Black Dogs 29

It's so good to see you in, nadateturbe. Thank you as it must be hard to post.
So bitter-sweet - you see those you love, but it is constrained and reminds you of what you miss. I'm just glad to hear of managing those hours now and then. Well, just so glad you are on that list - yes, it's horribly long.

Do tell me, do you get out at all? Can you cope with a drive out and a coffee now and then?

Hey, just popping in and saying hello is enough, you dont have to mention all xx

Good catch up on the domestics there, HVDY , has to be done now and then.
Grossly overdue here, stuff lying about...
Yes, it's not only lovely, but the car park is at the same level as the walk, ie the top of the ridge. No climbing, but some scrambly rocks.

No, you don't bore, Sweetpeasue. You need to be heard, I hear your caring and frustration. You both need to know the cause, and what can be done. Have you managed the beach at all? thank goodness for Fluffball in your lives.

Doodle I wouldn't miss saying good bye to J for anything. It has some very difficult feelings around that have nothing to do with wretched MrA. It's bringing back Dad stuff.

I never grieved, not a tear, there was no funeral, no goodbye, no support as my Mum had collapsed and my Nan refused to let us in to the bedroom where she stayed in bed to see her:

and I wish I had had the courage to nay say her and it is without doubt one of the reasons I have had bad bouts of depression as it was with my nearest sis who also had depression a lot of her life too.: we just went back to uni.

My youngest sis and bro stayed home, and had to go through it, and got lots of support from Mum''s colleagues (they went to the school mum taught at) - but it was really DocSis, age 14, held it together. My family had huge problems with loss - as in denial, but thats another story.

learning about grief is one of the things you and others in GN have taught me xx

For some reason J's death has triggered the loss - and you know what - I am glad I need to learn how to grieve not button up.

dont worry about sense of perspective, OK I know you want to "make things look like they do", but so many famous artists have abandoned perspective long ago since photographs came along. so you may be doing work of great charm, and hang the perspective.

Oh yes Doodle - ^I'm desperate to see the sea too. Do you have a friend who might be up for 3 days or do you want to stay home?

A bit of the beach and sea for you allxxxx

* Nadateturbe* So lovely to see you in. You are never forgotten about here.
M.E. must seem so crue-- you being able to get showered,dressed and ready,- then being back to square one with no energy. That must be really hard. Youve done good to write such a long letter to your GP. Im so sorry about your long wait . Im surprised that more isnt being done for people that have this awful illness . I hope you have some support in other areas , as * Doodle* says - groups or such, though I imagine it must be difficult to keep contact when you're feeling so weak and the brain fog ect.
You are not forgotten. I think of you often ,as we all do, and wonder how you are
Lots of love and a big hug. 🫂 x.xx

Doodle Glad you're seeing a friend tomorrow for coffee. Thankyou for your caring about us. You made me think then about why Rheumatologist didnt do I.njections himself. Indeed I had them done into my shoulders a good while ago by a Rheumatologist. Then DH reminded me they are meant to be done with ultrasound guidance, so perhaps thats why hes still waiting. I take it ip with GP tomorrow - if we get yo see her.
* Wyllow* That must have been such a hard time for you and the circumstances must have played a big part in that trauma. Im sure it must have impacted your MH illness . Im sorry you are re-living , as it were, that time ,brought to the fore by the Quaker's funeral. It seems you have bottled up that grief and thats not good at all. I do hope you can talk it over with someone, your psychologist or even ring a MH worker if you need to. Much love. X
Scaredycat What a beautiful beach - so serene. Thankyou and have a lovely time.

SweetpeaSue You don't bore anyone - we all wish we could help. You and your husband have been through such a lot, and it's no wonder you're both fed-up with it all. Being in pain all the time is horrible. Hope you'll get a GP appointment today.

nadateturbe Lovely that your son and daughter stayed for a while. Having no energy and being unable to do a lot must be very frustrating. M.E. isn't very understood, is it? As Doodle says, are there any groups you could join for support?

Doodle Getting up at 8.30 felt as though half the day had gone. I'm so glad the weather is better. Good that you're seeing friends. My brother is going to the Men in Sheds today and tomorrow.

Wyllow3 That must have been so difficult, not grieving for your dad. How come there was no funeral? Bottling up your sorrow and missing your dad but being unable to show it would, undoubtedly, have affected your mental health. I understand that - when brother3 died (I was with him), I had a week off work and we never really spoke about him again.

Up at a better time (for me) of 6 O'clock. Fed Jaffa, the birds and squirrels. Going to see to the Grandcats soon, then aqua aerobics later. Hope ALL BDers have a decent day x

ScaredyCat Gorgeous beach photo. Glad you're having a nice time.

