Black Dog 17

Useful thoughts there Whiff I can do stock ups online it doesn't need to be a hassle every week. do bits and bobs of fresh stuff locally - bit more expensive but over all a good wheeeze.

I will consider the heat pad - Hot water bottles help as does icing. And when I lie down I have a lovely electric blanket under me. But a good strong heat pad may remedy it a lot sooner. (oh yes, that bum nerve...)

I was surprised today - although the back pain was acute yesterday, it had settled today enough. ie recovery time is shorter. In fact I took it easy at the supermarket, had a coffee, bought a pretty cardi for the break coming up - I must have been on my feet for an hour.

What I have to overcome is the fear that if I go out and about far from my car as in nice walks it will get me then.

Mind OK so far so far so good.

EllieAnne I have a sort of plan for when I move and not able to go to the gym. I want to live near enough a nice cafe and the idea is to turn up at more or less the same time of day (with newspaper to hide behind) and get known as a "regular". Just passing the time of day can help sometimes.

thinking of you all but hoping Sweetpeasue you managed to get a GP today. I agree abut the pain clinic - whatever else is going on, that seems to me to be a priority. If somehow the fear could be reduced even slightly.

Wyllow3 Setting up an online shop for the 1st time can be a bit of a faff, but worth it. I've had Asda deliveries for about 6 years now, and pay £6.50 a month. So long as orders are £40 minimum, you get as many deliveries as you like in that month. I love the convenience of it all - they bring it to the bag door, and I put it straight into the cupboards. I think we on BD all know the "putting on a front" - it becomes tiresome, doesn't it?

EllieAnne What about a walking group? There are some where I live (not that I go, I don't like group activities though). I hope you've managed to get out today. At least the weather is good.

Ho has everyone been? I met my SIL, went for coffee then had a mooch in shops, then pub lunch - she somehow got locked in the toilet and couldn't get out so I had to summon help and she was free 10 minutes later. We had more coffee and another mooch, then she got the bus home. Just got in. x

I have to admit I did not phone Drs surgery at 8. Phoned Mon and Dr was on sick so wasnt sure if he'd be back. When bladder pain started this morn just took glug out of bottle which sent me into state of painless calm and just stayed in bed. Difficult to describe my feelings when I get pain like yesterday after 2 good days. I dare to think 'yes, Im going to be ok. It' s all gone away, look I'm fineI'm normal'. Then I get unexplainable bowel and bladder pain and can't believe I'm thrown back to something Drs seem not to understand. Only thing I understand is it all stems from thatop.
Jad to hang up through dialling Drs yesterday running to loo. DH got me hot water bottle and med. I was trembling so much I missed the teaspoon and the sticky stuff went everywhere. I was sobbing and just threw the hot water bottle over the room. (It helps tum but still getting hot flushes and then shivering cos stopped HRT).
I'm not a nice person. I barely recognise myself lately. I use swear words Ive not allowed at home by sons. I dont know what I'm turning into.
I just dont want to mislead anyone to think I'm nice because I'm not!

So later today put face on and went and browsed in charity shops, had coffee and no pain. But I feel like Jekyll and Hyde. I really dont feel right*inside*. I feel on edge of irritability. So much is happening in my head. Thoughts are racing through about all sorts.
Sorry this is all about me. I'll come back. Just needed to talk.

Whiff That heat pad you suggested for Wyllow sounds good. I'll take a look later.
GP referred me to pain clinic last Nov. She wrote expedite letter to them a few mths ago but Ive heard nothing.
I know you suffer so much pain Whiff
I shouldn't complain. I just gst frightened when I don't know what's happened to me.
Wyllow I'm glad the back pain has let up again a little so you could get out. Fully see your point about fearing the unpredictability about when it could give. It's such a flamin nuisance.
Love your 'plan' of cafe n newspaper regular.
Called surgery and the GP who was sick is back in tomorrow, though off rest of week. The other GP Ive seen on hol. Will ring tomorrow.
HVDY I tried supermarket home delivery during covid and once I got the hang of it its was great. Just a shame about the £40 spend for free deliv but it works if you can get a few unperishables to stock up.
Youve had a nice time with SIL. Thank goodness you were there when she got stuck in loo. Something to laugh about over another coffee.

