BLACK DOG 26

* EllieAnne* Doesn't seem long since my DGS started school . We used to watch Bing and Peppa Pig, then it was Paw Patrol - he's now 10 Yr old and how time flies , I agree. As you say, you just want them to settle into new classes and make friends and generally feel secure. We always worry about them don't we- such a lot of bullying going on but so far my DGS has escaped such things. I'm so sorry about your home circumstances - it must be hard to come to terms with. Hope your church was good this morning.
HVDY Corfu with 38 deg- far too hot for us. I too hope your DILs mum manages with the pets- you will have your hands full . Came across a book called ' The Best Cat Memes Ever' by Charlie Ellis. Had good reviews and think it's supposed to be quite funny. Hope the Roast Beef was delicious.
* Wyllow* Thought Scaredycat's analogy of ' putting the brakes on ' quite appropriate for you just now. You had many good things with your ex and of course the really not so good about the controlling. Hope today has seen you having calming influence eg Quakers ( Sorry - is that Sundays) and yoga at Gym to slow your mind down a bit.
Consultant tomorrow never seen before - Vascular surgeon at Harrogate.

* Doodle* Glad your sons are looking out for you and hope you all enjoyed the family meal together. X

HVDY makes it even more special for your SGD that you went when her mums parents didn’t. Lucky girl to have your support.
Yes saw both sons today. We went for an ice cream then sat and had a drink at the pub by the river. Lovely to see them both. Bit down tonight got another anniversary day coming up and it’s always upsetting. Hope your son and family have a good time in Corfu
Ellie Anne hope your granddaughters don’t have any more bullying and this is a better year for them. Your little Gs starting school. Such a milestone. Hope he likes it. Will you pick him up sometimes.?
Sweetpeasue certainly prayers and hope that tomorrow goes well. such a long road to get this far, hope you get some answers tomorrow.
Scaredycat our sons are both different but both very caring and supportive. They take good care of their old mum.
Your family are close too though. Nice to spend time with them. Glad your DD came over.
Wyllow I hope you’ve taken some time to relax a bit today. You’ve been doing so much, I’m struggling to stay awake long enougho send some messages. When are you delivering the letter to your Ex.

SweetpeaSue I don't 2do" prayers, but wish you and your husband all the very best for tomorrow. Hopefully, the roads won't be busy for your drive, too. 38 is far too hot for us, too. We went to Corfu, Malta and Crete, all in October, and all 3 were 36 degrees - horrible. Son and family are at an all-inclusive hotel, so they'll be able to have drinks and ice cream all day . The roast beef dinner was gorgeous, thanks.

Doodle Even though SGD isn't biologically ours, we think of her as ours. She's a really nice, intelligent, modest girl. When she did her solo bit, I had to bite my lip so that I didn't cry (daft, eh). What a lovely day with your boys. They love their mum. Those anniversaries must be hard.

Hope ALL BDers have a restful night x

I will pick him up if asked but it’s almost an hour away. His mum works part time and on other days there is after school care so I don’t think I’ll be needed much.
We’ve been through peppy pig Bing and paw patrol too. I still know the names of all the pups and my cat is called after one of them.
Doodle you’ve had a nice day.
Sweet pea sue I hope everything goes well tomorrow.

Thats the impression I got about DH’s friend, HVDY, really sad for DH. Interesting to hear about your Dad. He really was active in the war, wasn’t he? Times it’s hard for us to imagine now. Did he show his fondness, or was it sort of kept inside? A lazy day sounded a good idea, did you carry it out or did events conspire against you? What excitement! Corfu - I hope they are staying somewhere nice.

I’m glad to hear you feel positive about going back to church, Ellie Anne. Now the difficult lady wont be there, I hope the coming autumn brings groups/events that you can genuinely feel part of. You have so much to offer, a good listener, sensitive: you deserve it back.

