I think my adult daughter has BorderlinePersonalit y Disorder and

We haven't discussed yet but I came along to one a few years ago so I hope so. As importantly I want her husband there. This is affecting their relationship

My Sister born in 1949 z(now passed)wasnt diagnosed with BPD until well in her 60s..My Mum felt she was attention seeking ...Although I am some 16years younger I felt I was more understanding.😢

You know your daughter better than anyone! A GP once said that to me any info I could add was helpful to him making an accurate diagnosis, as a mother knows their child better than anyone.. same applies I would say. Good luck.

Pianokey

We haven't discussed it yet but I did go along to a previous appointment a few years ago when a different issue was discussed so I hope so,also that her husband can come. After all he sees her on a daily basis and it's affecting their relationship

My daughter's husband went to counselling because he was struggling with my daughter. The Counsellor convinced him he was dealing with coercive control and he decided to end the marriage. Fortunately he also insisted my daughter sought help and once he found out what the problem really was, he decided to stay. Although things are far from perfect, it really helps the partner to understand that it is a mental health issue rather than somebody being just a difficult person.

A member of the wider family had BPD (now deceased). It is extremely difficult to deal with and typically not diagnosed for many years. For a good insight into the biological and psychological components of BPD, I recommend Prof. Simon Baron Cohen's Zero Degrees of Empathy
www.amazon.co.uk/s?ref=nb_sb_ss_ts-doa-p_1_44&crid=15BBOQLK7MBQ3&sprefix=zero+degrees+of+empathy+by+simon+baron-cohen%2Caps%2C146&k=zero+degrees+of+empathy+by+simon+baron-cohen&tag=gransnetforum-21
It is not the case that all people with BPD have suffered abuse in childhood, although some have. There are brain differences as shown in fMRI testing and cognitive testing.

It's too easy to look at symptoms on the Internet and become convinced that they totally apply to us (or someone we know). Your daughter's doctors are the people who 'll know your daughter's personal condition best, rather than a general symptoms guide on a website. Will you be going with her to the appointment? If so, you could share your concerns with the specialist (or write them down and hand them to him/her unobtrusively if you think your daughter would be upset by hearing you both talking over her head. I think you have to bear in mind that she's an adult and, as far as the doctors are concerned, her medical details are her own private business. It's worrying for you as her mother, but doctors have to abide by privacy rules so, frustrating though it is, you may never get to know everything there is to know about her condition. Very difficult for you, I hope you can get some peace of mind in all this.

Thank you everyone . I've been thinking about what you wrote and am so grateful.
Yes, there may be other conditions to diagnose. The GP I spoke to today made me aware of this. Autism is a possibility and her Binge Eating has already been diagnosed and treated (not totally successfully).
I feel reassured now that I can get my observations of my daughter across to the psychiatrist one way or another. I don't want to risk disrupting the relationship my daughter has with the psych so may not go in with her. I'll talk to her about this obviously. I am just so keen to share my knowledge. I'll find a way. I've read about the background to Borderline Personality Disorder and am genuinely disturbed to learn about the link with childhood trauma. We are an ordinary middle class family, and have provided stability and security for both our children. Her unhappiness as an adolesscent came from struggling at school due to undiagnosed dyslexia. It affected her confidence very badly and things got worse after that. Also Binge Eating which I know does go along with BPD. This has been a very serious issue for her and we paid for her to have residential treatment for 6 weeks.
I read about dialectical therapy today. I fear that IF she is offered something like this she will not put in the commitment because she seems tobe so down on herself that she doesn't believe she can succeed. I am painting the worst picture here. Sometimes she shows great courage so I must stay open.
I certainly do want to let the professionals do their job. I've just got concerns that they may not get to the heartof the issue becuase my daughter isn't vey self aware and actually forgets terrible times that she has been through.
But bit by bit I hope we can help her to make progress.
I was so moved by your own accounts. So along with thanking you for taking the time to write, I just want to send you my warmest wishes and huge understanding for what you are going through. I sometimes feel that no one could ever understand the pain, worry, stress, despair and sadness we have experienced over 20 years on behalf of our beautiful daughter.
I would love (for my friends' sake!) to say that things are better, finally, and my daughter is now OK but it's a never ending 'story' and it's too much to burden even my incredible friends with.

