Black Dog 30

Wyllow3 I'm lucky that my husband has always been able to fix things (washing machine, etc.), but the days of lifting a car bonnet to see what's broken are gone - it's all done on computers at a garage now. The brake discs didn't fit (despite the description saying they were for our particular car). They are Bosch, so not an unknown make. He bought some different ones from EuroParts, and they've been fine. He'll get a refund for the others (Amazon). Have you been doing much today? It's been drizzling here since about 5pm.

ScaredyCat You can't be 84! You seem so young at heart and active. Aww, look at Kai. He's adorable. Cats are so entertaining sometimes. How sad about your friend's son, not getting any help either. He must find things so difficult. He could perhaps contact Dementia UK or Alzheimer's Society for advice/support.

Doodle I remember how poorly treated your husband was. It's no wonder it makes you angry. I never want to go into hospital again - the experience was awful. We met Son1 and his eldest girl for a late lunch (he went home to pick her up), played cards in the pub, and they had the dog with them - she's very well-behaved and enjoyed some treats there.

EllieAnne Did your DH have his scan ok? When will he know the results? Sorry you're so lonely and sad. I worry about the future, too, but we never know what is to come. Will you go out somewhere tomorrow?

SweetpeaSue I suppose a little bit of human food would be ok for a dog - the one at Son1's house has the odd bit of chicken and rice now and then. The throw and cushion covers I've ordered are in a brown and cream cow print. Like you, I don't like housework (it's a necessary but futile task). I put things on the stairs to take up when I need to go up there (we use the toilet downstairs).

Bought some dark green trousers and a lighter green jumper, for a change from always wearing black or navy trousers and pink or blue tops. Hope everyone has a peaceful night. x

Yes he had the scan . I think he will get the results quite quickly.
I will go to church tomorrow but won’t share much .
I’ve put two jumpers in my basket at temu but not sure about it. The sizes can be a bit iffy.

SweetpeaSue This, according to Google - how long for Amlodipine to leave the body. Half-life: The elimination half-life of amlodipine is 30 to 50 hours. This means your body takes 30 to 50 hours to reduce the drug level by half.Complete clearance: It takes about 5.5 half-lives for a drug to fully leave the body.Duration: For amlodipine, this equals roughly 10 to 12 days

EllieAnne It's a shame you feel unable to talk frankly to anyone about your marriage situation. Would talking to the Samaritans help? I've found the sizing of Temu stuff to be ok but the quality isn't the best, and there are no darts in the blouses. I bought DH 3 pairs of shorts, and they were very good.

HVDY Thankyou so much for that. I had no idea . Im hoping it will make a substantial difference .

EllieAnne Hope the results of your DHs scan wont be too worrying. Also that your church service tomorrow might help a little.

Brother will be in early October, HVDY, as I’m going got be away. But we could WhatsApp video. It’s good you had a long natter with GD1 and I am glad she is doing better at school now they have gone back. Well yes you are right about the computer thing now. Cars are just getting worse for that. Used to be many could tinker and fix their cars.
Like the greens. Cool, in fashion atm, along with more browns.

Oh Scaredycat, we will never cease having a teenager within. It’s called being alive and curious as a human bean. Well, Kai likes the home comforts in whatever shape and form appeal. Of course it’s stressing you out - fears never welcome.
I’m angry about that unsupportive family, Trouble is we never know what really goes on.

Oh indeed Doodle. I had brought minimal supplies of tablets in and was stupid enough to let a nurse see them. She actually whipped the little zip bag out of my hands. 😡Oh, “mental health” she must be bonkers”. the amount was so very small and non harming.

In the end after night number 2 of hell in the early morning I saw a young doc who spotted I well knew what I was doing immediately and believed me, especially as the amount was so very small. But I reckon with a letter and number to contact I’d be OK, as long as I make sure to be ill Monday to Friday and they can cross check. Also cross check that its all down on the emergency contact and personal health details on my mobile if I am not compos mentis.

Poor you, with DH. You have every right to be angry. With you there, clearly on the ball as well. Meds like pregabalin meeting essential emotional needs it is particularly important given the stresses of hospital life. I shall have some concealed in my pink bag. Yes, wise lady having the bag ready for DH. Just knowing it was there.
I’m so glad you have that “in the flats” lady.

