BLACK DOG 26

Sweetpeasue I coped with all DH’s illnesses because he was and is my world. You too are doing all you can to help your husband.
HvDY I love shepherds pie. One of my favourites.
What’s a Skills coach trip? Whatever I hope you have a lovely trip. We went to Stratford on Avon . Had a lovely time
I’ve always worn mascara from my teens until DH got so poorly. I cried so much I kept having big black streaks running down my face (even though it was waterproof). I haven’t worn any since he died. Too many tears.
Wyllow is your Exs mum mentally ok. I mean in terms of not having dementia. If so, could you send her some flowers.
Whilst I can understand your need to see her it’s right to do what’s best for her. Could you write to her maybe.
Scaredycat I look in the mirror and see my mum but only bits of her like my mouth. Mum was actually a very nice looking woman with a good heart. Looks wise I am part mum and part dad, unfortunately the dad bit is the nose. !
Had a nice walk with group this morning then hospice this afternoon. Very relaxing

Doodle Oh the mascara thing - I'm so sorry. I don't think any waterproof mascara could cope with that amount of crying. I imagine you'll never know when ,until a wave hits you suddenly.
I just read about Dave Myer's( hairy biker) wife. She described her grief at losing her DH as a pearl inside her - a pain that will always be there and she said ' ( we) grow around it ,becoming stronger at carrying this beautiful treasure'. And as a painful knot that sometimes untangles a little when being distracted in company or a walk.
I'm sure it must be different for every individual person. Hugs.

I too inherited my dad's large nose ( thanks dad) which gets bigger the more I cry. My dad was the gentlest, quietest person .
Hope you sleep Doodle.

SweetpeaSue That's quick. I hope the appointment all goes well and you get somewhere with it all. I don't wear any other eye make-up, and because I wear glasses, I like to try different mascara.

Doodle . My DH went to his friend's funeral yesterday (he was 66, had Pneumonia and got Sepsis in hospital). He was a biker. 100 mourners turned up (including his wife and dad) and 30 were on motorbikes. Skills is the name of a coach company. They do day trips and holidays.

The play was great. The cast rehearsed the whole 2 hour show in only 1 week. SGD was brilliant and even did a solo part as well as being in the play. The couple sitting next to us turned out to be SGD's dad & his GF. She's seen him once since Xmas. Just bought this chair rom Aldi, for LG (grin) x

The play

The problem is I dont know how Ex's mum is, HVDY and others

but

given that she made everyone promise no residential care, ever, and she had a totally devoted partner who had been a care home nurse, there's no way she can text of whatever,

its likely she is in the last bits of her life: her memory was wobbly 3 years ago, and bad physically and I don't know where she is anyway.

I was talking about this amongst many other things to my first husband this afternoon, because I've lost Ex's whole family after 11 years of intimacy. It is important to me therefore I am able to make my peace with Ex in some way if possible.

So first DH and I had a really good talk and I was glad, but it was intense, and later I had a big loss reaction: I wondered if I should ring the crisis line, but found my own way through in a good way in the end. Music helped.

I have no real memories, after 23 plus years of depression on and off and more on than off, of times before that.

I mean, I can recall events, but don't have a "felt" memory. whether it was the depressions or the ECT I don't know.

I may be back in later, I have read today, but will join in tomorrow, probably xx

HVDY Glad you enjoyed the play. I'm sure your SGD loved you being there and probably appreciated her dad being there but what a long time not to see him before the play. Littlegirl is going to love that chair - soft and cuddly. Yrs appt is very quick - the next availability was very end August- he's really getting worse now - I can't understand why GP didn't send him straight to hospital. It's disgraceful this has been allowed.
Wyllow Oh I'm so glad the music helped but do ring the crisis line if your emotions get too much and unstable. I do understand the feelings of wanting to be at peace with the past, I really do. Please don't risk your own MH to do so though. Do you have someone to talk to next week - your carer? You'll feel better to unburden yourself I think. I hope you slept well and feel better this morning.
Hope you'll be having an easy day today , perhaps in garden and some yoga or nice ride on your bike. Good to have Quakers tomorrow. Do anything that forces your mind to be peaceful.

DH chest very tight this morning.
Will go out for a coffee this morning but can't possibly take aunt with DH needing full attention.
Hoping everyone has a nice day - looks like more sunshine days ahead. x

Wyllow3 As some of us have already said before, please don't risk your own MH by getting too focused on your ex and his mum. That's in the past, and it might put you back again to revisit it (opening up old wounds). Be careful. I'm glad the music helped you. Hope you have a pleasant day today - do you sit in your garden now it's being sorted? Or perhaps you'll go for a bike ride?

