Black Dog 22

HVDY it was very hot today!

I have a vivid picture of you Doodle in your flat and crying so understandably especially with past birthday memories xx

Hello Hairspray you are very welcome. I’m glad you are seeing a therapist. HVDY puts it very well.

Please never feel ashamed, or inadequate. Mental heath problems are every bit as real as a physical health problem needing meds. It does sound as if Mirtazapine really helped.

Yes I think everyone who take meds long term hate being reliant on them…..but surely better than what you describe - so hoping things will pick up for you. I’m on a different sort of MH drug mix now but they did help for quite a long time.

Same old same old here - did get to supermarket as nothing in fridge….my computer is playing up, not looking forward to tomorrow as it has to be one of my “tum” days ie stand by the loo …

Been quiet in here today but as I write thinking of all the regulars who haven’t made it in,

Goodnight and love xx

Doodle happy birthday for yesterday. It's hard when there isn't a card from your husband or a gift. It's the same for every special occasion. What hit me worse was the first year no fathers days cards . But it's not just the first year as the years go by the grief gets worse as all the things your darling husband had missed but like I have said it takes time . You have to make a new present and future and it's hard. It's still very early days for you . And when you don't feel well the loss is overwhelming. Also if you can't open something or things happen I have shouted out loud at my husband where are you when I need you but it makes me feel better. Never hold your feelings in as you only hurt yourself. I have blamed my husband for dieing ,swore at him, blamed him for our son estranging me but I feel better shouting it out loud. And no it's not wrong or wicked it's what you have to do. Took me years to realise that and I hurt myself. I never want anyone to go through what I did thinking I had to be brave . But like I have said what did I know about bone crushing grief at 45. Nothing prepares you for the total feeling of loss. Knowing you have lost half of yourself and will never be whole again . But over time you will learn to live with it . I am glad you have the videos and many years of memories with your husband the good and the bad . But those memories are precious. Marriage isn't easy especially when the children come along but you worked as a team. Through the good times and bad you had eachothers back and making decisions together was give and take . Suddenly it's just you and knowing you are alone for the rest of your life is frightening and having to make all the decisions on your own is hard but given time and I don't mean months but years making them does come easier.

Not very well at the moment having problems will my legs swelling that's why I have been missing . But being referred back to my cardiologist and referral for a bone density scan . Whilst annoying I still do all the things I normally do as I will not let my body win. And of course missing my husband all the more as I need him to hold me and make his stupid jokes and make love to me. It's always the same feeling when not well . Simple things but they are what I need and want but can't have.

Sorry everyone is having a hard time at the moment but glad you are all still posting and Wyllow it's lovely seeing longer posts from you.

I haven't forgotten you would hate you to think that. I have popped into other threads so still around . But it takes me ages to write a post as my hands tremble .

Keep posting you aren't just helping eachother but all those who read but feel they can't post. ❤️

Hi all
Went walking really early as DH at Gym. Yesterday was just too hot for anything - thought my face would slide off with the heat🥵
Candy- Ah that empty feeling when you have that goodbye hug from your Son- I know it so well . Mine lives overseas so I only see him once a year. As you say the ADs do help don’t they. Thank goodness for FaceTime.
My AF is constant 24/7 so tiredness is my middle name but I still do as much as I can - use it or lose it sort of drives me on. But this heat has got me beat🥵
Will you go to the caravan this weekend?
SweetPeaSue- glad you had a better day Sunday- I think taking each day as it comes and enjoying the good ones as much as you can is a good way to go. Hope a cancellation comes along for DH.
Those beautiful flowers - your garden looks lovely such a pretty palette of colours.
Doodle- those memories although they make you sad will always be there in your photos and videos and your boys and their families and in time you will be able to remember with contentment that you lived your best life with DH. I love that you say you were content. Content is a lovely kind,calm word just like your DH .
Glad you got to speak to your Sons- they must be so proud of you. It’s good that you can cry - never try to hold it in - it’s natures way of releasing your sadness. I felt sad to think of you but you must do what ever comforts you. Then look at the river and the sun and know he’s there with you .
Hairspray- Hello!! I remember you too.
Everything you say resonates with me - I too wouldn’t take ADs because I was frightened of them despite years of feeling as you describe. I have been taking them for over a year now and I feel like HVDY that I would rather take them for the rest of my life then feel as I did before. Please don’t consider yourself a failure for taking them after all as she says they are just medication like any other. And like any other medication they can be a life changer. Give them a chance and hopefully they will help you as they have done for so many.
Wyllow- Your trip to the supermarket is such a big thing for you but you dig in and get it done. Do you drive there or walk?
It was such a hot day yesterday it must have been nice to get near the freezer cabinets.
Hope your “tum” isn’t playing you up too much today.
It was nice walking early as there was still a lot of shady bits- there are such big blackberries on the hedges this year.
Whiff- sorry you have not felt so good- the heat doesn’t help does it. Take it a bit easy in the hot weather - ice cream helps too!!
Once again wise words. We all react differently after bereavement but kindness and concern like yours is precious.
Love to all old friends and new and those who may just read.

