BLACK DOG 26

Doodle You posted round about the time I did, so I missed yours. Happy birthday. You've had a long day out and must be tired. Afternoon tea is always good.

SweetpeaSue Hope you have some nice days with Fluffball. DIL's mum will hopefully get on well. Son1's GF says it's been 40 degrees there today - I couldn't stand that.

ScaredyCat I do hope your friend gets on well and that the chemotherapy is successful.

DH has gone out to see if he can see any meteors. I was yapping on the 'phone (friend rang for an hour), so not sure where he's gone. Hope everyone has a peaceful night x

It was incredible.

Her's from my diary (I record it on my mobile and send it to an email so its the spoken word)

"Get ready and go out to see Alyssa, who is the top manager of special-needs flats in my City, at Ex's block of flats, in the office.

Got in a right tizz getting ready because I wanted to look good but not overdo it. I was very late leaving indeed, but managed having memorize the journey from the night before just making two mistakes getting there.

A, the head manager is a small very kind quietly confident person - she’s in the past being the children’s court guardian and that kind of similar management carer role

so she was able to understand absolutely where I was coming from including the mental health side, and I got the impression that she had engaged with Simon quite a bit she mentioned one occasion and feels sympathetic towards him.

Therefore, I believe I can feel Ex under someone’s care who I trust and I also felt she absolutely trusted me and what I was trying to do.

She certainly had no idea what he has done to me'; I started by showing her the official note where I am given proection against him which he will have had to have seem - and some of the things he said, and his arrest for abuse, and the times he said things like most men would want me dead etc: other attitude morrows mine, which is 'he was very sick.

We understood we both felt \'reparative\'forgive" in the way forward

I was disappointed didn’t see him by accident. But probably for the best. I showed her what was in the letter (permitted as she is in a position legally allowed to read it)

I felt this enormous "weight off shoulder" relief

Its in Ex's hands to contact me, but I suspect she will do a little nudging now.

She was more nervous than she needed to be about me seeing him because I’m not frightened anymore.

If you read everything or listen to everything I say about him, you would think I had reason to be frightened Except as time worked on the fear turned to depression and total isolation when I wasn't thinking much of it except he partly caused this.

The last sentence was I can’t remember exactly the words It’s if Simon if Simon asks about me, we agreed she will say was the effect of well you’ll have to ask her, but the last sentence indicated to me that she might be slightly more active in promoting it just a feeling.

Good job I rung DS for a natter. they are only coning to the area for a long weekend! best for me really, its created free days to relaxy in,

lovely moon hight up in th e East atm.

Well get back to finish tomorrow, its straight to bed right now!

The other really really big thing that happened yesterday the 1pm meeting with my CPN, and I'd flagged up we needed to talk about whether we worked well together.

Bless - many times I tried to get her to change from constantly suggesting this, that or the other to my poor tired mind - she was so wanting to heal, to help!

I had told her many times of the GP long ago who said, "I cant take away your pain, but I can walk with you".

She is -and of course I let her know big time - a marvellous CPN - and most depressive people she works with do respond well to her approach.
As well as being very caring she is also tops at "making needful things happen" more efficiently than many.

..but...sigh... I'm the sort who feels bombarded by it.

So I told her for example it was really great she got me out to the park - walk, fresh air

- but once we were there, it would have been better for her to say, "oh, look, the buds are starting up on the trees" "the river isnt very high, is it? "not that little by, isnt he the same age as your DGS.

So she said of course, why didn't you tell me you felt bombarded?

I said "I was afraid of losing you, you would think I am horrible and say you couldn't come anymore"

Past CPN's have been of the "walking with me" sort and clearly were appointed with an understanding of my needs.

Problem atm is how short they are of staff, but a sort of "swap" may work, as she really is a very good CPN.

