Black Dogs 27

Read all your posts, wont respond to all of them or it would be pages long. One thing amongst others resonated with me was Doodle saying how not having stairs has affected her. Years ago, when i was suffering from a really bad knee and back I said to my GP maybe its time I moved to a flat or a bungalow, he said if you do that you won’t be able to do stairs at all in 12 months time. Sometimes i almost drag myself up stairs when bad but I always manage. I must go up and down a dozen times a day. Know if you have bad mobility a flat or bungalow is necessary but if you can manage stairs safely it helps your stability.
Had another dark time few weeks ago, but coming out of it. Getting worse the older I get and I do less.
Love to you all and have a good day,

Wyllow3 Now that you've told the man about being inappropriate, he might not do it again. Don't let his actions put you off attending Quakers.

SweetpeaSue When Son2 could talk, he wouldn't, apart from with us at home. He went to a nursery (2 hours every morning) that was attached to the school on our street, aged 3, and the teacher said she was concerned because they'd never heard him talk, and that he refused to answer when he was spoken to. He was like it at school, until he was perhaps 6 or 7. My dad used to say he was eccentric . LG is the same.

Awake at 4.45, for the loo, but was unable to get back to sleep - a certain song kept going through my head, also a programme I'd watched. I'm tired before the day has started! Not to worry. Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

Wyllow Its so understandable that you are sensitive about men 'stepping out of line' when youve been through such abuse and your antenna wants to nip it in the bud as soon as you see it. I expect the man recognises his mistake now and I hope he apologised . Please dont beat yourself up about it- Im sure this will pass and you can continue with Quaker meetings as you did. Im sorry the incident has left you feeling uncomfortable , I think all of us would feel upset so only natural .
Scaredycat Your posts show such kindness and empathy for us all and its amazing how you have come through such a terrible tragedy in your life but are not bitter . HVDY is right you're an inspiration.
HVDY I remember my own DGS seemed a little behind in talking and also developed a little stutter. I felt so concerned but it all passed fairly quickly. LG sounds such a happy confident child. Funny how you saw similarities with your son as my own son had a speech impediment too as a child.
Ah I wonder what outfit LG will turn up as.

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Some very difficult thoughts tonight. something happened at Quakers: cant say much: but a man whose age is now clouding his good judgment stepped out of line in the meeting by overriding the woman who was responsible for running it that day on something important, and then behaved rather inappropriately at the end when we were alone.

I've taken him to task for the stepping out of line in the meeting by text but should really have consulted others about that, tho I have told the woman who was responsible for running it (and about the inappropriate hug, as he has been warned).

I just feel really guilty because he is old but he was behaving like an arrogant male, (I took him to task about that not the hug)

I realised I get angry too easily about men doing what he did - Unfortunately the 2 people who might have overridden him with confidence were not there this week - the woman running it is not very confident.

And it's my haven. Sigh - but it's done, and I dont regret the action, just the effect it has had on me. I wasn't heavy about it, just direct.

Doodle Hope you had a nice time with the people you met for drinks and nibbles with. You're very sociable and lovely, and it's great that you mix with so many different people.

SweetpeaSue LG still isn't really talking, apart from a few words like animal noises (Woof woof, etc). She understands everything that's said to her and can follow instructions, such as fetching her shoes, putting toys away, etc. I remember her dad, Son2, being the same. It's good that you still take your aunt out. Nice that she remembers people in photos and wants to chat about them.

Wyllow3 It brightened up here and was sunny, from about 2pm. The botanical gardens sound such a lovely place to visit. Not many good days are left for picnics.

ScaredyCat You must have been fairly young when your son died. Awful to cope with. You're an inspiration and such a kind lady.

