BLACK DOG 25

Allsorts* - note, its Dylon pre-dye, not Dygon, to remove th colour.

nadateturbe I shared the same doctor as an elderly friend. when she started talking about not wanting to live I rung our GP and shared the information. I didn't say what should be done etc. It was allowed in that way, I dont know about consent forms, tbh better to send a letter and see if its Ok, than make enquiries, and be turned down?

Good night all, tried, U tube will be another day.

Here's the U tube for tonight

I hope you dance

www.youtube.com/watch?v=RV-Z1YwaOiw&list=RDzerJVmOc-v0&index=6

I walked by myself. Since my activities finished I am mostly on my own. I could arrange to meet someone for a coffee but I’d have to pretend because people don’t understand my situation. I have agreed to meet someone next week and I know it will be difficult.

Perhaps you could keep the conversation "light" - I now this may sound trite when your feelings are so unhappy, but chat about everyday things - yes even the weather, what you've been buying food wise recently, ask "light" questions, "how are you managing your garden with this drought - I'm worried about a hose ban" "thats a nice blouse, it suits you".

Never be dishonest, but avoid that which stirs up feelings that feel unbearable. If asked about family, again just dont go in deep eg re DD "she's not having too good atm, we prefer to WhatsApp" - dont be drawn into deeper.

Its far from trivial - if its human contact that is a bearable sort, it is very valuable?

Yes Wyllow that’s what I try to do with most people. But sometimes I let something slip . It’s hard being on guard all the time. Because I can’t cry any more there is no chance of breaking down.
Just looking round my bedroom and thinking how messy it is.
I will tidy up then going to town to the library and chemist and maybe a coffee in Costa.
I hope everyone has as good a day as possible.

Oh, I do know what you mean, Ellie Anne. At the moment, for different reasons of course, it's the same here.

( For me, being high, lacking judgment, go in, too fast, too deep, for you, confidence, unhappiness, and self doubt getting in the way...what a pair we are!)

I'm doing just that. and it is hard work, sort of self checking "as it happens". Worth a go, maybe. Practice and all that?

Today's plan sounds like a good one. All the best getting through that door at Costa.

Its my day to go to the Botanical Gardens with my carer, I think I will actually wear a dress.

Love your music Wyllow3. Great words last one. Will make a playlist.
Cantdo screen for long atm, hopefully post later.

I have been through and am still in a major crisis but there is light:

"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.

I cracked. Long story short; the urge to find out how Ex is doing now (and how would any person with a heart not want to know, after All -

- as I've said, led to me contacting Ex's last "good" buddy from school days -

-who reported to me, "he has always had a twinkle, even in the worst times" (tho this is not strictly true as he has has suicide attempts), but is what his friend has been allowed to know -

- and impelled me to want to take som kind of action, to basically find out that fundamental point - has the light returned - or not -

to me thinking up a plan that my CPN thought was OK, to get up under the very safest of places, with someone with me, ie close enough to intervene but not to hear -

-but last night this triggered a sudden despair, which I managed to soothe the while, but in fact only slept for 5 hours, and could not eat -

- this morning I rung a possible place up (its a drop in centre for refugees and other marginalised people and I knew he had been going) - but it wasn't suitable -

-waiting anxiously but wanting to talk it over with my carer, in the expectation it would help the despair -

- we talked it over, but no change in my underlying meed, for when she dropped me off at home I rapidly descended in to a major panic attack and then images of plastic bags (the time long ago when it tried to use them to end my life), first of all of course I used every single coping strategy I had -

- It not working, I rung the crisis team and asked politely ie not actually showing the state I was in: I was told that a CPN (whom I know, was positive about) would ring me back in 15 mins-

-but he didnt. (abandonment!)

