Black Dog 18

Wyllow3 Your family has probably already thought about what they'll do, where they'll go, etc., and will be pleased if you can join them but will understand if/when you can't. Like you, I worry about being the type of gran I'd like to be (particularly for our new GD, how am I going to be in 5 years or so?), but we can all only do what we can do. Could you perhaps try going a little bit further afield on a couple of days, to get you back into the habit of driving? It's natural that you're anxious about Thurs. Whatever it is, though, it will be dealt with. Hope all goes well.

VioletSky Are you being treated for the Anaemia? The tests for cancer don't mean you've got it - they'll be to rule out anything like cancer. Hard not to feel anxious, but you can tell us on here, whatever and whenever you like.

nadateturbe I love a nice fishfinger sandwich. I rarely cook now - DH is so fussy and doesn't like anything healthy or made with proper ingredients, cooking is wasted on him. He cooks or we go out.

Doodle GDs went home this morning, and yes, they do like being here or at their dad's. We make them breakfast, and have proper meals, ensure they're showering, etc. Mum is very casual when it comes to parenting. She often leaves the 15 year old in charge of our GDs (although our 12 year old is bigger and taller than her). I think your wrist problem is due to you having not just a break, but 2, and having to have plates put in. It will take longer to heal than a straightforward fracture.

SweetpeaSue It seems as though the consultants have differing opinions on what your problem is. Whatever it is, I hope you will get the pain clinic's help to get the pain effectively under control as soon as possible.

Rang brother at 7pm, he said he felt "unwell and shaky". That's because he'd only had some cereal at 8am, nothing else all day. Idiot. He keeps saying how sad he is (he only really ever talks about how certain things affect him, which annoys me so much). I think I need anger management to cope with him . Hope ALL BDers have a restful night.

DH just home, thankfully. I wasn't completely at ease without him, but I won't tell him. It's nice that he is able to do the journey to Gatwick. He lost his confidence a bit like lots of us, during the pandemic.
Wyllow so horrible what your ex did! Some good advice from Doodle and HVDY.
VioletSky try not to worry too much. It doesn't mean you have it. Tests are done to rule out cancer.
HVDY your brother really is the limit!

Goodnight everyone. I hope it is a peaceful one.xx

Evening

Sorry not been in for a few days been so busy then took SiL and BiL to caravan for the weekend which was pretty full on. Not long got back but just finished something I needed to do for work tomorrow. Shattered. Need to be up early tomorrow and then son coming home tomorrow and taking him out so probably won’t have the chance to come in. I’ll try and catch up when I can. I hope everyone is as good as they can be and I’m sorry for those who are in pain physically or mentally. Sending lots of love and thinking of everyone xxxx

Candy hello. Was just thinking about you as I said my prayers. Nice to hear from you. Hope you had a pleasant weekend. And hope you sleep well for your busy day tomorrow.

nadateturbe Glad your husband is back, safe and sound. You'll be more relaxed now.

Candy6 You're always busy. Hope you had a good sleep last night. Enjoy the time with your son later.

It's a wet and grey morning here. Hope all BDers manage to have a decent day, in spite of this miserable weather x

It's wet here, but I'm quite glad for the garden. Too tired out from yesterdays activities to go out today I think, but I slept well for me.

I think it's really good advice above re being a gran just lack confidence tho doing Some drives is a good idea.
last night at bedtime horrible negative thoughts crowded my mind but I made myself replace themselves with better ones. I remember a counsellor long ago saying that you become what you spend time pondering on. Easy to say, hard to do, since one has to confront and work through negative events and triggers. Yes Doodle I hope they have plans like that but have heard nothing and I dont feel I can say how tough things are.

Candy lovely to see you in and I hope the busy day goes well.

Glad MrN is back nadateturbe and you are right no need to "tell all".

Oh dear HVDY your brother is probably unaware that it's a sort of guilt-tripping you telling you about the eating thing.