That’s the trouble, EllieAnne. You are now supposed to have A Certain Role and suppress the basic deep unhappiness. As for the lady at the church well thats the typical “do your duty” remark unfortunately conventional people give. Of course you feel lonely and frightened what the future might holds. Temu has some grand stuff - good luck there, it’s often good but not predictable. I hope you get the results quickly.
Keep posting xx

You too, Sweetpeasue. It’s the uncertainty. Hmmm, sounds like unfortunately Fluffball was maybe spoilt as bit as regards human food and you are sort of having to deal with the results of it - its all very well but in public situations you cant do it as regards taking it out.
Well I guess that you got bits of exercise on those stairs is the only reward.
Oh you are not the only non house cleaning and sorting one here. Well done being firm with DH on the legs thing. He’ll thank you when the pain lessens. Is there nay thing he can do with his hands when having to sit down more than he wants? Blokes aren’t so good at knitting and so on or sewing repairs. Get those challenging jigsaws out?

Well I had a lovely day today. I did take it easy. New friend round unexpectedly and lunch and easy chat no walks or gym, catching up.
Had a sleep.

Then later, the big and lovely surprise.

But tonight what a treat. I went to see friend again, who has a nephew staying.
Nervous - stranger -
He turned about to be a simply lovely bloke in his 40's, very caring, and a very happy meal was had altogether. (so I am not in need of the trebuchet cake just now) He is a musicologist with wide tastes and well travelled.

But…. after 2 hours he turned out to be a quiet Quaker. In need of some family warmth. But the Quaker thing was funny and sweet. We never march into a situation declaring it, it emerges. Quick definition of what sort of (well, as we have no creed, each is different) and suddenly for me another door opened, for my own family find my admittedly unusual faith totally incomprehensible as they take a science POV (ie no proof, when faith has no proof, it just “is). I told him about the Zooms. Needless to say I didn’t tell him about recent events but did share the Ex2 stuff it felt safe as I knew he had been unlucky in love.

I’m watching last night at the proms and they are singing “Auld Aquaintance”

Maybe being happy is possible, maybe it might be safe. I might change my mind however.

Good morning. I would like a little help if anyone can give it please.
I have a young granddaughter, nearly 18, intelligent and beautiful. Since lockdown she had had mental health problems. She has missed a lot of school. She is once again deeply depressed and talking about suicide. Her mother sleeps with her and once again she is not in school.
They are a close very loving family and my son says it is heartbreaking.
We are both over 80 and live a 6 hour rive away.
What can we do?

Hi JamesandJon33.

I have had severe bouts of depression all my life on and off including being a teenager and yes felt suicidal. But back then I didn't even know the word depression.

Over the years various things have helped me. It took a long time to find the right drugs but GP's are generally better informed and have access to better meds.

She does need the right meds. It is very very hard to get help at her age these days, and if the family can manage it financially I would actually recommend a private psychiatrist. Because no long waiting and an overall assessment soon.

And if she is a bright cookie - but struggling so much - a talking therapy. but a gentle one, not deep psychotherapy That person might make her less afraid of her own condition.

It is very frightening when you first feel suicidal. As time goes on you accept it and it becomes less scary. But no point at this stage telling her that, just to offer you and her Mum and Dad an explanation that many people even with so called normal lives feel that urge at times.

You ask, above all, "what can we do". Well, if necessary, help mum make the two steps above, ie medication and some talking therapy.

For you - why, what I have learnt over years and years is what a lovely GP told me in 2002.

She said, "I cant take away your pain, but I can walk through it with you

that has never left me, JamesandJon33. I have had nurses who have pestered me with "why dont you do this or that" and find it wearying, tho it is spot on for some.

So what you can do is spend time with her, and maybe too her mum separately. Be a loving listener. show you are not scared (even if you do feel that a bit)

Listen, accept, comfort "you poor darling, I can understand how scared you are". If possible, talk about ordinary things.
Little walks. Little pointings out of nature around us.

