Black Dogs 29

That's a very pretty picture, PurplePixie. Nice colours. Glad you're feeling brighter today. Going to your son's is something you can look forward to.

We've got 3 hours to kill before we get picked up so we're lounging about on the hotel terrace with cold drinks.

Just a quick message to EllieAnne

Yes, it is a psychological word - Catastrophising. and used a lot in therapy.

What to do? Well what I would do is ring my GP and be my honest panicking and terrified self to get help, a quick appointment.

It is OK to have these feelings.

They are as valid as any other reason to cry for help. I
Its an emotional health problem as well as a possible physical one.
And as valid. The depressive element is kicking in badly, isnt it? Ie go straight to planning your death.

Above all, you are worth it - asking for resources because of having an emotional crisis is as right and proper as a physical one xx

Psychologist was great and by all means lean on extra meds tomorrow as I want to be OK not just for the Zoom but my son coming later to enjoy it

but I am desperately tired and my cleaner comes at 3 to help get a bedroom ready for son.

The depressive element is kicking in badly, isnt it? Ie go straight to planning your death.

Yes, I would ring my DocSis but she would say "the odds are v very small" reassuringly ....

and, unless it was her area of speciality (tums and bums)
"I done know enough about x and y

Because it's a specialist area. DD isn't likely to know enough as a Psychiatrist unless she has or a contact of hers has encountered it herself?

I hope she is able to offer the reassurance bit but its hard to know if she can xxx

Are you on your way home, HVDY ?
Safe travel! And a warm Jaffa welcome and the comforts of family, ones own bed, and LG ahead.

Sorry for my last repeat sentence EmilyAnne. I really feel for you, I know it's scary. You'll recall I chose to pay £140 to clear me of any eye cancer, after initial tests.

But you'll need blood tests and GP examination first - how are you doing? xxxx

I'm so on edge for tomorrow I cant relax and so tired. It was a nice break that my cleaner came and we got things for son coming tomorrow sorted. My Zoom is at 5.30 and son not till after the conference meal.

I wasnt able to work out a lot with Psychologist but it was supportive.

My ideal of MrA actually taking any real responsibility very small.

I dont want to see him again and its my right not to have it imposed on me but him continuing to come only once a month a compromise.

If any one (dares to) say oh share the month out then they are not recognising the reality of the consequences of a sexual assault, it's a fudge.

The fact he is a Person of Significance actually means he should better be able to take responsibility not the opposite. (hindsight is great, isnt it...I was just so intimidated by His Reputation and guilty all the time especially as others believed him and did not care enough about me to share information.

Truth be told that if I had rushed out of the room crying for help and sobbing and been as vulnerable outwardly as I felt inside all those weeks instead of conscientiously Being A Good Quaker it could have been very different

There should be some kind of a report or review so if it happens again there is a good code of practice.

The whole matter has made me so ill ideally if MH had the resources I would get some respite care, but Quakers do have money.

Ellie Anne I googled if there were any cancer charities that you can phone with fears not a diagnosis and it looked positive, if thats an option you want to take.

Purplepixie Whar a lovely watercolour picture- you have so many skills.
So glad you're feeling better today and youve had a lovely talk with your youngest son. I think we all need that special personal contact with our AC as theyre often so busy with their own.lives.
HVDY You'll be home soon and Jaffa will be so pleased too.
Wyllow Sounds like tomorrow is going to be quite emotional for you with that zoom meeting. Then you have your son coming later when I hope you can have good one to one communication and enjoy mother and son special time.
I think you're right to expect some help from Quakers regarding respite care and I so hope you get it. Its very good that you're aiming at that compromise of Mr A attending just once a month- you're being extremely fair . I really dont think anyone has a right to expect any more at all. Be reassured that we all believe in you and take care of yourself.

Im sorry I dont have much to say today. DH still has the pain on left side which is where he had stent put in by Vascular. I think its different from the tightness thats relieved by spray. Son picked up Fluffball. Aunt's DD managed to get her mum another placement somewhere else. ( all in motion).
Extremely tired, sorry not addressing all but sending love.x

Ellie Anne I’m sorry you have this problem worrying you. I’d do what Wyllow suggested and phone the GP with your concerns maybe get an earlier appointment. It’s probably not as bad as you think but our minds go into overdrive.