Looking forward to seeing LG tomorrow. It's a Halloween pary at the playgroup (it'll be shut for the following 2 weeks), so DIL is going to send her in an appropriate outfit. Hope ALL BDers have arestful night x

Hi all
Wyllow- I think that’s a good point that perhaps we should sometimes give our AC a chance to care for us- but as you say don’t go overboard!! When I think how young I was when tragedy struck my AC are now over 20 yrs older than I was then.
Ooh that awful” aww bless” it makes me want to be sick- I,m old not daft!!
Well done for fighting your corner- don’t mess with Wyllow!
Hope you,ll still be able to visit your family.
HVDY- we just had coffee at Costas - my DD loves those pumpkin lattes.
Glad your Son got a good car - it would have been a right pain to have to do that long complicated journey to work.
Jaffa was just being a cat I guess- so glad he’s not poorly.
Hope DGD feels better soon - she must have been so uncomfortable.
Doodle- hope you,ve enjoyed your “do” - was it with your church friends?
It’s lovely how your family have reassured you about Christmas. You are all kind to each other - that’s so important.
Isn’t it nice when you strike up a random chat with new people. I think sometimes young people are just as lonely as the older generation..
EllieAnne- you have nothing to lose by trying again with ADs. Who knows you might get one that really helps you.
You don’t seem to have any happy moments right now so why not give them another try as Wyllow suggested.
SweetPeaSue- hope you’re both OK and managed to have a relaxing day.
Love to all - mentioned or those in our thoughts often

Just listening to her is a real gift, Sweetpeasue, I'm glad you were able to do it, and I hope your night is peaceful.

I'm so very glad about the car, HVDY. What a huge relief. It's been really lovely here, but my Sis reported mist for quite a bit of the day as you did.

I went to Quakers of course in the morning - so lovely, so moving, and more new young people coming. Its delightful to chat with them and lots of little bits and bobs - the young people finding the way to a place for quiet spiritual contemplation in a difficult world.

A theme was that Love/love only is possible if we accept that suffering is part of it - the dark and the light again.

I did a short but intense work out at the gym, want to be able to get on my bike on holiday with a bit of confidence, then the Botanical Gardens full of the most lovely colours, people out and smiling or having a picnic.

but my mind in a very self punishing place. Lots of "why did I say this! why didnt I think before sending that this or that text, and so on. I can be my worst enemy, as yesterday was good, and I was out to ruin today. I don't think I did anything dreadful, but definitely bad judgements, especially one text...at least I can spot it these days but I knew I was at risk of doing it today but still did. 😢

BiL has another spell in hospital, but Docsis said it's just getting the meds right, on the whole the cancer is under control.

Doodle, my visit to the family in the first week in November is fine, it's just ?? around Christmas - just something that will be last minute.

I hope tonight is a good, sustaining meeting for you xx

I'm thinking of other BD's tonight, wondering how folks who've come in, in the past, are doing. xx

Doodle Enjoy your company this evening - youve so many new friends and that's all down to how much effort youve made (plus ,of course, people are drawn to nice kind souls !)
You're so right about not being able to relax until DH gets treated.
HVDY So glad Jaffa turned out to be OK, the little devil.
Now I think of it I remember being a little concerned when my DGS didnt seem to mix or get involved with others at nursery but now I realise its just normal development. Aw LG must live going to nursery to race in and not look back- that's lovely and good for you too!
Glad your son loves his new car , that must have been a relief.
* EllieAnne* There are so many different ADs out there now and I think there must be one that doesn't make you 'flat' as you put it. Of course it must be your decision but even if you dont fancy taking them it would be a good idea to have a talk with a GP about your feelings. If you dont like the first you talk to , do try another. It must be making you ill keeping all this sadness to yourself . As for Christmas, I do think there's so much hype around it now and I dont enjoy it as much as I used to. Are you learning any new songs in your choir?
Scaredycat You must be glad to have one eye procedure out of the way and so glad that you can already tell the difference. I hope it wasn't too uncomfortable. It is nice watching the young ones - used to be a programme on a few yrs ago where it gave you a peep into how little ones play and interact. Although some was interesting I found some parts quite achingly sad when some fell out. You just want to protect them from the hard things in life.
Wyllow Hope the weather is fair for you tomorrow when your gardener comes. Its been an incredibly mild start to the month and some of my flowers are re- flowering . Oh Im so pleased you can see your family in January whatever is in store for Christmas though yes, that would be great to be there on the morning. You'll be getting excited about your little holiday and be looking forward to seeing the place of your childhood memories. I think the weather forecast is looking reasonable.
Had to smile at the way you lost your bike helmet-- so easy to do.
You are so right about ' living in the moment' . Now , is all we can be certain of isn't it.