Reassure her that it will not go on forever, even if she feels it will. Tell her that others have walked her journey and have survived and felt better. Has she got a kitten or cat to cuddle?
Let her know it doesn't matter missing school, there are others who have trodden her path, and life will give opportunities.

PM me with any direct questions - what I cant answer is who is your best go to local psychiatrist: its possible that you can get advice on that is the GP is good on Mental health.

I have also had lovely help from carers from time to time but again, choose well xx

I have PM'd you with a recommendation.

Last night I felt so happy.

Waking, doubts crept in.

I need to learn that happiness is possible but it isn't all enveloping, it comes and goes, and to avoid the down sides is a great mistake. And this relationship has built in potential sadness. and I've chosen it eyes wide open.

JamesandJon33

If the need is urgent then of course its A and E or better maybe ring 111 option 2 which is Mental Heath.

The sort of questions they will ask will be stuff like, "has she made plans" (ie, as to the how) "does she self harm physically or mentally", as these are signs/steps.

Although you are 6 hours away certainly you can give mum support, as regards personally it's a matter of FaceTime and how open she feels able to be with you. All of you are scared for her, and she is afraid of her own feelings for sure, she is so young. But MH services are strained: at her age she comes under Adult Mental Health Services in most places (that goes for Scotland too).

It may be she can find some reassurance from knowing she is not alone as n some kind of group. Certainly try to take away any shame she might feel, it's part of the condition, not being able to do what former school mates did. Nevertheless Mum might be able to google if there is any kind of group where she will realise she is not alone.

Sent you another PM J and J.

Well, I have managed to frame my 3 pictures. Convinced I wouldn't, of course, but did. Took 1 hour clearing a way into the spare room to do it.

How are other BD's getting along?

JamesandJon33 Im so sorry to hear of your worries and concerns for your granddaughter. It sounds as if she has serious mental health problems that haven't properly ,yet been addressed by professionals.
Wyllow here has expert advice which is based on long personal experience with many MH professionals and the way the system works. Please regard her thoughts and suggestions as valuable as she knows more than most of us about the actual MH system .
I really hope that your dear granddaughter gets the help she needs. You sound like very caring, loving grandparents and that counts for so much in your granddaughter's life.
Sending you love and take care of yourselves too. x

Wyllow What a helpful post there for J&J.

F has certainly been spoilt though its so hard not to as shes so cute- of course she knows it.
Its hard because shes not ours - but in our house its our rules. ( I believe son n DIL are trying to undo bad habits now)
DH can read (phone) while sitting , no problem, but with his feet up above heart hes been in lying position on sofa with legs up on sofa arm .

Glad you had such a lovely day. What a great surprise to have your friend vome to see you and sounds like he has such a nice nephew too. Im really pleased for you.
I think you're a little afraid of trusting the happier times and totally understandable. I often feel like that myself. Happiness, I think, is a transitory thing. I cant see how total happiness can last when we care for others; there will always be the fear of those we care about being sad or even leaving this world.
I dont think we can ever be 'safe' when we love. However , you need to feel safe right now after your long spell of illness ,though shutting the door to relationships that might leave you vulnerable? That would seem sad indeed too.
I think the fact that you recognise the pitfalls and are fully aware means you have your eyes wide open so thats good. You are fragile -I understand - but stronger also ,if that makes sense.
Oh well done on that picture framing. Always good to feel that a room has been sorted.

* Wyllow* Re-reading my last post a bit concerned I come over as * knowing* your psyche which isnt true! Sorry.😂

Have had a quiet day. Run out to local garden centre( just for something to do out of the house). Didnt buy.
Did a bit of dusting and washed bathroom mats then sat in the garden reading book for book group. Lovely windless and warm day.
DH washed car and did a bit of hoovering - he cleaned my cooker top too! Never asked. Made sure he did the feet up thing though no change in feet condition yet.

Hope everyone has been OK.