Hairspray I've had to take ADs at various times over the yrs- Postnatal Depression with both sons, divorce and also Depression with no event trigger. I'd been many years without until a traumatic medical issue ( Hysteroscopy procedure and unnecessary fibroid removal that went wrong and covered up) left me in pain. I became so depressed and anxious and I thought because it was 'natural' to be so , after what had happened I thought I would do without ADs and really didn't want to take them. Since starting them I've been more able to cope. This is my experience, if it helps. Please don't feel a failure as it takes courage to admit to needing help and HVDY puts it well.
Another thing is that ADs don't take all your feelings away, which is what some people fear. I find they've helped ,though you will still feel sadness and have all the worries about loved ones .
Hope you feel better soon.

Whiff Such kind words to Doodle and speaking as someone who has experienced such a painful loss of your DH. My mum was widowed at 42 and she was devastated and completely bereft. She did marry again which I was happy for her. I do hope the swelling in your legs goes down soon- more pain for you to put up with. You always speak so kindly about us. Take care of yourself.
Scaredycat You are so good about keeping active despite the awful AF you have to put up with. As you say- use it or lose it - and I hope I haven't lost it! Though I did do quite a lot physically yesterday. You talked of blackberries being large- our plum tree never been so heavily laden- branches weighed down and plums hanging like huge bunches of grapes.The wind a couple of dys ago broke 2 large boughs down so after DH cut off lots of huge branches I was left with a .mountain to cut up and buckets of unripe plums yesterday. Very stiff today but DH still busy painting shed so didn't want him to do tree aswell. Such very understanding posts to us all so thankyou.

Doodle I hope it's been a bit better for you today. I wish I could take away your heartbreak. You are doing everything you can to keep going and I'm so pleased you have such a lovely neighbour and some nice friends. Your art group is a place to help distract you too- just listening to easy chat. If you need to cry and can , it must be a release of the weight in your heart -even though temporary. Sending a hug and much love.x

Hello all and thank you so much for the reassuring replies.

It makes me feel humble that you all have your own troubles and worries but still take the time and effort to help each other.
You all make so much sense as well, very level headed advice when it is needed.

I will read the full thread and keep in touch on GN.

I know that I have no choice regarding the ADs and I feel better knowing that I am not alone.

Thank you all very much indeed, you have also made me feel welcome which is really nice.

Whiff Hope you get the referral through soon. Have you got anything to help with your legs? A reclining chair, or some way of putting your legs up? It's important to drink a lot, too, which should help a bit. A cool, wet cloth would be a good idea.

ScaredyCat Your AF must make you exhausted, particularly in this heat. (I hate this hot weather). You do well to keep walking and pushing yourself. I really ought to be moving about a lot more, but my damned hip is so painful when I walk.

SweetpeaSue You did a lot yesterday, and on the hottest day, too! I've been very lazy. I hope your husband isn't doing too much.

Hairspray100 We've all got different problems/health concerns on here, but we all care about each other and try to offer support. Post whenever/whatever you like, whenever you feel like it. We're friends here.

Wyllow3, Doodle, EllieAnne, Candy6 and others - how has your day been?

