Black Dog 18

It's called Resurrexit nadateturbe. Got a lot of songs on.
Am in bad black hole and getting through the day somehow, nothing seems to "speak" to me. Am aware of the undercurrents but don't want to "go there". hard to write, shame, and of course why me x

Sorry to be so negative its just a lost soul day x

Oh willow I wish I had the words to help you. There is so much going on in your mind and you have your physical problems to cope with too. I hope you can get some rest tonight.
I’ve had an ok day but am worried I may have upset a lovely friend. Just maybe said something I shouldn’t but can’t be helped. Might pop in tomorrow to make sure everything is ok.
Going to another friend tonight,the one with the difficult family so hoping for no dramas. We are getting wind and rain this weekend.

Thank you so much for responding Ellie Anne its helped me cry a bit. You know what it can be like. Dont want to look after myself.

I understand your feelings about your friend. No harm popping round, because although it's fairly unlikely - I cannot imagine you being unkind - reassurance is good. Bests for tonight.

Wyllow we all have why me times it's normal. Especially if you are dealing with physical problems as well as mental health. Our minds always go to worse case scenarios it's only natural. But if you can just think of one good thing it helps can be something silly. The music you have speaks to you so if you listen to it whilst relaxing with your eyes shut and concentrate on the music and words if there are some. Just to give your mind a rest for a while. It might help.

Sorry don't really know if that makes sense.

nadateturbe I have my groceries delivered. I started doing that a few years ago, when I was having horrendously heavy periods (they didn't stop until 4 years ago, when I was 59 1/2). I love it. Been lazy today.

Doodle Hope you and your DH had a lovely lunch. What did you have?

Wyllow3 I'm sorry you're having a low day. I understand the "why me". I've often felt like that but then think I've had things that have happened because I'm a strong person (a lot of people wouldn't have coped). You're a strong person, too, and you will get through it.

EllieAnne I can't imagine you ever offending anyone. See your friend tomorrow, just to reassure yourself that all is well. Hope you have a stress-free evening with your other friend tonight.

Had an Indian takeaway - salmon tikka and lemon rice for me, with a bottle of wine. DH had lamb Jalfrezi with rice, and a couple of beers. Hope ALL BDers have a relaxing evening.

nadateturbe DHs endoscopy was a while ago when he had a series of tests done. You didn’t miss anything recently.
Sounds like you had a bit of a storm last night. Only rain here but dried up during the day and was quite warm.
Lunch was fine thank you. Really nice. I had a lamb pie.
Sweetpeasue good you had a nice time with your DGS yesterday. Lovely to see them growing and doing things year in year. I always remember judging how mine had progressed as to how far up the climbing wall he could get on his own.
Wyllow glad you had a good sleep. You probably relaxed a bit after the stress of waiting for your procedure.
IBS can cause all sorts of problems. Finding out what works for you will take time but at least you know nothing sinister is lurking. Sorry the day didn’t turn out so good. Hope things improve. Perhaps it’s an anticlimax from yesterday.
I think we all have why me times when life gets on top of us. Something happens and we think not this too. It will pass. Take care.
HVDY I had an excellent lamb pie and mash followed by delicious strawberry ice cream. So nice.
Like you we have our groceries delivered. Started in lockdown and then carried on because we found going back to doing it ourselves was exhausting.
Your take away sounds nice.
Ellie Anne I know the panic of wondering if you’ve upset someone. I doubt you have but your mind probably won’t rest until you’ve seen her again. Hope it’s ok.
Hope you have a good evening with your friend and all is well.
Whiff how have you been? You always have such kind words for others.
Scaredycat Candy hope you’re ok too.

Hello dear friends.
Just got back from seeing our friend and my dear sister. We are both very tired but I wanted to say that I have thought of you all during the week and read some of the posts. Seeing my sister was so emotional and we didn’t stop talking for 5 days!!
She is very frail and has many family worries but battles on and remains the sweet natured person she has always been. The illness has certainly taken a massive toll. We are a bit worried about our friend as her short term memory is getting really bad.
I,m exhausted tonight but will be back tomorrow to post properly.
Wishing you all a peaceful night and much love to allxx

Wyllow this is for you

Scaredycat what a lovely trip. After she was so ill you must be so happy to spend time with your sister and have such a good catch up. Nice to have you back with us.