As I said, "there are so many that would benefit from how you work, more than I do, in a way, its sort of wasting your talents"

(My psychologist got the balance right, but of course, she has known me for a very long time)

*I felt very nervous/depressed when I woke up this morning that I had "done something dreadful" to my CPN and "hurt her terribly"

But in fact we parted on genuinely warm terms and she has promised to do something, and she will, so I have parked that fear where it belongs.

It's so hot, are other BD's wilting too? Today's plans lf taking it easy got stalled by a row with the Locksmith who didn't do an adequate job. Several emails between me and top bloke, end up getting top blokes wife and me and her put heads together and I got a refund for half the job £42 - so it was worth it. (goes away muttering about some men whodunit like being challenged by intelligent women etc etc)

I hope you had your peaceful night, HVDY. Have you had LG today, what did you do in the heat, or was if a "day off"?

How have you been today, Sweetpeasue? I so hope that DH’s problems have not got worse - the heat must make everything more difficult, I believe.

And have you had another seafront walk, Ellie Anne?

I hope you are keeping cool too, Scaredycat and that you feel more settled, nadeturbe

Looking forward to hearing from everyone after you have hopefully just speed-read my “Essays”

Hi all
Wyllow- well you did it and felt the relief you were hoping for. Although I think you had a secret hope of an accidental sighting. You are right - it was for the best and the manager understands the situation very well. Now it’s time to look forward. A visit from your Sis will be an emotional one but so good to see her again.
As for your meeting with the CPN it sounds like you were able to explain your feelings very clearly . Wanting to sometimes talk more superficially and not always be steered into delving into personal stuff. It will have helped her understand you even better. So good to hear you dealt with your morning worries in such a rational and sensible way and you are right to feel confident. What a long way you have come.
HVDY- thank you for your kindness re my friend. I feel so sad for her - she’s such a tiny little person but she has a lovely family and husband and lives only 10 minutes away. So can see her easily.
Did DH see any meteors?
Doodle - Was it Church today? We have no sun at all so it’s much more comfortable. Hope you had a good Birthday sleep.
SweetPeaSue- Hope Fluffball is keeping you on your toes.

Love to all

Wyllow I'm so glad that the letter delivery went off so well. Probably for nest really that you didn't encounter ex-- he might be more approachable/ calm after he's read letter. Also the manager sounds really capable and nice so your ex will listen to her too. Little by little connection - not full on F2F with him .
Hopefully your MH carer relationship will continue to flourish now she has learnt little more. She really does sound as if she's trying her best .
Great that your son is coming up for the weekend so you can get together.
I remembered you saying about the bad job with locksmith. Good you have now got the refund you deserved.

Nice v short walk in woods with Fluffball ( only covered about half a mile but enough on such a hot day for us all)
DH got email from Vascular surgeon's sec and also letter from surgeon to GP about the appt. He said DH has also occlusion in carotid artery aswell as plaque in Subclavian artery. He heard bruit in both arteries ( whereas Rheumatologist heard only one in Subclavian artery 18mths ago). Honestly I'm so annoyed at the previous Vascular surgeon who dismissed my DH then as she was so very wrong to do so. Vascular had already told us he had Subclavian Steal and knew about his arm/ hand pain-- then on second opinion, saw her again and she said there had been an addendum put on saying the scan had been looked at again and it wasn't SS. DH might not have deteriorated so much. Private Vascular surgeon asked GP to send a referral letter so he could treat DH on NHS. Later a message came through from GP to say letter had been sent straight off, so accepted.
We need yo get the breathlessness/ chest sorted now as surgeon yesterday said they're nothing to do with SS.
The head of practice GP is on Friday and we were going to try see her about that so I cancelled psychologist. Now DH says best to see her Tuesday when she's on as my car booked in to garage that morning ( air con gone). I need that sorting as I can't drive DHs and we never know when I'll need mine .