I went for coffee and cake with my friend - she picked me up, I paid - then have just been for dinner at the pub with DH. Hope everyone has a relaxing evening x

HVDY My DH is trying to keep doing things and his main 'mission' is now to put shed up ,which my son said he'd help with but he's back at work. DH painting all the bits and been sawing bits off that weren't right. I did the tree stuff yesterday as I could see he was worn out and would only start on that afterwards if I didn't do it.
You've had such a nice day- wish I could go for a coffee with friend. I think it helps so much to have a natter about stuff, I really do. Hope your pain hasn't been too bad.

I know so many have much worse to cope with but can I just say how awful I'm feeling lately.
It just seems one thing on top of another.
DH isn't right with the exhaustian and I can see it in his eyes. He's struggling with head pain and his hand / arm pain is constant.
Son is offshore and my DIL is having to cope with the bad news I mentioned about her mum. I've told son I will go and see her but we're not really close at this stage and I don't want her to feel embarrassed. I know what it was I've when I found out my own mum had incurable Pancreatic Cancer.
I feel I can't cope and I'm scared.
I know I sound pathetic but I wake up at night and look at my DH breathing and I'm scared .
Hope I'm making sense and sorry for the moan. Don't seem to be able to sort myself out today at all.
Early appt at hospital tomorrow with Rheumatologist who sent him for the scans and also asked Vascular Consultant to see him. I hope we will find out more about my DHs condition and perhaps Rheumatologist won't know DHs not been seen yet.

Sorry not addressed all BDs just now. X

Nadateturbe Do hope you're a little better today. Thinking about you and hoping your pain has lessened.
Wyllow You did well to get out to the supermarket yesterday. I know that's a horribly difficult thing to do when you don't want to be 'seen' or be with others. It's a weird thing to feel isolated and be with others and sometimes makes it feel more lonely. Your poor tummy -it must get you down so much. Mine isn't nearly so bad as it was but I still have to get the Laxido doses right or I'm 'in for it'.
Hope your day hasn't been as bad as yours was yesterday. Sending love.x

SweetpeaSue You say you can't cope, but actually you can, and you DO cope. You're stronger than you think. See your DIL, tell her you're sorry about her mum - then let her talk, if she wants to. You look at your husband breathing (but he is breathing and isn't going to keel over and not breathe). Write down some of your concerns and tell the Rheumatologist tomorrow, and see what is said. Things aren't always as bleak as we might think. I hope you'll get some answers tomorrow, and that a treatment plan is put in place for your husband. Just remember, you will cope with whatever happens. I don't do prayers, as you know, but I'll be thinking of you and your husband tomorrow

I've Googled my hip problem - Labral tear - it says that the "cure" is surgery (not an option I'd agree to) but painkillers, rest, physiotherapy, steroid injection, are all suggested to manage the pain. I'm feeling less confident that I'll get better any time soon, but at least the pain has been manageable (but then I haven't done anything). Coach trip tomorrow, 8am, to Bourton on the Water. It should be nice but I'm worried about how I'll manage to walk about. Hope ALL BDers have a decent day tomorrow x

Wyllow I’m so pleased to see you posting a bit more now. Please take that as a good step forward even though you may not think so. I’ve had a not so good day today. Had to make some more phone calls about DH when I thought I’d finished.
Had a big problem with my bank and credit card. They tried to tell me the card I was holding in my hand didn’t exist.
Took some stuff back to the hospital and hour and a half round trip.
Been so many bouts of tears today I’m just tired now.
Glad you got to the supermarket. Hope you’ve got a fridge full now.
Whiff I don’t think I’ve heard a better description of this than bone crushing grief. No one who hasn’t been through it can have an inkling of what it is like. I realise I was so lucky to have DH for as long as I did. You had to go through so many years on your own and all the trauma with your son too.
I’m just so glad it’s me going through this and not DH. I would hate him to be on his own without me. That would be worse than this pain.
I’m sorry you’re not feeling too good, do you know what’s wrong with your legs swelling? Thank you for making the effort to keep posting.
Scaredycat I can’t imagine what it would be like to only see our sons once a year. As you say, thank goodness for face time at least that helps a little I imagine.
Yes it’s been so hot. Thank you yes we were content. Loved being together.
I imagine this hot weather doesn’t help your AF. I always feel more stressed when I’m too hot.
Sweetpeasue yes the tears come easily. Sometimes at the most inconvenient time. Like today when I started crying on the phone to DWP.
Oh dear Sweetpeasue of course you can say how you feel. We have always said that we don’t compare pain or troubles on this thread, your feelings are just as important as anyone else’s.
You can and will cope. I promise you. I felt exactly the same with DH and because you love your DH you will do all you can for him. Yes you will feel exhausted because emotion drains you.
Why don’t you drop your DIl a text message and write exactly what you did here. That you don’t want to force yourself on her but do sympathise and would like to help her if you can. My DILs have been a big help to me.
Pathetic, of course you’re not pathetic. You are concerned, worried about the man you love. That’s not being pathetic that’s caring.
I’m so sorry, all my moaning has probably made you feel more anxious and bad. I hope you continue to say how you’re feeling otherwise we can’t support you. I hope you get some answers about your DH but you’re doing all you can.
nadateturbe wondering how you’ve been today.