Took aunt out yesterday morning. Not seen her for a couple of weeks. Her memory steadily getting worse but showed her some photos of my mam n dad when they first met. She likes to tell the same stories.

Thinking of those not in and hoping everyone is ok.Peaceful night to you all.

Afternoon folks. I won’t be in later as I’m going out.
HVDY glad Jaffa was just being particular and not ill.
So pleased your son got his car. Hope it’s a good buy.
Wyllow good to hear you’re getting ready for your trip., hope it’s so enjoyable you stay an extra day. Good you will see your family in January too.
Ellie Anne if you’re unhappy anyway why not try the ADs. As Wyllow said there are many kinds. You say they make you feel flat but you sound quite low on many occasions. Wouldn’t it be worth a try to see if they help.
Scaredycat and Sweetpeasue hope you have a restful day today.
I’ve been to church now off to an evening (afternoon) get together with nibbles and drinks.

Son1 got a car.... Ford Focus, 99k miles, 2018, 6 months MOT, just under £4k, so he's happy, and very relieved.

EllieAnne Not all antidepressants are the same. With many GP surgeries having thousands of patients, nobody really has a relationship with one particular doctor any more, but that shouldn't matter, really. When I needed help, I wrote down all my feelings (I did so in a bullet-point list) and handed it to the GP. All receptionists are required to ask what the problem is, so that they can decide whether the patient needs to be seen by a GP, nurse, or someone else (Physiotherapist, for example). ADs can't change your circumstances, but they can help you to think differently. You've been unhappy for a long time, but only you can change that.

Wyllow3 Thanks. I hope this car Son1 is going for will be ok and he gets it; otherwise, it'd mean him getting 3 buses to work, taking 2 hours (40 minutes in the car). I really hope all is ok for you to still visit your family. I know how much you've been looking forward to it.

It's foggy and cool here (on days like this I'm so pleased I'm retired - gone are the days of being out at 6.30 - 7am) Another idle day here. Love to all x

(I'm going up for my birthday anyway which is 3rd weekend ish in January).

There are great differences between different anti-depressants, Ellie Anne. Some yes do "flatten" mood but others absolutely do not. The different kinds work differently on the brain and therefore feelings. Yes there are pills for unhappiness.

It cant change the situation, but may help you view it differently.

Thoughts verging on the suicidal are pretty high on the list of what you can reasonably ask for an appointment for.

Please, Ellie Anne, give it a try xxxxxx

I'm hoping that DH and Son1 find just the right car, HVDY.

No problem, Doodle, tomorrow is Quakers and a good long pamper at the gym: I have to finish altering 2 pairs of trousers:

Monday is at home packing and sorting: my nice gardener comes to do bits and bobs before it gets colder and I usually .
I leave in the car early Tuesday, and stay until Thursday, although if I am feeling good and the room is free I may splash out on an extra night.

I'm glad your family will look after you x

It's more complicated than I thought re me going up to family. I rung DS and it appears there are some DiL family troubles complicating matters.

So we left it with me explaining basically what I only really want to know, and it doesn't matter how close the time is, whether (and if they want it) I can just drive up to share the exciting family morning unpacking presents bit which I have never been to.

I gave him strong instructions it is totally fine if they just want it "for the family".

I have been on ad s before. They deadened all my emotions so I suppose i didn’t feel so low but didn’t have any happy moments.
I don’t have a relationship with any of the drs. I don’t go often and just take whoever is available. Unless it’s an emergency you are waiting 3 weeks for app and have to tell receptionist what it’s for.
I think I’m just unhappy and there is no pill for that.

Doodle Scarletina IS Scarlet fever. I had it a few years ago and felt really unwell. The rash was all over both legs, thigh to shin. Jaffa has been very naughty in not touching his food, but he enjoyed freshly-cooked chicken this evening. He hasn't been I'll, just awkward . It's nice to chat to people when we're out and about, isn't it.