I felt that you really have understood the picture now, Scardeycat
Brakes were on today. 🚴🏻🚴🏾‍♀️🚴🏻🚴🏾‍♀️🚴🏻🚴🏾‍♀️ 🙂
Aw, I’m sorry you have come back with a really bad back - sciatica is nasty: you are going to have to be good and do that combination of rests but continuing gentle moment. Decent beds become more important each year I think - DD could well be right, I agree with her.

It sounds like you handled today pretty well, Sweetpeasue, with the gentle stroll. Time to stop reading u on things - you pretty well know it “back to front”.

Quaker prayers are to hold you in the Light, so that is what I shall do at 1pm, and light a candle. Please dont expect a magic answer - whats needed is a clear step forward on this troubled road but it may not answer all

* Nadateturbe*

I thought today might be bitter-sweet, Doodle. As well as upcoming anniversary, it always (well I find) is difficult to be alone after a warm loving occasion when one gets home. Is it a very beautiful location, by the river?.

I am going to the flats where Ex lives at on Tuesday to see the “uber manager”, taking my letter which is for her to take to him. I am going alone as she is there and knows the score.

I had a busy day today but it was all wonderful overall, and had the balance of dark and light in fully.

The moment I step into our Quaker MfW - today spent 35 mins there - I’m totally “there” Just after I can win we had testimony on Gaza.
Today my part was to speak the words of John Lennon‘s song “Let it be” because we were talking about our world in strife among other things.

When one older man, a gardener just said

I’m remembering my sister

at that moment, a shaft of light entered the room, and it was as if it was full not just of his sister bye my now dead sister too.

There was a couple there. I thought it stopped coming to Quakers. They both work in the mental health sector for years, glad they were back, very interesting to talk to them.
Little Quaker JM so tiny and so old with every breath fighting for Gaza, so I put my arm round him.
And said others will carry the baton on.

I did a very calming and strengthening yoga session and had a good shower and pamper and natters.

But then the most remarkable thing of the day happened. I went to see a quaker who had lots of home grown stuff to share, and he Robert had a guest. It was Y.

Y is a refugee from the Darfur. (The Sudan)

His mother and father were murdered by soldiers

He escaped…..imagine that

He’s now allowed to stay in the UK and he stayed the Quaker for eight months to improve his English.

I felt very, very angry. I cried in the car, at the people who would keep Y and others out.

On the way home, I stopped at St. Luke’s to look for a summer bag, but since all their clothes were 1 pound each, well……

Then I went for a quiet costa to think about the day (I dictate a diary into “notes” on my mobile, and send them to emails, so have a record of events and feelings)

I failed to get watering can help form the kids opposite, as they are going on holiday tomorrow - their Dad said he was quite happy for them to do that but…

Lastly Mrs NDN popped round, we have a bit of bargaining to do about how high her trees are, I think we’ll get a compromise.

Must search and destroy some food, but I'd had a snack at Costa.

With all respect * Wyllow* Will never stop reading up on things as long as NHS GP and consultants are dragging their heels, whilst DH is deteriorating so fast.

Dear Wyllow I so appreciate you holding us in the light. I will remember , and have comfort, tomorrow, in you lighting a candle for us. That is so lovely of you. Much love. X

I know you will, Sweetpeasue, its in your nature and we all manage matters according to how we are at the time. xx

Wyllow3 My dad was in 7th Armoured Division, went to Burma, Africa, India, Egypt, Italy, and Malta. He was 18 when he enlisted, 27 when he came out of the army. Then he met Mum, who was in the ATS and stationed in Nottingham. He wasn't very demonstrative(men in those days were different to now), and we were never told we were loved - talking to DH and friends of our age, they all say their parents didn't say "I love you" but they didn't need to - we knew we were.

I'd planned to have a lazy day yesterday - got a full-on couple of days with Little Girl. Your day sounded quite enlightening. I'm glad you're enjoying the Quakers meetings again. Some terrible things are going on in the world, and I've got my views, but don't get into discussions about politics. Did you find some clothes for the bargain price of £1? You're chatting with neighbours now - something I expect you hadn't done for some time. That's all good.

Up at 6, picnic with LG later. Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day.