Wyllow- Your sister sounds like a great support for you- kind and empathetic. It will do you so much good to spend time with her.
Glad you,ve decided to open an online account for groceries etc. I did it in lockdown and have continued it since. I,m so grateful for it - who wants to lug about potatoes,milk ,cleaning stuff etc. mine is like HVDY- a set amount each month with as many deliveries as we want (minimum order £40).
So good your back felt good enough to get out and do some shopping- you are conquering your fears about problems while being out as well- that makes two of us! We can deal with it!!
Lovely to hear your positive ideas for the future- you are a brave lady.
Candy- I,m sorry you are having family worries- hope the situation resolves very soon.
Glad you have your Blood Test organised- in the mean time rest when you can - you have such busy days.
HVDY- Ah Foxy is getting afters now! I had a dog who loved apples - he used to hold them between his paws to eat them.
You’re poor SiL getting stuck in the loo. I,ve always been nervous of that happening and no one being there- bet she was glad to get out.
Soon be Thursday and seeing your new DGD - time for cuddles.
EllieAnne-/do you have a U3A near you? Ours has several walking groups of differing abilities and lots of other interesting groups.
SweetPeaSue- don’t be so hard on yourself- of course you are a nice person but sometimes only certain words will do when you,ve had enough. They do for me anyway!!
You had 2/good days and then bit of a setback which immediately threw you into despair and your mind went into overdrive BUT you didn’t sit and mope you went out and did something you enjoy- I think that takes courage.
Be kind to yourself.

This morning I walked to the chemist for our monthly prescriptions - they are so busy. For once mine was all ok but I didn’t notice they’d given DH somebody else’s meds😩 same name but wrong address. Of course he noticed straight away when he got home- so we had to go back again. This time in the car as it’s quite a way. That,ll teach me but at least the queue wasn’t too bad second time.
Doodle - hope you,ve had a couple of good days and some warmer weather.
Sending love to all

Your chemist sounds like mine Scaredycat can be 12 people ahead of you! Curses on return. Yes, about if I did that long, on my legs today then...

Sweetpeasue none of that makes you a bad person. It sounds like you express, a very desperate, anxious, and frightened one. Particularly because of unpredictability, which is something several of us have alluded to.

Believe it or not, you can be a caring person you are here and do all those things. It's that horrible self-hater getting into your head.
Has it made you blame those close to you? NO.
Malicious?
NO.
Your anger is directed in the direction where it belongs.

I'm going to harp on a bit about you getting something for the anxiety again as it won't stop the pain but it could reduce some of that awful FEAR. Maybe reassure DH, I can't know that.
You know I take quite a few MH meds - it's helpful.

Past experiences in that field may have made you wary.

(I recall all too well how terrified I was to first see a psychiatrist, like they might take over or something. It didnt happen, including with the ones that weren't as good as they are these days, these days it's getting to see one that is the problem).

But anyway, the kind of meds to help anxiety can be GP dispensed. Cross fingers you get through tomorrow. Also, you described above the "Break" you gave yourself, and thats what the doctor said when she suggested a 2 day break on painkillers?

Although decorator not coming till next week, tomorrow my cleaner comes to help me sort out stuff to have as clear rooms as possible upstairs and lighten the weigh by removing most clothes. So I have to pull out anything I might need to take. Probably give up the idea of much else before I go. Can I shed some socks? we'll see.

SweetpeaSue You're far too hard on yourself. Of course you're a nice person. As for swearing - it's just words. We, as a family, all swear - in our 4 walls, never outside, and never in front of any children, but we're all good people. You've been wronged and are frustrated, angry, hurt, and in pain a lot of the time. I agree with Wyllow, that some ADs or something would possibly help you - they wouldn't get rid of anything but would help with your anxiety.

