Black Dogs 29

Its looks like "soft play" from here, HVDY. Chilly, rain on the way? did you get enough sleep with Jaffa still in "Welcoming home" mode?

DS didnt stay long - he woke me up to say goodbye earlier than I thought. Was to be 10 15.
Came and gave a hug.

Then downstairs I found he had messed up putting the TV on, couldn't work the stove to heat up the croissants, and had clearly given up, 🤣

But wanted to get back home asap (DiL had been away 3 days before he had to set out for the conference, so all understood. Needed and is needed for family life.

It was lovely just having time in his company after the Zoom.

Anyway my brain like mush as expected as yesterday full on before the Zoom.

The Zoom.

Just speed read or walk on by as its long but each bit significant in terms of outcomes.

" I am satisfied that they heard me. That as things stand, I cannot bear to be in our worship room with my assailant.

But no conclusions about him being allowed back - to be discussed. Fair enough, really, except more uncertainty. Middle next week.

Also, although they were not free to disclose who, they talked about "other women coming forward" - it is likely, not certain, it was as regards MrA. But indeed, if it involves other men, it has woken Safeguarding up.

More has been discussed than I realised amongst pastoral care people.

Including something I need -*some kind of respite, some being looked after*. (it would have been good if I had known this, but then, they don't know me - which is that I prefer "full information” not behind my back, but then, in an ever changing situation ...well, I do trust them more now as never before)

They have however, broadly speaking, a duty of care towards MrA too.

My personal feelings and assessment on that is that he will not have to self examine unless what he wants - to come back to our little meeting full time

- is withheld from him.

(Then that makes me feel guilty, and did on waking today - but then, I'm inclined to that way and a bit of " I must have done something wrong")

But I refused to say what the outcome I wanted was. Because if a decision is made which affects MrA substantially, I do not want to be the one carrying the can

They understand I need to get on with my life without the prospect of continuing being reminded of the assault.

I was able to detail the real effects on me, which I haven’t fully previously.

I had had to marginally criticise Safeguarding and the lead local person there, had an edge to her voice at the beginning, which it did not have at the end.

I described it like being assaulted by a trusted older man within a family, for us Quakers are a kind of family - given that it's been part of my life for nearly 40 years.

I didn't offer them the option that I had discussed with my sister last night - that he be allowed to continue coming back one week's meeting per month.

It was a compromise I'd only thought of so I wouldn't be criticised for being unreasonable:
and I am now uncertain whether I should have said it or not, but I was being true to myself.

I still feel a responsibility, but then, in a way, we are all responsible for family or close groups we belong to.

Hanging around and not doing is the order of the day.

I have Friday to look forward to as my first "get along with well/father of DS" Ex comes over once a month for other purposes so it being a sunny day maybe a walk.

Ellie Anne how are you?

Hi all
Doodle- yesterday must have been hard to bear- it seems unbelievable it’s 2 yrs since you lost your lovely man. I hope the peace of the Hospice washed over you.
More family worries this morning as my DD FiL has been taken to hospital so our day out together was postponed as SiL needed to be with his Dad. He’s a lovely man in his early 90,s and the absolute heart of his family.
SweetPeaSue- thank you. I just don’t want that awful anxiety creeping back. It’s just never ending at the moment but everything passes so will rest this afternoon and sort my head out. DH and I may go over to DD this evening for Fish and Chips!! Depends how her FiL is.
HVDY- Doesn’t take long for reality to set in after our hols does it. All that old admin rears its ugly head .
I,m sorry that your friends are suffering - life is so hard sometimes.
Hope the weather is kind to you today and you can get out with LG. She,ll be happy to see you.
Nadateturbe- lovely to hear from you- we think of you too.
Wyllow- thanks for the kind words and support.
Your Sons visit sounded pretty typical of “boys” however old they are!! So glad you had him wit( you.
It sounds like you got your points across well on the Zoom and stayed true to yourself.
Friday will soon be here and a familiar ,trusted face for you.
EllieAnne- hope you are OK.
PurplePixie- how is today treating you?

Love to all and take care all.

Oh Scaredycat - it never rains, but it pours.
Your DD FiL is clearly at an age where "things are more likely to happen" and he sounds a lovely, lovely man.