Sounds like he is flailing around frankly wanting "Rescuing". Sounds like the two of them need support. And so you are on the spot about "how much do I do". There may - I say may as I dont know - some kind of social Services involvement when it comes to discharging SiL - or are they involved already? Can you take the problem to them?

Violet Sky it came to me that it's generally easier (tho never easy) to talk about physical stuff rather than MH stuff to friends/contacts?

My prayer is, give me courage to face the day...

Wyllow3 Those negative thoughts are unsettling. If you can change them for positive ones, good - but easier said than done.

I've often asked my brother to come here for dinner, but he hasn't been for 14 months - our path is sloped and uneven, and due to his prosthetic leg, he struggles a bit (we've got handrails). His actual words once were "I f**king hate coming to your house", so I don't feel guilty. He buys the cheapest food (ready meals, pie, quiche, never any fruit, veg or salad), despite having thousands in 2 bank accounts. He drives an automatic car - he said he took it for a run yesterday and did 120mph along the motorway. He doesn't need rescuing but SS has been involved for about 5 weeks. SIL will need rehab, probably nursing home care. He's never once yet rung the hospital, due to "not having a landline". He doesn't want to visit during the day, when he'd perhaps get to speak to a doctor - but he'll sit at home feeling sorry for himself. Grr.....................

HVDY I'm exasperated with your brother and I don't even know him! I'm glad social services are taking care of things.

Wyllow3 I too am glad when it rains for the garden, saves me a lot of watering. And plants seem to thrive.
The more you replace those negative thoughts , the easier it will become. Just keep doing it.
.
I am not a wonderful granny. I am great at writing letters and giving money, but I have little energy for doing things with them. (Grandson told DD "Granny writes lovely letters"). Just be the best you can be and don't worry about it.
I think you are a strong courageous lady

nadateturbe Just rang ward - SIL ok, been out of bed a couple of times, will need lots of physio. Doctors are on strike, so ward rounds are sporadic. Rang brother, updated him. He hadn't had a wash or shave, it was 2.45pm! He keeps saying how sad it is that SIL is so different from before the Alzheimer's - but she's been like this a few years now. She's been stuck, sitting in a chair, doing nothing whatsoever, all day, every day, for many months. That's sad.

We all do what we can, when we can, and in a way that we ca, for/with our GC, don't we? Mine say I'm beautiful and caring . Hope all BDers have seen a bit of sunshine today. (none here) x

I realise I sound very unsympathetic towards my brother. I'm sorry he's had to cope with things for the last couple of years, and sorry he's facing the rest of his years alone - he's alienated everyone around him, because of things he'd said or done to offend people. He hasn't bothered with people, though - still hasn't visited his son who had a stroke over 2 years ago (I'd offered to look after SIL for a few days). I'm not a nasty person.

Gosh no! You're not a nasty person HVDY. the opposite. Whatever your brother's problems are, you've helped as much as possible.
It's very sad about your sister in law.

I'm glad you shared what he said about your house, HVDY - says it all - incredible. Had no idea was that bad. You are right - he has made his own destiny as you say,

I think you got the double dose of empathy/caring! and it will be repaid.

Listening to Taise atm nadateturbe the day got tough. I opened a letter addressed to Ex. Now this isn't his fault but Sky handled the changeover from him to me badly and it was a debt collection agency for money owed despite all being settled last December and again in February when it was clear it hadn't been sorted after all. After 1 hour 20 mins with sky I was in tears but had to pay the debt agency to nip all int he bud.

Totally rock bottom dangerously so after that stuff like that makes me feel helpless and reminds me of daily struggle to get food in cook get dressed etc etc as well as medical stuff.

Impulsively I rung my sister, who was very kind and it was OK to say most of the M Health stuff to her. She said ring anytime which helped and also she won't wait for me to ring to keep in contact but will ring me and it's OK to say "dont want to talk atm."
I know that until 3 months ago this would have really helped but it's hard to hold onto. After the call I just cried and cried for Ex yet again. Hope counselling helps tomorrow.

