Black Dog 16

Sweetpeasue Sorry the book reading upset you. I can understand why. I know we are not professionals but we believe you. Sometimes I think if you don’t fit into a neat category then they don’t know what to do with you. Your aren’t being a misery. You do your best to encourage others and on this thread you can say how you feel without feeling criticised.
Glad your bowel pain is a bit better. Hope you change your cardi for something you like.

Scaredycat thé café sounds a nice place to visit. We have a new one near us too but not been there yet,
DH coped well with the prep and surprisingly had some sleep last night. I’m just hoping the prep has worked and they can see what they need to.
Your sister and her husband could do with some home help. Sometimes people dont realise how tiring it is helping other and keeping things going. I have become quite tired recently and am not really doing all that much for DH. I’m not used to doing all the driving.
Sorry the AF is a permanent fixture but sometimes living with something you understand and are used to is better than the upheaval of procedures and treatment. I think the antidepressant may well help. Don’t expect instant reaction it’s something that happens over time so you suddenly realise one day you feel better.

sallyyyy welcome. I see you’ve already had some good advice on here. You can post how you’re feeling on this thread without fear of anyone telling you to pull your socks up or making light of the situation. We all know in one way or another what you are going through. There are lots of different treatments available and I’m sure something will work for you. I hope the diazepam helps and takes the edge off for you. Please keep in touch and let us know how you’re doing.

SweetpeaSue I love animal print things (not too much though), and I buy most of my clothes from Asda. Cheap and cheerful, and I get some nice things for the GDs. Today was beef stew and dumplings, crusty bread (I didn't have the dumplings or bread but I did enjoy a bit of bread & butter pudding . Some bloke came to sing to us (a bit of a cheesy club singer type, but the older people there liked it) and a woman who does exercises with us is always very bright and breezy. A nice day.
Doodle I hope your husband's tests show some results soon and that he gets effective treatment. You must both be fed-up of all these medical appointments, but I'm glad the hospital is trying to get to the bottom of things with him.

Nice to see you in Doodle, for the constant run of tests and appointments is indeed exhausting and dispiriting. Is the colonoscopy tomorrow? I was so nervous just a few weeks back but the pain relief made it fine and it will be helpful to find out whats going on. I wish I were nearly to take you both out for a country drive and a coffee to give a break!

Last night was grim again - echoes of Ex loss still - this sunny weather reminds me of the best part of our time, for we went for walks and bike rides in the countryside, things I'm not good at alone, and wishing could get MRI results to know how things are, and feeling am I a complete fool to think I could up and move with the sort of head I carry around with me...
but woke up determined to go to the gym, partly egged on by getting out of the cleaner's way. Slept.

My son went to my "target flats" to visit this afternoon and the reports were all good - there is actually one suitable flat on the market which just sends me into a tailspin, "if it goes will another come up" (I am fussy - won't have a flat that doesn't get sun).

Anyway after that I plucked up courage...first went on a very short bike ride which gave me confidence, and then and rung to arrange a valuation on my house...and my cleaner to come for the day before to spiff it up. there are things needing doing in the house - some bare plaster patches upstairs - I need to find out, does it actually matter and so on not an ideal home.

Now my task is to not get high....keep feet on ground...trust will get answers for alien etc.

HVDY its been so long since I had dumplings. Love them. Cooking for one and tiredness...I do eat well but it tends to be something like microwaved steamed chicken or salmon, and green beans or carrots.

I've not shopped for clothes in Asda, as there isn't one anywhere near me - the temptations lie in Sainsbury's in their "TU" range.

I've noticed I'm watching the news less - I am very political but it does get too much when I feel "what can I do".