Hi all
Doodle- the passion and hurt are still so raw- your words are powerful.Being in hospital is not the safe place it used to be.
I can imagine you standing at the back of the boat- it’s hypnotic isnt it. Arriving at new ports is exciting too- you and your friend deserve the best of times.
I hope these first Sunday with your new Vicar was full of kindness and hope.
SweetPeaSue- my friends Son is 60 so no spring chicken. He’s had a very chequered life but the one constant has been his love for his Mum.
Wow all those stairs - I,d have been on my knees after that. Really great exercise though for you. Housework is so repetitive and boring . No sooner is it clean then it’s dirty again.
You are right to insist your DH sits properly- Wyllow is right.
Does he feel like doing any of his Art at ll?
HVDY- your DH is certainly pretty handy both in the house nd outside. He must like keeping busy.
Ha ha you better believe it!!Although sometimes I can’t believe I,m that ancient either. I do try hard to keep active- it helps I think that I,ve done lots of sports and walking. Getting used to having to slow down is hard but necessary now. I do get very tired in the afternoon.
I seem to remember when I was little pets just ate whatever was going and all the cats drank milk.
EllieAnne- I hope the scan doesn’t show anything too serious for your DH for your sake. I feel so sad for you living as you do- the future is out of our hands though.
Wyllow- it was indeed a lovely day for you. You have the possibility of being part of something special. It’s so nice that your new friend enjoys his family as he does.
Being Happy is something we long for and when we are we,re scared it,ll disappear in a puff of smoke.
Be glad of your new friendship- yes it won’t always be easy but then really worthwhile things take time and effort and this friendship has such lovely possibilities.
JamesandJon33- Welcome. I,m so sorry your GD is so sad it must worry you all so much .Make sure she knows you are always there to listen and to love her. The distance between you in miles is great but if you have FaceTime it is such a lovely thing to be able to see our loved ones. Wyllows advice is invaluable- she has much experience with MH and the System.
I do hope your GD gets the help she needs. She may find it easier to talk to you so make sure she knows you’re always there to listen.
Take care of yourselves too- my heart goes out to you both.

Love to all- wishing all a peaceful night

Scaredycat new vicar was very good. Nice sermon about being inclusive and showing kindness to others. Plus a few jokes. Seems ok so far. Good your son’s friend cares for his mum.
Sweetpeasue sounds like you had a peaceful day. Just what you need. Good your Dh is putting his feet up.
JamesandJohn welcome. Your words brought back memories to me. In my case it was my grandson not granddaughter but very similar situation. Offer your support and love. Does your DGD have any friends. Give her some space without pressure and I sincerely hope she’ll come through this. In our grandsons case it was getting older that helped. Wise words form Wyllow
HVDY your Dh is very much a handy man. Seems to be able to turn his hand to most things. Glad you had a nice lunch.
I’ve just bought some black jog pants and a stripey jumper. Can’t believe I’m the size I am now. I was size 12 until late 50s I’m a 16 now.
Ellie Anne what are they like at returns? Could you buy one in two sizes and send back the ones that don’t fit? Hope your DH’s results are ok.
Wyllow my darling man was fully capable of sorting his meds out. He knew exactly what each tablet looked like and when it needed to be taken. Everything was written on a spreadsheet, dosage timing etc. He gave the doctor a copy of that spreadsheet but even though the doc agreed they took his tablets away and would only give them to him when they did the medicines round on the ward, no matter what he needed or when, it always had to be during the medicines round. I too had some of his pills I kept back.
How nice to meet that young man and find out he was a Quaker. Must have been good for him to meet up with you too. Glad you had a nice time with a new friend too.

Well actually, pretty accurate, Sweetpeasue, pretty accurate, and excellent advice. So no fretting now.

The trick is to take ones own advice 😊 (!?) I’m glad you are all trying to socialise Fluff a bit. If everyone pulls together. You are a strong woman if you go into a garden centre and don’t buy. Excellent work by DH there.. Two of my pet hates.

You are not ancient, Scardeycat. Ancient is as much in the mind as the body, for there are many younger who need that afternoon nap for whatever reason. The struggle is to make the “how do I spend limited energy” choices tho, is it not? Having to choose between that which before we’d do both or all of. Grrrrr.

New Friend btw is 80 a widower of 5 years not some younger person. Old enough to have suffered life’s adversity but survive it. Yes his nephew is in his late 30’s but needs some love and imput - maybe he will come up again at least he knows there is someone who understands.

