Brother's drinking

Your brother sounds completely toxic and out of control. I would cut him out of your life completely.
I have done this with my toxic sister and it is a great relief not to have to listen to her venom any more .
Life is too short to put up with his appalling behaviour.

get rid.I speak in the past tense, but i had a highly narcissistic brother who used to abuse me but in a subtle way, I ended contact in 2012,my life is less complicated.

Quite simply Brownhamster -
Step away
Stay away
You are not his punch bag , encouraging you to buy expensive items - what !!!?????
His wife will know exactly what he is like and probably knows she can't change him - neither can you.
Stay well away , it's called self preservation!! Take care of yourself.

It sounds to me like he is drinking to self medicate, because he is struggling and feels bad about himself. If your disability is caused by having a different way of your brain working, this often has a genetic element and it could be that he too has inherited some traits that make it difficult for him socially. Men and women are affected differently. So I think he needs understanding, not condemnation. Someone who can say you are a great guy and we love you but this drinking and behaviour is hurtful to us and you.Please do something to get help. For you I think that if you could find a support group for people with a similar disability, you will find acceptance and self acceptance to help boost your self confidence. Lots of love

Have you considered he may have the same condition as you, and his excessive spending and emotional outbursts are related to that?

Bear with me. I realised 14 months ago I had ADHD (due to my son’s diagnosis), and your first paragraph struck a chord with me. I’ve done hours worth of research during this time and it very much sounds like your brother is exhibiting associated traits (overspending and rejection sensitivity). It affects us all differently.

Apologies if I have got your condition wrong, but I just wanted to comment on the off chance that it could give you some answers to the reasoning behind his behaviour.

If you look at all you have written, Brownhamster, you can see there is a pattern. You recognise that you have faults and have asked your family to remind you of them when you are going overboard. Your brother blames everybody and everything for his faults (which your parents seem to go along with) and this reinforces your view that in some way you are to blame. There is a dynamic here that needs addressing.
One of the things alcohol appears to do with chronic drinkers is kill off the brain cells that make you empathetic or nice. Eventually it tends to colour everything and not in a good way. I suspect your brother and his wife know they have problems with alcohol so there is probably nothing you can do there until they choose to address the problem. If your brother has PTSD, it is HIS responsibility to get help for it so it minimises the effects on him and everybody around him.

He also told me I need to see my Doctor and get stronger medications.

I am seeing my Doctor soon.

Has anybody else suggested that you need stronger medication? Do you think you need it? Are you having problems elsewhere in your life? Quite honestly, it sounds like you are being gaslighted here.

...when she did give me her previous mobile number, brother found out somehow, questioned me about it, so I got rid of it.

Why? Was it a problem to him? It shouldn't have been. What made you think you had to get rid of it? It sounds like you thought that this something you shouldn't have and it makes me wonder if he is controlling his wife too. If my brother suggested that I shouldn't have my SIL's number, I'd be livid. I certainly wouldn't get rid of it. It would make me determined to keep contact just in case she ever wanted out of the relationship.

I think it might help you to look at Transactional Analysis and look at how you and your brother relate to one another. You might see what you need to work on or, even more likely, why you will never be able to have a decent relationship with him and it might help you make the changes you need to for your own peace of mind. Al Anon is also a good start.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Other have mentioned, Bullying, Al Non and Narcism - I do think they are on to something.

Also OP you have said your own condition may play a part in your difficulties, so what can you Do about this very upsetting and scary situation with your brother ?

If you can stay away from him, have no contact with him that's the easiest way to stay safe, not always possible so look for other ways to take care of yourself around him. Think carefully about contact with his wife.

She stays in her situation and that is (rightly) her choice.

It's not your choice how they live their life so it's not your Fault - You are Not to Blame for any of their problems.

Your brother does NOT have the Right to tell you how to live your life. The fact that he does Not have the Rights he thinks he has won't stop him trying to bully you. It's up to you to find ways to take good care of yourself in these awful situations.

My suggestion would be to research, get yourself informed, teach yourself to understand about Bullying in it's many forms, about having an Alcoholic Relative and how to take care of yourself around them and try to get to grips with being around a Narcissist.

There is plenty of information on the web and acquiring knowledge is a good start to helping you understand that while your brothers bullying is aimed at you he is behaving in ways of many others before him so the patterns are there to help you understand and ind ways to be protected.

You Don't have to Just Take his bad behaviour.

Finding how and what Patterns of behaviour he is following can help you separate his Blaming YOU form the Hurt and Scare you feel of Being Blamed.