ScaredyCat It's a good job your DH noticed the wrong meds. Is it very far to walk to the chemist? Ours is about 1 1/2 miles away, but I'd probably struggle to walk that (and I'd need to sit somewhere in between twice). I didn't know that dogs like apples . Our neighbour across the road will look after the fox next week when we go away for a few days . Can't have him going hungry. Son is bringing baby round here at 9am on Thursday then taking his car for an M.O.T. We'll go out in our car for a pub lunch, and DIL is going to meet us there .

Wyllow3 It's good that your cleaner is going to help you to sort through stuff in readiness for your decorator. Have you got a lot of socks? . I've got lots and yet hardly ever wear them.

Son rang earlier, said they'd registered baby today, and that she's put on a bit of weight (I thought they usually lose a bit to begin with but perhaps she's just enjoying her bottles). Hope all BDers have a restful night x

Sweetpeasue please don't compare our pain. I have been in pain as long as I can remember. I am 65. My body tolerates it but it flares but I am used to it.

Your pain is relentless like a lot of you are suffering .You can have good days ,bad days and down right awful days.

Because my pain is with me everyday. The only time I am pain free is when I am asleep. I wouldn't know who I was if I wasn't in pain. Also I would be very worried if it suddenly disappeared.

The pain you and others describe I don't know how you cope. Internal pain is far worse than limb pain. Add any head pain it's a wonder you can move at all.

Physical pain can effect your mental health and mental health can effect physical pain. You are all caught in a vicious circle with no end in sight. But like I have said before because you freely talk about what you are all going through helps eachother and untold numbers who read but don't feel they can post.

Because you can talk about your problems it makes you stronger you may not think it but I can see it in all your posts . You are a group of very strong brave woman. And I never say what I don't mean as my memory is crap at times thats why I never lie.
🏋️

EllieAnne Sorry youre feeling so low about the summer holiday stopping your usual activities. I thought youd be needed more for looking after GDs- I might have missed something That Aldi wheel is such a nuisance. My phone is Huawei and a mob phone tech man erased my chrome browser history by clicking on the 3 dots at top right corner, clicking on history then click clear. Not sure if that will help. I was getting the wheel every 30 seconds. Had nothing for a few dys, though it did make 1 appearance today.
Scaredycat I guess I don't want to be a fraud. I wish Id picked a different username actually-🤔. Everyone is so kind. But yesterday I was really awful. Its all been such a strain on DH too.
Oh we've had mix ups with meds at chemist too. Thank goodness you didnt have a long queue when you returned. It often takes ages. Aw, my son's lab used to like apples. Dont think they ever touched his paws though!
Wyllow Thankyou Wyllow. The self-hater is always there. If I'd been more like my mum Id have called Drs out when had reasonable suspicions not been told everything but kept quiet until I had proof. I'm not this, not that.
Past stuff has made me wary. DH voiced concerns about Drs wanting to give ECT while inpatient. Another Dr a little afterwards wanted me to take Lithium and I didn't.
Think you're right about something for anxiety. Wonder if he would give me a small amount of Diazapam that I used carefully at certain times when given some last year. I'll ask.
Hope you manage to sleep well tonight if you are having a bit of a clear out tomorrow.
Thanks Wyllow. You're spot on about the fear.
HVDY Oh you must be so looking forward to seeing baby on Thursday.
It will be lovely for you to meet DIL aftetwards for lunch together. Baby must be doing well if she's put on a little weight.
Please dont think I dont think people are nice people who use certain swear words. Brought up in v working class fam and heard lots of swear words daily but never heard them use the F word but they were different times back then. Far more familiar use now.
Hope your legs wont hurt tonight. Cant have long left now on the steroids.

Wishing all a peaceful night. x

Oh Whiff. Just seen your post. I cant write too much more but you are kind to us all. I would hope you'd feel very relieved if your pain disappeared - but understand.
Your strong man at end of post made me really smile!

SweetpeaSue No, I don't think you meant that people who swear aren't decent. You seemed to berate yourself for swearing recently. My parents never said anything more than "bloody" or "bugger" but that was when I was a teenager, never before then. My GDs hear a lot of bad language from their mother but have not once ever heard any of us swear. I Yes, I'm excited about seeing baby again. DIL had got a hospital appointment about her eye, so will be there for a couple of hours before joining us. I take my last steroid tablet this Sunday (it's been a waste of 13 weeks but hey ho).