Sweet pea sue I sympathise with you feeling rubbish because I have been so low since weekend with dd. I’ve also realised that if I don’t arrange to see friends they don’t bother.
I’ve been walking, sitting in cafes and using self checkout so I don’t have to talk to anyone. Eating too much but trying to cut down on drinking. Only buying wine not spirits. I’m a bit of a mess just now. Sorry can’t comment on posts.

Ellie Anne we all care. Sorry you’re so down at the moment.
HVDY glad your pain is a little easier. Have a lovely trip to Bourton in the Water, I’ve been there it’s lovely.

HVDY Thankyou so much. I know you care . Yes, I am coping , good to remind me and for me to remember. Guess I'm afraid of slipping.
I can understand you not wanting surgery. I'll Google that Labral tear later but it's better to have conservative treatment first and it will be so worthwhile if a steroid injection can help. D H had one for his back that was successful so they can work sometimes.
Really hope you have a good trip tomorrow .Not heard of Bourton on water but it will be good for you to be with company . Take care.
Doodle Oh so frustrating the DWP call. Honestly , why can't these places get it right for people who are vulnerable and bereaved. Beggars belief. No wonder you were so upset . You just want back you lovely DH - enough to cope with.
Please don't think your posts upset me. I would not be human if I didn't feel moved by your honesty about how you feel. I don't want you to think you can't come in and say it how it is. It's hard to imagine how much it's all taken out of you -all your DHs illness and fighting for him. I only understand a small part but you understand me and how things can be.
I've texted my DIL and said I'm here or can go to her after work any time. I didn't want to push it but she knows so I'm glad I've done all I can. I'm just so sorry that my son and her are going to have to cope with so much sadness early in their marriage. That's what marriage is isn't it. DILs happy I can take her dog Thursdays and Fridays ( her mum will find it difficult for dog walking ect) and DIL works from home Mondays. That leaves her.mum , who loves the little dog and enjoys its company, 2dys a week to be with her.
Thankyou Doodle for your words. You really are a kind lady. Hope you sleep.

Wishing all BDs a peaceful night.

Have had a quick scan. Thinking of you all. So many problems to cope with. Life is not kind sometimes. And we just have to koko - something I learnt from BD.
Sending hugs and love to everyone. Sorry I haven't answered questions. Can't do much with screens atm.
Hope and praying for a good night for all.xx

Nadateturbe I hear you. Please don't worry. We understand when you can't come in. Hoping things can improve for you soon. X
EllieAnne I really do understand the eating too much. I feel disgusted with myself. I've put on 1 and a half stone in the last Yr and am heaviest I've ever been since pregnancy. I feel gross. I'm really sorry your DD hasn't been in touch. I understand your need for help in such a situation and I so hope that your family appreciates your caring soon. Care for yourself EllieAnne. You are worth it. Love x

Sorry it’s a bad patch, Whiff I have missed you on here.

This heat definitely takes away any energy one has, Scaredycat, it’s dispiriting. Hope the the

I’m glad you and DH are doing what you can together, Sweetpeasue Lots of worries for you, not surprising you feel as you do when it totally gets on top of things. I hope it’s a positive experience with the Rheumatologist.

Warm wave for you Hairspray

Nice to hear about the coffee and cake and meal out HVDY. Hope the pain has been bearable. So hope you can walk about tomorrow on your trip.

The crying and the reminders Doodle not surprising it’s been a very tough day, and yes *Whiff *describes it very poignantly.

