BLACK DOG 25

Hi all. Hope everyone is doing ok. how hope the UTI clears quickly.
I forgot to tell you all...I have adopted another cat! DS took 6 of the 7 when he moved including my beautiful binky. So I went to the RSPCA near me and adopted a 6 year old tortie/tabby. She's a funny little thing. Her and my boy cat are doing ok (ish). She's a little piggy. I specifically chose her as I wanted a female mid age so she was similar age to my boy.

A dressing gown hiding from feelings day although I have caught up as you are all part of my life but not much to say tonight.

Just to say - Thank you so much everyone - but Doodle thank you for that honesty speaking straight from the heart to me. Yes it is that hard. Yet we survive. (And I’m sure other readers have feelings like this to a greater or lesser degree, and I also think you are gifting something by sharing)

Will see. You all tomorrow…best nights possible.

Yesterday I phoned dd and she answered. Sounded better but we didn’t talk about anything personal and I didn’t mention visiting.
Doodle I also feel I am filling in the days and marking time but I don’t know what I am waiting for.
I feel I am losing contact with friends and realise it has always been me who made the effort and just now I am too low and can’t be bothered so maybe they weren’t friends at all.
Church this morning. Can do that as it is always very busy so easy to blend in and slip away at the end.
Raining today. But the sun is coming back next week.

Hi all
HVDY- what a beautiful picture of Little Girl- she has the dearest little face and those little chubby arms are so sweet.
Glad you have felt better after rehydrating - it’s really important as we get older to keep drinking regularly.
Yes I,m so sad for my friends - they have had a wonderful life and we have shared many experiences with them . To see the, as they are now is the most awful thing- as you know so well.
Nanny2507- what nice news to hear of your new little cat. You must have missed your cats so much especially your dear Binks. Your little boy cat must be so happy to have a companion and in time they,ll be great friends. What have you called your little cat?
Wyllow- so sorry you had another difficult day- what Doodle said has resonated with you very much. But as you say- you survive although you need more than just survival. Everyone here has had those sort of feelings one way or another and for different reasons so do understand. Things will get better for you and one day you will feel alive again. We all walk beside you and will you on.
EllieAnne- Glad you,ve made contact with your DD at last. She sounded better so next time you might find it easier. So important to keep that contact going.
We all try and fill our days for many different reasons . The trouble is that your home life colours all your thoughts and feelings.. you are so low that you look at everything as if you are not important. You are and if you could consider ADs they might help you. Wish I could help you more.

Had a nice Face Time with my Sister this morning and her blood results are good which is lovely news. My niece is still waiting for her Op though which is dreadful.
Hope today’s lovely sunshine has reached you all . Sending love to everyonex

Scaredycatthank you for your kind words. Inner peace would be lovely. I just try and find a way to be comfortable in our home and not so desperate to get out. DH and I were so happy here I wish I could feel some peace again.
I don’t think I’ve ever been to so many garden centres in my life. I don’t even have a garden but they are good places to go for coffee.
Yes we have coffee after our walk and talk group. That’s the nicest part sitting and chatting together.
Good news about your sisters tests. Can’t believe her daughter still hasn’t had her op. Poor woman that’s awful
HVDY that’s a lovely photo of Little Girl. She’s so pretty.
My goodness you do drink a lot of water. I don’t. DH used to always be on at me to drink more. I have just bought a filter replacement pack today so will try and remember.
Nanny how lovely you have a new cat. I know how much Binks meant to you. What’s the new one called. She sounds sweet.
Wyllow thank you. Hope you have a better day tomorrow.
Ellie Anne I have friends who I meet when I suggest it so you’re not alone there. I think maybe other people are content in their own company but happy to meet up if you suggest it.
Marking time is a good way of putting it. You and me and Wyllow need to find something of interest to do. Something that makes life more meaningful. I love my art class I find that really enjoyable and the people are nice. Could you look at U3A or local things and see if you can find something that works for you.
Sweetpeasue hope you are having a relaxing day and both of you are feeling ok.