Thank you for coming back. Yes, ask your daughter what and how you can share, that way trust stays. All the best.

I formerly worked in mental health and can say from experience family at appointment can be problematic. To be honest they will be often be expected to pick up the pieces if it goes wrong but their I put often skews the appointment. Writing to the professionals with your observation (keep it short) can help. Tell your daughter what you are doing.
Secondly, the term personality disorder upset many patients. They thing that says the problem is them, not an illness. Be careful.

My adult daughter was diagnosed with BPD many years ago. There is no treatment, nor does she think she needs any. She can be quite hateful at times and has a very selective memory. I wish you luck, because with or without a diagnosis or treatment, it is a hard problem to live with, not only for the sufferer, but for their family too.

Fflaurie

My adult daughter was diagnosed with BPD many years ago. There is no treatment, nor does she think she needs any. She can be quite hateful at times and has a very selective memory. I wish you luck, because with or without a diagnosis or treatment, it is a hard problem to live with, not only for the sufferer, but for their family too.

I think the hardest thing about BPD is getting the person affected to seek help. This is so real. They really don't think there is anything wrong with them and are often completely unaware of the impact their erratic behaviour has on others, but particularly their familes.

I have sought it for years, but there is zero help out there for families keeping their loved ones safe from themselves and others.

It is a constant almost daily worry that many people wouldn't be able to comprehend.

Cambsnan I thank you for your professional input because it is my experience that the families concerns and needs are totally disregarded in these situations. It led to the breakdown of my marriage but I can't divorce my son and now I know what his issues are, I wouldn't want to.

People are forced to seek explanations from where they can. We have been up so many false trails that didn't fit any profile. So dismissing people who diagnose this condition by means of the inter-net is not helpful. Many who do so are realising it fits the profile of their loved ones behaviour they have noticed wasn't right for years.

Personally, I have found it empowering and liberating to realise this is what my ex-husband's problems were, and how it has passed onto my son.

Labelling isn't always that helpful in the real world though. I read recently of a newly diagnosed BPD woman who has found it hard to find work and access other services because of her diagnosis.

There is still massive misunderstanding of many psychiatric conditions out there and only by bringing people's real experiences will we ever be able to move forward.

I fear this may take some time...the professionals really need to listen to the families because often it takes a real crisis to get help and that just isn't good enough.

keepingquiet, T'internet is a valuable place for families trying to find answers but it can also cloud the issue. It can also make the professionals dismissive if they think you are trying to do their job! I do agree though that with these types of things, it is very hard to get help. We started with my daughter when she was 9 but she was in her late 30's before she even saw the Mental Health Services as an adult. Every step of the way the Mental Health Services put up barriers and my daughter caved at each and every one of them. The more she felt unheard, the worse she got. Once she was diagnosed with BPD, pretty much everything stopped even though her life is shutting down with her condition. So, yes, you are quite right, professionals really need to listen carefully and look at the whole picture. At the moment it seems that the only way you'll get help is if you are actually trying to commit suicide and even then that is patchy.

The friend I know has accepted her diagnosis and does get some symptomatic relief from medication. I realise that's just one experience amongst many, I only wanted to add it as I thought that it might help O/P.

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icanhandthemback

keepingquiet, T'internet is a valuable place for families trying to find answers but it can also cloud the issue. It can also make the professionals dismissive if they think you are trying to do their job! I do agree though that with these types of things, it is very hard to get help. We started with my daughter when she was 9 but she was in her late 30's before she even saw the Mental Health Services as an adult. Every step of the way the Mental Health Services put up barriers and my daughter caved at each and every one of them. The more she felt unheard, the worse she got. Once she was diagnosed with BPD, pretty much everything stopped even though her life is shutting down with her condition. So, yes, you are quite right, professionals really need to listen carefully and look at the whole picture. At the moment it seems that the only way you'll get help is if you are actually trying to commit suicide and even then that is patchy.

It is a pretty bad state of affairs when people have to attempt to take their own lives to get help but it is the way.

I worked in young people's mental health services and one of my clients had to wait months for a CAMHS referral.

A few weeks later I was told my client had taken an overdose and had been admitted to hospital where she was assigned a CAMHS worker. The young lady later told me she had exaggerated how many pills she had taken and hadn't overdosed at all but she got the attention and the support she needed!
What a crazy system.