DH very breathless as usual but he's been out of the heat all afternoon.
A lady from bookgroup, who's DH died a few mths ago- I'd promised to meet for coffee called last week so I'll meet up with her tomorrow ( hope DH is ok) . This lady is very nice and called me occasionally when I was at my worst. She doesn't realise how bad I was and I've never ' put on her' about it . However she's always very interested in medical stuff( she's a retired nurse) and asked about my DH at the classes so I think it will help me enormously and it will be good for her too.

Hoping everyone is coping with this heat. Temp in car just now after taking Fluffball back was 30.

Sorry Wyllow Just realised after * Scaredycat's* post it's your sis that's coming.

Wyllow3 You went, gave the letter, and now the Manager understands the circumstances. You say you were disappointed that you didn't bump into your ex, but perhaps it's for the best that you didn't. It wasn't meant to be. You spoke with your CPN, and it's good that she now understands how you felt. You are right that it would have been better for her to have spoken about positive things - buds coming into flower, nicer weather, etc. Glad you got things sorted with the locksmith. Little Girl goes to her other granny on Wednesdays - she lives near Derby - so I did aqua aerobics (the cool water was so refreshing). I hate this weather, so have only pottered in the house. Even Jaffa has been too exhausted to go out.

ScaredyCat Your friend will be glad of your support, especially when her family might be at work. No, he didn't see any meteors - he probably went too early. We live just down the road from the highest point in Nottingham (it's very hilly around here)

Hope everyone's managing in this heat. DIL messaged this morning - it's 40 degrees in Corfu! x

Went to the woods today because it’s cooler among the trees.i was a bit annoyed that my legs don’t seem able to walk far these days.
It’s been warm but keeps clouding over.
Glad everything worked out Wyllow.

Thank you all for your birthday wishes. Kind of you
Scaredycat I’m so sorry about your friend. What awful news. As we get older these things happen more often. I hope the chemo helps
Ellie Anne I’m so glad you’ve got the sea near by. Must be a comfort to walk in the beach, no I’ve not had trouble with GN. Perhaps contact admin for help.

Wyllow glad you got to deliver your letter and felt good about the person looking after your Ex. Positive chat with your CPN too. Hope things work out there, Time to concentrate on you now .
HVDY 40 degrees and I would be melted I think. I can’t cope with that sort of heat. Hope they have a good time though
I did have a lovely time yesterday thank you. Far too much food though Felt full for hours after.
Sweetpeasue glad you’ve heard from the vascular chap so quickly and your GP has referred your Dh on the NhS. Hopefully things are moving now and he will get seen soon.
Fluffball must give you lots of distraction and cuddles. So sweet.

Its its my whole family, Son, DiL, 4 grandchildren, Friday evening, leaving on Monday: so I am seeing the Saturday at mine (Park, Mcdonalds play at my house) and Sunday at the lodge they are staying at. (hot tub, hang around and generally enjoy)

I've just been having really good fun working on little gifts, as I wanted to give them all something quirky (remember DGD1 has that crocodile)

I went and put DS thinking it meant Dear Son
( for the future, she is DocSis)

It is a blessing Scardeycat that the family are close.

You see, it hasn't happened to me yet - ie a family member or friend really have a long decline - it's been strokes and the like.
So I don't know how I would feel except of course very sad.

How are you? You were very under par a couple of days ago.

Sweetpeasue I have 2 people in MH supporting me. The regular one I saw is a Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN). I've not "made it better" (tho I have in one sense)

We are looking to actually change my CPN. The other is the Psychologist who has known me from before the Ex period so very very special, I see her less.
If you get support from MH services, if you are "in the system", your "key worker" will be a CPN, occasionally a senior OT

I'm so very glad you have Fluffball, the more the better! I found a sorry looking creature deep in a patch of geraniums and I thought, "this needs "Sweetpeasue repair work" (photo for you to see)

Can you postpone the psychologists session not cancel it? I'm sure DH would want you to go, he's seen you so upset?

I'll be interested to see how the meet up with your new contact goes. always good if you find someone who might be a friend.

