Black Dogs 29

HVDY so glad you’re getting checked out. I’m not as bad as you but I have an overactive bladder too. Go to the loo at least twice after going to bed and several times during the day too. Yes these exams are never pleasant but good you got to see the GP. Hope you get to see your sons this weekend
Sweetpeasue how lovely your son and family have asked you to join them for the day. That will be lovely. I’ll you be going to their lodge? DH and I had lots of holiday breaks in lodges. Always found it fun.
Scaredycat glad your SIls dad is home. Good they have help at those but sounds as though more is needed. Very difficult to work out what is for the best when people reach a certain age. Our elder son says several of his friends are now in the position of having elderly parents living in houses that are too big for them to cope with or that need repairs. I’m glad we moved into our flat then we did at least the exterior and grounds are looked after for me.
Ellie Anne our church is very hot on safeguarding. Many of us have had to undergo training and get certificates just to be able to do teas or run the afternoon tea club. I think things would be handled properly here. We have a very good lady in charge. We have a contractors group. Every parishioner (who wants to) is allocated a contractor, this person will phone and check up on them if they are missing church or are ill just to see how they are. It’s a lovely church so caring.
Wyllow so pleased you spent a pleasant day with your first Ex. Must be nice to be able to chat freely. I do wonder if some of the Quaker elders (is that the term) are trying to sweep things under the carpet as they don’t want such behaviour as Mr As to be deemed possible in a Quaker setting. I’m glad you stuck to your guns. Is there another Quaker group locally that Mr A could go to?
I went for a nice walk this morning and Waitrose shop this afternoon . Lovely sunny day but I feel very low. Going to the hospice tomorrow so that should be good

Yes Doodle there is for MrA (which he doesn't want)

and yes desire to sweep under carpet.

I often feel that in very low times like you face as of now, a sunny day brings bitter sweet memories of course, of sunny days spent doing such and such with that special person. I hope the sun, at the hospice, helps give some Grace to reflection x

Walks, holidays and so on.

Wyllow we use the same safeguarding service and I hadtoget one of those checks done to volunteer.
People especially very young and elderly are very well protected but as far as I know there has never been a major problem.

Wyllow It's great that you and your ex are on such good terms. It must make it easier regarding family, too.

Hi all
SweetPeaSue- it must have been so upsetting to see your Aunt crying. No wonder she felt disturbed - the room must have been unbearably hot. The new home might be just what she needs. close to you and possibly lighter and brighter if it’s a new build. Yes the carers really are special people and lucky were the people who got HVDY to see after them.
Hope you’re having a nice day with your family - so lovely to feel wanted isn’t it.
HVDY- the wet flannel idea sounds like a good one but I,m not sure I could do it as they really are fluffy!! I do brush them a couple of times a week and when the lady who trims their claws comes she trims round their bottoms and gives them a good brush.
Oh that is a lot of toilet visits- good though that it doesn’t cause you any pain. Not a pleasant examination to go through but hopefully with a 2 week window it,ll get sorted soon.
You’re right dwelling on the past is no good- we can’t change it but hopefully learn from it. Easier said than done sometimes.
Enjoy the grand cats.
EllieAnne. You could have some of our heat - we have our big fan on at the moment😀
Your church sounds very supportive - I,m glad you have that to rely on.
Wyllow- so glad your day out with your Ex DH turned out so well. I,m so pleased for you that the relationship you have with your Ex is so mutually beneficial. You should be so proud of your friendship with each other.
Of course you’re grumpy about MrA - who wouldn’t be. But he will get his come uppance and be found out as the fraud he is. You are wise - live in the present. The best is yet to come- not the same of course but hopefully contentment. You have a true friend in your Ex and how lovely for your family.
Doodle- moving into your flat when you did was such a sensible choice. It enabled you to have a comfortable and hassle free life there together. So many people leave moving until it becomes too late. You were able to enjoy living there .
What a wonderful example of Christianity your church is. People there feel safe,cared for and there is help when it’s needed. So pleased you have it at the centre of your life.