Short post from me tonight. Thinking of you all but I’m not up to posting much. Love and hugs.

Sending you love and a soft ,warm hug back to you Doodle x

Thank you for that backing, Sweetpeasue.

I'm crawling up the wall tonight but have a call booked with Sis. It's like all my values about my faith group turned upside down and only some believed me. Like a man who was a father/Uncle figure.

Its takes a long time after big events like this before I crash. I can block the worst out for so long. Put on "being strong" and avoiding just how much things really affected me.

I recall when I started writing about it, it took me ages for it to really hit me. I can read and note that what I have experienced is normal for such events but till it happens...

Sweetpeasue I am glad about your aunt: but clearly DH's situation is worrying you a lot. I think you need to consult someone about the stent side pain - information, reassurance, or whatever is called for, as soon as you can. A long road where you can't know the outcome.

Sigh....and tests our ability to "live in the present" to its extremes.

Doodle its just always good to see you in, and hugs back..and to any reading BD's who need them now.

Wyllow Crossed fingers that your phone call with your sis will help. Do try and put stresses out of mind for a decent night's sleep. Enough for now, today's problems. You can cope better tomorrow if you sleep.
Yes,DHs pain is worrying. Hes a very stubborn man! Im on to it.x

It did help quite a bit Sweetpeasue thank you. Sis never sugar coats things.

Ah, another medically stubborn man. What is it with so many? Maybe lots of Mums managing illnesses especially more back in the day? (Mind you....thinks carefully..did I do that.?

Well done you.

Arghghgh I felt ok yesterday but after a rubbish night I feel really down today. During the night I was going over stuff that I thought was buried. I know from past experience that it will never be. The first husband (know as JW) has done so much damage to my head and some parts like my teeth and nose will never be the same. I go over scenarios and then try and put a different ending to them when I know just how it was.
Off to my knitting group this afternoon and try and perken myself up. They are all older except for one lady and they are such a brilliant strong group.
Hugs to all suffering and I will catch up later. DH has been ok.

EllieAnne I hope, whatever your health worry is, that you might be able to speak with someone about it.

Wyllow3 Hope you had a good chat with your sister and that she gave you some good advice.

SweetpeaSue Hope you manage to see or speak with somebody about your husband's pain. Men! I manage all my husband's medical things, too.

PurplePixie What a terrible time you obviously had with your first husband. My brother's (late) wife had a similar experience with her 2nd husband - my brother was her 3rd husband. She had counselling. Have you ever tried that? I know it's not for everyone. Enjoy your knit and natter today.

Back at midnight last night, been doing washing today. Jaffa was fussy and stayed by my side all night. He's happy to be having cooked chicken again. Hope ALL BDers have a decent day x

I’ve had counselling on three occasions. One was good the other two were terrible. I used to come out of them absolutely wrecked. They never helped me to manage my head or the past trauma at all. I felt like the hidden stuff was brought to the front and they listened, had their say and I felt worse after it all. I’ve tried putting a book together to help but as soon as I start then the memories stab me for days/weeks. I don’t know what the answer is. My eldest son who I’m in touch with is still in touch with his dad. It hurts. He knows what i went through with his dad.

Wyllow Hope you can enjoy your time with your brother.
HVDY It must be nice to be home again . Aw, Jaffa will have missed you so hes making up for lost time. Hope there wasnt too much washing.
My DH has an appt with Rheumatologist next Wednesday so we'll be telling him about his pain,hoping he might send him for some sort of scan.
Purplepixie The time with your first husband sounds like a terrifying time in your life. Sometimes it hurts too much to go over things so counselling isnt for everyone. You say you try and put different endings to various scenarios played out from that time but as you said- you know just how bad it was ,Im guessing you didnt have many options at the time and theres nothing more you could have done. Oh ,it would hurt me too that your son still sees but I think your son will probably find him out in time. Thats a real double whammy for you. Wyllow has suffered abuse too so Im sure everything she says will come with her own personal experience.
I hope your knitting group helps to steer your thoughts away from those awful times.

Not able to say more ,no energy and bad headache. Wishing all a peaceful night.