I dont even write to grandchildren I'm not confident they want to hear from or where I stand in their lives anymore.

Sorry to be so negative it's just where I am, I want big enormas hugs and looking after and thats just not available!

(it actually used to be, going back 5 years on my long MH journey - there was an OK local respite centre, you had to make your own food but you weren't alone and always a worker to talk to and company.

Oh, Wyllow3, you sound so unhappy at the moment. I'm glad you've got your sister to talk to. She sounds very understanding and caring. That palaver with a debt agency must have upset you. Why wouldn't your GC want to hear from you? Have you tried writing, just to see how they are, what they're up to, etc.? Can you clam the money back? We're all here, even though, of course, it isn't the same as someone being there in person.

Hello all x I am also very grateful for having somewhere I can "speak". I am beginning to deliberately cut myself of from people. I don't want to talk to anyone in person or on the phone. I'm beginning to really dislike everyone. Why?
I also find myself getting irritated by everyone and everything. And if people don't listen to my opinion then wow I get really irritated. Again why. Everything is stressful and hard work. I just want to sit on a beach alone and look..at what..the sky or the sea and I want it to listen to me. I like to hear people around me, I like the joy others are having just leave me be.
I have no idea if this makes sense.

Nanny2507 I'm not medically trained, but it sounds as though you're suffering from depression - which I suppose is understandable when you're grieving. It will take time. Have you tried Cruse or any other type of bereavement support groups at all?

its means so much to get an understanding response HVDY as MH stuff isnt logical or rational.

nanny I do recognise everything you say about feelings to others. It makes total sense.
The turning away from the world you describe, and turning away and disliking or resenting people IS normal for a very depressive sort of grieving, truly.

Hugs from a respectful distance and if it carries on then consider

either thinking "this too, will pass',

or "I need help with this" (groups, doctors)

how I just cant speak to anyone I really dont want to.

its really really hard Nanny I feel those things too sometimes towards people I love. (most posters here know I am trained as a psychotherapist but have also had severe depression on and off for some time and MH help which is why I know)

The "How" - sometimes you have to make yourself to get necessities of life and accept the don't want to bit of it (indeed, the "why should I" bits of it, and its really really hard. I have a counsellor" some people here on Black dogs take meds to lift them into a better state of mind to cope with and enjoy aspects of life.

But you are in the worst bit of grieving. Keep posting - phone helplines - keep on keeping on x

Nanny speaking my feelings and having them accepted here makes a lot of difference to me:
because we are saying to each other " it's Ok to feel as you do" and take comfort from that sharing.
It can't magic everything OK but can help bear it all.

HVDY Of course you're not a nasty person. I think you have been there for your SIL and have been so good to take her to the day centre which must have been quite a task in itself. You have taken on a lot and you are still not well yourself with bad legs. We all know you are a v caring person who is there for all your family. Your frustration with brother is completely understandable. I think you're doing amazing under the circumstances.
Wyllow I wish I could give you those big hugs that are so needed right now. You just wamt someone to take all the burdens away from you and you sound wearied with it all. I'm glad you rang your sister and its good she's aware of how low you are getting. I'm sure it will help for her to call you as she seems so understanding.
That letter must have thrown up so much and it's knocked you for 6. Takes so much energy to sort stuff kut like that, even for someone without your CFS and poor MH. I so wish I could take that heavy grief away. As HVDY* says we are here even though not in person.
Nanny2507 So so sorry you're going through all this. I think anger and irritation is so much a part of grieving and depression and you must just want to let all that out as it builds up. Cutting yourself off from people completely will cut off any support that might help just a little but its so understandable. I'm hoping your animals give you some measure of comfort even when you cant abide being with people. So sorry Nanny and sending love.