Scaredycat so pleased you’re happy with your cataract op and you can see better. Nice to go for a coffee and watch the youngsters. My friend and I went for our flu and covid jabs today. While I was waiting for my friend I got chatting to a young couple with a daughter, we had a lovely chat such nice people. Getting out somewhere does you good.
HvDY so sorry your DGD is feeling poorly, yes good thing to keep an eye on her. When I was a child I had Scarletina which I think is a form of scarlet fever. Had to have the curtains drawn to protect my eyes and stay in bed,
I love doing craft things, even if they’re simple stuff I love it.
Hope your son finds a decent car. Poor Jaffa I hope he improves soon
Sorry Wyllow I’m not sure if you’ve gone away or are still at home. Good you’re getting things sorted though. I’ve had a few battles with DVLA this week it can all be so frustrating can’t it. Well done for getting through it all.
Family are fine about Christmas. They all know how I feel and will take care of me.
Sweetpeasue nice you had fun with Fluffball. Until your Dh get properly diagnosed and treated you won’t be able to relax. Hope you hear the results soon.

ScaredyCat I'm glad you're enjoying having better vision. When you get the other eye done, you'll notice it even more. LG just went running into the playgroup without looking back for us . We've noticed that the kids of her age all play alone, not in groups (they probably join in when they're a little bit older). She sits with others at the table for a drink and snack. GD1's rash has spread a bit and is all over her neck, chest and back. I sent antihistamines and Paracetamol last night, and she feels better today, although the rash is still there. Urticaria, I think. Did you have anything nice to eat at Costa? Or just coffee? They're doing pumpkin lattes, I hear.

Wyllow3 What a faff with the banking. Glad you got that, nd your various buys, all done. The care agency you've been dealing with sounds a bit incompetent. Unfortunately, a lot of care agencies deal mainly with elderly/frail/dementia patients and aren't always experienced with MH needs. The "aww bless" is very patronising. My DIL often says it to me (but I know she's younger than her age, so forgive her). You've had a busy day.

Son1's car failed the MOT yesterday, so he's been looking for something 2nd hand but reliable, decent and inexpensive, with DH's help. They're looking at a car tomorrow, so hopefully, he'll get something. Jaffa hasn't eaten anything since 10pm last night, which concerns me - he hasn't shown any interest in any food today, so I'll offer cooked chicken soon and see how he goes - kids, grandkids and cats! x

I’ve had to buy a new helmet, HVDY.

Today is sweet and lovely outside - but I’ve had to be out and about.

Starting at 8am having to B Hell install an mobile banking app just in order to find out the 4 digit code on a card I have to use atm

Talking to a bot to do this is bizarre..but a lot more patient whilst I tried to find my divers licence for facial recognition..

6 shops later I am nearly all sorted out with equipment including of course padded cycle shorts…collect from a shop where my other card failed last night, to pick up a weeks shop..

etc etc when a walk out in the High Peak would have been no 1 choice - the roads were heaving…..far too much but I wanted to do it now not the day before and spoil things by being tired out.

You also mentioned alternative ways to spend Christmas Day. I too have been thinking of volunteering at a place giving out meals and so on…there will be info via Quakers on refugee events and on homeless events.

I’d be OK alone, done it before a few times, and some times I've been glad, actually, post living with Abuse....last year was of course was hell but my mood is better now…..

I've still got to work out what my family is doing, as usually it means I cant join them south of Glasgow at DiL’s parents

- all too much and beyond my driving confidence.

But I have bought some twinkly lights to have up as ap indoors for those long dark evenings and nights 🙂

Scaredycat it was good to read even little bits of better news - so glad ….I’m glad you made it to Costa..I hope you make it out on this warm bright day…now your eye is proving to be splendid I hope it will make it easier next time. Y

You said

“I put a brave face on years ago but many years later the anxiety hit me . Better to go with your real emotions.

Oh yes, wise wise words, but of course, s*ds Law......we all have to learn “the hard way” for ourselves.

BUT - this I say from experience - not always the case of course, but I think it’s easy to underestimate how much our adult children “Can handle”.

Why deprive them of the chance to comfort you in small ways as long as we don’t lay in on too thickly

For you, Doodle - yes, a very difficult time indeed. I’m sure your family will include you, buts it’s a double edged sword, isnt it? Past times, all together will not go away. Can you speak to your family at all about this? They will be missing grandad…I know it’s a difficult balance to get right.