Thank you Doodle.
Yes it was lovelyxx

I'm trying Whiff some days it doesnt reach today. Best wishes for your difficult pain patch.

Nice treats there HVDY.

Yes I need to get round to deliveries Doodle. I'm glad you and MrD got out for the pub lunch.

Best wishes to absent BD's and readers.

Thanks Wyllow3. I'll have a look.
I'm sorry things are so bad for you at the minute. I have never felt that bad, so I have very little experience to offer advice. I do find that concentrating on something stops me thinking. Jigsaws, puzzles, meditation, listening to relaxing music, playing my tin whistle (yes!).
I'm not feeling great, and I get the "Why me" thing right now. I think in the last few weeks I've had maybe one day pain-free, and like you terrible fatigue. I don't think the abysmal weather helps at all. But I'm lucky, I have my husband here, not sure he feels lucky, poor man. Music and lots of TV, and practice being content... But it's not easy. you just hang in there. Having a cry helps sometimes Wyllow3.
Have you thought any more about where you want to be long term?
HVDY I don't know why I stopped doing orders. It's much easier. We have a huge order coming tomorrow! now, if someone would just come and put it all away....😃
Doodle glad you were both able to go out and enjoy lunch.
Whiff your post makes perfect sense. And good advice. I try to do that.
EllieAnne It's awful when you feel you've maybe said something you shouldn't but ususally you're worrying about nothing. you'll probably find everything is fine tomorrow. I do hope there are no dranas tonight at your other friends.
Scaredycat it sounds like you had a really good time with your dear sister. She sounds like a lovely person. Hope you get a good night's sleep.
Hope you and your husband are coping ok Sweeptpeasue.

Wishing you all a peaceful night. Also Candy Allsorts and Nanny .

Not today nadateturbe but reading how you cope/share is helpful to read.

Doodle I love eating out. My husband loves pie. Glad you had a nice meal.

ScaredyCat Seeing your sister must have so good after the way she was before, when you felt so worried about her.

nadateturbe I tried Morrisons via Amazon but didn't like the website, and here's no option to amend an order. We use Asda, and find it suitable.

Wyllow3 Hope you have a better day today.
SweetpeaSue How did you sleep last night, with the AD?

Hope ALL BDers have a decent day today. Think DH and I are going to a swan sanctuary - they have geese, chickens and ducks, too - so long as it doesn't rain. x

Hi all.
Wyllow- I,m so sorry that you are having such a low period. Wish I had the right words to help you .
I,m glad your diagnosis was not as bad as you were fearing but of course IBS brings its own problems .I expect you,ll learn what sets it off and work round accordingly.
I thought of you on Thursday when we were out with my sister near Edale in the High Peak. I hope it’s not too long before you
feel strong enough to take a trip.
It’s not long til you see your family is it - it,ll be nice just to know they are near.Hope you can have some time together.
SweetPeaSue- I,m sorry you and DH are having such a hard time. My DH takes Citalopram and has done for years - it really has helped him..
I feel like HVDY re ADs - I would rather take them for ever now than feel like I did again. They take a while to kick in just one day you realise you feel better.
EllieAnne- it’s a horrible feeling worrying you,ve upset someone. I,m sure if you,ve seen your friend today everything will be ok. You are so kind and she probably loves having you as her friend .
Whiff- you always manage to say something that is sensible and kind.
Wouldn’t it be good if sometimes we considered the best case scenario instead.
HVDY- you certainly are a strong lady and have come through much. Perhaps instead of “why me” we could think “why not me” occasionally. Must try it sometime!!
Your baby GD is so beautiful- her dear little face looking up at her Dad.
Enjoy the swans today it sounds a lovely place to go.
Doodle- your lunch sounded delicious- I,m glad you enjoyed it.
We were exactly like you - stopped deliveries and tried doing the big shop ourselves. We hated it and so back to Mr Tescos delivery.
Hope you and DH are well and that your wrist is not so uncomfortable.
Nadaturbe- so sorry you have constant pain at the moment. You deal with it so uncomplaingly and bravely.
It would be good if deliveries could put themselves away wouldn’t it!!
Yes it was lovely to be with my sister. Wish she didn’t live so far away. Will hopefully see her before Xmas.
She has gone through so much and still is but remains always her kind,brave self.
Candy,Violet Sky, Nanny and all posters and readers take care xx