HVDY oh , absolutely the spot on exercise to do in this weather - nice and cool. 40 degrees - phew - mind you, if its dry heat, not our heavy stuff, its easier to tolerate as I found.

Warm waves to you Doodle

It is frustrating if we cant walk as far as we used to, Ellie Anne - dont you think the hear makes a difference to energy levels, tho - it does to me now, but it didn't when I was younger.

Hi all
SweetPeaSue- Do hope that now things will start to happen a bit quicker for DH.
It will be nice for you to have someone to chat with who understands more than most about medical matters. Persevering with the Book Club has now maybe put a nice new friend your way- she’s too needs a kindly ear.
Fluffball must wish she wasn’t so fluffy in this heat.Half a mile was plenty in the current temperatures.
HVDY- I,ve just spoken to my friend and she’s filled me in as much as possible. It’s very serious and she feels ghastly but soldiers on bravely. She can only eat mushy stuff so has supplementary sachets to keep her strength up. An Op would be too dangerous so she is facing 6 months of Chemo. To make matters worse her DH has done something to his back so can’t do too much either.
Must have been nice to get in the pool yesterday. It’s a bit cooler today but not much.
My back is still hurting but have got some Deep Freeze to put on which is nice.
EllieAnne- it is annoying when our legs that used to walk miles start to be uncooperative. Do what you can though - use it or lose it.
Woods are my least favourite places to walk - I find them a bit creepy. You are lucky to have the choice of woodland and beach.
Doodle- thank you. I,m so sad about my friend - it’s really hit me hard. But she is the one suffering so will do what I can.
Extremes of weather do seem to affect us as we get older- like everything else!! 40 degrees is awful especially if it’s humid too.
You did have a blow out - once in a while it’s lovely though isn’t it.
Hope you are doing something nice today.
Wyllow- I,m OK thanks . Back still being a b….r but it,ll get better- walked up to get a paper this morning to let it know who’s boss!!
What a lovely weekend you have to look forward to. Hope it’s full of love and laughter. The children will love your quirky gifts . You sound very contented and full of enthusiasm - wonderful.

DH is out in the garden hoovering up Pigeon feathers !! Our little furry visitor dispatched him I think. He was sitting in the corner of the garden looking very pleased with himself. But that’s what cats do .
Love to all . Missing some of our friends - look forward to future visits xx

I seem to be in a very bad BD state atm. I have my arm in a sling still and for another two weeks after my shoulder replacement surgery which I badgered everyone for. I was in agony with arthritis, but now feel so down and I should be happy it is now done! So many people in such worse positions too. But I am where I am, stuck in the same four walls, can do very little, I miss my little car and my swimming and general freedom. What an ungrateful wretch I am! My surgery was four weeks ago and the sling is my constant companion even in bed!

What a lovely post Scaredeycat. I actually recommend proper foot massage: yes, for backs: Least risky. ( loads of nerves all run down to underneath the feet)
Are you doing the lying in bed gently raising legs moving v slowly so the lower back gets padded massage?

My day has been gloriously bizarre and distressing due to mostly unpredictable events.

First thing I awoke terribly low: just too many Huge people Things in a short time: I knew it wouldn’t last, and some ordinary admin using the printer gave me confidence (skills returned)

Mr Resin Man (P) came after I’d gone out to get sone money (no luck) but tested my bike at the shop (needs tweaking).

It’s extraordinary how well we got on, he is v creative, warm, family type talk, children, grandchildren:

Totally shared approach to the work needing done.
Anyway, he’s actually the son of the huge firm that actually does the work, and said they can do the whole thing broom tomorrow, gulp said yes, (roofer would be here too, small job)

Any way long story short at the end he said’ god bless’ and it was no surprise he had a faith to me and my sort too ( open minded) because it was so comfortable talking about personal things to a stranger. I told him about Ex, he shared a family situation and so on.