Nanny2507 Thanks, seem much better today (although I'm weeing more than normal) That's lovely news about the cat. I know you missed all those cats, especially Binks. What have you named the new girl?

Wyllow3 We all want you to get better, and I think you will, one day, soon.

ScaredyCat Thank you. We've got LG tomorrow and will go for a picnic. I'm glad your sister is doing well, but it's awful that her daughter is still waiting. Why is it all taking so long?

EllieAnne Good that you spoke to your daughter, at last. Would you consider trying a new hobby or group?

Doodle I was under a Urologist some years back and he said people only really need to drink 2 pints of fluids daily. I've always had more than that. LG is such a happy child, never any bother. You get out and about and meet people, but the loneliness must be difficult. I wish my brother would help himself, but he prefers to isolate and wallow.

A lazy day - bought more plants to put in hanging baskets and in the borders of the lawn. Sat outside until teatime. Busy day with Little Girl tomorrow. Hope ALL BDers have a relaxing evening x

I’m glad to hear that you had a conversation with DD, EllieAnne. I think when one is very low it’s hard to keep up with friends.

It must be so upsetting to see your friends, Scaredycat x.
It’s good to think of us all walking with each other as best we can. It’s great to hear abut the blood results but I find it incredible your niece is still waiting!

You certainly have “done” all your local garden centres, Doodle…chatting is better for you than staying home despite all. ...You’re right about the meaning..when it been centred around someone...some people have abiding other passions or interests, we are all different.

HVDY it was a lovely LittleGirl picture, really sweet. Good you are drinking so much and hope it’s easing the infection but hoping you can get antibiotics soon if needed. It was sunny here too so I can picture you sitting out with the new plantings.

Hoping Sweetpeasue has got off OK to the Lakes and other BD’s are as well as they can be.

Grim day in my mind, but did a wash and had a shower.

Night night all.

HVDY it’s been a beautiful day. Did you got for your picnic?
Little girl has a lovely time when she’s with you. You do such nice things together.
I don’t know how your brother can stay at home all the time. He must be very depressed.
Wyllow sorry about your grim day. I’ve been battling with myself all day today. I think I’ve found out what’s causing me so much trouble. Everyone says the second year is worse than the first and although I haven’t got past the first year yet I’m beginning to understand why. Reality really sets in and I’m not in a good place either. So hard when you want to feel better but can’t get past certain feelings. Hope you get out for a walk soon.
Ellie Anne I’m glad you got to talk to your daughter. At least you know she’s ok.
Scaredycat have you been out in the sunshine? Can’t remember but do you have a garden to sit in? I miss having my own bit of private space.
Sweetpeasue hope you’re enjoying your break and you and your Dh are ok.

HVDY Hope your bladder problem has eased off now. Gorgeous photo of Littlegirl- so cute.
Wyllow Sorry about your grim day Wyllow and hope tomorrow is a better one. Yes thanks we did get to the Lakes on Saturday.
Scaredycat It's so ridiculous that your neice hasn't had her op yet. It's so not fair and your sister must feel anxious about her too. Glad your sister's blood results are good though.Such kind words for Doodle and Wyllow.
Nanny2507 I hope the viewing yesterday was promising. Such a good idea to get another cat now. I hope the one you have becomes attached to her.
EllieAnne Glad you heard from your DD and it's put your mind at ease.
Doodle Oh I just want to give you a hug and save you from all this heartache. You shared your life together for such a long time - and your world has turned upside down. I can only imagine the vacuum left behind by losing your DH and that's bad enough. Thinking of you and sending love.

Just a short post to say we arrived OK but the weekend hasn't been great as DH has been with very low mood and quiet - think the pain and not knowing what it is is troubling him. Much better day today though - sun has come out as its been cloudy and misty and DH told me as we were sitting in garden looking out over the lovely panoramic views, he's finally feeling more relaxed. We're trying to forget hospitals/Dr's ect but it's hard when he's not well .
Sunny days are forecast now here so we intend a Windermere boat trip.
Thinking of you all and hoping things get better for those who feel alone and low.xx

Thank you all. My new girl came with the name Luna so I've kept it. She came and slept on my bed last night. Only for 10 mins or so but it was the first time. Ellie Ann I have just cut my DH step sister out of my life. We were so incredibly close but when DH died she pretty much started to ignore me. It's devastating but it had to be done xx

Just lots of understanding and sympathy and empathy your way Doodle.