My son has never suffered from depression so has never attempted suicide. Depression is a mental illness not a personality disorder.

It is me that has been offered the medication and had to resort to counselling as a means of dealing with his condition- it is a known fact that family members of those with BPD are more likely to seek help from mental health services than those who actually have a personality disorder.

keepingquiet

He has had more jobs than hot dinners. He has never claimed benefits and neither have I- maybe we're lucky.

He presently works for himself doing gardening work and makes up his wage delivering for Amazon.

Today I had to sub him money because he needs food and petrol- he hasn't had much gardening work during the winter due to the weather but has not been accepted for universal credit- I think due to his living with me.

He smashed up the car I paid for and now needs a van that I will have to pay for again otherwise he won't earn anything. Just now he is using my car so I am restricted where I can go.

Welcome to my world; constant chaos and just above the poverty line...

Living with you will not stop him getting
UC or PIP. I urge him to reapply with some assistance. It may with with UC, his meagre income exceeds the allowance but PIP is not means tested

Depression is a mental illness not a personality disorder.

Indeed but a lot of people with BPD suffer with depression brought on by the problems associated with their condition and this often muddies the waters. We have an absolutely crazy system and once the diagnosis has been made, the sufferer of BPD is seen as being manipulative so help is slow to come.

He won't be able to claim PIP. He's physically fit and works hard, he just can't keep a job. In his present work he has been there a year which is very good going for him.

As for UC- he hits a brick wall everytime so although I tell him to try he has no trust in the system, so I think he's given up.

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My son has always worked. Some his jobs have been quite good ones but he can never stay in them- citing all sorts of reasons for leaving. He has never stayed in one for longer than about two years, but some have lasted a few days.

He also didn't make it through Uni- so at least your daughter has qualifications.

My son is approaching 40- so his track record isn't good and he finds it harder and harder to find work that pays more than minimum wage. It is an ever decreasing circle. I worry a lot about his future employment chances. but now he works partly for himself which is better for him.

Sometimes it is beyond sad that it serms such a waste.

Thank you all again. The ever changing jobs is definitely an issue with my daughter. She takes against a person or organisation or feels overwhelmed when asked to take a further step within her role, e g training, take on more responsibility. She has only ever had minimum wage caring/retail jobs .
Three days ago I happened to sit next to a retired psychiatrist and she said she would always welcome input from family members as it helped her build a picture . She suggested a one page brief bullet point summary, making clear these are observations of ours (me and husband) This seems like advice I can follow.
I have no idea what the future holds. I do wonder if my daughter will accept such a diagnosis if if does come.
I just feel I want to try everything. I am encouraged to read here that medication and therapy has worked in some cases. The therapy that might be discussed is dialectical therapy. This is very hard work I understand and daughter’s track record when it comes to this type of thing is not great.
I will try to stay positive.

Thank you Wyllow3.

We are another family with an adult who has BPD. I share the feelings and experiences discussed here. It’s treading egg shells to avoid volcanic explosions, it’s the way nothing is ever their responsibility, it’s exhausting, undermining and desperately sad

keepingquiet

He won't be able to claim PIP. He's physically fit and works hard, he just can't keep a job. In his present work he has been there a year which is very good going for him.

As for UC- he hits a brick wall everytime so although I tell him to try he has no trust in the system, so I think he's given up.

Sorry to disagree, but you can be physically fit, in work and still qualify for PIP if your mental health has an impact on your daily life.

Iam64

We are another family with an adult who has BPD. I share the feelings and experiences discussed here. It’s treading egg shells to avoid volcanic explosions, it’s the way nothing is ever their responsibility, it’s exhausting, undermining and desperately sad

I feel your pain, as I’m sure others do.

We have a long history within our family of mental health conditions and other additional needs.

A few suicides and MiL with paranoid schizophrenia.

3 adult children (out of 5) all their 20’s, still living at home,

Daughter with BPD (diagnosed), daughter with ASD (diagnosed) son with all manner of issues he doesn’t recognised or admit too, only diagnosed with anxiety and given anti-depressants.

Our household is not a peaceful, calm place and hence DH and I purchased a static caravan a year ago and escape together to it most weekends to “recharge”