- then it happened. I was overwhelmed for the first time I can recall in my life (since I have always fought it off, always, a swell of dizzy grief and loss like being in a rough sea, lifted high but terrified on a huge wave -

- ^I knew it for what it was - all the not grieving ready to crush me in the waves, yet knowing I had a surfboard when I got the call -

I re-rung the office, and they said the CPN had been triaging - ie I was low down the list because of my apparent calm politeness -and I did freak out this time -

- it was a long - maybe 45 mins? call and we went through it all
..my dad's dying and me shedding no tears, instead going a bit manic...this repeated pattern, again and again - all my life, tho mild at times - depression is followed by a high, but I over do the trying to escape loss....then drop into another depression as I haven't escaped loss...again and again-

-^which of course is the bi polar swing^....

This time I have, somehow, let the waves of never grieving through on a high, and have the chance to do what I must, which is to let myself experience grief, to listen to music that expresses it and so on -

- because I want to work through it, I will not escape more cycles, but have the chance of my own lifetime to ameliorate them

Now I feel calmer but exhausted, needing to share before I curl up.

To those here who have grieved or are grieving, thank you, because it helps. I know about the theory of grief - in my time have counselled people as qualified -

This, is doing it, with a lot of support because my support people know what is going on.

Thank you for being there, as I know you are.

PS, dont let this scare you off posting, its still the same Wyllow : I should have made clear that the "flip side" of what happened is the opportunity it offers, a moment of clarity, however painful and scary, and either help I have handled much worse.

I've done something good, booked a holiday, quite a long way away, so I have something not, soon to look forward too - as its near lovely beaches, and I miss the sea of very much.

"with help" not either help.

Wyllow Yes , we are here.
No won der you're feeling so exhausted. There's a tremendous amount of mental activity going on in your head . All I can suggest is to relax right now and just 'be' . You've done a lot of analysis there with your CPN and it will leave you so very tired. Ironically , once you start to figure certain things out it can set off a whole lot more questions and .ore mental activity.
I'm glad you made that crisis call as you sounded quite desperate.
Thankyou for your suggestions . I didn't even know one could email a GP . I'm sitting tight at present and will go with DH and wait until after Spirometry test and CT scan.
Beautiful words to that
song . I think there was an analogy in the bible about a broken vessel meaning the same but I can't remember.

I hardly slept at all last night so really tired. I still went to last week of book group .
Sorry can't write more but I really appreciate your suggestions and reassurance. Peaceful night to all.x

Sweetpeasue I would go with Wyllows idea and write your concerns re your husbands health clearly and precisely. Make mention of the times they’ve changed or queried diagnosis. Send it by email to your GP. Another thing is to make an appointment for yourself with a Gp to discuss the effect this is having on your well-being, keep copies of your email . I can understand you DH wanting to wait for the test results but I also know how scared you are and how hard you’ve been trying to help him. I think writing to the GP about your concerns is a good move.
Ellie Anne again like Wyllow said just keep the conversation light. There may seem no point but meeting people and talking is good for us. I have lost count of the times I have sat and talked with people thinking what am I doing here or why am I doing this. The answer is we need to be with others. Maybe your light chat will help someone else. Walking on your own can be lovely but left alone with your thoughts all the time may not be the best thing.
Dear Wyllow what a night. I hope you feel calmer now. I hope this hasn’t set you back and you can sleep well tonight.
There is no right or wrong with grief. It is what it is.
nadateturbe thank you for your kind thoughts. Hope you are doing ok.
HVDY your vented sales are doing well. Do you make a profit over what you have bought and sold.
Scaredycat hope you got on well at the hairdresser yesterday and they didn’t hurt your head,
Quiet day for me today just church and jigsaw,