Well I hope you’ve all been able to enjoy the sunshine in whatever way suits you. It was really hot here today. We went to “our” Castle and watched the jousting. We go every year but today was a hottie!!
Take care all xxxx

Wyllow you’re right. Bright sunny days bring their own problems.
I think if Mr A can go to another Quaker meeting then that’s where he should go and leave you in peace. Yes church is good. It helps being involved and provides a great deal of company.
Ellie Anne it’s good these safeguarding matters are taken seriously. We have good backup of people to report any issues to who would take things further.
HVDY have you any plans to go abroad or are you happier staying in this country?
Sweetpeasue Scaredycat hope you’ve both enjoyed the sun today but not got too hot, I’ve been to the hospice then sat in my friends balcony in the shade,

Scaredycat I’ve often wondered with the jousting whether it is all well rehearsed or whether anyone ever get injured. It looks so dangerous to me.

EllieAnne Hope its your turn soon for the sun. Its quite chilly here in the north-east England right now though.
Doodle Glad youve been able to sit out with your friend. Can you see the river and birds from her balcony too?
Yes we did go to their lodge and son did a barbecue there. ( v smokey , haha) It was so hot. Got back at tea time and put our clothes in the wash.

HVDY Hope youve had a decent day and you saw your son. Ive never been abroad to a warm country so I wouldn't know the difference in humidity but both my sons tell me the same thing, that its different.
Wyllow Glad you had a nice day with your ex. You are still doing well ,going to the gym and walking ,even though its not as far as you're used to.
Scaredycat Ive never seen real life jousting entertainment. You must watch through your fingers at times. Hope you didnt catch too much sun.
Aunt is now in her new home so hoping she'll settle better there. We'll probably visit Monday.

ScaredyCat The jousting sounds good fun. It's been an uneventful day here, but too hot for my liking (17 degrees). I worked for one large care company for 6 years, where I stayed with "patients" for anything from 2 hours to 2 days. I loved it.

Doodle We only renewed our passports this year (expensive now), so we'll go abroad again, perhaps next May. I like the look of Menorca, or Zadar, Rabac or Hvar, all in Croatia. Glad you had a nice day. Being under a parasol is the best idea in this heat.

SweetpeaSue I know what you mean about barbeques. I don't care for them, but the men in the family all love them. Hope your aunt settles down ok.

It's been a boring day - DH's friend (a gas fitter/plumber) came and service the boiler and put a new part on it, so that took 3 hours. Son1 didn't have his girls until 6.30 (mother being difficult), so we didn't see him or them. Hope everyone has a good rest tonight x

HVDY You're so right - why is it men love barbecues - its weird.
Thanks about my aunt. Her DD texted me and said she thought it was a hotel and wondered where you had to pay.
Hope tomorrow is better for you.
Im not feeling so good tonight- off to bed now.Hope Jaffa doesnt wake you so early.

It does help with understanding our family to share things with Ex1, he knows more on the "inside track" as he is there more.

Last night all went to pot - extra drugs and alcohol (but not harmful amounts if rare - the wanting MrA to be banned and feeling it the right thing versus
1. Guilt, strong sense go conscience and effect on MrA who is not young at all = mind you he still goes round and chats up women quite happily and has many quaker friends (who don't know but might)
2. Fear of Opprobrium from 2/3 significant Quakers which could continue to make things tough.

Been struggling with

Should I come clean to Safeguarding and tell them what I have just written here

The advantage of a good BBQ is that it keeps the midges away.

Its seems like a useful kind of day there, HVDY. Needs must at times.

Sweetpeasue - thank goodness she thinks it's a hotel rather than what she has been experiencing. I hope you find her a little better on Monday.

I have never seen jousting, Scaredycat. I'm guessing you were glad to settle in the cool bits of home.

I hope the hospice helped a little, Doodle.

After last night it was a late start but nice to see the sun. I actually ended up going to the gym in the heat of the day and it was a spot on decision, as it was cool and aircon, the exercise did me good and it was a very good session indeed people wise.

