at you you battle on.

That's goes for everyone else you are all survivors and boy some of you have hard battles to fight but you fight on. No matter what going on in your lives you always have kind supporting words for others.

That's why this thread survives because you all care about eachother. And that's true friendship and long may this thread reign.

Because I’m always afraid I’ve said something Terribly Damaging. To an ‘I’ll’ put of proportion level.

What’s happened is that the ‘chickens have come home to roost’. In terms of present trouble grieving Ex relating to the past.

I’ve never been able to grieve hardly at all since the trauma of my Dads sudden death and my mum breaking down when I was 19 and no funeral or talking about him (blocked by Nan who was there at the time). No funeral, no hugs as Nan kept us away from mum in bed, no crying allowed, no other family members or friends allowed in the house, then mum taken to mental hospital and me and immediate sib just went back to different uni.

It’s very likely that at last it’s coming out and I’ll have to do the grieving work which includes the past. It has disabled me lifelong ie my MH states. My immediate sun also had lifelong depression but much younger sis and bro (twins) did a bit better as they stayed at home and had a lot of support from their school, where my mum taught, and talked about it to each other. And then a bit to mum much later, but I think my doc sis became her carer quite a bit.
It must have been so tough for them but the fact they had to live through it at the time with support did help.

I’d also had a big row with my Dad before he died, and it took me years to realize I blamed myself. (Hence feeling I have Terrible Powers).

Splitting with Ex was over a year but there was that trauma point I’ve alluded to.

I’m scared to cry and grieve. It feels like I want to die. Clearly this is not normal it is MH but that’s where things are: things have come to a head and constant high levels of anxiety and getting things out of proportion all the time.

Not my immediate sun but my immediate sib!

HVDYSounds like a delicious meal at the day centre. The 'pamper' day must have cheered a lot of people up too.

Just had a telephone appt from GP and just feel I don't matter. As I said yesterday, pain in uterus for first time this year(apart from once in March). Last night severe headache, sweatsand shivering so went to bed and managed few hrs sleep then really severe uterus pain and sweats. Took Tramadol, no effect so took Oramorph. Eventually slept though still milder pain this morn. So disappointed that uterus pain back and worried in case it was infection(as swab result not given).
Called surgery for GP appt. Had to cancel counselling and not seen her for a month. GP finally rang at 4 and it's not infection - just told to take the painkillers. She didnt know Id seen new Gynaecologist. I gabbled on trying to explain what's happened over Urology and Gynae. 10 mins up.
I got the impression it was no big deal to keep on with all this pain. Just take painkillers. Felt she left the call so late in afternoon so I wouldn't ask for F2F.

Now Ive the uterus pain back to but I guess its all just Chronic Pelvic Pain.
I'm so upset. The only Gynaecologist I have is RVI and I've no appt to see him again. He said he'd leave things open. I feel so alone and like no Drs care. They're all too busy. Well there you are Ive moaned again.
Hopeing everyone else hasnt had too bad a day. Xx

You haven’t moaned sweetpeasue you’ve told it like it is. Your feelings of abandonment are very understandable. Oh for a system like when the GP could have sat down with you and given you quality listening and thoughtfulness and time. It might not produce more answers quickly but you would feel you mattered, and counted, and there was care being given.

Whiff you said some great things as have others. HVDY I felt I’d publicly tried to ‘ put you right’ about grieving abuse and how strong I really am hence my posts x

Wyllow Such a lot there and Ive not taken it all in yet.
Just seen your post and so wish Id not posted mine right now.

There's a lot there in your post to digest. You sound so upset, there's a lot there to unpick. If you feel you are rising into a panic state please ring your crisis number.

It must have been terrible keeping all your grief in like that when your father died. Its a lot to expect. I'm so sorry.
All of the past will all come up now you are suffering the grief from your breakup too.
We are all here. I know they are only words but we can try our best and you know we all care. Sending a warm hugx

Thanks Wyllow. It all is what it is with the NHS isnt it? Just had counsellor call and say her next earliest appt is not for 3 weeks. So GP appt for nothing really. You are a sensitive and caring person. I think everyone here is the same.
Lovely words Whiff .