HVDY You did well to refuse the dumpings and bread at centre. If it was a choice between those and pudding Id have chosen pudding too. 😊 Though I do like dumplings-mum used to make them. The exercise lady sounds nice. Oh my- 'some bloke came to sing to us' - - I wouldnt know where to look 🤭 Got refund for cardi. Hope the steroids arent causing too much of a problem with side effects.
Doodle I hope the Colonoscopy was ok for your DH - I know people can have different experiences. He will be pleased to get it over with. I'd never heard of those buggy things, how considerate and what a good idea. I dont think any Drs disbelieve my pain(though in early days some GPs thought that it couldnt have been my procedure) but I know I wasnt believed by some 'friends' that Drs deceived me and even a couple of relatives. 'Reasons' were given to rationalise things that happened that were just not so and were later proved not so. Nobody, at first, really believed me for a long time. Some at book group doubt still, though they dont k now whole story and one has to be careful. I dont discuss it there as I know I wasnt believed. It's why I felt so very alone. BD was my raft in the sea and helped me keep my sanity. You all have helped so much.
I do hope you both get a decent rest tonight. I wish I could help. Hope it wont be an early morning for you tomorrow.
Wyllow Sorry about your bad night. Those thoughts about your good time with ex--bike rides and such- - must be so hard now with your further knowledge. I'm sure there will have been genuinely good shared times but it must be difficult to process in the light of others.
You have done amazing today. It must be exciting that your son thinks a flat is very suitable. Yes, feet on ground. One thing I notice is your firm requirement of the sunny position. I think you must keep that, no matter what, as it means so much to your MH and quality of life. Hope your night is good tonight and don't believe the inner voices of doubt. We are here.
Scaredycat Hope youve been ok today. You may be behind me but I'll not see your post until I post mine.

Bowel pain coming and going all day but not as severe as when A&E visits advised. Managed walk on beach which really lifted spirits a bit then came home to Bladder Distention operation in post. I'd already been thinking about this a lot. Urologist already said he didnt think he'd find anything. I know that the Bladder Distention procedure, if helps pain at all, is only temporary pain relief for 3/6 mths. Its quite controversial - Urologists are divided over it's use. The only reason I suggested it last appt was because I know its done under GA and he'd be able to look in bladder at same time. Have decided against it. I think. Ive had other scans and nothing shown up. Ive had this bladder pain for about 8 or 9 yrs and although its been worse lately, there no cure for Interstitial Cystitis.
So think I'll follow Scaredycat and stick with what I know. Idont want anything to get worse by having it done.

Candy. EllieAnne Nadateturbe Whiff and *Sallyyyy Hope everyone is ok and has a decent night.

Wyllow Well done on going for a bike ride. It was certainly the weather for it. Thinking of past happy times with your ex must be bittersweet. You are doing so well, though, and moving home might be a lovely fresh start for you. You'll know if/when it feels right to do that.
SweetpeaSue Apart from a chubbier face (known as moon face), I haven't had any side-effects, thanks for asking. The singer today sang a lot of very old stuff (I'm more into Arctic Monkeys, Rolling Stones and Linkin Park , so it wasn't to my taste)I think you're right not to have the bladder op. As you say, you wouldn't want to make anything worse. General anaesthetic and surgery are a lot to go through.

Thinking of Doodle and her DH.
I just watched Paul O'Grady's For the Love of Dogs, and sat blubbing through it

Hope all BDers have a relaxing evening. x

I watched old fave Vera. Its either one I missed, or more likely, once I've forgotten.

I think you've made the right choice, Sweetpeasue You have had some better days recently....if sometime in the future it seems like a good idea, the option is there.

People just don't want to believe some things. I think its fear. Or total lack of any relevant experience for themselves or those close to them. Scary to think a doctor could have caused pain however inadvertently. Or notes could get lost etc.

HVDY Oh I liked Paul O Grady. He so loved all animals and came across as sincere.
I felt so scared when I was put on steroids for Polymyalgia. On them for 11 mths and dont think Id have minded a chubbier face (wrinkles/lines sorted!) though never happened. I think my dosage was less. Glad the singer pleased others though I see what you mean. Hope you have a good night's sleep.

Doodle- I hope by now your DH has recovered from the colonoscopy procedure and that it will have been a helpful for him. Thank you for thinking of us while you were waiting for him. You really need a rest - as you say trying to spin all the plates is very tiring and driving is stressful at the best of times. Hope tonight you are both able to get some decent sleep.
Thank you for the info re AD,s - the Doc said the same thing.
HVDY- I like animal prints too - I like the colours.
Oh dumplings 😋 my Mum used to make lovely ones but I don’t think I,ve had any since. You made the best choice though bread and butter pud.
I always feel so embarrassed at those sort of singers and sing alongs. But they do make a big effort to give everyone a good day at your centre. Such a shame your SiL doesn’t really get the benefit from it like she used to.
SweetPeaSue- Glad the pain didn’t stop you having your beach walk- wish I could have come with you.
I agree with your decision re the bladder procedure- sometimes leaving well alone seems the sensible thing to do. You could always change your mind if you felt it had got much worse again.
Wyllow- you have made great strides today. I haven’t ridden my bike for years the roads round here are too busy . Have your bluebells come out yet? We thought we,d wait til next week and maybe go up to the woods.
Exciting news that there is a flat that would suit you. Especially if it’s a bright sunny one. You will know more once your valuation is done- I wouldn’t worry too much about doing things before selling unless it is something important. Whoever buys will probably change stuff anyway. Yes take it slow and don’t overdo it.
We don’t buy papers during the week as all we did was moan about all the bad news in them!! Like the Saturday paper for the telly mag.
Hope tonight is kinder to you.
EllieAnne, Candy,Nadaturbe,Whiff and Sallyyyy wishing you a peaceful night.