Foxy just came for his dog food and 5 chicken legs . Off to bed now, so night all x

I don’t look after gds in the holidays because d in l is off.
Thank you for all your kind suggestions. I have and am still looking into walking groups . So far the starting point is too far away or the walks are too long or too hilly.I’m just not fit enough. I will keep checking them out. Though at the moment I can barely cope with people I know never mind strangers.
Hope you all manage to sleep well.

Evening all. Thank you so much for your kind words about my family member and for understanding. It means a lot. I love this loving, little community and find it so reassuring.
HVDY surprising you have times where you feel fed up. You always come across as being upbeat and cheerful but realise it can be an act and like you say, very wearing. Nice you’re seeing new grandchild on Thursday. Something to look forward to. Lovely to have the visit from the fox too. I’ll bet he enjoys his treats. Glad you had a nice time with your SIL and something nice to eat. Pity about the toilet incident.
Wyllow hope your back is better and good you got out to supermarket. An online shop sounds ideal. Your cafe plan sounds good too. Glad your cleaner is helping you to sort out. I’ve been doing a bit of that too. It’s taken me a long time due to time restrictions but I find it very cathartic.
Ellie Anne sorry your activities are suspended in the summer. I used to hate that, especially when the children were small as it was my way of meeting others, hopefully we’ll have some nice weather so you can walk more.
Sweetpeasue YOU ARE A NICE PERSON. You really are. You’re just under so much pressure and you’re bound to break from time to time, it’s only natural. I’m glad you got out today. Hope you’re pain free this evening.
Scaredycat glad you got the meds sorted. I picked up my prescription from docs last week. It’s a bit of a distance from me. Then travelled to a chemist in town only to be told it wasn’t really a prescription it was “a token” and not to be used as a prescription so it couldn’t be dispensed. Not sure what that means only that it means another trip for me back to docs tomorrow 😡.
Whiff I can’t imagine what it’s like being in pain all the time. You have so much to put up with and cope so well. I’m glad you get some respite when you sleep at least. My family member who was very poorly at the weekend was given morphine (a lot of it). He says the relief when it kicked in was enormous. Not a long term solution though I know.
Time for me to go to bed now. Can hardly keep my eyes open. Have an early delivery tomorrow morning (7 am) well it’s between 7 and 12 noon so I’ll bet I get up and 7 and it will arrive at 12!. Hope everone is as well as can be expected and have a restful night ❤️. Thinking of all those not personally mentioned too xx

Candy when I had a total hysterectomy when I was 38 on a morphine drip for 24 hours .. Took the pain away from my wound but did nothing for my limb pain.

I am used to the pain it's part of me .. It flares but goes back to level I tolerate after a few days. But I don't let it stop me living my life. I have met people far worse off then me. The pain described here is worse than mine. I have been in pain since childhood. Without it would I be me 🤷. Like I said if it suddenly vanished then I would be very worried as I would think I was about to die.

My pain has made me fight to do things I want and my husband always knew from the start of our courtship about the pain. But he didn't care he wanted me. Pain is just part of the HPX it's in my DNA . It's made me inventive to find ways to do things.

All of you have had to find ways to do what you want but your way. Like I said you are all stronger than you think. You have all faced and will face in the future whatever life throws at you . But not one of you have given up fighting for the life you want. You don't see it but I do. It comes across in your posts . None of you hide what has happened in your life and that shows courage . Never put yourselves down and none of you come across as pity me woman . You fight for yourself and your loved ones.

Those who are fighting health problems caused by doctors it's a terrible situation to be in. If they would only admit mistakes where made them it would make you feel a bit but of course they close ranks. They should be made accountable in any other profession they would be. But we put our faith and lives in their hands and just have to hope for the best .

Anyway as usual never know how to end my ramble but keep fighting you are all winners 🏆.

How's everyone's day going? I had a text from the GP surgery, asking me to ring them as there was a message from a doctor - I eventually got through and was told my medications can't be prescribed (I ordered them last Thursday). Odd - I collected it all from the chemist yesterday! Then I was again asked to take in some BP readings. I've told them several times that steroids cause a rise in BP so I'll do readings when the steroids finish. One doesn't seem to know what another is doing there Rant over.....