SweetpeaSue Oh, that's terrible. You can't keep on like that. Would you be able to speak with or see the Gynaecologist? Do you think the pain IS to do with the pelvic/bladder problem?

Wyllow Not being able to grieve when your father died must have been awful. I wonder if the way your Nan reacted was her way of dealing with her loss? (I assume your dad was her son). When my brother died (he was 21, ran over by a drunk driver, I witnessed the whole thing), we - mum, dad, 1 brother in the army, 1 brother married - didn't ever talk about him for years, didn't have any photos displayed, never cried in front of each other, etc. I had to go back to work after 1 week (my brother and I worked at the same place, so everyone there knew us). Then the Coroner's inquest, where I had to give a witness statement. I think, as a result, I have sometimes maintained this "stiff upper lip". I hope you can get the support you need, with your feelings. We on BD all care.

The Rheumatology department rang me, wasn't of any use. They got a Pharmacist to ring me, and she told me about the steroid side-effects (I already know and have been experiencing them), so that wasn't very helpful. I spoke with the Neurologist's secretary, who said she can't get me an appointment before October, as "that's not what the Neurologist wants", so I'll just carry on as I am and think myself lucky not to have anything serious. I need to get into a better frame of mind tomorrow x

Hello dear friends. Been out all day - I,m cream crackered!!!
Doodle- so happy you and DH can have a holiday- it will do you both so good. Remember to pace yourselves!! I never learn but I feel the need to do and see as much as possible cos of my health. Hope todays physio appt was encouraging.
SweetPeaSue- oh what a dissappointment - you need a FTF and with someone who can actually see and empathise with how distressed you are.I think there are private GPS you can see like consultants- would that be a possibility? Maybe your counsellor will have a cancellation so you can see her earlier. What a state of affairs it is- and no you are not moaning.
Wyllow- please don’t worry about whatever you post - that awful Why did I write that- what will they think etc etc is how we all feel from time to time and can spend hours going over and over it in our head. You have suffered so much for so long that it has worn you out emotionally. Being scared to cry and grieve is so damaging as I know too well in fact I can’t cry .
You count so very much to us all and your humour and wit make you a person that would be fun to be with.
Sending loving thoughts and a Giant size hug.
HVDY- todays day centre lunch sounded good- love cherries they are my favourite fruit. Hope your rash is calming down today.
EllieAnne- glad you are back to walking- was the sun shining?
Whiff- once again you seem to know just what to say - such a kind person
Love to allx

Scaredycat it sounds as if you are enjoying your time away - I hope so - you say some very thoughtful and understanding things. Noted, you're another cant cry - it does take its toll.

So you've "Been there" HVDY where grieving Not Allowed. Bad consequences! I'm so sorry that you weren't able to get help from Rheumatology just thank goodness this course of tablets is time limited. Hope you have a good evening that sets you up for tomorrow. No, Nan was Mum's mum, but her husbandry mums dad took his own life when mum was just engaged to be married. it must have triggered stuff for her -she wasn't a very interested in children Nan, and wanted to keep mum for herself after her own past loss is my guess. In the end, the family, even mum, had to get rid of her by calling brother in to insist.
These things often go back generations, dont they?

"it is what it is with the NHS" Sweetpeasue oh yes. Time, just time, is what's needed - time to relate to patients, reassure, make sure everything has been understood - so you run round trying to join the dots yourself - at great emotional cost.

I do hope the sun shone for you on a walk Ellie Anne too.
another thank you for Whiff and best wishes for all other BD's.

I will of course ring the crisis line, at the same time I am aware that it would be best to "work through" this crisis if I can, not avoid it. A chance to move on if I can do it.