SweetpeaSue We were on the front row! It was very loud, but we really enjoyed it (although neither of us likes musicals) The dad is feckless, doesn't pay any child maintenance (never has), and his girlfriend is expecting their 3rd baby (so they'll have 3 under 3 years). His parents haven't seen SGD for years. I agree, the "treatment" of your husband has been very poor indeed. I hope he'll get something sorted out properly soon now.

It's sunny but windy here. LG will be here at 1 (parents going to see big girl in the play - 2 performances today and 1 tomorrow. Got a few new toys for LG to play with. Hope everyone has a decent day x

I've done some gardening, and am dyeing some clothes, and plan to go to the gym even if just for a pampering shower later, but yes, this weekend "the chickens have come home to roost:

My first DH and I went in deep to talk about why we split up indcluding events around my suicide attempt (the 70 paracetamol, I was serious) as well as other aspects of our marriage.

It did stir a lot up, as of course it was a loss for both of us as well as a gain to be able to move on with our lives.

So this happened whilst considering, "can I really bear to have no contact at all with the 11 years of all that happened, good, bad, ordinary, happy, sad, with Ex's family?

And also considering with first DH aspects of our own family, which is coming up soon - problems between me and DiL - not massive, but significant enough for us to agree on a strategy.

so when I go on Tuesday afternoon to Ex's flats to see, happily, a sympathetic and supportive head of special needs support for the whole of the city, I will take my proof of what I said - that I am Safeguarded against Ex, becuase sh may be more helpful than just handing on a letter: we will see.

I am clear I am not prepared to de facto cut the whole family out or let them do it to me, without at least a try.

Sorry for being preoccupied; I've just written a long email to my Psychologist about getting enough care, from MH, for it is falling short at the moment as I come off drugs and life is rather a turmoil.

(My carer is wonderful - but what I say to her doesn't get back to MH unless I tell them myself - a communication gap I am trying to address as its not satisfactory for everyone getting help from Older Adults but who can afford and is getting Carer agency help)

back later, I have to sort out some stuff as a priority, as well as being clear about boundaries when I see this Quaker this afternoon (the one that, had he been a lot younger, may have become a partner, but is now asking for more than I can give)

Hi all.
Home again and looking forward to a sleep in our own bed.
It was a lovely 2 weeks and I feel very lucky to have been able to do it.
Doodle- what a love story yours is. A touch of levity- black streaks is not a good look is it! Lovely that you see your Mum looking back at you in the mirror. My sis is like my Mum in all respects but I am a mix of my Aunt and my Dad. Do your boys look like their Dad?
Nice to hear that you had a relaxing day yesterday- I hope your weekend is the same.
EllieAnne- how are you?
SweetPeaSue- your Dad sounds lovely- I imagine you are very like him in character.
I,m so sorry your DH is getting worse. There is no excuse for his treatment as it must be clear to everyone he’s seen that he’s not well at all.
Hope you enjoyed your coffee out today - yes just concentrate on doing nice things together . You have been so kind to your Aunt but DH must take priority right now.
Looks like we have some hot days on the way.
HVDY- your DH friend was young - poor man. A biker funeral is a sight to see isn’t it. Not long ago we went to my GD2 FiL funeral which was one.and felt really uplifted despite being sad too.
Your SGD is a talented young lady- how glad she must have been to have you there . You provide much needed stability and love for her.
LG will love that chair it looks all snuggly. GD3 little cat was a good girl last night except for wanting to play about 3 am!!
Wyllow- You have done some nice gentle stuff today and hopefully it balances out a bit with your slight turmoil over the
past. It’s good you can talk with your first husband but look to the future if you can and not dwell so much on the past. I know the past shapes who we are but you have much to look forward to. DiL relationships aren’t always easy but yours has had a lot to contend with hasn’t she.
Please do be careful how you go with Ex and family. When you have a break up you lose many things but you have another chance now for a calmer,kinder life full of possibilities.
Take care Wyllow - we all want the best for you.
Love to all - those mentioned and all our lovely friends who we haven’t seen lately.

Will be thinking about you and DH on Monday Sweetpeasue. I hope you manage the drive OK.xx
Love to everyone.xx
Have nothing much to say about life at the minute. Except M E. sucks.