You have top coping strategies already and I understand so well the fears of being flooded with anxiety. "like before"

You've got a good plan for today, but you need more information about what the problem is with DD FiL.

But you recall, don't you, the story about being in the aircraft and putting your own Oxygen mask on before trying to "make things OK" for others?

And only you can make any necessary choices where you have to absolutely put yourself first. and you are in a health ???? situation yourself.

Easy to say, hard to do. You need to put yourself first. ...

(Looking back, after the assault, I should have donned a mask very early on instead of worrying about what Quakers XYZ (and ABC) needs all were - trying to make it OK for them

Looking back, I should have not run around Ex trying to "make him OK" out of guilt.......which led to a fall)

Yesterday I hope much was gained, but today's cost is losing a day, (had to go back to bed at 11.30 despite 9 hours sleep)

and although it was lovely to see DS, frankly its just as well he went first thing and got a taxi.

Wyllow3 Glad you had a nice visit from your son, albeit not for long. Once sons are with a partner, it's not always possible to get to see them alone, is it? Son2 rang me last night and said he'll call in on Friday after work. However much I like DIL, I do enjoy a chat with him on his own, now and then. You said what you needed to say during the Zoom, and it seems you were heard. See what happens next, then. I'm tired but will get to bed a bit earlier tonight. Soft play and the park have worn me out.

ScaredyCat Your SIL's dad is quite elderly, likely to get things at that age. Hope he soon gets back home. Fish and chips are a treat - hope you manage to have that later. One of my friends has just been told that her brother (64) has died, on holiday, in U.S.A. His wife found him dead in bed. Another friend has got stage 4 Cirrhosis, and nothing can be done (he's not fit enough for a transplant, and is 71). Always something, eh.

It was lovely to see LG again. She's talking a lot more now and kept saying "Let's play" to DH and me. She's just gone.

Wyllow Im pleased The Zoom went well as can be expected and you got your points across and enlightened them on just how very much the Mr A business has affected you.
Glad you had nice son time while he was there. Those times are rare once they have a family.
Understand those times well ,when even a decent night's sleep doesnt help and you're still worn out - Ive done the same.
Nadateturbe Thankyou for your prayers - thats very kind when we know just how little energy you have.
HVDY Oh naughty Jaffa is up to his early morning tricks again. You'll have had a full day with LG - she must have missed you much. Hope the weather was ok for you. Still chilly here with rain this morning.
Scaredycat Im so sorry that your famy has been affected again with your DDs FIL taken into hospital. You are having anxieties and worries come all at once. I always think that- that it will pass- when I feel overwhelmed with things. Its so true isnt it. I wasnt a BD when your anxiety was so bad during covid but remember it being referred to. I hope the outcome of your DDs FIL admission isnt too serious. Enjoy the Fish n chips.
EllieAnne and Purplepixie Hope you're both OK.
Doodle I thought the same as Scaredycat when you said it had been 2 yrs since your husband passed. It doesnt seem that long at all. I hope today is a little better for you and you can find more peace at the hospice if you can.

Fibro pain bad this morning but forced myself out to book group. Now back Im exhausted .
Hope everyone has had a reasonable day. Love to all.x

I'm glad you got to see LG, HVDY. Yes, bless, LG is tiring as they have so much boundless energy! You are probably still catching up on the journey home and Jaffa wanting that bit extra.

It's so difficult to deal with these restrictions, Sweetpeasue. 😡I hope that the book group was worth it..one has to get out or cabin fever develops. I'd better save up energy tomorrow for Friday's sun and walk.

Wyllow I’m not surprised you were exhausted. You’ve been under so much stress and worry with the zoom meeting etc. Hope you were reasonably satisfied with the outcome. Lovely to have time with your DS. Hope on Friday time spent with your ex helps you.
Sweetpeasue lots of people have told me it doesn’t seem like 2 years. For me it seems so much longer. So many days missing seeing his smiling face and laughing eyes.
I’ve been very emotional since 1st May. Still not feeling right. Time passing actually makes things worse not better although there is the theory of one day passing means one day closer to being together again. Glad you managed book club. Hope your Dh has been ok.
HVdY I agree it’s nice to have time with our sons on their own. I love being with DIL’s and family too but it’s good to have a long chat. LG is growing up fast. I bet you both love it when she wants to play with you.
Scaredycat I’m so sorry to hear about your SIls father. Yet another worry. Worrying about family is a constant thing. I think all of us do that. It’s so easy to go from being OK to being anxious when anything affects our loved ones.