DH got phone appt with GP quite early. She didnt want to have F2F but has referred him for Xray which is Monday and prescribed codeine. Think it will be very limited how much help xray will be. Im beginning to think it could be Rheumatoid arthritis, even though the BT didnt show high inflammation markers ( when he had Polymyalgia the inflammation markers weren't that high either). My reason being that hes pain bilaterally over most of body. Hes not wanted to eat much today.
Went to son's this morning then just to a Costa and home.

Hope everyone has been OK.
Wave to Nadateturbe. X

Lovely lovely photo, Scaredycat.

I read a bit on RA Sweetpeasue and yes early it wont show up on an X ray, but I'd still rather he had one? Might it be useful for some other possibility?
I hope your son was OK - does he live far, as I have forgotten.

Yes well a week off is just so inadequate, I would hope it was better now. HVDY. It was my Nan that stopped us going to the funeral. and other reasons which frankly were bizarre. DocSis and I have now very strong feelings about doing it properly and allowing grief.

MrA wasn't there today, but I wish I had known before nearly the end.

Its just totally exhausted me, processing will take time. And so has the humidity so not doing anything except lie down

Scaredycat thank you for the photo. Beautiful beach. Hope you’re enjoying yourselves. I am going on a cruise in September. Mainly because family would be happy for me to have a break and also friend I’m going with has been so kind to me. Am I excited, no. Looking forward to it, no. I am hoping when I get away I will be able to get pleasure from the trip but without DH nothing is the same. I sound a right misery but the truth is I’m not the same person any more.
Sweetpeasue glad you got at least a conversation with the Gp. Codeine might help the pain. But don’t forget the laxatives . You don’t want to fix one problem and create another. Nice you got to see your son today. I was in Costa with a friend this morning too.
HVDY I love the grand cats 🐈‍⬛ 🤣. How big are they now? Jaffa will be jealous. Hope you got on well at aqua. Is it hot in there? I’m pleased your brother is going to men in sheds. It would be nice if he made some friends there or had a coffee with someone. There must be others there on their own I would imagine.
Wyllow how awful not to be able to go to your father’s funeral. Sometimes the children are overlooked a bit when people die. The theory being kids get over things when the reality is far from that and they can have trauma the rest of their lives. My mother’s mother died when she was nine and my mum was left to bring up her two younger brothers as best she could. Her father turned to drink when his wife died. She was an amazing mum. Always cared for others but she never forgot what it was like in those early years.
Had a nice coffee with friend this morning. Bit of shopping then home to wash hair and do a bit of tidying,

Hi all
Nadateturbe- so good to see you. I,m glad you saw your family but understand how sad it must have made you feel to have such a brief time together.
It’s dreadful you having to wait for so long to get your support appointment. You must get so frustrated and lonely too.
Take care and remember we all care a lot about you.
Doodle- It would be so good for you to get to the seaside. Do you think you might be able to get there with your lovely friend.
Glad you’re getting out and about again- thank goodness for that cooler weather.
Art is about Interpretation and how the artist sees things- don’t get hung up on technical stuff. Just go for it!!
HVDY- Wow your Sons cat is a big old boy- the bigger the better!!
Sorry you got tangled up with a nasty lady on Vinted- don’t know why some people have to be so nasty.
We get up at 8.30 every morning . But I get up earlier and feed the boys then go back and they come too.
Yes the beaches in this area are lovely but that one is ours.
SweetPeaSue- you don’t bore anyone- you and DH have had more than your fair share of worry and we all care about you and him.
Glad DHwas able to speak with the GP - better now to wait and see what the X-ray shows . His tummy is probably feeling a bit churny with it all and it’s affecting his appetite.
Your Son must have been happy to see you both.
Wyllow- Ah that was hard for you and your Sister . Funerals are never nice but they are our chance to say goodbye to those we loved. It did you no favours to be so hurt and ignored. Your Doc Sis sounds as if she was strong at a very young age. Grief is such a personal thing and it’s probably a good thing now to open yourself up to emotions and do what feels natural for you. Hope you were able to rest both body and mind- you have turned another corner.
Glad you like the photo. I took lots today in a beautiful very old town.
EllieAnne ,Purple Pixie hope you are OK.

Love to all. Xxx

SweetpeaSue If your husband has got Rheumatoid Arthritis, I'm not sure an x-ray will help. Blood tests are usually done to diagnose it. As you know, it's an autoimmune condition (Polymyalgia is too). Both things are treated with steroids. My dad had RA in his hands and knees, had to retire a year early (64) because he found it difficult to do his job - painter and decorator - and he used to have steroid injections in his hands. Nice that you saw your son. Has Fluffball gone home?