Sweetpeasue I’m glad you’ve come in with news. It’s the not knowing what that must be so troubling for DH, I was just so pleased you’ve reported he relaxed more today and hope so much that can continue just for these sunny days.

Now thats a step forward for Luna and cuddling up, nanny2507. You’ve had a really tough decision there with DH’s step-sister. We can never know why she did it, so sad but you are right to do what you did.

A bit better today as I had to go supermarket shop so got out purposefully. But some tough triggers - I realised I had completely forgotten my younger twin sis and brothers birthday yesterday. Sis was fine about it, so was brother, but I found out my brother had been in my city as his daughter lives here….I’ve always had trouble keeping up with family when I’m very ill, but it really brought it home he didnt contact me and I get tied up with a cruel mixture of anger/self anger but isolation too.

Lots of birthdays ahead - I’m thankful for Amazon.

Sending love and best sleeps for all BD's however things are for you xx

Doodle We had 2 hours at playgroup then we went to a place called Highfields. It has a big boating lake with ducks, geese, and other wildlife. LG loved it there and enjoyed the picnic. She walked quite a lot (she slept for 1 1/2 hours when we got home). My brother is very depressed but refuses to join anything or go anywhere. I don't know how I could help him. You miss your DH terribly, but you make the effort to go out, see people and do things. It's important to do so, even though it must be so hard.

SweetpeaSue I hope you both manage to relax and take your mind off medical things for a while. A boat trip sounds good. The weather should warm up as the week goes on. Enjoy your holiday as much as you can.

Nanny2507 How lovely that Luna is starting to settle in. It won't be long before she's on your bed every night (like my Jaffa does with me)

Wyllow3 Perhaps your brother had a flying visit and didn't have much time? Or didn't want to stress you out by just turning up? My brother lives 8 miles away but hasn't been to my house for a few years. It hurts, though, doesn't it? I hope your day goes better today.

Aqua aerobics and brunch later, not much else. It's warm already. Hope everyone has a decent day x

Hi all
Doodle- I think the first year after losing a dearly loved person there are so many things to do practically, administration wise and just dealing with the change of just about everything in your life. The second year yes reality sets in and the shock and anger eventually turn to acceptance and gratitude too for their life and for your own life which can still be a rewarding one.
You must miss your garden but the river must be so lovely to watch through the Seasons. Yes we have a little garden and lots of lights!
Yesterday we went to see my friend with Alzheimer’s and found her sitting on the balcony in the sun. We think she’d forgotten we were going as she had her ever present diary open on the wrong week!! Her memory now is really bad but she manages to Koko as the distress she had for so long seems to have dramatically lessened . She has no idea what day or month it is or much else really but can somehow function with everyday tasks. I suppose everyone is different.She has her daughter and someone who pops in each day to check on her ..
She was the most beautiful and vivacious young woman . 50 years of friendship and we’re still muddling along.
SweetPeaSue- lovely to hear that your DH is feeling more relaxed and I ,m sure that helps relax you too.
Good idea to live in the moment while you’re there and to try not to dwell on the things that wear you down. Hope you have enjoyed the boat trip today . We would love that and it’s so nice for taking photos. Does DH take pics so he can sketch when he’s home?
If you are self catering do you go to Booths Supermarket in Keswick? It’s our favourite supermarket ever - so full of goodies.
Nanny2507- Luna is such a pretty name . It must feel lovely that she is happy to sleep near you - cats are the most comforting animals.
It must have been sad to cut your Step SiL out of your life but sometimes people can be toxic and you had so much to contend with .
Wyllow- I didn’t know you had another sister and a brother . I don’t think your brother meant to upset you he probably thought it might have been too much of a surprise and perhaps he didn’t have long.You could always text him and say sorry you missed him and you,d love to see him next time.So you have a niece close by- do you have other nieces and nephews?
Don’t be angry with yourself or him you can mend that bridge - be kind to yourself. I think you are nearly ready to take a gentle step towards people again.
HVDY- what a lovely day you had with Little Girl yesterday. Nottingham seems to be a city with lots of nice parks to chose from. Her little legs are kept very busy on your days out.
It must be hurtful that your brother doesn’t visit you. His life is very depressing isn’t it.
It must have been lovely to get in the pool today- it’s so warm today. Hope the brunch was tasty.