There is nothing quite like your very own bed, Scaredycat. It has indeed been a couple of weeks to treasure, I expect you have lots of photos and will have family lined up to have coffee and see them - probably after a rest. Cat finding next?
I’m not sure about owning a cat however that wants to play at 3am…erm..no…

Btw, I totally agree with you on M n S meals, they are really very, very good.

Your kindly offered advice about living in the past maybe isn’t appropriate in the case of my first DH.

This is the first time EVER since our break up we have really sat down and discussed some of these things. We both have done therapy and have the "language" of it.

It is really, really valuable for both of us to “process” enough of what happened to move on with the richer relationship than before.

Neither of us wishes to dwell on the bad, except to understand it, but the purpose and recapture the good moving into the future as after all we are grandparents to 4 grandchildren. surely, we all need to process a loss, and ending?

Its been my problem I have not been able to do it, its been that making me as ill as I am, avoiding loss.

Sweetpeasue. I’ve just caught up with your DH’s Monday appointment. I’m just so glad. And you did so well getting it together for the referral, as well! Well done you.

In the meantime… I’m so glad you are working on having “good bits” in this hot weather, maybe a picnic in the shade the weather is bound to affect DH.

I have to love the bits and bobs on this thread. Your nose.

HVDY’s chair picture.
That was an enormous funeral. He sounded a “larger than life” character.

I love looking at little children’s toys. I want to buy them for myself, but I do have a little group (and an elephant somewhere too) of my childhood creatures)

Aw, It must have been so lovely to watch SGD perform.
(I'm wondering if you are having curry tonight?

Doodle I was glad to read of yesterday’s walk and the hospice. As regards faces, one parent gave me a long large chin not a nice petite one, I think it was Dad, OK on a bloke.

“I coped with all DH’s illnesses because he was and is my world”. That was beautiful and says it all. I dont know if I could be like that, but it was evident in every post you made when he was very ill, beside him all the time in the hospital, and so on, I remember.

I have continued to have the loss hanging over me, and my response sadly has to be busy and over jolly to avoid it, but since what I did included seeing a Quaker for a coffee and a nice relaxing session at the gym I feel OK about it. It will come up again, as

I am above all waiting to get the letter to Ex, and then, well, at least I’ve said my bit, and if this is the only resolution to a potential estrangement situation after 11 years of love and all the other emotions with Ex’s family, it will have to do.

(It will be flowers for Ex's mum, I was advised by my worker she might just get upset, she is now so out of it)

Sweetpeasue, I failed to copy and paste the bit onto here where I say how glad I was that you were to get an appointment for yourself. When is it? is it with someone you know from before?

HVDY I think your relationship with your SGD is inspiring. How lucky she is to have you being so supportive. You treat her better than her father’s family. Glad you enjoyed the show
Love that chair.
Sweetpeasue my dad was lovely too. And my mum. I’m very lucky to have been loved all my life.
Glad you managed to get the referral letter sorted and are pleased with it. Monday appointment so pleased for you. Hope you get some answers.
Scaredycat glad you’re home safely. What a lovely time you had. I’m meeting both our sons tomorrow. Both are a combination of DH and me. They take after him in many ways. Hope you don’t have too much washing and ironing to do.
Wyllow I think all of us here are concerned about you. It’s not that long ago you were unable to write more than one or two words. It is so nice to hear you now talking of plans and going to the gym. Getting out and about. We don’t want anything to happen that causes you to slip back into that depressed state. Anything we write here is out of concern for you . It’s lovely having our old Wyllow back

Doodle

It's lovely being back. I'm watching a film that Ex wouldnt have liked. I've spent hours nattering to people I meet at the gym when Ex would have been grumpy in the car wanting me to hurry up.

I can come online first thing in the morning and natter to people here or on my other board (where there is a nice little group, but definitely not Mental Health focussed) without being interrupted because Ex was jealous and wanted my attention.

I can listen to classical singing beyond my own room without rude remarks about female singers. I can say complex and funny things and not be called "Weird"

I dont have to put up with, when we drive into the gym, and there is an Aqua class, rude repairs about larger ladies, when Ex had put on huge amounts of worth himself - secretly eating and calling me the food police. I can sit in a cafe and....

You get the picture.

But of course, I also miss the intimacy, when things were good, I mean emotional as much as physical, I miss having someone to share things with, I miss having someone who is confident travelling to Crete, which I'll not do alone. (robin Hoods Bay or family is my limit.