Thoughts of SweetpeaSue and husband. x

Fascinating history there HVDY he certainly saw a lot of the world.
I think this saying directly " love you"! to children all the time is pretty new - from the USA?
DiL does it, DS never.

I think its comes across in the warmth, or the lack of, cuddles, or the lack of, and so on.

Yes, I came home with two shirts and a linen mix Italian designer top, a hat, and a pretty embroidered bag (just not the bag I was after). I'll probably just keep one of the shirts, but at a £1.

I think its going to be got be a scorcher here, enjoy your picnic with LG.

Best laid plans as to easy day......😘

I'm seeing another one of the Quakers for 11am coffee, just as well as me and DocSis had a real ding dong of a row for part of our discussion.
Second time its happened, its like a couple of conflicts that have lain low for years are coming up - this Ione, very powerful

And...necessary, but pretty painful for us both. By the end of the conversation back to nattering as per, but this one has changed one of my attitudes to her needfully, and I'm almost certain has changed one of hers, to me.

The latter, I'll share, because it's very relevant for some people who have MH problems.

I'm crammed with degrees and qualifications, but have only, if you add all the bits and pieces together, worked in a professional job, for perhaps a total of 11 years. I've done loads of volunteering and helped out with this and that but...

...as soon as it gets "proper paid work" I am very successful at first then crash ion one way or another and cant cope. Its the responsibility, I think, its my fear inside that I am "dangerous and could hurt people", its being a perfectionist, its not being able to cope with the sort of "knife in the back" work situation that I encountered in my last job. Other stuff.

But amongst people with severe or serious MH problems, this is not at all unusual

How many I could name, like me, who have longed to have had a career, or for those with less qualifications, be able to hold down a job, sometimes especially men, who feel they aren't a man as they can't be a provider.....

... the pride and self worth that goes with it, the money, and of course, the pension.

My sister said - and its clear she has thought this all along -
I did it out of choice....... I left this or that job in order to pursue more selfish aims

I knew "the family" didn't understand why I didn't have a career, as in my Mum, except she did like it when I did a Part Time Art degree (which of course others on my course were doing whilst working - which is the situation I would have been in)

I really really thought my DocSis knew why I didnt work - it's been a shock - but a further shock to think that if she sees it that way, how many more people must. Hidden disabilities, hey?

I still hide my past. Many of us do.

That is to say, if people say"what did you do before you retired" I might say, "Community Education Tutor" (ie the organising person for Adult Education for a whole area) - but not that I only did it for 4 years. Until I know the person, and can tell the truth.
I might be helping someone with yoga at the gym, and they say, "where do you teach" and of course I can say I'm retired..

but I even part fabricate - I have volunteered to teach yoga 1 2 1 quite a bit but don't stop other people's assumption it was a paid job

(Quakers have always been MH orientated - back 400 years ago we set up the first institution to treat those with `mH problems with kindness, believing a cure could be possible, instead of the dreadful asylums, and it remains true to this day - those of us with MH problems are straightforward about it, if we chose to be, and accepted - one of the reasons its right for me)

Ding dong discussion with DocSis was late last night to this morning! We tend to chat when her DH has gone to bed as he does so early.

(I've been delighted that it's clear tha my local Sainsbugs are taking people on who are neurodiverse. Only one I have met wears the lanyard, but you can tell, and I am glad to report that some "regulars" make a real effort to enjoy a natter in ways the checkout person does too.
It's like my first DGS - what seems to work is the stick to practical "facts and figures" not emotional information sharing.

Glad to say I took the bull by the horns and rung Sis up.

Long story short......

I started by saying she had totally changed my view of the issue with her after the row. Which she has.

She them admitted she had been wrong to have given the impression (as in "I didn't mean what I said in the heat of the moment") that she thought I choose not to work.

We then put right some bits about each others issues - ie assumptions/memories made that were wrong - and ended on a very good note.

Came in to see if Sweetpeasue had posted any news. I'll come back in later.

If everyone is having the same weather, its very still and very hot, but not burning hot thankfully.

I had a really good chat with my Quaker friend, she is the one who has Bi Polar 1 herself, so we have a lot in common.