Hello Scaredycat, I hope you're refreshed now after your nights sleep. It was lovely to see your sister.
Actually my husband collected our order, which only takes a few minutes and we can order the night before, which is very useful.
I mostly do manage to cope, but you should have heard me this morning. Putting groceries in cupboard and I thought I was going to collapse on the floor, I felt so weak. husband had me on settee with legs raised on cushions, in case it was the BP.
I broke all my own advice and rules of thinking (as you say) why not me? there are people with much bigger more serious problems, we are so lucky to have done what we have, been to so many lovely places....etc. I was crying, and saying what a s* life, who wants to be like this, my energy is disappearing, ..., I am totally fed up.. Screaming in an empty room would be good, if you had the energy! Rant over. I feel better already.
The ADs citalopram sound very helpful. I hope they help Sweetpeasue and her husband. They seem to have helped many people here..
We're having pizza tonight and salad. We eat healthy 6 nights a week and then have pizza.
And I have a dvd of Cranford to watch. I've never watched it.
HVDY I hope you enjoyed seeing the swans. We don't have a Morrisons close. Only tesco and Sainsbury, and you habe to book weeks ahead for Sainsbury, and ours is small, with less choice than in GB. (brexit shh)

Went to see my friend and there was no problem. So I feel better about that.
But I am feeling lonely today. I know I m not the only one who feels like this. Mostly I am ok going out on my own but occasionally I just think it would be nice to have a day out with someone. Friends do things with their husbands . I have 2 friends who are on their own but neither are fit to walk or go for days out.
Maybe I should advertise for a friend. I’m sure there will have a site somewhere but it takes me a while to feel comfortable with someone.
On to of that I have run out of wine.

Evening all, I’ve been very absent I know. I’ve read a few times this week but then haven’t had the energy to post. Trouble is, I feel guilty not responding to everyone so then end up not posting at all. It’s usually evening when I get to read then I get so tired. Had an extra busy week. Had DGS 3 nights and days. He plays for a football academy now and absolutely loves it but it means both me and DH have to help out running him back and to to training which is over 20 miles away. We go to watch him play matches too which can be anywhere but we do love to watch him. As I’ve said he’s our only grandchild and is growing up far too quickly so we’re enjoying it while we can. I’ve been busy doing admin stuff too, for us and for DH’s business plus working. As you know, this is how I cope with my MH but it does all tire me out. Sorry you’ve all had your ups and downs but I hope your weekend is going ok.
Wyllow I’m pleased your endoscopy showed nothing sinister. I know they’re not nice, my son has had lots. I can understand too, your anxiety about the results. I’d be the same. I had a routine mammogram nearly three weeks ago and have been so anxious about the results. I just wouldn’t cope well with anything bad as I catastrophise everything. I wish I didn’t. I’ve got worse as I’ve got older. Anyway, thankfully it was ok. I hope you are able to manage your IBS successfully. My daughter has it and manages well. I think I’ve started having a few symptoms too, bowel stuff etc. so will see what happens. I know that’s nothing sinister as I’ve recently had a routine bowel screen which again, was thankfully ok. I hope your day has been ok today.
Sweetpeasue sorry you’ve had such a bad time but I’m glad you’ve started AD’s. I too was worried about the side effects and put it off for years, but I’m glad I started them. I hope they help your DH too. Like others have said they don’t change anything but do help you to cope a bit better. I hope your are pain free today.
Ellie Anne I know you find weekends difficult but I hope this one is ok for you. I hope you sorted the possible upset with your friend. I’m sure you didn’t upset her. You sound like me, I overthink things I may have said and worry I’ve upset people, when in reality I haven’t. It’s the worrier side of me. Anyway, I hope it’s all sorted for you.
HVDY your little GD is gorgeous. You are very lucky. Your takeaway sounded lovely. Not heard of salmon tikka, sounds gorgeous. We’re having a takeaway later, Chinese, 😋. So sad about your SiL but at lease she does seem to be improving slowly physically and I hope she continues to do so.
Nadaterturbe glad you had a nice time at your caravan and I hope your family meet up goes well. I hope your pain gets better too. Must be difficult to cope with.
Scareycat how lovely for you to see your sister. It must have done you both the world of good. I hope she gets stronger. Sorry about your friend’s memory. My MiL is bad too. Was supposed to have a memory test some weeks ago but it was cancelled and she’s heard nothing since. I hope your weekend is going ok.
Whiff you give such good advice and I’ll keep the *thinking about one good thing at a time” piece in hand which I’m sure will come in useful in the future.
Hope all other BDs are ok and ❤️ To all xx