nadateturbe I often sing “Oh lord hear my prayer” to myself if I’m in the car or just pottering. Another favourite it “Let your beauty shine in me lord”

Oh Doodle many hugs and will light a little candle for you -

we can walk with you through the darkness: it doesnt matter how many times you say the same things -

Being depressive as well has to be factored in (more hugs)

If it goes on and on will the nice bereavement counsellor who initially helped you be of any help? I hate to stay the obvious, and I know you dont want to dull your feelings, but if you are ceasing to get relief from family and friends, you will think of more meds as a last resort? (I know that sounds lame but there have to be limits and raising them now doesn't mean "forever")

I'm just totally exhausted and I still think the Zoom will be helpful but will take time to work its way through - today in all day and sleep and if necessary tomorrow to to enjoy Friday.

SweetpeaSue You pushed yourself to go to the book club, which was good. Perhaps today you'll rest up a bit? It was cooler yesterday, but it didn't rain until about 4pm here. Today is meant to be better.

Wyllow3 Yes, it's tiring but lovely, having LG here. It was great to see her. Hope you have a relaxing day, ready for your walk tomorrow.

Doodle Getting down on the floor to play with LG is fine - it's the getting up I struggle with . Grief is so awful. I know my brother misses his wife and son terribly. There's nothing anyone can do to help anyone who has been bereaved, except listen and sympathise.

That little menace woke me at 4.30! I left him downstairs and went back to bed - but couldn't sleep, so I'll be very tired by this afternoon. Day Centre place today. Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

Oh Wyllow that’s so kind of you to think of me. I’m ok really. I can accept and cope now with feeling very sad and lonely. I don’t think I’m depressed now I just get really sad on occasions.
I’m on a lovely bereavement group with about 7 others all about the same time on our journeys. It’s amazing how similar our feelings are. I’ve no problem with meds and can easily increase if I want to but I’m managing at the moment. So kind of you to care,
You sound emotionally exhausted. Please take care not to slip back. It’s good having our old Wyllow with us again.
HVDY how right you are. It must be a help for your brother to have you around. Someone to listen is good. I do feel sorry for your brother but if he doesn’t try and get out and do wings he’s bound to wallow in sadness.
Scaredycat and Sweetpeasue Hope you’ve had a good day today. You too Ellie Anne

Sharing your wishes to others, Doodle.

I attend national - well international - Quaker Zooms as much as I can, most days. we have a regular attender from New York who is very isolated but going through a cancer (stage 4 bad) journey. She can get to Zooms even in hospital, and we are walking with her.
I am very glad about that bereavement group. They can understand and are there, real life. Hearing others journeys really brings something - as its Real life - that no other group quite can. and there is always a limit as to what we can share with family:

although HVDY is brining her brother things that clearly are of a reduce nature (is brother going to those Mens sheds?).

Yes LG brings things only a small and loved child can bring. Jaffa is pesky but loved too.

I'm afraid last night was another grim one.

Key: guilt.

As what I was basically telling the Safeguarders that only a ban on attending our little group will keep me emotionally safe and give me recovery space.

And that is a very, very serious matter indeed in Quakers as he is in his mid 80's tho very vigorous indeed and definitely has capability. Hence the guilt especially as I was disbelieved by others who will now have to own their part.

So I rung my sis first thing and she said look at what goes on in our society to women (enough threads on it other place GN) there are no excuses. (Given the fact he has done similar before).

Yes it will change things for all Quakers as policy will be firmed up but this is not the first time in my life I've been the one to expose something or find myself alone in standing up to "authority".
Except before, I've ended up by backing down at great cost.

I'm sure we have all had these battles in one way or another.

I did a somewhat restricted gym due to tiredness and feeling fractious until I met a young woman there (introduced by a mutual friend) who had gone through reporting rape to the police and not being believed...she was in the end: it took 7 years and her family disowned her: we owned the difference of course but she said "*dont feel guilty* !!