Hi all.
Wyllow- I expect you are busy right now having a big sort out.- your cleaner sounds like a wonderful help. You can get rid of all the single socks that manage to lose their partners- where do they go?
You are right about the anxiety meds - it is the FEAR that seems to be lessened.It doesn’t change who you are but just helps you deal with it better.
HVDY- it’s just under a mile to the chemist which used to be nothing but like you said I have to sit down a couple of times on the way.
You are so sweet to have fixed up a baby sitter for your fox friend - what nice neighbours you have.
Your new GD must be a very contented baby to have put on weight already.
It’s not reassuring when the surgery or chemist get prescriptions wrong is it. My DH has had one of his meds the same strength for at least 15 years but still yesterday when they eventually found his that one was wrong😩
Have a wonderful day tomorrow and hope yourDiL eye will be ok.
EllieAnne- just thought - our Surgery runs weekly walks of various lengths - maybe yours does.
Can you take your GDs out by yourself in the holidays?
Candy- hope your relative is feeling stronger today- hopefully the morphine helped him rest more comfortably.
Hope the delivery man wasn’t too early but it’s Sod’s Law if you get up he,ll arrive at 12 and if you stay in he,ll be there at the crack of dawn. Think it’s in their rules!!! Hope you had a good sleep last night.
Whiff- you have the most incredible attitude to your pain- such an inspiration. Your DH gave you such strength.
SweetPeaSue- you are not a fraud- your user name is lovely- just like you are. Even Sweetpeas can get cross sometimes.
I really do feel that GP prescribed ADs would help you- I,ve taken mine for about 12 weeks now and they have made a difference. I take one a day though - not as and when. I ,m not sure Diazepam would be what you need.
Hope you are having a better day today.
Doodle- hope you are both ok.
Love to all

ScaredyCat Thanks. I'm very lucky to have such a close family. I'm looking forward to seeing baby tomorrow, and have bought a few more little outfits for when she's a little bit bigger (that won't be long, at the rate she's growing). You're right to take the ADs every day - that's exactly how they should be taken. I've been on mine for years.

Candy6 I hope your family member is getting on alright.

Wyllow, SweetpeaSue, EllieAnne, Whiff, Doodle, Allsorts and others - hope you're ll ok today. It's really cool here today. Just off to get my mop chopped (I went last week - a week early ). x

Started to reply to everyone but just so tired so sorry if I miss anyone out.
Thankyou Whiff and Candy for your kind and supportive words.
Scaredycat Such nice posts to everyone. I may well need ADs but I really dont want to start more drugs if poss. When GP looked at last time I was given v low dose Diazapam was nearly a yr ago so has given me 24 more today, just to take at certain extreme times of anxiousness. Not a long term solution, I realise. So much going on in my head. You are kind. Hope your day has been ok too.
HVDY Drs surgeries are so frantic aren't they? Only makes sense for you to do the BP readings after youve come off steroids for a true reading. Hope you like your new hair cut.

When GP called he said he could 'fit me in' for 10 min appt at 9. Had bowel pain(usually worst 1st thing) though agreed, all the time thinking how I can say everything in 10 mins. He's young but so nice. I was shaking in tears when I tried to get everything out. The terrible thing is I know there's nothing GPs can do. The 1 thing that surely they can do is to reassure you they care and know what's going on. He'd no idea Id been discharged from Gynaecologist. When I said I'd need some advice about HRT because of Adenomyosis he said it was dangerous starting at my age but changed his mind quickly when he read Gynaecologist letter and said he'd prescribe the ultra low dose patch that he'd recommended. Thing is that was before scan picked up Adenomyosis though Gynaecologist hadnt withdrawn HRT plan in discharde letter so now have patches and Diazapam. Plus he could see how upset I was(DH told him about my pain and deteriation of MH). I was just sobbing saying 'they lied-its always there and the pain doesn't let me forget it'. Told him new assessment needed for more counselling and he said he could do urgent referral to access /NHS MH. So he's done that but now I still have the assessment appt next week with the other place. Foot in both camps so not sure to do. 25 mins in with GP and he was v kind. Had pain, went out to cafe thinking would go.Had to come back and take painkillers and lie with hot water bottle. Been there all day but much lower level now.
So v depressed but maybe I need this further MH route. Maybe Trauma counselling.?I just cant think straight. Feel my life not worth living like this.
Hope you're alright Wyllow and you managed today.
Take care everyone.

