Black Dog 16

I have posted this in the main health topic but just remembered this thread so hope ok to copy it here. Just let me know if doesn’t fit here abd I will delete x

I hope it’s ok to post this. I don’t want to upset anyone.
Would really appreciate support / advice.
I have taken a low dose tricyclic antidepressant for many years and have been well for the last 12 years. (Before that every time I tried to come off I crashed down so stopped trying to withdraw even slowly.)
I had been on the current dose for two years and had no intention of reducing further but about 3 weeks ago out of the blue I started having severe panic / anxiety and I’m now very low. I am in the process of increasing the AD back to a full dose.
I am unrecognisable from the person I was a few weeks ago.
Constant panic. Very low. Have lost a lot of weight.
I am very frightened that I’ll never get well again.
GP aware. Has given me some diazepam although not sure if should take.
Last time this happened was 13 years ago and it took a number of months to settle but then was very well for a number of years.
I’m worried that the increase won’t work this time because it’s the 3rd time I’ve gone back up on this medication.

Sorry to hear your very sad news Candy.

I pad has returned! She sent it special delivery after telling me that she couldn’t get to the post office. I am so grateful.
She won’t discuss her problems with me but I don’t think she has any input from mh team. She has had in the past but it’s complicated.
Food bank was quite busy. It’s a trussell trust one and people need vouchers to come.
I did some weeding after. A bit tired tonight.
Sleep well everyone.

Hi sallyyyy you can tell it like it is here - not that this is the case, but some of us have times for example when life isnt worth living, and say so. The everyday chat you read is based on the fact that all of us do have MH problems of different kinds.

"I am very frightened that I’ll never get well again. " this is very, very understandable. Its frightening to feel that panic and anxiety. I think a lot of us here move in and out of that state: we often discuss how to cope. I can recall posts on this thread where people were waiting for a drug to kick in and felt, "will it ever happen".

when you have upped your dose n the past, how long has it taken to kick in?

The value of using diazepam in the short term is to take the edge off the fear and panic whilst the raised drug level does kick in.

If it doesn't work, my thoughts are to go back to the GP to look at reviewing your anti-depressant.

There are a whole number of newer ones than tricyclics (I was the dose from 75mg to 100mg when needed).

Some of the newer anti-depressants target anxiety as much as depression, but you need to talk that over with your GP. Changing from one to another is a tough time, but you can talk to the GP about coping drugs whilst that happens.

Some of us here do counselling. Others here may have ideas too. I have help from within the MH system, its not easy to get it but if matters persist talk to your GP about a possible referral.

EllieAnne so glad you've got your I pad, good for DD come up trumps.

I have my psychologist tomorrow morning, glad its come round.

Thank you so much @Wyllow3 I really appreciate the message.
The AD I use is clomipramine. It took a few months to settle last time but then I was very well for a number of years.

Ah, I was on Amitriptyline so dosage different. And targeted differently condition wise. Is your GP good on MH issues? In my practice some are more knowledgable than others on the range of drugs now available. But it does seem from past experience that upping the dose works?

Tough waiting, tho, aways.

sallyyyy You say you felt very well for 12 years but that you've been on the current dose for 2 years - had it been reduced then? You can get better, and you will. It will take a little bit of time for you to feel better (until you're on the full dose), and you may just notice one day that you feel ok. I don't know what to say about Diazepam, as I've no experience with it. I've been on Mirtazapine for about 6 years, full dosage, but still occasionally have low days, which I think happens with depression/anxiety/life events. I wish you well. Keep posting on here when you feel like it.

EllieAnne Good on your daughter for sending your iPad. I know how much it means to you.

How is everyone this morning? I got my mop chopped, so it feels and looks better. Where's the so-called heatwave?! It's cold here. Thinking of Doodle and her husband. Hope all BDers are ok x

After noon all. I had quite painful psychologist session - nothing wrong, just going through stuff. After that I thought I'd collapse and watch TV, but am proud I heaved ho and did some grotty jobs - well it got me out and achieved something, then I did a bit in the garden which is rare for me.

The sun has come out this afternoon - nice mop chop HVDY tho I wouldn't call it a heatwave....just in time for duvet time. I don't think much of anything else will be done today.

Yes I was originally on 75mg (although for a few weeks) then reduced to 50mg. Stayed on that for a year or so then reduced to 35 and then 25mg. Stayed on that for 10 years and then reduced to 18mg which had been on last two years. (And been fine)

Sallyyyy I hope you have been reassured a little by posters here that you can get better again. Your anxiety sounds horrible, hence your GP's decision to prescribe some Diazapam. I'm guessing this is short term until you get used to the new dose of ADs. I was prescibed Diazapam, in the same way-short term, last year. They were smallest dosage 2mg, and I was a bit wary too. For me--and everyone is different-- 1 tablet hardly made any difference. Iwas then told to take 2 by GP when necessary. They helped on 4 occasions. I still have some left so a small one off prescription, short term is helpful. No good GP would or should press you into taking anything you're not happy about so perhas you need to go back to him/her if the high anxisty persists. I'm really sorry you're feeling like this and hope you start to feel some relief soon.
HVDY Glad your hair cut has made you feel better. My DH did my roots today. Certainly no heatwave here but been bright and sunny. Yes, been thinking of poor Doodle's DH today with that prep for Colon procedure.
Wyllow Feels good to get 'grotty' jobs out the way. Not surprised you're ready for a nap after all that as well as the Psychology counselling session.
Habe been to reading group today. New book of short stories started by Hilary Mantel. Not liking the book at all. Never read anything by her.