I've missed the fact that when I was depressed last time he did make a difference - got me out for drives, shopped and cooked, got me to the gym, kept the garden up.. (because it was OK if I was little and and needy so not a threat)

But he was ill, and he had a swine of a father.

My prognosis is that I will swing into a depression at some point, it is more or less unavoidable, but it will not be as bad

so its not a matter of the number of things that I do, but what they are.

So a day with gardening in the morning, a chat with a Quaker in a cafe, the gym, a shop at a quiet time- isnt a stressful day:

whereas if I hurry trying to get the house ready for sale too fast, make commitments to people that are too soon to really cope with,

the way I bought the bike/the bike carrier. the towbar, the new lock, all within 2/3 days

- piling on trying to deal with emotional situations that I'm not ready for, (hence all debate around seeing Ex and so on)

buying or starting too many projects that I dont finish...those are the red light areas.

..I'll miss the bike rides, building a garden together - but in the end, he was gaslighting me with a system of approval and disapproval which unfortunately mirrored that of my childhood.

As in
My Dad constantly saying "You're too clever by half" because by the age of 15 I was able to out wit him verbally at times, my Mum saying, "oh but you are "over sensitive" "you're your own worst enemy darling"...

Basically Ex unknowingly (as he never of course knew my parents) was echoing exactly these sentiments, which is why it was so powerful.

Reading about fathers has brought up a lot of bad memories
. I think a lot of my lack of self worth is due to my childhood. In my university daysand later I used alcohol to help . Of course that just brought other problems.
Dh will be home today.
I’ve realised over the past few days how much my routine is centred round his.
Like he’s in the living room reading the paper so I’ll do stuff upstairs.
He’s having lunch and watching bargain hunt so I’ll work in the kitchen or go outside if weather ok.
It’s 5 ish and he’s watching the chase so I ll go and start on his meal etc.
It’s been strange. But ok.
Funeral tomorrow. Have to do some baking today.
It’s dull and cloudy here. Please can th heatwave come our way?

Ellie Anne I'm so glad you came in and shared so's I'm not the only one who feels that lack of worth stems from our childhoods.

What really is occurring to me right now is how my Ex to a certain extent repeated my Dad's behaviour. (both the lack of worth enforced on me but also in my case mixed up with love too.

Do you think that your DH having the TV on downstairs and you going upstairs is because that is what he insists on, or that it has grown up that way because you let it?

Because you assumed that was the way of things in marriages?

(In my case it wasn't the silent treatment, tho he did use that often but not heavy handedly, in the end it was the direct bullying and shouting - but from a sick man)

It's a sweet morning, quiet and sunny, with Quakers ahead.

How are other BD's? wishing for calm days for all.

Good baking, Ellie Anne

I am more at peace now Ellie Anne with what my Dad was like, becuase as time goes on not only can I see he (and Mum) had good qualities too, but that he was totally a product of his time in terms of what male and female roles were, tho he always respected my Mum and loved her, so I did grow up with positives too.

ScaredyCat Hope you slept well. The downside about holidays is the washing, but at least you'll get it dry - it's going to be very warm. Your GD's kitten sounds mischievous. Our first cat was a kitten (a stray) and used to run up the curtains.

nadateturbe Sorry you're feeling so rough. Hope you have a better day soon.

Doodle Even DIL's family didn't go to see SGD's play - they live about an hour away, but went to Nottingham for something else and a meal, only a mile away from where SGD was. DIL is not happy about that, but hasn't got the close relationship that DH and I have with family. LG's chair was from Aldi. It's "Bingo" from the children's TV programme "Bluey and Bingo". Will you go to church today? See family? I hope you have a nice day.

Wyllow3 DH's friend was a lovely bloke - cheerful, friendly, kind, etc. His widow is about 78. He had Pneumonia and developed Sepsis. I'm sure you will recognise any signs that you're going into a depression - you know your illness and realise how it affects you. Talking of fathers - mine was very much a "stiff upper lip" type. He'd fought in WW2 (soldier 1936 to 1945 and drove tanks). He was a good dad, though, a good provider.

EllieAnne Why do you feel the need to be elsewhere when your husband is around? You have as much right as he does to watch tv, etc. Do you hate him so much that you can't bear to be in the same room? That's no way for either of you to live. I hope the funeral goes as well as these things can. What is the weather forecast for next week? It's going to be very warm here, which many people dislike, so I'd swap you.