Hope everyone has been ok (or as ok as possible). It's been a nice day. The swan sanctuary was lovely (been before), and we even saw a heron and some peacocks. I struggled to walk round but we kept sitting down. I then thought about a woman I knew when I worked as a Warden at a sheltered housing place - she was then 59 (3 years ago), had Multiple Sclerosis, was bedridden, so catheterised and had to be hoisted out of bed to be showered etc. She also had a stoma (which often used to leak faeces). She only ever left that bed when she was taken (frequently) to hospital. She had to rely on carers 4 times a day to get her something to eat and drink, and to keep her clean. No husband, 3 AC who never visited. Mentally, she was as bright as ever. Then I remembered how VERY fortunate I am.

Hope ALL BDers have a relaxing evening x

Candy please don’t feel guilty about not writing to everyone. It’s not a requirement to post to all. We understand. I’ve said it to others before, if you can pop in and tell us how you are that’s great. Sometimes we all feel we can’t write too much. Don’t worry about it.
Better you post and tell us how you are feeling than to bottle things up and not say anything because you can’t write a long post.
Lovely you get to spend so much time with your grandson. Yes it’s tiring now but a time will come when he’s grown up and you will be glad you spent the time together when he was young. He will remember that.
Glad your mammogram result was ok.
Hope you have a bit of a rest this weekend.
Ellie Anne so glad you now know things are ok between you and your friend. How often we spend time worrying about things that don’t happen. I do it a lot.
I do think it would be a great idea if there were friendship groups for people on their own to meet up and do something together even if only a coffee. Is there anyone from church in their own that you could invite for coffee one weekend?
Run out of wine 😱. Now that is a problem.
nadateturbe do you have your own BP monitor at home to check your BP.? DH and I have a number of gadgets to check how he’s feeling. LED thermometer for sudden high temperature, oxymeter to check the levels of oxygen in his blood. bP monitor to check blood pressure and a kardio gadget to check if his heart is in normal rhythm or not. Can’t tell you how many times this year I’ve used those to diagnose a problem for him. Since he’s had sepsis I now know that if he has a temperature spike I have to give him paracetamol straight away. Have to make sure he’s not too hot even if he’s shivering. Check his Bp isn’t too low if he’s not steady in his feet. I could take a nursing degree. Hope you are feeling better now and enjoying your pizza.
Scaredycat I think your visit with your sister must have done you both the world of good.
Yes we rely in our deliveries now. Carrying shopping bags is too much for us and with DHs balance issues too dangerous. Our delivery drivers are so nice and friendly. We are getting to know about them and their families too.
Hope you’ve unpacked and sorted the washing now and can relax a bit this weekend.
HVDY did you go on your trip to the sanctuary? We have swans here at the moment. Lovely to see them. So graceful in the water but what a commotion when they are trying to fly. They seem to just skim across the top of the water with lots of wing flapping.
Your DH would have loved my lamb pie yesterday. Full of meat and really good pastry.
Sweetpeasue Wyllow how has today been?

HVDY glad you got to the sanctuary. I haven’t seen a live peacock for many years. I love thé colours and splendour.

Hello all, I’m not any better in my head at but did make myself have a haircut. Like climbing a mountain as inner thoughts set on whats the point. So can’t say much a bit scary to write it out tbh.

What you call a rant but it's letting it out - very understandable - and probably what a lot of us feel at times nadateturbe

Scaredycat it was lovely to hear the words ‘out with my sister”!

Oh the loneliness Emily Anne - oh yes. Sending

Candy you using feel bad about not writing fully out to everyone x we all do what we can ) - like I did today, what I could! Popping in with bits and bobs is OK. A very busy time and if this being busy works for you, is OK.

HVDY I’m glad you made it to the sanctuary and walked as much as you could. Well done with your difficulties.

Doodle yes you could take a nursing degree - you care for DH amazingly.

Thinking of all not in today yet or reading, this thread is especially accepting.