EllieAnne,Nadateturbe,Whiff,Candy, NannyG4,whywhywhy,Lucyd ,Elvarel,Allsorts, and anyone I,ve forgotten just sending love and hopes that the lovely weather is bringing hope for the future xx

Scaredycat thank you for, your kind words. It means a lot to read your comments as you’ve been through so much heartache yourself and I find your thoughts helpful.
What I feel now is bad but in a different way than before. I’ve been getting palpitations and mild panic attacks because I’ve been thinking of the future and all I can see is emptiness and loneliness. Maybe, from what you’ve said I will start to think differently than I do now. I’m going to try and go back to the one day at a time basis. The anniversary of DH’s death is playing heavily in my mind at the moment. Why one month should be worse than another I don’t know but I’m hoping I might feel a bit better soon.
I’m glad your friend seems less stressed now. Nice of you to visit and good her daughter goes often too. 50 years is a long time to have been friends, it must be upsetting for you to see her like that.
Your garden sounds lovely. I do like lights in the garden.
Sweetpeasue thank you for the hugs. So pleased to hear your poor Dh is relaxing a bit, of course he’s bound to be depressed all that has gone on and the worry for what’s happening. I hope this break does you both good, have a lovely day on the lake.
Nanny Luna is a lovely name. Is she a pretty cat.?
Wyllow thank you for your thoughts. I didn’t know you had twin brother and sister either. I think the fact that your brother and sister were fine about you missing their birthday means they have some idea of how you’ve been feeling, Maybe you brother thought an impromptu visit would be too much for you or maybe he didn’t have much time. Glad you got out to do some shopping.
HVDY what a lovely day you had for your picnic. Not surprised Little Girl was tired when you got home.
Has your brother seem a doctor? He might need some antidepressants. They might help. He must be very lonely unless he’s learnt to be happy in his own company.

Scaredycat Your garden must be pretty with the lights on. We had some along the fencing, but the squirrels bit through the wires! We've got coloured bunting now, instead. It must be sad to see the changes in your friend. I'm glad she gets some help with things. The pool was quite cool today, which was good. I had pancakes with fresh fruits and maple syrup. My friend always has a full English breakfast. My brother has never been a cheerful person but is worse than ever now.

Doodle Taking one day at a time may be helpful. All those anniversaries must be difficult. My brother is on 30mg of Mirtazapine (I insisted he see a GP, a couple of years ago). He could have it increased to 45mg (same as I am on), but he doesn't want to bother. He's never been happy or sociable.

Little Girl came at 4pm - mum and big sister have gone to Leicester for the evening - so Son2 came at 5, stayed for dinner and has just taken her home. I texted my brother this morning, asked if he'd like to come here for dinner one day this week - no reply, but then he's ignored my texts for 3 days. Impossible to help him. Hope ALL BDers have a relaxing evening x

HVDY oh dear - squirrels and wires…It was a good day to get in the pool. Nice treats there. I think you are right, your brother might benefit from 45mg, but you can only plant the idea, can’t you? I know you dont maybe feel it as he is so unresponsive but I still feel you are important in his life, really do.

When you talk about your friend Scaredycat I think how distressing it is for you after so many years of friendship x but just a little “thank goodness” her distress is less. I dont know how she can manage day to day either.

I’m glad you remembered all the BD’s you have, lovely and thank you. I also can picture your garden and lights.

Doodle so much of what you say I know all too well (large hug) I think your one day at a time idea is the best one. If things get really bad you will ask for help, won’t you? Another 6 weeks with the nice counsellor? Just an idea.