Wyllow3 I could only stay off work 1 week as 1) I didn't get paid sick pay and 2)Mum had been made redundant, 2 weeks before Xmas. They'd lost my brother's wage, too, of course. The weather's been pleasant here, with a breeze. The sky suddenly turned quite dark an hour ago and began raining (and still is).

Doodle Where's the cruise to? No, it won't be the same without your husband, but hopefully, when you're there, you'll relax and have a good time. I suppose it's a case of making a new, different life for yourself, which can't be easy. My brother said the She place is shut tomorrow - 2 men are ill, 2 are on holiday. I suggested he swap numbers with the men and invite them to his house or a cafe/pub for a drink. I don't expect he will do anything. The GrandCats at Son2's house are a few years old. The other ones (GD2's cats) are younger - the mum is 2, the kitten is 1. Obviously, I don't see them (photos only) as we never see GD's mother (nor would I ever want to again). Glad you had company today for a while.

I did aqua, had lunch at the pub with my aqua friend, then did a bit of tidying up. DH out with Son1 this evening and he'll see to Son2's cats at bedtime. Love to all x

Doodle - what a Mum. What a star. From 9, too.
How could you be the same person ever again? It wont be "As before" on the cruise, I hope it becomes "something different" with its rewards. You need a break, certainly.

The old French towns, *Scaredycat, with the style of the region, and foodie delights - what a pleasure to wander round - if it's not too hot?

Good ideas for brother, HVDY....well you can only take the horse to the water, not make him drink. a good day to do aqua and lunch, not as hot.

Mind you, it was an exhausting muggy afternoon, and there has been the pleasure of a long shower of rain. Everything did get too much, brain and feelings overload, and I took extra meds to get a sleep to knock myself out for a bit, and that helped.

How are you, EllieAnne and PurplePixie?
Tree men tomorrow morning.

Well the stair lift has arrived and I hate it. It’s the first thing you see when you come in the front door.
I have no hand rail so don’t feel safe on the stairs and if he leaves it at the top with out folding it up I can’t get past. Yes I know I can use it but I prefer to use my legs while I can and I m quicker that way.
He doesn’t know what guarantee or warranty he has because he didn’t ask.
Things are very fraught but I don’t know if he’s even aware of it. There are holes in the wall needing filled and needing painted but I expect that will be my job too.
Had my moan so will be quiet now. I am following you and thinking of you all.

Always following you too EllieAnne with your concerns and struggles. Never call it a moan - it's your chance to have us walk your difficult journey with you, and others may be reading thinking "thats me!!!"

Tell me, has he always been like this - ie you run the practical side of the endeavour, the finances, noticing this, noticing that? Is it a lifelong pattern, you take these responsibilities on, he fails to "know what to notice". What sort of a Dad was he?

With my first husband I was more for less like that, runninghte practicalities and the finances....except anything I asked, was done willingly.

However, it was one of the resentments that led to our break up

But - and this is more than a but, its huge -he was a superb Dad, hands on, loving, and guiding DS right up to PhD level in Maths.

Also he has changed - having to do stuff for himself after the break up, and now been doing therapy because the immediate break up reason was that when I first got severely depressed in the early 2000's - serious suicide attempt, inpatient, and all - he was unable to support me, he was sort of frozen up, cos of his own childhood. He was unable to pick up the phone and ask for help for me.

So he is now very self aware.

The tree men have been here and a lovely boost to take my brain away from being pretty troubled: nice chats as they are interested in social and political stuff which I am:

I was going to go out to the gym, to connect and leave the mood behind, but actually spent an active productive morning whilst they were here, and I'm just worn out physically and mentally, so will be trying to do my meditation and calm down stuff, which I haven't been able to do for days.

Yesterday was a big Deal, and I want to process it all and ponder gainfully if I can.

I want to be on the beach with you, Scaredycat. Just one hour's magic carpet visit?