I’m glad you came in EllieAnne..dont feel bad not commenting. And nadateturbe just glad you made it in.

Same crawling through the day. OH I wish I could magic my awful neglected garden get the windows cleaned (been 1.5 years), electric wrong indoors..hair needs doing…no desire or energy to make anything much happen until a crisis, which I had this morning over my computer not working properly.
Sorted it by accident but totally rely on it for being in touch with people. Exhausting. Have to wash, have to brush teeth, have to comb hair....
Dentists first thing tomorrow….

Yes its only in here we can say, I cant koko but we “hear it”

Love to BD’s both in and reading xx

Hi all.
SweetPeaSue- I am sorry you are feeling so bad- your certainly have a lot on your plate. But you DO cope despite everything- you are such a courageous person in your own quiet way. Of course you will sometimes feel it is all too much but your strength shines through and you cope.
You were wise to text your DiL - as you say it is a lot for her to deal with in these early days of their marriage . It’s amazing though what human beings can bear even when it seems unbearable. She will be pleased to know you are there for her and your Son will too as he is offshore. It sounds like the little dog is a well loved member of the family.
I do hope todays meeting with the Rheumatologist answers many questions for you and DH. Thinking of you.
Nadateturbe- glad to see you hear if only for a moment. You are right life can be cruel but it can also be wonderful. We can help each other to KOKO and make the most of each day as best we can.
EllieAnne- A little bit of weight gain is so much better than not eating! You are too hard on yourself- if you cut yourself off from people it won’t help you. I seem to remember you met a new friend a few weeks ago whose company you enjoyed- she might be lonely too.
Sending you a friendly hug.
Doodle- yesterday must have worn you out. How can such companies be so stupid and uncaring? Having to keep making phone calls and constantly having to repeat information about DH is such a hard thing to do. I remember having to repeat my story over and over until I thought my head would explode.
Yes it is hard seeing my Son so infrequently but FT brings his dear face into our house.
The AF tiredness was magnified by such hot weather but today is much better. Went to dentist and hygienist this morning- don’t know how we stand the excitement!!
HVDY- I do hope you,ve been able to enjoy Bourton on the Water - it’s so pretty isn’t it. Like a real life picture postcard.
I,ve just Googled “labral tear” what a nasty thing to have happened. Did you used to play any Sports when you were younger? I don’t blame you for not wanting surgery but at least there are other treatments that may help- or have you tried most of them. I guess that resting in the quiet times will help as much as anything.
Wyllow- ah crawling through the day is so descriptive.
Is it not possible to get someone to help you arrange a garden firm to tidy up your garden ? It might only take a team a day or 2 and may lift your spirits- ditto the window cleaner.
Well done for being an accidental IT genius. I panic if I get in a muddle with technology.😩
Hope you got on ok at the dentist- not the best fun on the world but yours sounded nice.
Take care Wyllow- we’re all here for you.
Hairspray- hope you’re doing ok today
Love to all regulars, new visitors and anyone feeling worried or sadxx

Wyllow Aw computer playing up or packing in is all you need right now. It's your main contact with the outside world so well done for getting it up and running again. Such a long list there of things to do and it makes you feel tired just thinking about them all.
I hope you coped OK at the dentist's that's one thing out of the way.
I hope you will tell carer again how you are and you get another one soon. I wondered if your medication isn't working as well as it should. Thankyou it was a positive experience with Rheumatologist- lovely man. Hope you have a better day today- it will be a big thing going to the dentist.
HVDY Have looked up Bourton on the Water and it looks such a pretty place so I hope you've been OK today walking around. Also looked up Labral Tear and seems it's a tear or tears in tissue between the ball and socket of hip. Sounds so painful for you so hope you can manage without the surgery.
EllieAnne Your walking, sitting in cafes alone sounds so sad and lonely. Perhaps friends haven't Bern in touch more because of the holidays, either having one themselves or being needed for childcare. I hope things will be better for you when the holidays are over. Has your DD been in touch since your visit? (Dont need to answer that if too personal). Thankyou for your sympathy and I'm so sorry about your situation I really am. Sending you a hug .
Scaredycat Such kind thoughtful posts to everyone. I hope your AF hasnt been as bad today , it's certainly been cooler here. Thankyou for thinking of me today. The appt went well and we were in with him an hr. The biopsy didn't show GCA though he thinks it's also because DH has been taking steroids and he still thinks it is as the head pain has improved somewhat with the raised dose.