My NDN has agreed what we both felt - she keeps any tree or bush to give total privacy, I get anything else cut back for the light in the garden. Cost shared and some DIY. "I'll get the strimmer out this afternoon" she said. She's older than me.

Hi all.
HVDY- I can only take paracetamol cos of my meds so a hot water bottle has helped- just the thing on such a hot day😩
Keep doing a bit then resting.
Glad you enjoyed your roast- do you have horseradish with it?
SGC do feel just the same- they’re family and we’re lucky to have them. Your DGD sounds lovely . Hope you,ve had a good picnic today with LG and it hasn’t been too hot. It’s so hot here my DH who loves the sun sat out for about 2 minutes then came in!
SweetPeaSue- I do hope after today you will have a clearer picture of what is going on with your DH. Try not to panic our hearts are stronger than we think. Thinking of you both.
Doodle- lovely to be by the river with your Sons. Many memories for you but gentle ones. Must remind you of when they were little sitting enjoying your Ice creams. They sound kind and thoughtful like their Dad.
We’re lucky aren’t we to have close families. I couldn’t bear any sort of falling out it’s my worst nightmare.
Hope you get through the upcoming Anniversary with the help of your friends.
Wyllow- I love the thought of being held in the light- such a beautiful sentiment and expression.
I,m so sorry you lost your other sister- they are part of us aren’t they. Sometimes irritating or frustrating but always so loved.
I,m glad you were able to clear the air with Doc Sis . Life throws us all so many different emotions and experiences but some how we all struggle through. You have achieved much despite the burden of your illness.
We visited a shop on hols that was staffed by neurodiverse people. It was a joyful place - they made nice gifts and some fab artwork . We bought a couple of mugs we didn’t need but will remember them with every cuppa.
Your NDN sounds a treasure- I can relate to her!!

Love to all- those we miss and those not mentioned and anyone who reads .

Thanks for your kind thoughts HVDY.
Have come to caravan, but I just want home.
Cold pack maybe Scaredycat. I too only use paracetamol.
Good vibes and prayers as requested Sweetpeasue.
Hello to Doodle Wyllow3 EllieAnne and any other BDs reading.
Sending love.

Thanks for all your kindness and thoughts.

Journey meant to be 1 hr and half. Set off half 10 and got lost for 50 mins in Harrogate centre. Appt 1pm Asked a postman directions at 10to 1 ! DH wanted to cancel and drive home . Got to hospital 5 past 1. Loo visit then knocking on consultants door.
He looked at Doople ultrasound report that concluded SS then at addendum added when we went to our Vascular consultant for 2nd opinion , but got same consultant who'd said addendum showed scan had been looked at again and wasn't true SS. Consultant today said it was ridiculous and didn't make sense. Examination by him and concluded definitely SS but the Carotid artery is probably fully blocked . Sending him for CT to show arteries again and will do an operation on NHS at York , where he also works. There is risk that some plaque will go up carotid artery and could have stroke. DH has also got considerable muscle waste to left hand because he's not been able to use it because of SS.Consultant was amazed that DH had this for so long.
BUT the breathlessness and tight chest is not caused by SS. Which is what I've been concerned about. So now we need to be taken seriously about his chest pain. All this time ,from last September the GP saying he needs Spirometry test when inhalers were no good .
Now we need to go private for Cardiologist. We stopped at Thirsk for a drink and refreshment and DHs chest was so tight and he was struggling . I felt we should just go to A&E when we got back home but we were shattered.

Just need a break. Back later.

I'm sorry I've forgotten what SS is Sweetpeasue.
Wyllow3 such a nice thing to do lighting candle for Sweetpeasue. I can't read all your post, my eyes won't let me, but you sound so positive now and optimistic. You've come a long way.

So sorry Nadateturbe SS is Subclavian Steal Syndrome. It's rare so no reason you should know it really. Most people don't have symptoms but DH has had severe symptoms.s in his arm and hand for over a Yr now and the Vascular consultant in our large local hospital dismissed him.
I hope you can settle in your caravan. When you need comfort though there's no place like home.