Scaredycat I hope the hairdresser didn't hurt you and you got through your appointment, and have nice hair now. You'll need to take it easy, we're due some very hot weather. I like the sun, but not the heat, it's much too draining.
My DH has unrepeatable names for the pigeons too!
HVDY did you have a nice day with LG?. I bet you're collapsed on the settee now recovering. Perhaps with a cold cloth on your legs! An early night needed maybe, but I'm sure you enjoyed your time with LG.
8Sweetpeasue*, it's awful having to rush to the loo like that when youre out. It must make you nervous. I do feel for you, so much to cope with. And worrying about your DH will exacerbate your own problems. I don't know the policy where you are but my husband and I have both signed forms to have access to each others records and when we go to an appointment we can sit in with each other and the GP will talk to us both.
It's a good idea to tell them how you feel, and the effect worrying has on you in a letter perhaps. I think for them to discuss anything about your DH's health, you would need his written permission. I do hope your feeling less tearful today. gving you a big hug.
Just read Doodle's post. I think an email is a good idea, because then you have it on record.
Doodle It's nice to get to church, I hope it gave you some comfort and peace. Jigsaws are a great way to relax and distract yourself. We go through a lot of them. Our library has a table where you can bring one and take one, which is a great idea. And they always have one on the go on another table that people can have a go at.
Have you something planned for tomorrow? I agree with what you say about company. We do need others. It helps us physically and mentally.
Ellie Anne I can't add anything to the good advice you've been given. I hope you manage to meet and enjoy the chat. I hate how activities stop during summer. My art group stops but we agreed to meet for coffee a cople of times over the break.

I got out to meet friends from art today!! This may not seem like much but I have had vary little social interaction since early April. I had actually gone to a counsellor because I was so fed up with being ill and not getting out. and it was becoming a vicious circle.
I had to really force myself to go, I was actually a bit nervous after so long. And I have to say being on here recently helped me to do that. We met at a little cafe beside a beach. And had a lovely cheerful time.
I'll probably be exhausted tomorrow, but it was worth it.

Wise words, Doodle, to me, and to Sweetpeasue to make an appointment for wellbeing. Doctors know caring can be a strain, and after all you have gone to them for the referral to the psychologist.

I just know the system well enough Sweetpeasue to know when and how to get the attention - it doesnt always work out, its a lottery as to who phones in and who you get as they triage calls and if they are very busy someone worse than you might need it..

The church is at the heart of it all Doodle, it’s a really really good one.
As will Quakers when I get back to them

nadateturbe - it simply feels very good you are “Back In” atm. - I always feel that way when “sometimes poster” come in. But it’s always OK to “come and go”.

Not surprisingly (today was the crisis Sweetpeasue - between about 11 and 4.30pm.)…
.
…afterwards I swung to a high, but actually (as well as doing a bit too much, but tidying and sorting does feel productive)…I can’t actually stop the floods of ideas, it just happens all the time, until I am weller, all I can do is try to be discerning.

I made amongst floods of “ideas” two very good moves.

I booked at Hotel on the N Yorks coast for October for 3 nights, I have been there on my own 2 times before and know and love the area so very much, by October I feel confident its OK, but will take out insurance. I long so much for the sea.

The second thing was that I was chasing up a Quaker up as she had proposed a lunch meeting but not followed up. I had to ring another quaker for her number, who is the Quaker on the door on Sunday so I said’ might come” and she told me about some changes and how one elderly Quaker was getting on.

This little meeting is a bit of a band of eccentrics which of course I will fit into fine.
They had been thinking of me all the time, and I thought I’d lost them. I’ve also eaten, had virtually nothing all day as that happens when I am in distress. Others eat more, some eat less.

I want to think of just the right U tube, but might forget…

In case I don’t come in, I am wishing BD’s posting atm or just reading the best night, especially if last night has been a bad one.

Wyllow3 what an awful time you've been having. I hope you feeling calmer tonight. Its nice to know your Quaker friends had been thinking about you, and you'renotforgotten.
That's a good idea to book a little break to look forward to. I can see the sea at the bottom of my street, sometimes we take things for granted.
Thanks for your kind words.
I hope you have a better more peaceful sleep tonight. x

Thank you for being around.

We'll see, I think almost certainly will sleep better, after all that emotion, I got 5 hours last night.

Wyllow3 What a lot of things happening with you. I'm glad you managed to speak with a MH person. I hope you're now calmer. I'm so pleased you're enjoying life at the moment. A holiday booked! Re-connecting with your Quaker friends, and wearing a dress . You're doing so very well.

SweetpeaSue I once emailed the Manager of our GP surgery, when I felt nobody was doing enough to investigate the cough my husband had for months. Things started moving after that (although the cough went eventually).

nadateturbe I'm glad you managed to get out and have a nice time with your friends. Sometimes, going out after noit doing so for some time can be daunting, but worth the effort when it turns out well.