Hi all.
It’s been a really busy and at times distressing couple of days. I,m really tired and feel worn out with worrying about all my dear friends and family who are going through so much at the moment.
I,m sseing a cardiologist in a couple of weeks so hope will get a definite diagnosis re my heart.
HVDY-glad you’re home safe and Jaffa is too by the sound of it.
SweetPeaSue-glad your Aunt will soon be in a kinder place.
Also hope DH gets some help with his pain next week.
EllieAnne- please see if you can get seen sooner. Big hug for you.
PurplePixie-I also had no comfort from counselling. The sort of memories you have live with you forever.
Wyllow- glad you were able to get some kind helpful words with your Sis. I hope today brought some kind of relief.
Doodle- as always good to know you’re there.
Love to all- sorry I,m not very chatty tonight but please know I care so much about you all.

Scaredycat you have always been such a support to this group. I’m sorry you have health and other worries troubling you, Family worries are particularly hard I feel.
Sorry all I’ve had a sad day today. Two years since my beloved man died. I’ve been at the hospice for quiet time to myself and now I’m home and so worn out. Sorry I’m not up to posting much but I do care about you all and will be back soon.

Scaredycat I can only echo * Doodle's*
post in that your words to us are always very thoughtful and kind. Im so sorry- your worries about family and friends have built up greatly - it certainly does take a toll and leaves a heavy heart. I do hope you can rest your poor mind and that the worries ease. Sending you 💓
Doodle I dont have any words that can any way give comfort Doodle. Your heart is broken and I can only imagine such loss. We know you care ,as we do about you. The hospice is a real refuge and so special to you . Sending my love and prayers x

PurplePixie Counselling helps some people, not others (I didn't find it useful). The terrible times you had at the hands of your husband won't go away, I don't think. I'm not sure how anyone gets past that kind of abuse. Wyllow3 has experienced some abuse in a relationship. It must be hurtful to you that your son still sees his father. Is your current husband close to your son at all? I hope you have some good friends to spend some time with.

SweetpeaSue We took a suitcase each, so I've had the washer on 4 times. Got some dry on the clothes horse, some in the dryer, but still need to dry a lot. Fingers crossed that your husband will get some tests or answers from the Rheumatologist. Poor man, he suffers so much (you too). Hope your head feels better after a sleep.

ScaredyCat You're so kind to us, and to your friends. Take care of yourself. Two of my friends have had terrible news this week.

Doodle Hugs for you .

Back to the business of arranging GP appointments, renewing home insurance and internet contract. DH out with Son1 this evening. LG here tomorrow. Love to all x

Heartfelt posts today dear BD's:

Zoom went as well as it might, no conclusion, but I distracted from the upcoming Zoom by being very active at the gym, and now expecting Son, so will come in asap with a bit more about the Zoom.

(I will ponder on the counselling thing PurplePixie as I have had both very helpful and very unhelpful type talking therapy, but almost certainly you are suffering from PTSD long term?
..... and that's another cuppaT altogether as regards "ordinary" counselling - which can be counterproductive as over triggering -

having had some lovely support when I was very very ill from a paid carer who happened to be very good and kind - she just "walked with me" through the dark...that and of help maybe gentle and best?)

I hear you, Scaredycat. You have been such a survivor, and so strong for friends, but have such troubling personal news to deal with:

just let us all walk with you, you are so often "here" for others.

So glad you are home HVDY. Jaffa was clearly over the moon to see you, and so will LG be.

Keep posting too, Doodle, hold hands in your sorrow.

Take that headache to the duvet and a hot water bottle asap, Sweetpeasue

Good evening BDs. I put a playlist on and "Oh Lord hear my prayer" came on, which immediately made me think of you lovely people.
So just came on to send all my love to you and to say I still think of you all and include you in my prayers.xx

Oh my, I love that song. So many versions. It reminds me of Psalm 22.

You aren't ever forgotten!

Wyllow3 Hope you have a lovely visit from your son. Make the most of it, as much as you can.

nadateturbe How are you getting on?

It's an early start - Thanks, Jaffa- LG here at 8, so I hope the weather might be alright to be able to take her somewhere. Otherwise, it'll be a soft play place. Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x