Sweetpeasue so pleased you’ve finally had a positive diagnosis. The operation your Dh is due to have is one my DH had many years ago when the artery is his neck was completely blocked. Don’t let your DH do anything strenuous or lots of bending or things till he’s had his op. He should rest. I expect if his artery is blocked he will have it done soon.
Well done you for fighting so hard for him.
HvDY you are obviously very caring for your family SGD is lucky to have you. Have a good time with LG.
Wyllow I’m glad you’ve sorted things out with your sister. Quakers seems to be helping you again which is good.
Scaredycat I’m hoping your pain is better now. Have you been resting today? Yes family means everything to us.
I’ve had a nice lunch out today with art class friends. Very full now.
Nadateturbe thinking of you and Ellie Anne and Cathy .
Take care all

Thankyou Doodle I think the difference might be that in the vertebral artery the blood flow is moving in reverse and , think he said, stealing blood from the brain .He said the breathlessness and tight chest is not to do with the Subclavian Steal so I think DH has something else causing that. I certainly don't think COPD as he has no cough. Thanks for the advice about strenuous activity. Not sure when it will be. He said he'd try and do it on the NHS in York but the CT scan he is referring DH for might take up to a month when I asked him.
I feel so very alone. Son 2 went back to work in Shetlands this morning . Glad you are all here but I'm so scared as the chest tightness getting worse and he's taking breaths more often ,seems really worn out.

Sweetpeasue thanks, I just couldn't remember. Well done you on getting a result, but you've had to fight so hard. I am angry for you. But better just to concentrate all your energy on keeping up your efforts. I hope things move fast, and I pray your DH gets a cardiology appointment soon. I hope he takes Doodles advice. Giving you a big hug.

Doodle. Thank you.
We are home again Sweetpeasue.
Managed a short trip to our favourite spot in the Mournes, but not up to doing much. Not even painting. Glad to be home. At least I tried.
Apologies for not chatting to you all. Everyone is important but I can only do little bits.. xx

Nadateturbe Glad you're back home again. Don't see it as failure- you tried and you yourself know your ability to do things ,though sometimes it's good to reach out further to see if those things are possible. Never stop trying , but accept when it's not possible. Must be so hard to know that intricate balance.
Yes, I am angry too, as it needn't have been like this. Thankyou so much for your prayers and that hug.x

Sweetpeasue, yes, we're here, and I hope you can borrow your lovely sometime dog for a cuddle. When is your psychology appointment? I've forgotten, sorry.

I read your headlines - Sending him for CT to show arteries again and will do an operation on NHS at York , where he also works

So something definite is on its way, and I was glad to read that Doodle knows about it
Its been a huge, huge day, for youof course now you are back you've gone into the panic about the Big Hugeness of It All.

Right now - Lie on your back, put your legs up the wall, and do some deep breathing. Breathe into your tummy, loosen your jaw and all the there bits of your body that have all got wound up tight.
Remember - A and E is a car drive away, 111 gets a quick pick up for someone scheduled for an operation like that Think of it this way - if you can calm a little, you will be more effective if help needed

Ah, nadateturbe when at out most needy and tired, its often our own bed we want. I hope the sun and is it seaside (awful memory, moi) may heal a little.

Such a warm and loving post, Scaredycat - yes, it was a really big thing with DocSis: and we have come out better and stronger together. I'm concerned about you -especially as tomorrow is predicted as a heat wave. I think you'll have to face a boring day indoors with maybe a classic film - I'm talking Casablanca, Out of Africa....

Doodle Quakers is at the heart of all I do and feel and think really.

The Quaker I had a coffee with - we agreed at that the group just at this point is very, very special. Most people there - I know them - have faced great pain or their loved ones have, in one way or another.
It produces a very special space indeed - its serendipity for it to be now. the big Quaker meeting in the middle of town is very different, busier, more people to know, more active - the small meeting is Mary rather than Martha just now.

But you know that from your experience - as your church seems to be working really well and supportively