On the way home I had a good charity shop brand new dress and blouse haul, I'd only gone in for a prettier sunhat (all gone)

I had ordered a set of 10 used Montalbano series discs. 50/60 episodes, currently spot on to watch. Eye candy plus "good" and transgressive heroic detective? amusing characters? Cant quite forgive him for the last one and Livia. (if you are familiar with the SL)

SweetpeaSue You probably already know this, but when someone with dementia says something they think to be true - living in a hotel/parents still alive/someone stealing their things, etc., it's always best to distract them, if possible, and never correct them. I had a lovely uncle who developed Alzheimer's, and he used to ask how my mum was - she'd been dead for some years, but I used to say "Ok, thanks". I regularly went to an old lady with Alzheimer's who used to ask if her sisters would be visiting, and I always said "perhaps later", as her sisters were all dead and to tell her that would have upset her terribly, as she'd forgotten, of course. I'm keeping a chart detailing fluids in/wees out. Yesterday, in 24 hours, I'd had 19 wees. That's actually an improvement! I've only taken the tablet for 2 days.

Wyllow3 Going to the gym in the heat wasn't a bad idea - I expect it's got air-conditioning? You got some good buys at the charity shop, then. I've stopped buying clothes for a while - 43 dresses is quite enough!

Not much happening today - I fed Son2's cats at 7.30, will go back a couple more times, later. Might visit my brother. Hope everyone manages to stay cool x

Hi all
Wyllow- how nice for you to be able to chat with your Ex about family things. It keeps the family together in a quiet comfortable way.
Mr A should have thought of the consequences of going round trying to be Mr Personality- he,s old enough to know better. No guilty thoughts you,ve done the right thing.
Yes it was lovely getting home to the cool- there was no shade at the jousting and it was so hot. It’s a spectacle and we love horses.
You are Queen of the charity shops- ha ha all the hats had gone with all this sun😩 I wore an old battered straw hat yesterday - one of the advantages of being older - you are invisible!!
Enjoy your DVDs - we are very happy this week as we now have paramount + in with our Sky so can at last watch the end of Yellowstone.
Doodle- I don’t think the jousting can be rehearsed as horses are unpredicatable creatures - even the well trained,ones. One was being a right pain. I would imagine injuries do happen sometimes.
It must be lovely on your balconies in the shade - especially when you can see the river too.
Hope you enjoyed your Church morning - churches often feel lovely and cool inside.
SweetPeaSue- yesterday was perfect for a BBQ - sounds like a proper one too with smoke!! Yes it’s the one time that men volunteer to cook😀
What a sweet thing for your Aunt to say. That seems to indicate that it is a nicer and more comfortable place than the last. I do hope she settles well.You must be looking forward to visiting tomorrow. Can you walk there as you said it is in your village?
HVDY- Zadar is the only place on your list we have been to But only as a day stop on a cruise. We liked it very much though.
It’s interesting to read what you say about talking to Alzheimer’s/dementia patients. We have discovered that it’s best to take the lead from them and not to correct or disagree. But gently chat and keep it light . You must have been such a lovely carer and still are for your family.
43 dresses!! You could open a shop!!
Today is quiet here too. We,ve done some housework this morning so now feet up and DH is in the sun - he loves it. Hoovering Cat Hair is like painting the Forth Bridge
Hope your brother is seeing after himself in this heat .
Our boys don’t seem so hungry as it’s so warm - what about Jaffa? Or is that a silly question😸
EllieAnne- hope the warmth has filtered its way up to you a bit. Also that your weekend has been bearable.
PurplePixie- how is your weekend going?
Nadateturbe- how are you today?

Love to all and remembering those we miss and haven’t seen for a while.

ScaredyCat We've been to Dubrovnik - nice but full of tourists from cruise ships and fans of Game of Thrones (some of it was filmed there). We went to Porec 3 times, and loved it. Also, Cavtat, Rovinj, and Korcula. Most of my dresses were Vinted buys. I'm going to sort through them and get rid of some. Jaffa is sleeping more than usual and isn't bothered about his cat food. He's still enjoying cooked chicken, though. He hardly moults at all, as he's got short, dense fur. I moult the most! Glad you and your husband are having a relaxing day. Does your husband get a tan? My DH mowed the lawn this morning, and I did some shopping.