Thank you for the messages. I’m sorry I’m not able to post anything interesting at the moment. I’m still at the stage of being terrified that I’ll never feel ok again and I’m so annoyed at myself that I’ve let this happen to myself again.
I’m not sure if I mentioned but I’m off work at the moment and just can’t see that I could do my job again (it’s a very busy job that I normally really enjoy.)

Evening all. Didn’t get on at all yesterday. Thank you all so much for your condolences. My MiL seemed calmer yesterday. Obviously grieving, but calmer so I hope this continues for her. I’m so tired all the time. Looking after DGS on Wednesdays and Thursdays takes its toll. He sleeps over and although he’s a good sleeper, it’s tiring just doing the day to day things for him, making lunches, taking him to his activities etc. not much help from DH either these past few days as he’s been so busy at work and is struggling physically- he does a manual job and gets very tired too. Anyway, just realised that I sound like a right moaner 🙄 others have far more problems I know.
Sweetpeasue I’m sorry you were triggered at your reading group. It must have been difficult to sit there listening to all that. Sorry too you are still having bowel pain but I hope it’s easier now. I’m another one who thinks you have made the right decision about the procedure. If it’s not going to help much then why put yourself through it or risk it getting worse? I hope your evening has been ok.
HVDY Happy new haircut! I need mine done badly, colour too. Much get around to it. Sounds like you had a good time at the day centre. I know what you mean about those type of singers 🤦‍♀️ I loved Paul O’Grady and was genuinely saddened by his loss. I love animals too and he was such a big softie with dogs. A lady I know from my village grew up with him and sort of kept in touch. She was telling me quite recently how lovely he still was. I haven’t seen her since he passed but I expect she will be very sad. It’s good that you’re not having too many side effects from the steroids. I hope they are helping.
Doodle I hope your DH’s colonoscopy has gone well and he is able to get the help he needs very soon. You could both do with a break.
Scaredycat I’m sorry about your AF and I hope you can accept and make adjustments to help you. I’m sure the AD’s will help, but they take time. From my experience, they do help you reach a certain level so that coping is easier and anxiety is eased but don’t make you numb. Finding the right one and getting the dose right is important but your GP should help with this.
Ellie Anne I’m glad you got your iPad back. I hope your daughter is ok.
Wyllow I hope you get the results from your MRI soon and you get the alien removed asap. The flat sounds promising too! Sorry you had a difficult session with your psychologist and a subsequent bad night - triggered by the session I would think? good you pushed yourself to go the gym though. I hope it had the desired effect. It does for me. I know when I have felt really bad and have had to virtually drag myself there, I’m always glad I did. I love Vera - my favourite police drama.
Sallyyyy welcome. I’m sorry you are struggling. I was on a tricyclic AD for many years. It worked well for me initially but then stopped working, probably because I had been on it for too long. I went up to the maximum dose but I still didn’t feel better. I was absolutely petrified of coming off it altogether in case it made me worse and I was also really scared to take the SSRI type because of the side effects. However, last September I took the leap and I’m glad I did. I came off the old one slowly and started the new one very slowly. Im not quite where I’d like to be yet but I’ve booked a review with my gp next week to discuss this. I notice you’ve started to increase yours and this will probably work for you but unfortunately, as with all meds, it takes time. You probably won’t need to start new meds, but I just wanted you to know that it can be ok. You WILL get there. Hang on in there. I’ve got emergency diazepam too. I’ve only taken them when I really needed to and you have to be cautious, but they can help when things are bad. It’s good to have you here and we all help each other, so you’re not alone. I hope your day has been ok.