A lazy day today - a bit of vacuuming, perhaps some ironing, not much else. Son1 and his family are off to Corfu later (forecast is 38 degrees!). DIL's mum is house-sitting, caring for the cat, dog and 6 rats . Hope ALL BDers have a decent day x

Oh no Hvdy I don’t hate him. But he has very set routines and I need space. If he is watching sport and I come through he’ll offer to watch it upstairs. Occasionally there is something we both like but through the day I ,rarely watch Tv.
Bluey and bingo🙂 a nice gentle little programme. My gs likes it too. He starts school this week. How did that happen?
And younger gd goes to high school. I think she’ll cope ok but after the bullying her sister had you can’t help worrying.
Going to church soon. Have missed two weeks so it will be good to be back.
I would love some sun.

EllieAnne My husband and I are like that - he likes some programme that I don't so I look at things on the computer (YouTube, Facebook) or listen to music with headphones on. I can't stand Bluey & Bingo but we watch Peppa Pig or Paw Patrol with her, sometimes. I hope both your GC get on ok at school. Senior school is very different to juniors, isn't it. I expect your GD will have friends she can be with at breaktines etc. Bullying is a worry, though, but hopefully, she'll be fine. Hope the sun will appear for you later.

Hi all
SweetPeaSue- Hope tomorrow goes well for you both and that this time you get the answers and concern that you and DH so badly need. Safe journey and your determination to do the best for your DH has been inspiring.
Doodle- what a lovely tribute to your family- you are a special person- full of love.
Hope you are having a good day wit( your Sons- being all together is lovely isn’t it. They must be special like their Dad.
All washing done- not much as we did it as we went along.
Wyllow- you certainly led a restricted life much of the time but of course there were good times and it’s those that you miss.
You’re right all those projects happening at once plus the emotional feelings are red lights . But you understand and recognise the signs of potential overload. There is nobody now to bring you down or knock your confidence. Believe in yourself and know that you can build your life anew without having to get anyone’s approval. You just sometimes need to touch your brakes a bit!🚴🏻🚴🏾‍♀️
Ellie Ann - from what you have written today you live separate lives together and have very different needs. But you have been together a long time and raised a lovely family- many people rub along as you do. Such a shame there isn’t something that you can enjoy together.
HopeGS enjoys he is first term at school- my GD1 is a reception teacher but her term starts in September.
Hope too your GD doesn’t have the problems her sister had - bullying is a horrible problem.
HVDY- slept OK thank you but I have come home with a really painful back- sciatica I think - so woke early and hobbled about!!
DD came over for coffee and a chat and said she thinks it might be the settee in the holiday house that’s set it off. She is going to meet the new little cat this afternoon. It’s already attempted the curtains!!
Hope your Son and family have a lovely time- Corfu is beautiful. That’s a lot of Pets to baby sit.
Nadateturbe ,Candy and all our past present and future BDs hope your Sunday is treating you kindly. Love to all

ScaredyCat Ooh, Sciatica is painful, and yes, the settee might have caused it. Have you got some Ibuprofen or similar? Or an ice pack? Kittens are so adventurous! Their flight is at 7pm. It's the first time he's been able to take his girls abroad - they've been with their mum, but she refused to let him take them (she's a control freak). Yes, a lot of pets - she lives 5 minutes from Son1, but she's got my number if she gets nervous about the rats (4 in one massive cage, 2 in another). I hope she won't need me to go, though, as we're 30 minutes away.

Doodle Sorry, I missed the bit of you saying you were seeing both sons today. That's good, hope you've been having a nice time with them. Did you go for lunch?

Had a very lazy day today - got Little Girl all day tomorrow and most of the day on Tuesday, too. DH is just cooking a roast beef dinner. Love to all x

Sorry can't reply to all posts.
Scaredycat Ooh that's painful. I bet it's the holiday place sofa. We love the house in the Lakes but the sofa is far too squashy and sets our backs off. Hope you get relief with anti inflammatory.

Had gentle stroll nr river this morning.
Both overwhelmed with many letters/papers stored up over DH and went through the lot this aft. Head's pounding. I'm now thinking SS AND heart-probs , 2 separate conditions as SS doesn't have chest tightness and breathlessness as symptoms. May need to see cardiologist also. DH deteriorating so much. I'm feeling panicky and hoping.heart not damaged with all this.
Appt tomorrow at 1pm. Good vibes and/ or prayers would be much appreciated.

Do hope you ate all OK. Many thanks and love to all.x

* Nadateturbe* Thsnkyou for your kind words. Your ME must be so terrible to cope with- it certainly 'sucks'. ❤️