Also last night I had at 7pm been crawling round outside taking photos of a pipe leaking at nearly ground level whilst on the phone to him. Well crawling around like that may have been OK 5 years ago but not now, ouch today. 😬

courage mes amis xxx

Pic was evidence of ground level crawl. 🙄

Doodle Yes, that's very true. My brother IS going out 2 days a week now, but like many men, finds it difficult to get to know people. I'll probably go and see him over the weekend.

Wyllow3 The gym lady is right - you shouldn't feel guilty. Will you be able to get someone to look at that leak? My brother goes to Men in Sheds twice weekly. I hoped it might lead to other things, but there are only about 5 men there (only 3 others this week). One goes to church, one belongs to a choir, another goes swimming - all things my brother wouldn't do.

Up at 6, which isn't TOO early. Not much happening today (it'll be hot anyway). Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

Wyllow I agree with HVDY and your DS-- you should not feel guilty about consequences of Mr A. He's misbehaved/assaulted others so needs to face his comeuppance.
Oh dear that ground level crawl looks painful! Hope you can get it sorted.
HVDY 6am is still v eary for me.
Such a shame your DB hasn't met anyone at the Men in Sheds that he can 'gel' with. You have been so kind and helpful to him - Im sure he appreciates it really. He may still make a friend there yet- early days .
Hot here today too. You will be used to it after your holiday!

Got some shopping in this morning. Visiting aunt soon. Shes moving to a new , nice care home tomorrow ( just a 2 week initial placement-then assessment again). So pleased but she'll still be wanting to go home, her own home.

Hope everyone is ok.x

SweetpeaSue Good news about your aunt being moved to a better home. Hope it'll be much nicer. Obviously, it's not like being in her own home, but hopefully she'll settle down (it will take a little while) and might make some friends.

Got a GP appt about my bladder (I wee 20-25 times daily, have done for many years but it's becoming difficult now), saw a very nice and thorough lady, got a prescription for tablets, am being referred to Urology dept. She examined me (ugh), said my cervix looks "ulcerated" and is doing a 2 week referral to hospital. I had pre-cancerous cells treated 20-odd year ago, so best to be checked. It's very warm out already x

Hi all
SweetPeaSue- we didn’t have the fish and chips as SiL was home so late from Hospital with his Dad. So DH and I had Tescos Giant Fish Fingers and chips. They are really good and it was quick.
Must have taken an effort for you to go to Book Club - hope you enjoyed it. It does you good to get out though- Wyllow is right you don’t want Cabin fever to strike!!
Hope you and DH are OK and enjoying this lovely weather.
Doodle- I,m glad you have a group who you feel comfortable with to share your feelings and memories. The fact you are all around the same place in your journeys helps too I,m sure.
Sadness will always be there in the background but you have many people who love you. You are a strong ,kind character and people are drawn to you. Also you have a good insight to your inner feelings too.
Wyllow- yes I,m aware that I need to be careful and not overdo everything. My DD keeps an eye on me too.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing but we do what we think is right at a time of strife. Your Sis made a really important point- as women we have had many battles to fight through our lives . That young lady was right - never feel guilty for sticking to what is right and keeping to your principles. Poor young lady.
Hope you are having a warm,kind get together with your first DH. It certainly is a beautiful day- hope you got that walk.
HVDY- my SiL Dad is back home they did not keep him in the hospital. SiL said the hospital was very thorough and he had many tests all of which were OK. They think it was some meds he,d been taking. Also they put in place immediately a care plan to help him. His wife is still at home and has help but it’s become too much for him. They have a wonderful young friend who helps them too. They are a much loved couple.
Your poor friends- so much sadness for people to deal with.
Jaffa is an early bird!! Don’t suppose the light mornings help.
Our boys have a bedroom and we lock them in at night. Lots of toys,a tree,cosy beds ,litter tray,water fountain etc. We just couldn’t cope with those early wake up calls.
Your brother seems to be trying a but his loneliness is hard to bear. You are such a support for him. It’s a shame one of the Shed Men isn’t a kindred spirit. Maybe one will turn up.

Nadateturbe,EllieAnne,PurplePixie ,Candy and anyone I,ve forgotten hope you have a comfortable night - it’s warming up!!