On the brother thing, HVDY and Scardeycat- I’d just have liked him to ask, but I dont know if I could respond,
but maybe he could have been more tactful and not mention it….(not his strong suit tho)

yes I have teenage nieces from my sister who died in 2019 but since she she died we haven’t kept up with the family tho I saw more of them when all our children are little.

I don’t think however my family has ever been as close as yours, *Scaredycat, it’s, never been that way, I mean all of us.

But if I am well yes I do “keep up” more with phone calls etc maybe see once a year or so but over the last 23 years I’ve had several long periods of depression like this which has meant a lack of contact.

I did get out to do my park walk alone, but so weary of koko still. Tomorrow carer coming with possible new one just to meet her. (Extra, not instead).

Look forward to hearing from more BD’s when you come in..

Best nights all.

Wyllow3 I don't matter to him. He doesn't send a Christmas or birthday card (I send them to him). He only ever rings me when he's upset/worried about something, never asks about my health or my family. He's missed out on what could have been a happier life. I'm glad you got out for a walk yesterday. The weather was so pleasant. I hope the new (extra) carer turns out to be someone you can get on with. Best of luck with meeting her today.

Been up since 6 but have wasted too much time looking at things online! Hope EllieAnne, Nadateturbe, Whiff, Candy, NannyG4, ,LucyD, Elvarel, Allsorts, and everyone else has a decent day x

HVDY I'm sorry about your DB ignoring your messages. V hurtful- did he get back at all. You are doing everything you can but it's such a shame he's missing out on love and life.
Wyllow Hope you like the new carer- good you're getting an extra one. Well done on the park walk alone- that must have been a real effort.
Scaredycat DH usually draws/paints portraits rather than landscape( no idea why). Booth's good isn't it - there's one here in Windermere. Yes, living in the moment is best right now.
Doodle One day at a time (a hymn my Mum used to sing) is a way to try and hope you feel better for it. So much will be going through your mind and you must be overwhelmed with sad memories nearing the 1st anniversary. Sending love.

Good day today, though took a huge effort to move body out of bed (Fibro)
We took motor boat out on Windermere- gorgeous and scary too with the swell when large boats passed.

Afterwards went into St Martin's church ,just up from marina. It was lovely and lit a candle for DH and for us all here.
Sending love to all and BDs not mentioned. Think of you every day.x

HVDY thank you. I’ve had a better day today. Going back to one day at a time helps as does church.
You’ve done all you can to help your brother. If he won’t listen there’s not much more you can do. Glad you enjoyed the pool.
Nice you had Little Girl and her dad for dinner.
Wyllow thank you for your support. I think this is something I have to work through myself. Not sure anyone including counselling can help. Just got to try and find my own way through. Today has been better though.
So pleased you might get an extra carer. I hope you like her. The more people you have around and the more chances to get out will improve things for you.
Sweetpeasue that sounds like a lovely relaxing day. Beautiful weather too. Hope you enjoy your break.
Scaredycat have you been out today? I’ve been to church and then the hospice. Sat out in the sunshine and had a good chat with two friends.

Doodle Glad that church is helping and the one day at a time.
My mum lost my dad to heart attack when she was 42. She married again 6 yrs later. She lost him too after many years. Me and my sisters witnessed my mum go hugely down and mentally sick, which I won't go in to. I realise now, when I listen to those whose DHs have gone before them, how hard it must have been , though of course not ,thankfully, have been there myself. Wishing you and all BDs a peaceful night.x