EllieAnne I'm sorry you're still so sad. Would you ever consider ringing a helpline, anonymously, to get all your feelings out?

DH and I had a very full day with LG yesterday. We went to a great place called Sundown Adventureland, about an hour from us (we took our boys when they were little but it's much bigger and better now). She loved it and was on the go for a solid 6 hours! We had a picnic for lunch. Got home at 5.30, had a quick drink and went to the pub for dinner. She played in the garden, then was picked up at 9pm! Lovely, but tiring day. Love to all x

Doodle No, I haven't yet made a profit - I've bought a lot of things (about 12 dresses, 8 tops). I've sold 21 items, got another 23 up for sale. Hope you have a good day today x

HVDY successful day. Where do children get the energy to keep going so long!?
I agree about speaking to the manager I have on occasion asked to speak to the practice manager when I'm not happy about something. Or feel I am being fobbed off by a receptionist, it does make a difference
Hope you have a more restful time planned for today. . You're doing well on Vinted. I have a look sometimes but I find it difficult to narrow the search down enough.

I’m glad to see you in HVDY as I missed yesterday. And thank you, for the hotel and Quakers were spot on positives not “manic” ones. I am still rather scared as yesterday wha so big, but my psychologist is ringing mr for 15 min chat this morning, I asked, as needing reassurance I can cope.

I’d glad you too mentioned emailing the surgery for *Sweetpeasue” - a warning, they do take sometimes 3 ish days to respond, sometimes a bit more, so don’t think they are ignoring you if you get no reply that same day.

Sundown Adventureland sounds what we’d say at that age as “smashing”!

You must have both been pretty tired out - what a lovely time “gran” (or are you “Nan”? gives LG - and family.
I hope you’ll make a profit one day, but it must be so much fun.

BTW, wanted to mention on grief Doodle as you say everyone is unique, but my lifelong problem has been I have been unable to feel it lifelong.

So this was a sort of breakthrough you see.

I never cried, although at least I did and do let myself feel sad. I think I recall Scaredycat writing on it, I might be wrong. But to be healthy -you do have to feel the depths. X

I'm so glad Wyllow that you're having an appt with psychologist today.
I hope today is much better than yesterday for you. So much is happening for you right now and you're overwhelmed with it all.

Will talk more later.
Nadateturbe I'm so sorry that you have been ground down by your illness and it's good you managed to seek counselling. You always have such kind posts to everyone.

Can't talk now but back later.
DH has just gone to collect Fluff so need to get ready.
Thankyou all for your help.x

Hi all
Nadateturbe- Hardresser was fine thank you. So pleased to have hair short for the next bout of heat we’ve been promised.
So happy you had a get together with your Art friends and with a beach too. So lovely to have the sea so close.Its essential if possible to keep the social side going when term finishes . I still see my Art friends from ages ago.Yes it’s worth it - rest up now ready for another adventure.
Wyllow- What a very emotional time you,ve had but its like a big black cloud then the heavens opened and it all poured out. Being able to talk it out too was invaluable.
Yes 2 good moves- a holiday to look forward to. The beach and the sea is the most healing environment for me personally- the wilder and more empty the better.What a wonderful thing you have done.
I like too the thought of your Quaker friends who will be so happy to have you with them again- you can always start with a shorter visit.
You’re right I can’t cry but cry inside . I wish I could my Sis is the opposite.It is so much more healing to release the tears and as you say feel the depths.
You have dealt with this crisis ina very rational and brave way- Wyllow you are amazing.
HVDY- what a great day you had yesterday.LG can certainly go for it. You deserved a pub meal after that.
Last evening DD and SiL took us out for a meal to say thanks for having the cats. . It was lovely to just have the 4 of us so we could chat .
How is your SiL? This afternoon we are visiting my dear friend with Alzheimer’s as she is now in the home her husband is. She has deteriorated rapidly since we saw her last. Not looking forward to it but we love her and she is our friend.
SweetPeaSue- some helpful word from Wyllow and Doodle. Putting evereything down in writing for your GP will hopefully clear your head somewhat.
Good for you going to the Book Club- you need some distractions and company and it does sound like you have enjoyed it more just lately.
Doodle- as always in the midst of your sadness you are always ready to help others. Human contact is vital isn’t it- even those chance encounters with strangers can brighten our days.
Hairdresser was good DD an£ I have been to him since he started and now has his own salon. He knows all the family so always plenty to chat about.
Looks like we have another heatwave coming our way😩
Keep cool and maybe sit by the river. I think about you every day.
EllieAnne- Wyllow is right - just casual light conversation but to pretend can be very wearying.
Although as the song says” when I fool the people I know I fool myself as well”
It’s hard in the summer break but try and take advantage of your beautiful surroundings if you can . take care.