Then of course it was too big and serendipity so I had panic symptoms for the second time, the first time I thought I might have to ring,

but remembered the saying, ‘feel the fear, but do it’

This time the breakthrough was a wave of the spirit, and a verse from the Bible also relating to fear and comfort as you are not alone at some deep level

(Whether it be the fellowship of friends, or a spiritual one)

It was a huge relief when the roofer rung and changed it to Monday!

So now I am at my fave Costa after Sainsbugs sticking up on cool drinks/ biscuits so the workmen tomorrow can help themselves.

I sort of wish I’d put off the work tomorrow ……but I am so fed up of my green weedy path instead off lovely speckled sandy colours. All done nicely and the brick path all pointed weed free.

I’ll come in later to see what others have been up to. I’ve done too much, but had things to get ready for family too.

Ah, Sallywally it’s no wonder you are feeling down, there’s a lot of loss and change in what you can do there.

This awful thought… lots of BD’s feel it….”I should feel grateful” is a sort of guilt as in one way you have been fortunate, but in reality you are suffering and have had a lot of change in a sort time.

It often happens in BD’s that people are concerned they aren’t as ill as others to have their say, but here we always say, everyone is different, we never compare x.

Sallywally i have recently recovered from a broken wrist. Not as bad as your shoulder but I couldn’t drive or do things and I know it beings you down. It won’t last. Things will get better and your movement return. It’s hard though not being able to look after yourself properly.
Wyllow glad you got n with Mr Resin. Sounds like he was easy to chat to. Lovely you’ll get to spend time with your family.
Scaredycat so sorry for your friend. 6 months of chemo will be hard. Hope her husbands back is better soon.
Sorry your back is still hurting, hope the Deep freeze helps. Have you thought of an ice sheet that you can put in the freezer then you can lay on it or wrap it round you. DH had one which we used a lot to help with the pain or irritation.
Sweetpeasue hope you had a nice time with the lady from book club. If she’s recently bereaved she may be looking for someone to chat to. Nice she can meet up with you.
HVDY hope you’re doing ok. Are your family still in holiday? Any plans for the weekend.
I’m sitting here having a little snivel. Sometimes something comes into my mind . Had a nice afternoon at the church hall afternoon tea, lots of home made goodies.

Shorter post as extreme tiredness.
Wyllow Oh that poor little fella looks as if he's been amongst the geraniums for decades! If I was a miracle worker I'd give him a mouth first so he could have a voice.
What a lovely man ,P, and such an interesting conversation. Does us good to know there are so many nice people about. Sorry about your panic but we'll done for lasting it out and overcoming it with spiritual words.
Sallywally That's so hard so don't be hard on yourself. It must feel like being a prisoner in your own home. 'No man is an island' comes to mind which I need to remind myself of as I'm quite an introvert , but we do need other people. It is natural for you to miss the things you are used to doing . I'm sure you are glad to have the shoulder op over with so that's good. Having the sling on must be so difficult for you to do everyday things though and I do sympathise. Just don't chide yourself and I hope it won't be long before you get the sling off. Take care of yourself and ' this too will pass' xx
Scaredycat Oh I'm so sorry for that back pain. Wyllows suggestion sounds helpful to try but don't do anything that aggravates it. Your poor friend - you must feel sad indeed and difficult to know what to say- though I'm sure you will find the right ones as you are so compassionate. Hope her DH gets better soon so he can help more.
Oh dear, - pigeon feathers- and one cat with no regrets!
HVDYDoodle**EllieAnne * Nadateturbe Hope you've been OK today, Love to those not in and not personally mentioned.

Chat with friend was lovely. She's been in book group for at least 10 yrs so we've spoken and know each other. She was kind enough to phone me a few times when I was so ill. Never really at length so it was good. Her DH died 10mths ago and she's Tring to get out as much as she can though her balance isn't good.
So extremely tired now. Wishing all a peaceful night.x

Sweetpeasue just smiling as your meet up went well.
Sound like serendipity working for you at last.