Off to bed now. Late for me. Never used to be but now I struggle to stay up after 10! Going to try and do something for me tomorrow. Gym and swim in the morning after the school run then DH and I are going for a meal at our friends house tomorrow evening. Hope I can stay awake 😂 night all. Hope you all have a restful one and special ❤️ To all those not personally mentioned xx

Wyllow Thankyou for believing my story. I'm.not undermining the NHS. It is all we have for everyone regardless of wealth. I only say that, when things go wrong, it's astounding , to realise thats Drs will close ranks.

I've spoken to my docsis about this Sweetpeasue and she agrees some docs do this tho not as much. she has made mistakes, but never surgical as not on that side, but come clean straightaway. and honest apology went a long way apparently.

Cindy no wonder you are tired - you are grieving yourself and have MiL and childcare. Please take care of you now.

sallyyyy its natural in your situation to feel, "I can never do it again". Can't offer advice except to say you are not alone and ...try not to anticipate too much, concentrate on the now.

Of course after a good day yesterday I had a really shit night and extra meds. Grrr it seems that my sub -couscious is often set in wrecking mode -in a way I've learnt to try to do a mixture of listening to it (as in warning alert don't do too much too quickly) and picking myself out of it in the morning. sometimes it works. I've a treat facial this morning, better get going. Sun has gone sadly.

Sallyyyy Please don't be annoyed at yourself. You need to be kind to yourself right now. I hope you start to notice a difference soon and the new doseage will help.
Candy You are working and are called upon by family in so many ways right now. I hope things will settle down a bit soon. Its no wonder you are feeling tired. Take care of yourself too and have a nice time with your friend tomorrow night.

I'm all over the place today. Ive mentioned many times about my problems with decision making. Bladder extra-painful last night and though usually eases during morning it's still giving me gip. Hope I'm making right decision. But op might make things worse??

Wyllow Isnt that just the way - just as you feel a bit of progress you get knocked back. Sorry about your rotten night too. Hope you feel a little more refreshed after your facial.

Wishing you all a decent day.

Candy Hope you enjoyed your swim and that you have a nice time with your friends tonight.
SweetpeaSue Yes, they do close ranks (I found that, too). I hope your bladder pain has eased off this morning.
Wyllow Sorry about your bad night. Hope you enjoy your facial today.

Where's this so-called heatwave? It's grey and wet here. I'm going to aqua aerobics later, then Son2 is going to make a curry tonight. Son1 might join us for dinner - he's going through a low period - stressed about money, eldest girl and living alone. Nothing I can do to help with any of that (it's just life, eh), but be there to listen, if he wants to talk. Hope all BDers manage to have a good day x

Thank you Candy which tricyclic did you take and which new one did you move onto?
Thank you for welcome everyone.

In such confusion and worry.
Tried ignoring bladder pain and went out this morning. Had to rush back as pain became so severe, it was terrible. Took strong painkiller and rang surgery.
Surgery good and GP called me and prescribed antibiotics and DH took in urine sample to be sent to lab. Pain wildly fluctuating but so bad, cant understand.

Someone here, I think, mentioned Urine analysis sticks so have had some in to try and help me assess when/if to bother GP in case of infection.
This morning urine clear and eberything tested fine, which seemed strange with such bad pain so thought it must be Bladder Pain Syndrome.
When I came back and pain severe the urine v cloudy and tested high in leukocytes so thought probably UTI.
Drank lots of water and by the time sample taken for surgery no leukocytes shown on strip and urine clear so dont think anything will show on lab result.
I'm just so tired of it all and I feel beyond thinking clearly.
I know you are all having problems here so sorry for having a moan but just needed post. I do hope your day has been too bad everyone.

So sorry for error. Obvs meant to say 'not too bad everyone'.