Sweetpeasue sending a big hug xx

Nadateturbe Sending you one back too., thankyou. Hope youre coping today. x

Thank you. Big achievement today. Got to next village to listen to my husbands little group play for half an hour, and 20 min walk. In bed now.
Wyllow3, Whiff, Doodle, Candy, EllieAnne, HVDY, Scaredycat, Allsorts, and anyone else who needs it, reading and thinking of you all.

Evening all, hope you’ve all had a reasonable day. Still a bit worried about my family member but I think he’s doing ok and hope he continues to do so.
Ellie-Anne I missed your post yesterday. Sorry your routine is changing in the school holidays. I don’t know about you, but I like routine and get very unsettled if it changes. It’s the anxiety. Finding a walking group, or other activity would be good for you. My daughter has just joined one of those smaller gyms that do a short 30 min. circuit with machines. You can make it as hard or easy as you want. Thing is, they tend to be friendlier than the bigger gyms because they’re so small. I used to belong to one until it closed and they’re used by many older people too. Maybe something else for you to consider if there’s one close to you? I hope you get something sorted.
Whiff you are so strong and determined. I’m glad you live your life to the full. Very inspirational.
HVDY what a mess up at the Surgery. So frustrating at times. Mine used to be good but not so much anymore. Glad you finish those awful steroids soon. Hope your lovely fox has visited this evening and I hope you enjoy your visit to your new granddaughter tomorrow.I’m sure you will.
Scaredycat delivery man was here at 7 am so at least it was over and done with and I had the rest of the day free. I’m glad your ADs are helping. Mine definitely do. They just help me cope with things better. I used to get these awful mood dips too which I don’t get anymore. Still have lows but I’m definitely better than I was. I hope you continue to improve.
Sweetpeasue I’m glad your new GP is nice, it helps. I hope he is able to help you. Trauma counselling sounds like a good idea. I’ve had it and it does help. Diazepam is good for occasional use too and you obviously know about the risks and are able to use them sensibly. I’m the same. For me though, the turning point has definitely been the AD’s but of course, everyone is different and it’s entirely your decision. I hope your pain hasn’t been too bad today.

Nadaterturbe glad you had a little outing. Must have done you the world of good. Enjoy your rest.
Wyllow thinking of you and hope you’re ok.

Hope Doodle and all other BD’s are ok too. Night night all xx

I'm OK just totally knocked out by today.still got stuff to do. x

I've read you all and will be in tomorrow. I've noted some good achievements, the GP mix ups, and needless to say glad to hear of relevant referrals.

Night night all. If I dont get in before you leave to see new baby HVDY hope it goes well.

Hvdy have a lovely day today.
Candy I know the sort of gym you mean. There used to be one here and I went for a while but it closed in Covid and didn’t reopen.
I did a longish walk yesterday and can feel it today but it was good.
Today I might drive to next town where there is a smyths toy shop and get a present for gs (3 in a few weeks)
Our surgery doesn’t run any groups as far as I know.

nadateturbe Glad you managed to get out and see your husband's group play. What does he play? Sorry if you've said before, my memory is terrible.

SweetpeaSue You perhaps ought to enquire about ADs or something. Of course, your problems are very real, but ADs might help you to sleep, at least.

Wyllow3 Koko, as you say.

EllieAnne Hope your day goes well.

Son is coming here with baby, for the day - his car is having the MOT at the garage down the road from us, so he'll be here at 9am! Got to get my face on yet , then DIL will meet us wherever we go for lunch. DH is still in bed, snoring, so I'm going to wake him now. Hope all BDers manage to have decent day x