EllieAnne Have you got better weather today?
PurplePixie and Nadateurbe How are you?

Hope everyone has been ok today. x

Hi!
HVDY- We love Dubrovnik - we are massive Game of Thrones fans and have watched it all 3 times. So walking the streets of Dubrovnik was great. But we,ve been there several times and never tire of its beauty- just too many people.Been to Rovinj and Korcula too.
Glad you said that about Jaffa as our boys are sleeping loads since it’s got hot, I can panic quite easily if I think they may not be right!!Theyre not too bothered about eating either.
Yes DH always gets a tan - I just burn😩
I looked at Vinted and they certainly have some nice stuff. I think GD3 sells some of her stuff on there.
Have a good evening all

Today I went off to Quakers after a slightly but not overwhelming night, and the meeting itself was nice except marginally but not enough troubled by D the one who told me I was inventing, but we are sort of avoiding each other and that was OK. Nice new young Attender, chatted etc.

But after wards L came over could we have a chat. she made a preemptive strike by saying she thought MrA coming monthly was a good move.

I suspect she had discussed it with D and nice but quiet male R to get there.

As we discussed it I just got more clear than ever in my mind.

She said that MrA was borderline dangerous to women: she actually knew more than me about other women reporting him: he is incapable of change etc.

It was a "fudge it" solution - but I felt and said it it is punitive to me: why should I be effectively barred from my own meeting one in four:

MrA had lots of "Friends" he saw regularly, I don't, as due to MrA have not had the chance to make them.

I said for me the way for me to recover was not to have to take some of the responsibility for something I didn't do. To have a clear run.

She said "but oh some people" may turn against you on this.

I said "well, who"

"I cant say"

I pressed her and told her there is nothing worse than someone hinting to me
"some people" may "turn against" me but not giving me the chance to engage and inform them. I said I wasnt ashamed to do that.

(its actually very emotionally manipulative, isnt it?) I told her more about the effects it had had on me that she didn't know,

and said I would forward her all the information that the Safeguarding people had had. I also outlined all the things I had done to try and help MrA to "own things"

and what she didnt know - and had not asked - is that MrA got 5 hours counselling from Restorative Justice - pushed for by me, not any other Quaker who were wishing it would go away or blaming me at the time. that my conscience was at work regarding worrying about MrA night and sometimes day too

but enough was enough.

She did "hear" all I had to say but at the end there was me and D and R and I just left them saying that I felt I couldn't heal without space.

I walked out with P, a shy but long term attender and took the risk of telling her.

It turned out she had been in an appalling marriage with someone like MrA, ie "Mr do gooders" in the world: he could have been in prison these days, but it was then the 1980's and she didnt have any expectations from the police.

I said I hoped she had had some nice relationships after and she smiled and said yes

But it just shows, doesn't it? My supposition of no understanding or support?

After getting home I wrote to Safeguarding saying I had plucked up the courage to ask them what I did feel was best for me, and a little of what L had revealed:

then slept and woke feeling overwhelming guilt blah blah self beating up: L had written to me quite nicely saying yes leave it to Safeguarders and she too hoped MrA would do some counselling as I've tried to say all along:
I replied that I too wanted to leave it up to SGuarding as I'd had a bout of self reproof and simply could only say what I needed and they may come up with factors that demands another solution.

I'm sick to the back teeth of having to engage with some Q's and explain, explain, explain, and yet another day passes on it.
Especially a lovely early summer day.

The cats we had Scaredycat were not great shedders: fortunately, I don't recall the Forth Bridge experience.

I haven't been to any of the places you have, my greatest triumph in "far from home" was Crete 3 times and that was wonderful, and indeed part of the best bits with Ex2: he'd go anywhere happily, lots of bike rides and walks and venturing afield. I still have gratitude for that and some other matters.

On the bucket list for "if I ever can" is actually Capetown, but with someone very confident in travel: or more likely Kenya, as there are a lot of Quakers there once you get there. I guess I like the idea of places that have musical, social and historical interest as well as the faith one: cultures that are actually so really very, very different.