HVDY you are good. I love beef stew and I think the dumplings may have been a temptation too much for me.
Ooh DHs favorites are the Rolling Stones. We have been to see them several times and been deafened in the process 🤣
I enjoyed for the Love of Dogs too. Am watching them over again now, such a lovely man.
Never a break from the worry of being a mum is there. Sorry your son is feeling a bit down. Is your DGD ok?
Sweetpeasue glad you had the chance of a beach walk. The hospital buggy is great for getting around but is more of a thrill ride. The driver always says I won’t go fast then speeds down the corridors at an alarming rate with people flattening themselves against the wall so he can get past. I feel like royalty when we’re on the back 😊
I think you could be wise about that procedure. I haven’t heard of it before but it could be a bit risky.
Sorry about the pain today. So frustrating never knowing if it’s safe to go out or not. I hope it’s eased off now. Good idea about getting your own testing strips.
Wyllow it’s good the flats seem suitable, I agree with you about the sun. It makes all the difference. We are lucky out flat has sun from early morning to late evening if it’s out.
Colonoscopy was yesterday and all went well, all clear which is a relief. Still more scans and checks to come though.
Sorry you didn’t have a good night. Do you think you are getting anxious at the thought of moving? It certainly is an upheaval but if it’s the right property I’m sure it will be worth it.
Candy it is hard work looking after GC even if we love them it’s still a lot to take on. Your DH sounds like he has a hard job too. You both sound tired. Am emotional time too with the loss of your FIL and so much to sort out. I think it was tonight you were going for a meal. Hope you enjoyed it and have a chance of a bit of rest over the weekend.
Sallyyyy you don’t have to post anything interesting. This isn’t a chat thread like that. You don’t have to put on a front. If you don’t feel great it’s ok to say so.
We all get times when we cant see a way out of the woods. When we think we will be stuck like this forever. Things do change as time goes on. How are you coping not working? Are your bosses putting pressure on you to return?
Scaredycat it was nice to spend time with friends in here while I was waiting in the hospital. Gave me something to think about instead of worrying. As it is, the results were fine which was comforting to us both. Still don’t know what the cause of DHs anaemia is but more tests to come plus results of the scan taken Monday. Have you any plans for the weekend?
Hope the weather is better so we can go out.

SweetpeaSue I don't know much about those urine strips but wonder how effective/reliable they are? I'm sorry you keep having this trouble and pain.

Doodle Good news that nothing untoward showed up on the colonoscopy, but hopefully the other tests will determine the cause of your husband's anaemia. I hope you both managed to have a decent weekend. Son2 decided not to come for dinner. He says he's keeping busy at home. He's had depression for several years, and as we all know, it can strike again. I know he's struggling for money, and we have helped him for the past couple of months, but we're not in a position to keep doing that now. His eldest girl keeps getting into trouble a school (the school isn't the best, she gets bored and is led by others to misbehave). It's all life, and we've all been there, I'm sure.

I'm off to bed, early - it's been taking me hours to get to sleep ths week, then I wake at 5.30, unable to get to sleep because of HIS snoring (son2 will be moving out properly very soon). Just started with a nosebleed! Hope all BDers have a restful night. x

I've read your days xx catch up tomorrow.
but today has been grim life not worth living great agitation like things crawling over me tensions agitation and feeling helpless. Yes a reaction to several current situations, I think I'll try to have tomorrow as a "hiding" day. Probably should have broken the cycle tonight with more extra meds but I try to limit them. Sigh, Mental Health is a bummer.

Just lost my message. As I tapped post, twitter sign came up instead and that was it.
Doodle So pleased the colonoscopy is clear. Do hope you have a restful weekend without the hospital visits and your nights too.
HVDY Hope your night isnt disturbed too much. Wonder why these nose bleeds keep happening. Hope it stops soon for you.

Wishing all a peaceful night.

Good evening, just a quick visit.
It's good the colonoscopy was clear Doodle but I hope the further tests are helpful in finding a cause and helping your dear husband.
You made me laugh about the hospital buggy.
So sorry about your continuing pain Sweetpeasue. It's such a nightmare to live with.
Wyllow3 I wouldnt worry too much about the house. In my experience people always want to change things when they buy. I do think it will be good for you to move near your son.
I have missed art classes recently and concentrated on pacing myself more, and 5mg amitriptyline most nights to help sleep/pain.. It seems to be paying off. I feel less stressed. My head is becoming clearer and I am not having to spend large amounts of time in bed. Fingers crossed it continues.

Wishing you and Candy Whiff Scaredycat EllieAnne HVDY Sally and all BDs a peaceful night.
Still remembering you in my prayers.

Just a quick one -
Wyllow Take care of yourself, hope today will be better for you.

Weighed myself. Another 5lb off, so 11lbs in 13 days. So happy. Off to son's new house, DH is plumbing in the washer, and I'm going to faff about there . x