Should I feel so exhausted?

Ellypat I think your physical exhaustion is related to your mental health.
You are taking on quite a responsibility with two children, it seems you total care for about 3-4 hours a day in the home plus the pick ups.
I am a preschool teacher who is semi retired, I work with four other adults in the room and my day is non stop. Lunchbreak is an hour but it flies.
I find now that each day I work takes at least another day to recover, and I'm in good health and live alone so I can switch off.
Mentally and physically children are exhausting simply because you can't switch off.
The Sundays definitely need to stop, and on Saturdays if you have the energy take yourself off somewhere (movies, shopping) to get out of the house and take a break from the family to refresh.
I agree with the other posters re the financial arrangement, you should only be paying 1/3rd maximum and I assume they'll get the house eventually anyway?
Time to put yourself first, get the doctor onside too and have some quality me time...you deserve it!
Good luck X

We all know why you are exhausted!

"The conversation " needs having but I'd include your son-in-law who may be an ally -after all he is the only one who respects your space.

Before the conversation take a look at what you have agreed to do and what you feel obliged to do and what you actually do.

There are lots of jobs in a house - are you trying to "run" it? How much "family" stuff are you responsible for?

Things to look at that I don't think you have already mentioned:
Shopping, cooking, clearing the table, loading/unloading dishwasher, collecting laundry from round the house, sorting, washing, pegging out, ironing, cleaning - hoovering, windows, dusting, tidying up after children, bins and recycling, homework supervision, bathtime, sorting out activities (music books/gym wear/ballet gear or whatever... responsibility in itself is wearing.

You say:
I bought this house with my DD and SIL, and pay half the mortgage, taxes, utilities etc.
If you are doing all this and living in a fraction of the property then it sounds to me as though they should be able to finance a gardener (for example). Otherwise the mortgage wouldn't have been approved.

I don't know about your income but if I had surplus income I would pay for a gardener. Or - if usually you like gardening I'd get a cleaner or pay for after-school clubs.

Something has to give as you have no "mental down time".

You will be what "gives" if you don't resolve some of this.

Good luck.


PS. As someone upthread said you need time away from this house.
Take your daughter's advice. Join a gym and go swimming which will make your spirits lift. Find one (like mine) with an older clientele and you will make friends (or at least friendly relationships) with them as I have done.
Mine is attached to a hotel. I see the same people there regularly. The "gym" side is not as big or as modern as the ones a young person would choose. ... just an idea.
You may prefer an arts club or something like knit and natter... anything to get some respite.

You have moved out of area too.
That takes mental adjustment too.

This is only a blog but may have some extra ideas.

I think most of us think this is a type of emotional burnout/exhaustion as you are always "on duty".

www.kendalathome.org/blog/aging-and-fatigue-4-common-causes

It is time your daughter and her husband grew up. They are behaving like a pair of selfish children. Is she your only child? have you always wated on her hand and foot, so that she sees you as a domestic convnience? In which case, that needs to stop - now.

As things stand you helped finance the house, you pay 50% of the bills, even though you are 3 other people in the household, You should only be paying 25%, you are expected to do the gardening and you undertake 20 hours childcare for a 2 and a 5 yeaar old.

Ask your daughter and son-in-law how they would cope if you became ill? Supposing you had a stroke or heart attack, became an invalid so that YOU needed care and tell them that this is the way you are heading if you continue as things are.

Given that you are paying so much of the household expenses, you should not be doing any childcare, on a regular basis, just occasional babysitting.

Lazy! Good grief. Your daughter and SIL take the biscuit. They should be utterly ashamed of themselves. They need to work out their schedules/ finances and deal with their own childcare.

Good luck with your discussion, but it’s not just your daughter you need to talk to.

Personally I find having to get up 'early' 5 days a week very tiring. I'm a year younger than you, and make sure there are empty 'me' days interspersed in my week with no commitments, commitments including my organised hobby activities.
In defence of all our adult children, many seem to think that we have the energy of our 40s, they don't recognise us getting older and more frail.
I suggest you give up either all the to school commitments or the after school. Explain that in order for you to keep your support going longer, you need to cut back in September.
And get a lock on the door.

Crikey! In your place, I'd be exhausted, frazzled and depressed. Do you regret living with them? I know I would - as they seem to reap the rewards and you've become the domestic slave. Things have to change asap as you've obviously taken on far too much.

Your feelings are a warning sign of impending illness. You can't run on empty for much longer - so do something about it and stop being a doormat. You owe it to them - as how would they cope if you needed help?

Sunday afternoons, what? We had zero parental help but just sometimes (usually in the summer and Christmas holidays) we'd have a whole weekend alone together by leaving our kids with a friend. (Another time she'd leave hers with us, too.) Bliss - but every six months or so, a real treat.

Gosh, I am really cross on your behalf! So, your DD and SiL have a childminder who pays half the bills? I think the bit which annoys me the most is your DD and SiL having Sundays off.......from their children which you look after all week

Gosh, you are doing a lot, and it’s not as though you can give the kids back at the end of the day and get time truly to yourself. It looks as though you pay for half of the expenses but only have a suite for yourself while your DD and family have the run of the house. Our offspring often fail to realise we are aging, and what aging actually means. They are probably not being mindfully selfish, just taking everything for granted. Also, as a fellow diabetic, tiredness is often symptom of the disease so be sure to keep your glucose levels in range. Are you putting this at the bottom of the list of priorities too? It’s so easy to forget to monitor when you are so busy with other things. I admire you for all you are doing but you won’t be doing it for much longer if you don’t take a stand now.