Sweetpeasue Definitely not time to think yet of Christmas unless you have to. Stay in the present and you both take good care of each other. How have you got on today? I hope some fresh air, even if a bit, wrap up well now, and its an easier day for you both.

It’s been so busy I can't tell everything but I got very annoyed with the caring agency who had totally ignored a call I had had with them terminating their service to me.

They were going to charge me for sessions never had “according to the contract”.

And they did the “aw bless”thing which drives me spare.

I kicked off big time and they eventually found the recorded call and had to stand down in a follow up call.

I still feel furious because they know I am with them for MH support and have no cognitive difficulties - far from it, but they treated me like Mental Health was learning disabled or dementia. 😡 I really thought all that rubbish was in the past.

I should complain, really..just as I did yesterday when Sky tried to pull a fast one on me and I demanded and got compensation, as I did last night with one of my banks for misinformation got £50……

The rest of today is pottering and going back to bed in my sunny room

Hi all
HVDY- yes the “new” eye is wonderful- can’t believe the difference.
Your Son1 is certainly good at organising treats- he’s got it right.
You do find lots of good playgroups to take LG to. She must be a very outgoing and sociable little person to join in everywhere as she does.
We have lots of people to get C .Stuff for - but not yet😩Thank goodness for the Internet.
Hope GD1 gets better soon and that she doesn’t have Scarlett fever.
Doodle- really kind helpful words for EllieAnne.
We got to Costa. It was a lovely morning and good to be out walking again. Lots of Dads with little boys in Footie strip- so cute. The kids not the dads!!
Sorry that the C stuff is making you feel upset too. It’s very understandable . I put a brave face on years ago but many years later the anxiety hit me . Better to go with your real emotions.
SweetPeaSue- At least you and DH got out with Fluffball. Good to have a bit of fresh air fir a little while even though he didn’t feel too well. So hard for you when every moment for you is clouded with worry. I hope he is feeling better today.
Wyllow- you,re spot on with your words to EllieAnne.
Hope the packing is going well- looks like next weeks weather will be Ok.
Maybe see you later?
EllieAnne- you love your children so much if only you could love yourself too. Of course they like you. It’s you who doesn’t like you.
Don’t fret over C it’s ages yet. Maybe nearer the time you can do some nice things with your GC.
Please be kind to yourself and reach out for help- we’re always here for you too.

Take care all and take time to relax if you can. Xx

SweetpeaSue It sounds as though your husband might still have a virus. Not much can be done if it's that, but I hope he'll feel better tomorrow.

GD1 was sent home from school today because of a rash around her neck and chest, plus a sore throat. Since then, the rash has spread, so I think she must have a virus of some kind. I've suggested to Son1 and DIL that they keep an eye on it in case it's Scarlet Fever (I had that 9 years ago). I'm going out in half an hour to fetch DH and Son1 from the beer festival (in my pyjamas and dressing gown ) x

Doodle They do crafts and games - yesterday was "balloon tennis", although I'm happy to sit and chat with people. I do sometimes do the craft things - making cards, painting bird houses, etc. It's all a million miles away from the life I had before, and those things remind me of that.

Dear Doodle Yes we certainly know what you meant. Christmas is extra hard for lonely people , for whatever reason and for those who have lost that very special person in their lives.
HVDY Im trying not to even think of Christmas right now. I dont want to know this early. Having said that I'll probably leave it till last minute. I just want DH to be well .
EllieAnne HVDY is right about young people being wrapped up in their own worlds with family, busy jobs ect.
We do care about you and I can only imagine how lonely you feel living in your circumstances . Loneliness is such a dreadful empty feeling. Yes, Costa is quite expensive but I hope you can manage to keep going - you need a place to feel secure and comfortable. They do make nice coffee. You need to treat yourself when you can and please dont be hard on yourself , you are entitled to 'feel' and I hope you find someone to talk about those feelings , even Samaritans can help you get over a crisis time. Hugs.

Sorry can't write to all . Had nice Fluffball morning , little walk in woodland but DH is struggling with not being well and dizziness. Had to use spray several times today. Nothing seems to get better. Sorry , quite low tonight and feeling anxious.

Hoping all you BDs have a peaceful night and thinking of those not in too.
.

No I think I was right first time but you know what I mean,