HVDY its hot enough to want to take it slowly - did you get to see your brother today? I expect you will be back on looking after LG soon, does she like playing water games in the garden to keep her occupied?

As ever, despite going on at length, am thinking with love for BD's, in this heat it must be hard nadateturbe: wondering how you are others who post regularly (I'm not good at naming names, as I dont want to leave anyone out, but always want to "know what is going on".

Wyllow the only fair solution I can see is that mr a does not attend your meeting. It must change the atmosphere for others too.
I m at s1 staying the night with gd. The others are away overnight at a competition.
The house is messy but I have no energy to fix it. Have been driving and ferrying gd around. And it’s quite hot.
So I just got a text from Dh. He can’t get the dishwasher to work. So he’s unplugged it. It’s fairly new but I have shown him how to use it at least 3 times!! Oh well I hope he’s washed them by hand and not left them till I get home tomorrow night

sweetpeasue yes my friend has a wonderful view from her balcony. Much better than mine. However I get the sun and she doesn’t so swings and roundabouts.
Glad the BBQ went well. Do hope aunt is happy in the home.
HVDY one of our sons has been to Croatia a few times and loved it. Sorry you didn’t get to see the girls. Hope you do so soon.
I’m really struggling with my weight. I seem so bloated. Got a huge stomach. Are you still on the Slimfast diet? How many times a day do you have it? Do you exercise a lot too? I can’t really exercise much because of my knee but I really must lose weight.
Scaredycat glad you liked the jousting. I can imagine it was quite hot outside. We went to an aircon garden centre for lunch which was nice. I don’t get much shade in my balcony. I have a triple aspect lounge and have sun most of the day through some windows. Currently the sun is streaming through the back window making the room quite warm.
Wyllow I’m a little confused. Surely the matter of whether or not Mr A returns to the meetings is up to the Safeguarding team not for individual members to decide what feels right for them. Only those with all the facts should make the decision. What position is L coming from and if she’s in the safeguarding team how come she doesn’t know all this already.
What a battle all this is for you

L is one of the three people who are responsible for managing our little meeting. "Support Quakers", formally "Servants of the meeting", which was the situation when it started, and there were 6 Servants

In a big meeting Quakers have Elders (for spiritual management, over coming any problems) and Pastoral Care.

But we are all part of an Area meeting, and it is Area who have the key Safeguarding Roles - when it is serious.

So L has a sort of dual role - but one of the other "support" people is D, who was the one who accused me of invention and stirring trouble up. The third, R, is kind, but elderly, and forgetful, and a long term friend of MrA, yet cares about me, so is sort of deadlocked?

So its landed on L's head - or, should I say, she has chosen or been egged on to take it on I told her it was all in Safeguarding hands

So today was unasked for, most unwelcome, and in the end, after she had read all that I presented for the Zoom, accepted it.

At the end of the meeting where I walked out, since I was not there,

MrA had done his Mr Charming and caring-but- poor-me- but -how- I have-done- so- much- for- the- vulnerable in society bit,

and many of those there do not know he has been reported by a number of women over some time for unasked for touching or pinioned to the wall to be dumped on.

So you are right EllieAnne but I also appreciate you understand as do others here just how hard it is to be assertive!!!!
I hope you are able to enjoy some your time out from DH, and..

don't do the washing up if he hasn't done it ........

Doodle I would always choose the sunny flat despite the view being better. Living in a space where the sun doesn't enter to me and clearly to you is like being trapped in the dark looking out on the light, and life has enough of that at times anyway.

If you need to stay in, at least on a sunny day there is some light.
Erm....chair yoga comes straight to mind. You know me and yoga however..always pushing it.

Is your knee able to manage an indoor cycle machine very gently pedalled? (try one in a shop?) As long as that is OK with your heart people.

It is hard not just to find doable exercise but get the oomph to do it.

Not such a great weekend and I’ll be glad when it’s over. Catch up after some sleep.