As Monica says , this has to stop now! Full stop. Think about what you want. Not what anyone else wants, and speak up loud and clear for yourself. If you can't, then talk to a counsellor about being assertive.
This couple really take the biscuit! They are totally selfish and have no shame.

Well I agree with all the above and want to suggest a way forward.

Find a gardener. The garden should be a place to relax and enjoy not another burden

Tell the DD firmly that you cannot do childcare at weekends.
You need time to charge your batteries and meet other people.

How ever much you love your DGS, and you love them dearly, you do not need to be with them everyday. Moderation in everything.

Write down a diary of your week showing how it is and how it could be improved. Show this to your DC. slave drivers

No wonder you are exhausted 😕

A good start would be to give up the Sunday child minding.
They are being selfish. A frank discussion is needed.
Your tiredness is most likely linked to the child minding.
Just make sure you drink plenty of water. It helps.

Stop!
You are being used and abused.
I’m not even joking, they are actually taking serious advantage of you. How about rereading everything everyone else has said and then saying pretty clearly the same out loud to them.

It sounds to me as if you are feeling exhausted because of depression caused by your feelings of powerlessness. Time to go to see your GP and to start being more assertive about your own needs.. for example the right to have some fun, do activities that you enjoy, make new friends and most of all privacy.. get a lock on your door and make a really lovely reatreat for yourself where you invite visitors if you choose. You are literally being used.. in terms of your time,energy and finances. Time to have a frank discussion...

I looked after my GCs till I was 73 but I could come home and have a quiet weekend to myself to recoup my energy. I stayed with them during the week.
I would suggest you have a full weekend to yourself. Don't babysit on a Sunday to give them a rest!
Also be firm about them coming into your own space uninvited. That is your sanctuary and they have to respect it.
Tell them you need to look after yourself if you are going to be able to carry on looking after the children.
I know I couldn't have managed without my weekends away.

Ellypat

V3ra

I'm supposed to look after the large garden, but I just physically can't and now it's a real mess 😞

This just gets worse.
Who decided your job description?
It's totally unreasonable 😠

Do you have any free time to go out with friends or to any social activities of your own?

I’m the only one who knows anything about gardening, unfortunately! We moved to a new community when we bought this house last year, and I haven’t managed to make any friends here yet.

It sounds as though you don't have time to get out and meet people.

All the posts seem to agree that you are being taken advantage of. If you are brave enough perhaps you could show this thread to your DD and SIL.

Do you have your own front door or is it within the main house?

It does sound a bit like burnout. Do you have anything of your own to look forward to ? I know you probably adore your GCs but they are also your 'work' and it sounds like your day is pretty much scheduled for you and everything is getting on top of you.

Time to have a good think about what would make life better and then talk to your DD. Maybe get someone in to do some gardening so you only have to do the lighter work? Some time out for yourself every day?

www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/1306146-Have-I-made-a-terrible-mistake

So much background

Op
You were warned about this arrangement and how it is not healthy, yet you persevere and here we are

Hithere

www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/1306146-Have-I-made-a-terrible-mistake

So much background

Op
You were warned about this arrangement and how it is not healthy, yet you persevere and here we are

Was waiting for you to pipe up Hithere. You are awfully good at reminding people of their failings

Sadly, the writing was on the wall.

Now, what do you want to do?

Well spotted Hithere
I read back Ellypat and my advice then is the same now.
We.all extracted ourselves from the arrangement and DM leased her flat to strangers who were easier by far to share with.
I was the DD but my DM was the one who moved 500 miles to "help us out"
Put it down to another experience in LRT life's rich tapestry and move back!
Good luck.

I sometimes despair at some posters on GN, and this lady is one.

They recognise that they are about to do something that may not be good for their long (and short) term welfare, which usually, it isn't. Come on GN and demonstrate in their OP just how clearly they understand the situation they are in/headinginto and ask our advice.

We all warn against what the Op plans to do, offer ways out, but they ignore everything we say - and go ahead and do it.

Sooner or later, they are back on GN, saying that they ignored all advice and their own better judgment and went ahead with some arrangement that leaves them now in an even bigger hole, with few accessible resources and requiring far greater mental and psycholigical strength than they failed to to exercise when the problem started.

I would like the think that Ellypat, will read all the advice we give her in her new situation (again), and her own good sense that sees what needs to be done. But whether she will actually do anything I really doubt.

In stead a years time she will post again. She has had a stroke/heart attack/ developed cancer and her daughter and SiL are saying that they cannot afford to look after her and they still need her to look after the children, so can she go and live somewhere else so that they can rent out her flat to pay for the child care.

I wish, I wish, I wish, I could believe that she would take herself firmly by the scruff of the neck and make herself deal with the problem and the next we hear, the children are in child care for 4 days a week, her weekends are child free and she is feeling healthy and well and able to make friends and find new interests. - but i am not holding my breath.