As for your own disability, seeing your Dr or not seeing your Dr is for you to choose and not for you brother to dictate. You do what is right for you.

How current are you re understanding your disability? May be have a read to see if anything New and Useful to you is known about your disability and How that might leave you more vulnerable to your brothers bullying or help you with your self protection.

It's a lot of self help and research but if you start reading around these areas I'm sure you will realise that :-

1) the problems are far more with your brother than they are with you

2) You are not alone is How you feel

3) you may learn to train yourself to be less affected by his nasty bullying behaviour

And last but not least

4) His is NOT your problem to FIX. He created his problems Not YOU. You are Not to Blame.

You may also wish to look into some counselling/therapy to help you through this difficult situation. Good Luck and may you find a safe way for you to move forward.

I think if you look at this relationship it needs a step back. Your brother is a bully and you’re not responsible for his behaviour. For your own sanity cut ties for the time being and see how the situation unfolds. Your not responsible for his marriage either it looks like he’ll ruin that all by himself.

He sounds absolutely vile. Shouting in your face would be the straw that broke the camels back for me although to be honest reading your post I’d have gone no Contact before that
I like to live a peaceful calm life you say he is not physically violent but to me he’s intolerable
I’d wash my hands of him you are worth much more love.

Typical bully and ex policeman behaviour. Ask yourself if you really need him in your life? If the answer is no then move away from him by not going to events or gatherings which involve meeting him. You deserve better treatment and alcohol is the main issue here .
He is not your responsibility

Apart from being a nasty bully, your brother is an alcoholic. \What di your parents think of his behaviour? Can they influence his to admit he is an alcoholic?

Contacting Al Anon is very good advice. Talking to others in similar situations will help give you perspective and help to stop enabling his controlling and bullying behaviour, by distancing yourself effectively. Do you actually need him in your life? Hopefully you will redefine your boundaries and stop allowing his coercive and bullying behaviour.

He is not someone that you need in your life as he is at present (if at all). He is behaving like a toddler with regard to how he has spent his money so he is worse off than you who has not lived as extravagantly, he has gobbled down his biscuit and thinks it's unfair that you've still got most yours because you are eating it politely. There's an old saying he wants both spice and the hapenny, ie he wants both the sweets and the halfpenny that it cost him: you spend your money you haven't got it, you can't have your money and what you have bought, it's one or the other.
It is totally unacceptable for him to behave like he is doing . The drink obviously isn't helping his behaviour.
You know, when he says that you've upset your sister in law by your behaviour, I wonder if it is what they call projection. He is accusing you of doing what he is guilty of, to deflect from his behaviour. When I found out about projection it was like a lightbulb went off when I thought of how my husband had behaved on many occasions. What you say about him making you delete your sister in laws number is also abusive behaviour, abusive to both you and sister in law I bet he had her delete your number too, so the 2 of you couldn't support each other in any way. Which other numbers has he has his wife delete, I bet there are some, it is a tactic of abusers to isolate their targets from family and friends who might actually support them.
If his marriage breaks up then it will wholly be down to him and his awful behaviour and drinking. How dare he try and make you feel guilty, but again really he is talking about himself, although he will not recognize what he is doing
It is unfair to you that probably what you need to do is avoid family events when he is there, and as far as possible avoid contact with him,
You are actually a vulnerable adult as well. Would you consider contacting women's aid.perhaps? If he continues to harass you they could help you get legal protection to stop him doing that. It doesn't have to be violence to be abuse. Nothing justifies his treatment of you
He won't like it if you make a stand against his behaviour and it might worsen as he realizes that his control of you is loosening again do not hesitate to ring the police
There is absolutely no justification for his behaviour, he might find you irritating, but you know most people can be in their own way. No excuse for his behaviour whatever

I have no personal experience of this situation, and I have no siblings so I can't empathise with how it feels to have a problematic relationship with a sibling, especially if you love him. Your parents presumably love him too, as well as loving you, so it must be difficult for them also.

My main thought is that you must stop blaming yourself for any of his behaviour. So you are a chatterbox - some would say that is lovely. I can be so too, but friends cheerfully tell me to give someone else a chance - and we chuckle about it.

It sounds to me as though you are hurt by your brother's cruel attitude and words to you, and you need to remind yourself that your good friends would be appalled to hear him treat you like that - and therefore it is NOT YOU who is at fault, but HIM. Surely a decent brother would be appreciative of your personality, and love you for it, not blame you for things unnecessarily. Many sisters would simple tell him to "bog off" (or worse) if treated in that way, but instead you find yourself feeling that he is right. That is, as others have said, bullying.