Hi all
Doodle- I,m pleased you and your friend have decided to do a cruise together. Of course it won’t be the same for you but she is someone you are very fond of and a great friend. It will be a different holiday but a cruise is perfect for you both. Wyllow- Something different every day,lots to see and do and nice food too. There will be couples but also there are usually people on their own too. We made friends with 2 ladies years ago who were both on their own and had known each other for years. They were lovely and we had several cruises with them and have still kept in touch and try and see each other once a year.
You can but give it a try.
HVDY- what a shame The Shed was not happening. Men are not like us at getting together are they.
We had a nice day today . Visited a coastal town that is well known for its Oysters. It was great to see people enjoying big plates of them in the sun. But to both of us they look yucky - all glutinous and slippery.
EllieAnne- I,d be spitting feathers if I was you- that’s so selfish to make it dangerous for you to be on the stairs. You are so sensible - while you can go up the stairs yes you need to.
It’s just sheer selfishness. You never moan - you’re getting walked all over?
Wyllow- we,d love to have you here on the beach Wyllow- get that carpet ready!! If not you need to book a break by the sea when you feel able. Would one of your GC go with you?
A time of reflection and meditation sounds a good idea but don’t dwell too much on the past few weeks just on good things in your life of which there are more than you think.
Good morning with the tree men- we like our tree men too.A good chat with different people always helps.
I,ll keep my eye out for the magic carpet.

Love to all mentioned and missing.

Sorry Doodle I don’t know why I wrote Wyllow in that sentence!!

I'll be three tomorrow for an hours aperitif, Scaredycat
I'm with you on the oysters. The very thought. But all the other fresh seafood - well - I hope you love that as I do.

Psychological bit - can be passed on by BD's You have your own concerns but it helps me to write it out.

There is an internal battle still pulling me down, but I think rest and good things will gradually work. The Zoom I have with the head honcho Safeguarding next Tuesday will certainly be understanding and may well make a substantial difference.

Today I came across stuff I'd written in the year I was breaking up with Ex (and it took all the year 2022). Most ghastly gaslighting ie messing head around - lies, blame, criminality followed by begging, praise, and even suicide threats.
But - all who knew me were backing me.

But this time I actually had the gaslighting (ie denial of what it really was) from not just MrA but also - from some Quakers in different degrees.

Now that does do ones head in, and that is something for me to talk over with Head Honcho. I always want to understand....I know some people rather wouldn't, but for example I want to know from her what could I have done differently?

How do I cope with remaining naysayers?

And some reassurance that MrA is not crumbling under my "horrible actions" (yes, that is the inner voice that is wrong wrong wrong but I seek reassurance about.

Since I have no intention of going down it a third time in the future

How have other BD's days gone?

Scaredycat Oh Im with you about the Oysters - really yucky looking. Glad you're having a nice time and the weather is sunny.
HVDY Aw thats such a shame that your brother misses out on The Shed when he was intending to go. Maybe next time- hope so.
Yes theres a R.A. markers in a BT and also inflammatory markers though when I googled can you have RA without positive BTs it mentioned about 50% of people don't have the markers required. There must be some reason why he has so much pain. Still think it could be RA but we'll see. You are good to keep up the aqua-aerobics.
EllieAnne I feel angry for you. I would absolutely hate a stairlift for no reason. I'm sorry its turned out this way for you. I understand that you wouldn't want to use one while you're still able.
Wyllow Glad the 'tree men' were good company. I think we'll need them here for cutting our front hedge. I understand you needing the extra meds when you cant sleep- sometimes our minds just wont stop overthinking. I hope the coming Quaker Safeguarding meeting will be of ho and you can get some peace from it. Sometimes though theres nothing else you could have done differently that would have made things any better.
Doodle I can understand you not having any interest in going on holiday with anyone other than your DH. You may feel differently when you are away though and your friend will understand your m ixed feelings about it Im sure. It will be very different but good on you for keeping trying to live your life- your DH will be proud.

Bit of shopping in - DH dyed my hair . The white ( its all white now) shows through so much quicker in the thinning areas. Then a sleep this aft as Ive been feeling crashed. DH had heart nurse phone 'follow up'. Hes not needed to take the spray since shed changed a tablet so she just advised him to always carry it with him in case.

Hoping everyone has a peaceful night. Love to all and nit forgetting * Nadateturbe** Purplepixie* x

Scaredycat hope you’re enjoying yourselves. Did you enjoy your visit to the town and the coastal town. I don’t like oysters so wouldn’t have been for me. Yes I would love to go to the sea but might have to wait till I get to Southampton in September. DH and I used to go to the south coast a lot. I think it will bring back memories. You’re right my friend is a very good friend. I will make the effort for her sake .
HbDY were going to Norway which I love but it will be sad not being there with Dh. We had such good times. That was a great idea of yours for your brother to get some phone numbers and ask people for a drink.life would be a bit easier for him if he kept himself more occupied. Hope you enjoyed aqua.
Ellie Anne that sounds dangerous. No handrail for you and not being able to get past it at the top of the stairs. I can understand you’re not wanting to use it unless you need it. Quite right. You should insist on him at least folding the seat up so you can get past it. I would be cross.
Wyllow pleased you had such n interesting time with your tree men. Sounds like you got on well and chatting with them probably did you good. I think I should do meditation. I can’t seem to slow my brain down. I’m constantly flitting from one thing to another. I hope your zoom meeting is beneficial to you. So much to consider. You need some support.
Sweetpeasue that is good news about your Dh not needing the spray so often. Good he’s being followed up. What colour do you do your hair? Sometimes white can be very pretty.
Thank you. Yes I will do my best with this holiday. My friend has been very good to me and she deserves a good time.
Church this morning then visited a friend this afternoon.
Art tomorrow