I,m now off to the foot lady so have the best day possible . Love to all

HVDY What a long ( and full!) day yesterday. Littlegirl has so much fun with you ,you must be a much loved grandma/ nanna/nannie( forgotten again). You are so right - we never had any' free' time when ours were small did we. Things much different then .
About my DH - I think they've gone off course so many times ( hand surgeon when it'd the SS not failed Carpal Tunnel, MRI on neck/shoulders when its SS causing arm pain and Neurology , to come, when to see if it's Migraine when Rheumatologist has already said GCA headache) .
Nadateturbe Understood, about taking coastal location for granted at times. I'd hate to live far from coast though. It sounds funny but I think I'd feel claustrophobic. My DH has unrepeatable names for pigeons too!
Hope the 'payback' for yesterday's activity hasn't been too bad today. Your library having jigsaws is a great idea.
The forms allowing each other access to Med records is such a good idea if it allows joint appts. Must see if our surgery does anything like that .
Thankyou for kind words to me.
Wyllow Yes, I have enjoyed our book group more lately. Your description of Wyllows bad day -like black cloud over you and the heavens opening and all pouring out- I liked very much. You have such a way with words! Hope it's not too hot where you are today, it reached 26° here today and the north-east coast usually cooler.
Wyllow Do hope you've had a more comfortable day today with the overactive mind. I really appreciate your suggestion of writing to our surgery/GP , I'd been thinking of going to another GP myself but see now they probably wouldn't discuss DHs conditions with me. Told DH of what I want to do ( write ) . He thinks good idea though thinks the GPs might be in a better position to help once next weeks Spirometry and CT scan has been done ,so as to rule out lung problem, so I'll wait till after those. If there's anything serious I think we'll get results quickly.
Your little break at your lovely hotel nr the sea shod be just beautiful for you and so healing for your mind and body.
If it's the area I think you mentioned before it's quite close to me and is so tranquil.
Doodle Hope you've had company today after your quiet day yesterday. Your words to EllieAnne were lovely and so true about being with others aswell as having time to yourself. I'm quite an introvert though I do notice feeling lighter when I've been to book group lately.
I take completely on board the written letter to surgery discussing the changed or queried diagnosis- I think it's a good suggestion. When my lovely) prev lady GP retired ( who was head of practice and suggested I write the complaint letter about prev breach of Duty of Candour -botched op and lies) another GP replaced her as head of practice. She saw me through a lot at that time and I had many appts with her ( she discussed a personal event when she herself had to sue against med neg) Unfortunately patients can't pre-book F2F appts - only with my present GP. I'm thinking she could sort out this mess with my DH and also has more say in the practice.
DH wants to wait till after next weeks scans and hol so I'm afraid I can't get anything underway more quickly.
I so appreciate your help and your giving time to me when you've so much going on yourself and I know it's not easy for you to post right now. x
EllieAnne Sending love and hoping you're not too bad today.We all care about you and life must be so hard for you .

Today has been much better and having Fluffball has been so good for us. Had a lovely little stroll by the stream where we saw Robin. The reflections on the water were mesmerising and it's ripples were mirrored on the tree trunk. We felt so relaxed. Then picked up a dusky pink jacket and got it at bargain price- tenner knocked off fir tiny bit of pulled stitching so £20.
Hope everyone else has been as well as can be and that includes those not in aswell as those who read.