Bless Sweetpeasue, yes it was a "straw broke camels back" moment. x

Wyllow Just wanted to say that I've felt/feel guilty about those feelings of irritability about ones I love. And, I feel terrible about it.

I'm scared. Had joint appt with GP this morning. Know husband is struggling-things taking toll. Bound to happen. No one invincible from so much stress for so long. Feel so bad about everything.
Love to all not mentioned. x

Wyllow DH , who had a lot of problems with his stomach for a while, spent some weeks just with carrots and potatoes. My BIl who has IBS eats no green food at all. Have you tried the FODMAP exclusion diet?
We are lucky here. We know all our neighbours very well and they are all nice. We have had the odd one or two in the past not so nice but I think if you went to somewhere like M&S you would be with more mature people. That’s awful about your Ex coming into your home at night. No wonder that upset you.
No you don’t need to pretend.
You could do some research online about local activities that are suitable for your family. You could have a number of things ready to suggest to them when they’re with you but you could suggest they go on their own to some of them and only do what you feel capable of. That way they won’t be hanging around every day waiting to see how you feel or worried about leaving you out. If you’ve got some ideas it shows you were thinking of them.
Oh what an upset with the debt agency. No wonder that knocked you back. Good your sister is understanding. Nice to know you can phone her. Hope the counselling helps.
Sending a big hug.
Violetsky could you ask the hospital if there is someone you can talk to about your fears. If you are anaemic you are probably not feeling well anyway and this news on top will being you down. Do you have an appointment yet?
Perhaps you could pick one good friend to confide in.
Sweetpeasue sorry I probably misunderstood what you had written. I do Hope thé pain management people can help. Following your last consultation with the urologist is there anything else he could suggest or was it just that he would write to the pain team?
I’m sure you have done good research on your problems. Sometimes we have a better idea than the specialists because we have more in-depth knowledge of our own bodies.
Could you try an internet search of urologists who specialise in
IC/BPS and consider seeing one privately. When we were looking for someone to help with DHs RLS I searched on all the local neurologists to see which one specialised in that area.
Lovely cardi by the way.
HVdY I think your DGDs are very lucky to have you and their dad close at hand. Mums parenting sounds a bit haphazard.
You are certainly not an uncaring or nasty person. Many wouldn’t have helped your brother the way you have especially as he’s been so unpleasant to you. It sounds as though he’s content to wallow in misery rather than help himself. I had an aunt like that once and like your brother she drove everyone else away except my poor mum who put up with her for years.
I do hope your SIL gets proper help and stimulation. I doubt your brother could take care of her now.
nadaterurbe good your DH is home again. Do you have a big garden? Must be nice to sit out there when the weather is good.
How lovely your DGC appreciate your letters. Don’t think I’ve ever written to mine apart from cards.
Candy you sound like a whirlwind of busyness. Hope you had a nice time with your BIL and SIL. Seeing your son will cheer you up. Hope he has a nice visit.
nanny you are grieving and I think a whole range of emotions will come over you. Everyone treats loss in a different way and there is no instruction book on how to cope.
I imagine sitting quietly by the sea with your own thoughts can be less bother than dealing with others. Many people don’t know how to talk to someone who has lost their partner in life. Many will say the wrong thing. They won’t mean it but it’s easy to upset someone if you don’t know how they are feeling.
As HVDY says have you tried any bereavement groups?
You are always welcome here. Do you still have Binks?
I remember when you first found him.
Ellie Anne do you do any knitting? I like the cardi too.
We’ve been to hospital again today for DH. Everything ok.
I’m certainly able to do more with my wrist but it does feel very odd. My index finger and thumb are both numb but even though they do what I want them to it doesn’t feel they are part of me. Strange feeling.
Sleep well all x

Sweetpeasue it is only natural your DH is struggling too. If he cares about you, which he obviously does, then all this worry is bound to affect him. Did the GP come up with anything useful for either of you? Perhaps you both need some ADs. You’ve been through so much together.