Hope everyone's day has been OK .

Rheumatologist did so many examinations of DH and we were in with him an hr. He must take the steroids and taper down so he will be on them for quite a long time. Rheumatologist does not think it's Carpal Tunnel prob returned (as GP believes) but the pain in his arm , hand, fingers and tingling is because of the blood flow not getting through narrowed artery and causing what he called Subclavian Steal Syndrome. He listened to arteries in neck with stethoscope. DH will get another appt in 3mths time to check on head pain with the steroids but the artery business is Vascular which is not his forte. All this hand pain is so bad and it's coming from the narrowed artery and Subclavian Steal. I'm just so worried.
My son asked if we wanted to join them - they're taking away his MIL to Ribblesdale and staying in a lodge in a couple of weeks.Thought it might do DH and I good and we've booked a lodge a couple of days ago but really I'm worried about the whole thing now. DH not right and I'd need to drive and knee not right.

Oh dear enough complaining for now. I'm just so worried. Don't understand how DH can be left with these risks for so long.

Love to all BDs and those reading with troubles. (Hairspray- hope you're coping) x

Sweetpeasue i think you did the right thing with your DIL.
I’ve had a reasonable day today. Church this morning. Such lovely people. This afternoon took other grandma to the Hospice for tea and cake. Very pleasant afternoon and we managed to avoid the torrential rain later.
Glad you got to see the rheumatologist. What’s the plan regarding the vascular team? Have you got an appointment with them? You need to push this one, if there’s narrowing of arteries they’re the people to help.
With regard to the Lodge. Is it far for you to travel? Might be relaxing for you both if you’re not expected to do too much.
Sending you a hug. I know you’re worried but you are doing all you can.
Nadateturbe don’t worry, it’s enough to know you are ok. Just koko and we will be here thinking of you.
Wyllow are you keeping how bad you feel from your family? I just wondered because I thought perhaps your son could help arrange someone to help with your garden, your windows and your electrics. Glad you fixed your computer I’d be lost without mine.
Scaredycat the heat does affect many of us so much. I feel more stressed when it’s so hot. Hope the dentist and hygienist went ok. I just go soon. Been cooler today. Have you been out or in the garden?
HvDY hope you’ve arrived safely and are enjoying your stay. Hope the pain stays away and you enjoy your holiday.

Hello everyone,
Just wanting to keep in touch and hoping that you are all OK. I am reading through the whole of this forum slowly.
Again I would like to thank you all for your support. It has meant a lot over the past couple of days.
I will keep in touch and wish you all well.
Thank you

Doodle I'm glad you had a better day today. All that hassle you had yesterday must have almost driven you mad. It was just a day trip, we got home at 7.30. Made a nice change, thanks. I'm glad the weather is cooler, aren't you?

Nadateturbe Hope you can koko, even though life isn't easy for many people. We all care.

EllieAnne Although you don't feel like being sociable with others, it's not good to isolate yourself. As humans, we all need company, even if it's just one other person sometimes. What about the new friend you made at church?

SweetpeaSue If the Rheumatologist doesn't deal with arteries, is he going to ask someone who does? I think a short break away with your son etc., will do you and your husband some good. Is it far? Could you get a coach there?

ScaredyCat I've never been sporty and didn't have this problem until the end of April. It started after an aqua aerobics session , doing about 50 "Tuck jumps". The 1st Physio insisted it's Arthritis, told me to continue with the aquafit. He was wrong. Going to the dentist these days can be expensive as many places aren't taking on NHS patients. (my sons and their partners can't get in anywhere and can't afford to go private, luckily they have all got lovely teeth for now).

Wyllow3 Well done on getting your computer to work. I'd be lost without ours (I like to use an actual desktop one). Hope you have a better today tomorrow and manage to get out with your MH worker.

Had a pleasant day out, although 4 hours of sitting on a coach to get there (we had to pick up people in Derby and Nottingham city centre) was too much. We had a lovely cream tea, then mooched around the shops and cafes, as well as an interesting motor and toy museum. The place is very pretty. Have had a lot of pain all day, but will have an early night. Hope ALL BDers have a restful night x