Someone gave short brief about her life and things got too close to home when it was revealed she had suffered with pain all her life and she wasnt believed. Was given AD's and Drs nelieved it was in her mind. She later found she had Endometriosis and had so many ops on her bowel and bladder. I felt really tearful but managed to hold it back.
EllieAnne So pleased your daughter got your IPad back to you.

Hope everyone's day has been ok.

Wyllow Well done in getting out of that bit of a slump and doing some jobs. It's sunny here now, but windy. I did a bit of cleaning & tidying. Nothing much.
Sallyyyy Did your GP suggest reducing the dosage? I hope you'll start to feel better when you increase it again. I'm on the maximum dose of my ADs. I'd rather take that for the rest of my days than ever feel like I did before.

Wyllow I just realised you mentioned about the lump on shoulder getting bigger. I hope it doesn't restrict your movement too much but mainly hope you get your MRI scan soon. Did they give you any idea of how long a wait it would be?

Candy- so,sorry to hear your sad family news. It sounds like you have a wonderful family who all look out for each other. Your MiL must have been very pleased to see you.
Hope you had a restful night after the emotion of the day.
EllieAnne- glad you got your iPad back - whatever did we do before we had them!! You did so well with the driving and seems like you enjoyed your time with your DD despite the difficulties she has . It’s a shame she lives so far away.
HVDY- what a lovely friendship you have with your sons ex- nice to have an extension to your Birthday too!! Her little boy sounds a delight.
That heatwave didn’t materialise here either. It’s been so cold the last couple of days. You must have felt cold after your hair cut!
Doodle- oh your poorDH - that prep is so horrible. Hope the procedure goes smoothly when he has it. You both deserve a break and rest.
My sister has 2 stools like your SiL. She can do without carers to help her shower etc now. Her DH is doing everything at the moment but I think they could do,with some help if possible.
The cafe is open now and doing really well in fact sometimes people queue. GD and I had coffee and cakes - what a temptation to have just up the road!! GGS starts this weekend to very gradually reintroduce solid food again. He will be pleased I am sure but it will be a bit nerve wracking for DGD.
SweetPeaSue- it’s so good to hear about you having fun with your DGS - don’t they just love doing silly things!! Your plant sounds beautiful and again so nice to hear you able to take pleasure in your garden. I hope you have had a good day today too.
Wyllow- good news your back coped well with some gym work. Lovely to get out in the countryside it always raises my spirits too. Memories will always surface but it’s good that you can see positives as well.
Oh dear the Alien is being a nuisance now- hope its days are numbered soon.
Sallyyyy- good to have you here. Hope you post whenever you feel like it- we are all here for you.

I saw the Cardiologist yesterday evening and he said the AF is now persistant and is unlikely to go back into NSR. We discussed options but decided to leave things as they are and just live with it. It’s hard but it seems the best option.
I have to adjust to this situation and also take my age into consideration - both a challenge.
Despite everything that has happened in my life I have never taken AD,s but 4 weeks ago the Doc persuaded me to try them for my anxiety. Hope they help.

Love to all

Dear all. Sorry I don’t really have the time to post tonight, DH is taking his prep for tomorrow and is very doped up on BP meds as well. I can’t take my eyes off him for a minute, I am getting us both to bed so that he can rest and a short walk to the bathroom.
Hope you are all ok and I will be back with you tomorrow x

Scaredycat that was a tough decision, to start anti-d's, knowing in a way its a physical condition that has brought you low...but your life has recentlybeen one of fear and reluctance to go out and so on so hoping when they kick in things seem a bit brighter. .. But lovely cafe news..just up the road too, ideal.

Sweetpeasue oh my, that was so close to the bone! Must have been so hard to hear. I've not read Mantel yet it hasn't appealed. Re Diazepam - my feeling it thats its good to have a little number of them to hand, "in case". Knowing they are there can be helpful as in "if this gets worse I can always"....

Alien lump results should have come in but I imagine held up by strike last week....in terms of taking the alien off,

Must admit, unless its on an urgent list (which is unlikely) I am looking at my savings because I know a lovely surgeon now retired and private who did my face op. Because the next months are stressful and maybe he move to flat....psychologist btw was lovely about referring me up to MH services where I'd be if I moved, but told me I should discuss expectations with family. She's right, but do it in lighthearted way to make sure expectations more or less match.