James and Jon I so hope the family do find a way to help her. I still think that even if not right now, in total crisis, the loving listening ears at some point will count for a great deal. She’s young - it’s all enveloping, and it takes time to grow into understanding how love can help once the utter panic is passed.

I’m glad the new vicar was very good Doodle. What an appropriate and kind sermon. And not heavy handed. It bodes well, it really does. Did his family come along or taking it slowly in that regard?
Now 16 is not so great a size at all!!!!! It’s natural to be heavier, but I do understand the wish not to put more pressure on your knees. Is your weight stable now? I used to be an 8 or 10 and now well..bigger tho it depends on the shop - TU is mega flattering!

How wonderful your DH was in taking the responsibility for that degree of sorting complex medication patterns. Yes you did well to keep a few handy. Always is 🫶.

Well I didn’t go out today to get some walking and fresh air, but I have sorted and tided a great deal, and of course my “hospital and away stay” getting whole sets of stuff so I never have to pack and unpack all the leads and charging devices and creams and shower treats and even maybe a pretty lightweight dressing gown. Simple to buy toothpaste: not so much, all the leads and spare electric toothbrush and so on, yes the enlarging mirror to look and eat with those aspects of face care that are so tedious but necessary…

I hope other BD’s are as well as. And thought of, even if not in.

Yes , a very helpful post Wyllow and I thank you for it

🫶

I did far too much again last night so woke again totally cream crackered
I really have to break this habit. Its damaging! It means a struggle to go to the gym and other things that matter to stay well.

I am fretting about this roof thing and need to get the roofer round asap to look inside at the damp and also the inner attic room that is my storage space but is so airtight its could be a major course, possibly even not the roof itself. but if it has to go......aaagh.

....I hate up heavens like this tho my lovely cleaner will help with moving stuff around but it raises the "how long can I live here" question as well at 75.

Today is sunny here, I hope it is for other BD's for get-outs.

Wyllow3 How nice that you got on well with that young man, and even more so that he's a Quaker, too. Great advice there for J&J.

James&Jon33 Wyllow3 understands the MH system well. I hope your GD is on the correct antidepressants/meds. Was it the Covid lockdowns that started her depression? I've been on ADs for many years, and they keep my mood stable (although, like a lot of people, I have low days occasionally. Just be there for her - ring, FaceTime, etc.- and perhaps send her a little gift to remind her that you're thinking of her.

SweetpeaSue Your husband was busy yesterday. Glad he's resting as well, though.

ScaredyCat My husband is good at DIY/repairs, but he's never busy! He used to do a manual job with a lot of heavy lifting, but since he's been retired, he's happy to sit around all day doing crosswords or looking at Facebook. You're right in saying that years ago, cats and dogs used to eat human food, and cats were always given milk. (Of course, milk is bad for them).

Doodle You're not big. I was slim before I had the boys, then went on various diets over the years and stayed at size 14/16 until I was in my 50s. I was an enormous size 24 last year, and an 18 now. I should be much less than that, but it's so monotonous and miserable to be on diets. I like my food and love eating out. Your husband was very organised in making spreadsheets to monitor his medication like that.

EllieAnne Hope your husband's results are ok.

I've been doing boring chores this morning - changed beds, done 3 lots of washing, vacuumed upstairs. Hope ALL BDers manage to have adecent day x

Spot on there to Doodle.

You've had a similar morning too me HVDY bit more on the admin side as my DocSis has a son who works in finance in London re advice on best borrowing deals and strategies for borrowing roof money in my mid 70's. And she's far more practical for me and said she will do all the looking up for me, what a relief.

Yay.

Mops brow in huge huge relief. Very nice builder came round. The leak is repairable for a 3 to 5 year period: all he has really to do is take out the chimney fill a few tiles carefully - no nothing, properly done,

and of course the cost has dropped: (mops brow) he says re plaster the room after the work, and its likely my building insurance will cover the room where the damp all came in and gave me the large mushroom.

I went to the gym and was tired, but this has given me the energy to out a wash on.
I like the mundane not the high drama...