I’m picturing a plethora of delicious cakes Doodle but of course then you go away and get home and it hits you x for the weeping.

ScaredyCat Your poor friend. Chemotherapy will be gruelling, won't it. Has she got a family who might help her and her husband? I hope your back soon feels better. Oh, the cat must have felt so proud . It's what some cats do.

Doodle Son1 and family will be back in the early hours of Monday. They've shared lots of photos with us, and the place looks beautiful. The hotel is on the beachfront. GDs have messaged me. I suppose those sad moments will surface every so often . Nothing anyone can say to help, but I'm glad you don't spend a lot of time alone.

Wyllow3 That man sounded friendly and easy to chat with. You must be looking forward to seeing your family after all this time.

SallyWally You must be quite frustrated about having to wear a sling all the time. How long will your recovery take? At least it's not a permanent thing. Have you got someone to help you with things?

SwetpeaSue Glad you're keeping up with book club and that you've got a friend to chat with. How's your husband? The weather is better today - as it made any difference to him?

It's been a long (but good) day - left the house at 7.30am, went on a coach trip to Stratford-Upon-Avon, had a really nice day, with a boat ride as well. Got home at 7.15, DH has just gone to collect an Indian takeaway. x

Doodle Yes, the lady does need people to be with and talk to. She has an art class and U3A poetry as well as book group. Like you she needs to try and keep distracting but I can tell its hard for her. Sorry about your sadness tonight- sending love and a hug.
HVDY Book group is U3A run now so finished till Sept. DH still the same- getting afraid to leave him really. We're trying to see GP again tomorrow for F2F
( crossed fingers) as something needs to be done about chest/ breathlessness and if she can't get him into hospital we want referring to Cardiologist. Disgusting that we need to do this, inhuman and disgraceful. I literally feel my DH is being left to die. It's serious. Thanks for asking. What a lovely day you've had - it all sounds right up my street. To finish off with takeaway too.😊
Wyllow Glad I made you smile. X

Hi all
Sallwally1- Ah you must have been so relieved to get your Operation done but now the reality of recovery has hit you like a ton of bricks. Of course you are missing all those things that we normally take for granted but as each day passes you,ll get stronger both mentally and physically. Youre not ungrateful but just reacting to what’s happened. In a couple,of weeks you,ll be free of the sling and able to start building your strength again. As Wyllow said there’s no comparisons here- we all try to understand and help each other. Nice to have you here.
Wyllow- I expect the first minutes of waking was crammed full of ‘to dos’ and ‘ must dos’ - so normal but new for you right now.
A nice,person to talk to and one who understood your situation
well - but another encounter that awakened other feelings too so a bit overwhelming. Then a breakthrough “feel the fear and do it anyway” I have said those words to myself many times.
Your,garden will look great when that work is done- you have done so much this week but all good .
Doodle- had a long chat with my friend and they can’t operate as it would be too dangerous. I,m devastated for her. I,ve not heard of an ice sheet-:it sounds interesting.I,m sorry you feel sad tonight sometimes those memories just flood in and release the tears don’t they. How,is your wrist now is it getting towards normal again?
SweetPeaSue - so glad you got on well with your “new” friend. She sounds kind and hopefully will be someone you can forge a good friendship with.

I have just had a text to say my friends DH is in Hospital after seeing the Doctor. Chest infection and low oxygen levels. How cruel can life be. Her Son is just round the corner so she’s got someone there.
Love to all - here and absentxxxx

Oh Scaredycat - not good, not good at all. I'm glad someone in the family is there xxx
Keep us posted x

What a great day, HVDY. I did smile at the days end, what else .........but the curry..Korma, was it? 🤔

Have read everyone's posts. Thinking of you all. Goodnight everyone. Hope it's a peaceful one xx

Scaredycat I'm so sorry . Thinking of you and sending love.x