Phew it’s hot already!!

Scaredycat Thanks for that photo- your boy is basking in the warmth and loving it! Glad your SILs dad is back home with a care plan and hes OK. So many meds to take at that age , I imagine, and difficult to keep track of whats causing what.
There was a poster at Tescos this morning of a jumbo fish finger sandwich- looked so enticing.
Doodle Sending you lots of love and hugs right now. Im glad you have friends who really understand how it is - nothing others can say when we've not gone through such an enormous loss. I hope today has been better for you . Dont ever worry about saying how it is here - we all care and want to support you in whatever way is possible.
Wyllow Hope youve been OK today and have managed to get the water leak sorted.It was lucky you saw that poor lady at the gym and managed to talk. Im sure you both understood each other about how violated you both feel ,even though situations were a bit different.
HVDY Oh you poor thing- you must be worn out with the overactive bladder- thats a lot of times to go. Hope its not painful. Best to have that gynaecology problem checked out - theyre very thorough now arent they. Dont envy you the examination you had though( aargh indeed!)
Upsetting visit to aunt today. She was crying when arrived and inconsolable. Asking(telling) everyone she wanted to go home. She was so hot, heating on in her tiny room ,so I wet a cloth and put it round her neck. Shed settled by time we left ,after Id reassured her she was going to the new care home in our village- I said temporarily- but next step nearer her home. We both feel so sad. I dont know how you coped with your caring job . It must take very special people ,like yourself. I mean that.
EllieAnnePurplepixie**Nadateturbe**Candy Hoping you're all OK and sending love.x

ScaredyCat Glad your SIL's dad is home, and I hope the help he and his wife get will be useful. Your boy looks so comfortable - do you have to brush them both? I used to wet a flannel and wipe it over our cats in the summer. Jaffa's not so keen on having that done.

SweetpeaSue I've had many years of weeing such a lot, so I've been used to it. On a good day, it's about 18 times (8 in 24 hours is normal). I never get pain, burning or stinging, just sometimes a terrible urgency to go. Being examined wasn't as embarrassing as I'd expected, but still not nice. I'm glad to be getting an urgent referral for the cervix thing (again, had no symptoms). The GP thinks it's due to a hormonal imbalance. We'll see. Your poor aunt must be very confused - being moved around so much won't have helped. I used to love going to people with dementia. My boss used to say my quiet voice and calm demeanour were what was needed. Over the years, I was punched, kicked, spat at, etc. They couldn't help it. I hope your aunt doesn't develop that stage.

Son2 is calling in after work, so it'll be nice to chat with him. He and DIL are going away tomorrow, or a long weekend without the children (they'll be with the other grandparents), so I'll be seeing to the 2 grandcats .

HVDY 2 week referrals are a good thing for any conditions that may not be normal. Quite few end up being of concern - but even so its always a bit of a worry. Glad its being dealt with quickly.
I can imagine it was such a difficult job at times with severe dementia cases. Yes, patience and calm reassurance must go a long way. I hope also my aunt doesnt enter 'that' stage.
My son and DIL and DGS and step DGD are also going away for long weekend in lodge quite close to here. They e asked us to joing them for the day tomorrow which was nice. Hope you have a nice weekend and it wont be too hot.x

I’m envying you all your heatwave. It’s quite cool her and a few spots of rain.
I’ve been thinking about your situation Wyllow and wondering what would happen in my church if a situation like that happened.
First I thought that whoever offended would not be allowed back but then I thought what if it was someone highly thought of or in a leadership position. In that scenario I don’t think I would be believed.
So I think you have been very brave in standing up for your rights and I don’t think you should be expected to share your safe space with your attacker.

That is very very perceptive, Ellie Anne. thank you.
At the heart of it is feeling strong enough to believe in yourself,

As you have identified, a faith situation is fraught with more emotions, than, say one at work is.

What then really matters is how strong your church's own Safeguarding policy is, because it will have a similar one to Quakers, as they are all advised and set up by the organisation 31:8 (as long as it's mainstream Christianity). And then of course heightened dynamics depending on who it happens to.

but....it hits BD's hard as...