Hi all
EllieAnne- I expect you are on your way home now. Hope you were able to get some sleep and had fun with your GD.
It’s not up to you to clean their house - especially after a long drive in the heat.
As far as the dishwasher goes- DH better had have washed up - it’s only him. EllieAnne you are not everyone’s slave- you are so kind and helpful for your family but be kind to yourself too.
Doodle- your room must be so lovely and bright- a boon in the cold,dark winter months.
Do you have blinds or curtains?
It’s a hottie today isn’t it.
SweetPeaSue- hope you found a happier Aunt today and that she has settled well in her new home.
Wyllow- you’re right. Enough is enough.P is someone who understands what you are saying. Peoples stories are many and varied aren’t they.How many times do you have to repeat the same simple facts that MrA is a selfish,unpleasant man posing as a caring one and why should he even come to one meeting you enjoy when he could attend others.. it would be interesting to know how many have suffered at his hands.
Crete is one of our favourites. We have been several times to the western half of the Island. There is a wonderful beach there called Elafonisi but sadly there are too many tourists now.
Hope you have been able to get out today.
PurplePixie- hope you,ve had a good sleep after your disappointing weekend.
HVDY- hope you’re having a good day.

Love to all - mentioned and not. Keep coolxx

Continuing the dishwasher saga. Got home before 5. Was putting my weekly shop away. Did it over at ds. Gd ‘helped’which meant she kept spotting things she liked. Oh well why not.
Anyway I had left him mince to cook for dinner if I wasn’t back so he wanted to know how to cook it. So guess what I’m cooking it because it’s easier.
Anyway the dishwasher was full of dirty dishes and a bit smelly so I switched it on and discovered he’d pressed the delay button and when it didn’t start immediately he decided it was broken and unplugged it it’s working fine now.😡

Wyllow3 What a thoroughly unpleasant man MrA is. I hope the Safeguarding people soon sort something out. We'll be looking after LG on Friday, and will probably get the paddling pool out for her. Son1's girls will be with us on Wednesday, so we'll go out somewhere and take a picnic.

Doodle I really need to get back on the diet (I was having 2 or 3 shakes a day, instead of meals). DH and I gained 7lbs on holiday - All Inclusive, which we made the most of, including gateus, cocktails, wine, spirits. No, I don't exercise (Aqua Aerobics occasionally isn't enough).

ScaredyCat We went to Crete 20-odd years ago, in October, and they were having a heatwave - it was 36 degrees! We hired a car (air conditioning). Hope you've had a good day.

EllieAnne You're so good to your family and help out a lot. Can't your husband cook much? About the dishwasher - perhaps now you've explained how it works, he might use it? He surely could have looked in the manual.

Went to see my brother. He had some procedure done to his eyes recently (when I was on holiday) for his Glaucoma, but doesn't think it's helped yet. We chatted a lot for 3 hours. It would have been his wife's birthday in 2 days. He obviously misses her (she only died just less than 3 months ago). Fed the cats at Son2's house, left fresh milk and bread there. They'll be home by 8pm. Hope everyone has managed to keep cool x

Oh EllieAnne No wonder you're fed up! As Scaredycat says - you're not a slave for others - do cut yourself some slack.

Sorry I just cant address all. Im just so emotionally exhausted.
Visit to aunt today seemed to be going 'fairly' well. We sat in the garden in the shade for a while - it was only a few yds to French doors from where she was sat in lounge. Her bedroom is 3 times the size of mine! There's a bar in lounge and we were given scones and a drink.
Getting up to go I was horrified to find her so distressed, crying and she said ' You're not going to leave me here on my own are you?' I couldn't comfort her as she hadn't realised she'd slept there ( 2nights) and seemed to think her family wouldnt know where she was. It took a lot of reassurance - Shed only spoken on the phone to her DD while we were in the garden. Had to get a staff member and tried so hard to keep tears back myself. She didnt know where she was and thought family wouldnt- it was awful. I told her her DD would be coming later.
When I got outside I couldn't stop crying. My mum( her sis) would be devastated. She looked after old people all her life.
How can life be this cruel. My mum died in hospice and begged me to take her home but she couldn't as she was in v last stages of Pancreatic cancer. She tried to 'escape' and was in car park in snow for 2hrs .( long story, drugs ect)
It all comes back now though I have reg nightmares anyway.
Sorry to go on. Just so upset.x