Several have suggested that you should cut him out of your life, but it would be better if you could toughen yourself up a bit to stop feeling so hurt and at fault - in other words, stand up for yourself. I don't have any advice as to how you learn to be something you have probably never been (and shouldn't have to be) but you can't go on being put down like this. It isn't right, and isn't fair on you.

Remind yourself that you have good friends who don't treat you in this way, or make you feel in the wrong, and recognise that it isn't you who has the problem - it is him.

Much love and good luck.

He’s an alcoholic so there will never be any reasoning with him, ever. He should be kind and supportive to you not projecting his pathetic inadequacies on to you. I’m not sure what your condition is but it sounds a bit like my ADHD. If people want to criticise or whatever then it’s their problem not mine, or yours. You sound like a lovely lady and deserve so much better than this. Without a doubt tell your parents and SIL how badly it’s affecting you and that you no longer want contact with this bully. Cut him off, block his phone and avoid situations where you are likely to meet. If he does try to persist with his unacceptable behaviour do not get drawn in . Calmly tell him you’re done with him and stick to it. Alchies will suck the life blood out of you (I was married to one). Only then will you get the peace of mind that you so richly deserve.

My late husband's friend developed a drink problem - so we had to make some adjustments. As non-drinkers ourselves, we kept no alcohol in the house. Anything for guests was kept locked in the garage. We stopped inviting him round but continued to meet outside. Sometimes he'd pop round, though - and could stay if sober, was swiftly escorted out if drunk - and was never allowed any alcohol here. Yes, he blamed others for his alcoholism - his childhood, his job and his wife - but not himself.

Alcoholics never take any personal responsibility - it’s always everyone else’s fault for their miseries.

The same goes for narcissists, always blaming others, they are always right, horribly unhappy individuals.

All toxic situations should be avoided if they are not going to accept help.

Just walk away and lead your own life. The other parties will have to figure it out and accept the consequences.

Gundy you just beat me to it with your association of alcoholism and narcissism
Brownhamster
Narcs (if that is what your brother is snd who am I to say ) never take responsibility for anything it is never their fault, they always blame someone else Their life is all about control and they get off on other people’s misfortune
Another trait is to tell lies to other people
So as everyone says walk away which can be easier said than done but make sure you have support. Narcs have a tendency not to accept such action gracefully

This is my brother to a tee!
His wife of 46 years has just left him .
I’m supporting her .
Long overdue !

No, nothing about you is causing him to drink.
He is a pathological bully and probably should have sought psychiatric guidance sometime ago.
With your disability he's picking on you as the ideal, vulnerable sitting duck and is clearly co-ercing you towards thinking YOU are to blame for his behavior.
If need be, perhaps you need to approach the police about this - he's veering towards violence and almost every day the news has an item about women who have died at the hands of an explosive male family member. Don't think that walking on eggshells and tip toeing around him is the answer.
Blood is not thicker than water.

Brown hamster, I think it needs to be said that we are all responsible for our own destiny and in saying that I have the mind set that I do not care what others think of me or what I have and as such do not care what others do and do not have. If your brother is aggressive towards you over money or family issues I think you need to do 1 of 2 things. One do not engage in any conversation with him regarding these matters as his attitude is poor and his mind set is jealous or 2 do not see or speak with him at all. Really life is too short for this childish behaviour

Thank you. We inherited a house, which we share and let out. We have a 50/50 share and get half the rent each. Brother always refunds me half of what I spend on upkeep etc. if I deal with the work, but he often moans, firstly saying I don't need the money etc. But, he always settles up. He every so often, sends me emails of absurdly pricey and exclusive cars, furnitire, entertainment systems etc. saying if he had my money, they are what he'd be buying and it is what I should be getting. Also, that blowing my money will save on some of my savings going to the state when I die.

It sounds like your brother likes to have a good moan but at least he repays you. He does appear to either have an odd sense of humour or very skewed thinking if he sends you pictures of what he would buying if he had your money. That is really quite inappropriate.
A family member offered my sister and I a house to share but I knew that wasn't ever going to work. I declined and suggested he gave it to her because there was no way I could work with her. He did give it to her and I don't regret it one single bit. I like a non-confrontational life! He'd also been very generous to me in the past and I didn't want anybody to think I'd taken advantage.

Avoid him, see family when he’s not there. You are letting him control you, is that what you want?