Getting guilty so easily and wanting not to upset Quakers I knew or them think badly of me stopped me shouting very loudly, very early, as was appropriate

I could’ve demanded copies of Safeguarding policy from HQ and asked them to follow it: I should have done a great deal else which would have prevented the current situation :

but it remans the case this is the first time that something that is as big of us for me personally, I have actually not run away from it, stood my ground and so on.

(My whole past has been running away from conflict because I could not stand up for myself and that running away has done me great harm in the past..including leaving a well paid professional career because of bullying and "knife in the back" situations, and more like that)
so no I wont back down but its not over yet but look what I did do and everyone here has helped my journey a very great deal.

Jumbo fish fingers are really nice, Scaredycat especially if they are battered for a treat. Good comfort food.

Above all, it’s as good news as it can possibly be with SiL Dad, given his age. Thank goodness it had a relatively benign solution but pinpointed the need for greater care - and that that care can be sorted. And the young friend to “keep an eye”.

I hope you feel we bit “lighter’ but you are waiting for news too.

Your furry friends live in luxury. We all knew they would be loved and spoiled ☺️. Its a good solution, you aren’t worried about what they might get up to roaming at night but you get your sleep.

Yes, it’s definitely important to get it checked out, HVDY. It’s hard to cope with waiting on a two week appointment system as one knows “worst options”. Its happening a lot as we get older the occurrence of 2 week appointments amongst the people we know.. yet the odds are always small. But you will want to know “whats up” asap.

A 6am wake up is late for you atm, remind me if in the winter you sleep longer as it isn’t light? What time do you generally go to bed? I hope you’ve had a lovely time with Son2.

Poor Aunt, Sweetpeasue. I think you said just the right things. I’m so relieved a place has been found in a nicer home. And of course, eventually settles.
“a jumbo fish finger sandwich” no…a step too far.

How will DH find the hot weather? I suppose there hasn’t really been a chance to find out, but that is one lovely invite for you both.

Today’s big thing for me was the sun re-appearing, and hoping I could cope with the planned walk, and not get so tired I couldn’t enjoy my first Ex’s company.

I didn’t get a lot of sleep, but my cheerful cleaner arriving set me up and I picked first Ex at the station at 10am and out to my much loved favourite place, room in the car park and the mobile treats coffee van setting up.

It was a glorious walk and as has been the case for maybe a year now, we are very at ease together and yet again revisit and heal the past. He has got a partner, btw. It got my head out of current issues (as does the sun). I gained confidence from managing the walk.
(tho still grumpy as in just how much stuff with MrA has taken away in terms of confidence and energy. (Last October - 18km cycles, walk 3 hours et al.)

But we have to live in the present, dont we?

SweetpeaSue I hope you have a lovely day with your son and his family. I don't like this kind of heat (it's different abroad, isn't it? They don't get the humidity we get here).

Wyllow3 I'm not concerned, just glad I'm going to be seen quite soon. I thought my days of having those kinds of examinations and tests were over with (I was under the Gynaecology dept. for years in my 50s due to a late menopause/terrible periods. I was almost 60 when my periods stopped altogether). I usually go to bed between 10.30 and 11pm, and sleep later in winter (7-8am). Jaffa thinks it's time to get up as soon as it's light! What a good relationship you've got with your 1st ex. Glad you got out for a walk and coffee. Yes, we all must try to live in the present - going over things from the past doesn't do any good. Quick visit from Son1, but we chatted about various holidays (he's fairly well-travelled and has been to several countries). Probably see Son1 and girls tomorrow.

I love how your family all interweaves, HVDY. I'm glad to hear of better sleeps in the winter, but you probably are naturally tuned with the seasons and the light in some way (as well as pal Jaffa). You've certainly had more than your fair share of physical problems in the past.

Well, actually first Ex and I do go over the past, but most productively and helpfully for us both. Almost like joint therapy as well as airing our love for music and agreed on politics a great deal - important and always has been.

These days, he is very emotionally articulate and both of us have the language and terms to express that "looking back" in a benign way.

He is with someone else and has been since 2009 so boundaries are kept, no trying to step back into the river that gave us 25 good years together.

But there is a time to do it, and a time most definitely not to: a time to go over certain matters, and not others:

And each discovery currently enhances the "now", as things stand.