Hi all.
Doodle- the one day at a time is the best way to go for you I think. It’s too overwhelming for you to think about what at the moment seems an empty future. It isn’t but that’s how it feels.
Of course the I year anniversary is a big hurdle for you but one you will face with your usual bravery. I hope you will have your Sons with you or your lovely friend.
Yes we had a day out today with DD and SiL My DD had an accident yesterday and ended up in A &E . She hit her head which then bled quite a lot so went to get it checked out. Her BP was very high so she had a scan and thank God all was well.
She was in A and E for about 7 hours!! Anyway we had our planned day at the sea after all. A proper chips,ice cream ,tea and coffee etc day and walking. So grateful after being so worried yesterday.
HVDY- I love garden lights- I got some off Amazon that look a bit like sparklers they are so pretty. What a shame the squirrels scuppered your lights.
Your brunch sounds delicious- I don’t like full English but love what you had.
Your brother sounds completely opposite to you- you try so hard to include him it must be so frustrating. So nice to have dinner with Son2 and little girl- what a lot your Brother misses .Did his DS who died have a Family?
Wyllow- I,m so sorry you lost your Sister- that must have been hard for you. It’s not so long ago really.
Its not easy to keep the family close when you’re not well is it as just seeing after yourself is hard enough at times.
You did brilliant to get out to the Park- the more you can do it hopefully it will become easier. I hope you found the new carer someone you could get along with. More company is so what you need.
SweetPeaSue- I share your DH preference for portraits too. I do hope he is enjoying the change of scene and the beautiful places.
Well done getting on the boat- it must have been beautiful in the sunshine. Everything looks different from the water doesn’t it.
Glad you,ve got a Booths- do you like their Plum Bread?
I think we should all enjoy living in the moment a bit more- that’s the day we have.
Thank you for the candle and enjoy the rest of your weekxx

Love to all

SweetpeaSue Sorry about your aches and pains this morning. Hope they settled down. Your boat trip sounds exciting. Just the weather for it, too.

Doodle Glad you had the company of friends today. It's been glorious weather, hasn't it?

ScaredyCat That was a worry for you and your daughter. 7 hours in A&E sounds typical . Did they give her anything for her BP? Or was it high only today? My nephew who died had a partner - she's moved to the other side of town as the landlord wants his house back. He also had a daughter, who apparently stole jewellery from my brother's wife. She's got 2 babies (brother's GGC) but my brother doesn't speak to her because of the theft (he only found out just over a year ago).

Lazy day today, hip hurts, so did some online shopping and a bit of housework. Hope ALL BDers have a restful night x

Sweetpeasue so glad to hear of one good day. Bit of an adventure there in the boat and thank you for your candle.

It’s a shame about your brother HVDY not much you can do. I’m not good at keeping up with family but I am interested in what they do and how they are. And that they are OK of course. Sounds like a lazy day was called for after a busy day before.

Doodle I am glad your “one day at a time” is working. I understand re counsellor, after a point one has all the “information”.

Sorry to hear DD ended up in A and E, but thankful the scan showed all was well Scaredycat. So glad you got your seaside day in this lovely sunny day after all that! Chips essential in the sea air.

I met new carer briefly. She is coming briefly next week to to get to know her a bit better. I think she might be OK.

Botanical Gardens then with regular carer we do get on well.so today a bit better. Tomorrow is the psychologist `I see only 6 weeks and I haven’t done anything she suggested or rung gardener again yet…..
got a tricky meds thing to sort she has so little time. It’s true about company except…well, my weird reactions. I suppose atm I cant hold down friendships without worrying.

Bests for all BD’s to have the best nights you can.

SweetpeaSue I messaged my brother every day last week. He replied once to say, "Far too hot," but he didn't acknowledge my invitation.

Sweetpeasue you are not the only one who didn’t realise how bereavement of a loved one affects people. I had an aunt whose husband died and she became very morose and miserable. I’m afraid I didn’t have much sympathy for her at the time although now I understand more how she felt.
I’m so sorry it affected your mum so badly.
Hope you and DH are relaxing and doing ok.
Scaredycat thank you. It does help to hear your wise words.
So sorry about your DD. Glad she’s ok. Yes the wait in A&E is a long time these days. Your day out sounds nice.
HVDY. You do all you can to help your brother but if he doesn’t make the effort there’s not much else you can do.
Wyllow I do hope the new lady works out. That would be a big help. Hope you get your meds sorted out. Have a nice day at the botanical gardens. Please try and phone the gardener. You’ll feel better if your garden is tidier,
I had a nice lunch out with friends today. Beautiful weather.
Walking group tomorrow.