Fed up with endless exhaustion but sort of..coping a bit better as I get used to it. I think the hardest thing is knowing that if I do the "necessaries" there's no energy left for the "possible nice-do's.

Bests to all BD's reading and posting.

Little thought for you Doodle as you negotiate another exhausting test week. Was colonoscopy today?

Scaredycat I'm glad you saw your Cardiologist but sorry he thinks the AF unlikely to return to normal.I think making decisions about 'options' can be so difficult that often choosing to stay with what you know can feel safer and more comfortable. I think I have the same mind frame when faced with choices.
I hope the AD's will help you and relieve some of the anxiety.
Sure the new cafe must be such a treat to visit with your DGD. Its good to know your GGS is able to try some food now. I hope he adapts to it quickly and can enjoy some food again.

Wyllow I can well understand your thinking about perhaps needing to have lump removed privately. You wont want any health distractions if you plan to move. So good to know that your Psychologist can refer you to the new place if you need it.

Yes it was 'close to the bone' hearing Mantel's pain issues. My bowel pain was bad last night and is starting again now. I've been given no reason/diagnosis so now keep thinking ckuld it be adhesion growing back or is there endometriosis that last Gynaecologist didnt see or saw but didnt tell me about. My trust will never be the same and I know I can never be the same either. I know what happened to me--its my story but its like I'm not allowed/able to tell it. It will always be there - especially when Ive pain. Hot flushes and other stuff keep everything 'alive'.

Doodle Good luck for your DH's colonoscopy procedure tomorrow. Sure you'll both be glad to get tonight over with too. X

Thank you so much for the kind messages.
I did take one of the diazepam in the end.
I just wondered what different anti depressants people are taking. Particularly ones that help with anxiety.
In terms of me reducing my dose two years ago. I had been very well for 8-10 years. Dr was happy for me to come off completely but I knew I had crashed before doing that so just reduced a little to try and avoid that.
Had been fine for last two years in the reduced dose.

sallyyyy

I'm not on anti'd's, I'm on a mood stabiliser that has some anti'd effect, but I have bi-polar 2. But I do have diazepam to hand and a great relief it is too.

It is interesting to hear of the different drugs, but they affect different people differently, maybe you 'd like to pop in here?

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/antidepressants/comparing-antidepressants/

Sweetpeasue that trigger has hit hard, hasn't it? Echoed far too much and trust lost makes one so wobbly.

I'm beyond tired and have promised myself to try and do nice things tomorrow...I have to get up early for my lovely cleaner, but she's good with dressing gowns.

Hot news - DS is going to look at the block of flats I'm interested in on my behalf tomorrow. Feel very funny/weird/ mixed excitement and distress about it all...

Wyllow Re-reminder of my lack of diagnosis of pain - exactly.

So glad your son is helping. But brings to home the reality of what could be your future plans, so understand the fear.

SweetpeaSue Having something wrong and not being believed must be terrible. I wonder how many people suffer that. I hope your bowel pain has subsided a bit this morning.
ScaredyCat I'm glad your GS will be able to start introducing food again, and I hope he gets on well with it. I expect he'll be given quite plain things, to begin with. The cafe sounds good. I'm sorry the AF will stay with you. I hope it will be managed well. Taking ADs might help with the way you've been feeling. Which are you taking?
Wyllow Exciting news about the flat. I hope it's suitable and that you can start a new life there.
Doodle Thinking of you and your husband, and hoping today goes well.

Hope all BDers manage to have a bit of sunshine today. It's lovely here. I'm off to the day centre, but without my SIL. She doesn't now get much benefit from going - doesn't want to get up/dressed to go, then doesn't ever instigate any conversation (even with me), can't do the quizzes or follow Bingo, is unable to join in any chats. Such a shame. I'll go and see her next week. Love to all on here x

HVDY Thankyou. Bowel pain subsided quite a bit now. Sorry for being a misery. Hope you have a nice time at daycentre. You will have got to know quite a few people there. Its so sad about your SIL - I know that happens with Dementia but so very sad.
Sunny here and I'm of to change a striped 3/4 length cardi at Tesco. Think we live in supermarkets🤔.
Realised I'm also living in stripey things. No idea how that's happened as I've always HATED stripes! 🤷
DoodleHope everything goes ok today with the test. x

Thank you for that link Wyllow

HvDY glad you had a good time with your friend. You were very good with what you ate for lunch. I always feel better after a haircut too. I wonder what delicious things you will have for lunch at the day centre. I’m just having a hot chocolate while I wait for DH to come out of his colonoscopy.
Wyllow your drive in the countryside sound relaxing. I do hope you get yourMRI soon now your Alien is causing you problems. I think the fact you are getting excited about your son viewing the flat is an indicator you do want to move sometime soon.