It's nice that DH does your hair, Sweetpeasue. Whatever works best thinning hair wise sounds pretty good for me, it's just keeping it up, isnt it. I'd like the fast forward that pain clinic for DH, as I think it could really help specialist wise. How far can he walk? Can you get out much?

I have an afternoon sleep every day now except maybe one every so often. I think it's frustrating as we recall whole days doing this or that, but glad you "give into it" when you do. It's easier in the summer, as there is still light left in the evening.

Doodle - I used to do a lot of meditation and of course yoga does calm sometimes. May I share with you my current go to meditation? Now, this comes across as a bit "California" at first, but I find it really good. I recommend if you can do it with moible or lap top you make yourself really comfy on the bed. it starts with a physical relaxing bit, then onto letting go with the mind. Used it for years on and off. And ignore the picture, I do it lying down all comfy on bed with some nice lavender spray.

What I do, as my mind rapidly wanders off, is, on my lap top go back to the beginning as many times as it takes to focus. It 20 mins long.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPgcQhqMtDg

EllieAnne I don't blame you for being angry. Why on Earth have a stairlift when it's not necessary? Your husband sounds quite selfish.

ScaredyCat Oysters - yuk. I wouldn't touch them. I'm glad you're having a good time.

SweetpeaSue Your husband is good to help you do your hair. Have you ever considered having some highlights? Some subtle light brown or blonde would blend in with your white. It's good that he doesn't need to use the spray, but sensible to carry it with him, just in case.

Doodle Norway sounds lovely. I've seen tv adverts about them. Going with your friend might well remind you of the times you went with your husband, but you can make some new memories, too. My brother won't do anything to make his life better - he won't pay for a cleaner or gardener (he needs both), nor will he pay £8.50 for the cinema (on a day that's cheap for OAPs). He's such a misery.

Wyllow3 The "naysayers" don't matter. Are you overthinking it all? I doubt you could have done anything differently. It was September last year when the MrA incident happened. Time to get your life back? See your son, your grandchildren, your brother, go for a bike ride - all the things that matter.

Not a bad day - pleasant weather, bought more marigolds to replace the ones that died off recently. DH and I had afternoon tea at The Pudding Pantry, a gift from Son2. Had a nap, read a lot and had 1 1/2 hour 'phone chat with a friend. Hope everyone has a restful night x

Sweetpeasue I wasnt trying to say I have fibro like you - I dont get the pain, just fade out after 3/4 hours with people or physical exercise max, and need that afternoon sleep atm. Otherwise if I force myself to stay awake I get restless and useless evenings usually.

HVDY Oooh The Pudding Pantry sounds wonderful! What a lovely gift.
I have considered highlights- only trouble is I dye my hair so often myself that it would cover all the highlights. The top ,back of my head is so sparse- I feel ashamed yet nothing Ive done to have female pattern alopecia.
Wyllow Homestly , I didn't think you were saying you were the same, dont worry. I understand that thick head ,cant keep awake feeling ,whatever the cause and sleep is only answer.

Wouldn't you just know it! DH hasn't needed spray for a about 6 weeks and ,just after telling heart nurse in follow up appt, he had to use it first thing this morning. Well if it gets too bad we'll just have to tell GP again.
Just going out to visit a person from book group. A real one off for me.

SweetpeaSue DH and I love afternoon tea, so we ask for that instead of anything the family would buy us for Christmas, birthdays, etc. Do you dye your hair a dark colour? I used to do mine black or very dark brown, but I had to do it every few weeks. I ended up using some dye-removing stuff (Amazon) - it took 3 boxes - and then did it blonde. Once I'd got the condition better, I asked the hairdresser to put highlights in. I left it to go grey(white0all over a couple of years ago. Your husband was doing well without his spray. At least he's got it, and it helps. How did your visit go?

Nice day at day centre - Spanish chicken, patatas bravas and salad. I won a raffle prize of bath/shower gel, foot scrub, hand cream, and body butter, pomegranate- and strawberry-scented. How's everyone else been? x