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Moving House

(41 Posts)
diamondsgirl Wed 11-Jan-17 10:37:37

I am 71 years old. I was widowed nearly four years ago. I live in a bungalow but decided to move to gain a little pot of cash in the bank, to enable me to do some travelling whilst I am still able.
I found a lovely house, about 10 minutes walk away from my younger daughter, and a two minute walk to a lovely shopping area, with coffee shops, a supermarket and many other places to visit.
My eldest daughter (I also have a son) seems to be freaking out as I mentioned to her husband -jokingly - I was going to become a SKI, (spending the kids' inheritance), although I thought we were both aware this was a joke.
The house into which I am moving is still worth a lot of money, although less than the bungalow in which I am presently, but I would never do anything so silly as spend all my cash, and am a little upset that I mentioned it in the first place.
I am finding it so difficult living in the place where DH died, and having not been seeping well since that occurred, and feel I am ready for a new challenge and house, whilst I am still able to enjoy it.
Too late to pull out of the sale now anyway, but am concerned that I feel my children are not supporting my move despite my obvious enthusiasm to go. They cannot be waiting for me to pop my clogs and see their inheritance dwindling by this move can they? I have to admit I am feeling very disappointed at the moment not to receive more support, both emotional an physical.

pensionpat Wed 11-Jan-17 10:41:02

Perhaps your children are sad to lose that link with their father. Talk to them. And what an exciting future you have!

Jayanna9040 Wed 11-Jan-17 11:10:00

Good for you. I did the move from big house to little house five years ago and am so much happier in my new little space. I hated those empty rooms. And I've been travelling too. I expect they think you've gone mad.😀 All you need now is a lover!!!

willsmadnan Wed 11-Jan-17 12:28:05

I think you have got to think of yourself, and your wellbeing. I can empathise totally with your emotions regarding your 'old' home. Like you I found living in the house where
my partner died almost unbearable... in fact I never slept in our bedroom again and couldn't bring myself to do anything in the garden as it was always 'his' space.I'm not a gardener and always left it to him. It may be that your DDs have an emotional attachment to the family home... that's fairly natural, but you can't be expected to 'hang-on-in- there' for the sake of their memories. Nor can they expect you to provide them with a healthy inheritance.... our kids should make their own way in life, as we have done.
Put yourself first, enjoy what time you have left, and if there's a bit of money left for them, well that's a pleasant bonus. Time to be a bit selfish.

Sugarpufffairy Thu 12-Jan-17 03:44:49

I feel so sorry for the ladies above who are living in the homes where their DHs died. I live in a "family" house and I really do not like to be living here alone. I think about all the people who used to live here and I feel very alone here.
The DCs don't seem to have any understanding of how the women living without family or DH in what used to be a busy house.
My DCs have expressed their wish that I remain in the house and do not sell or rent it out but they rarely come here, they prefer that I babysit at their houses and that seems to be the only time I see them. I still get the money requests! I just feel a bit used.
I think that we should be able to do as we wish, either staying in the home or moving to another place. Our DCs probably will not alter their lives to fit round our wishes or needs, therefore we need to do whatever makes us happy.
I hope that Diamonsgirl has a good move and really happy in the new house. If the family wont help get removers to do a full packing service. I am not sure if Willsmadnan has already moved but I hope you are happier wherever you are.
I am going to try to find a new house. The DCs will have to like it or lump it.

Maudie Thu 12-Jan-17 05:05:22

Good Luck in your new home Diamondsgirl.
Have the movers do your packing as SPF suggests.You maybe able to arrange for them to do your unpacking too.
If your children don't offer practical help don't feel resentful, be independent and pay someone to help you.
Spend your money on making your house really comfortable and beautiful. e.g. new furniture, bedding, curtains, pictures whatever will give you joy.
Tell your children how you feel, that you need a fresh start and a new project to get your teeth into.
If necessary politely remind them that it's your money to spend as you wish.

Alima Thu 12-Jan-17 06:19:27

Your new home sounds ideal Diamondsgirl, hope the move goes well.
Wondering if it is the SKI bit or moving from the family home that is freaking out your daughter. Probably she is worried for you and not expressing herself well.
Now, have you decided where you will travel to first?

MarjorieStevens Thu 12-Jan-17 06:26:54

I agree Maudie take help from professional movers who can help you while your moving procedure and all other related stuffs. A professional mover will always suggest a pre-estimate visit and will never give an estimate based on facts got over the phone. He will suggest that you consider additional moving insurance if the objects being moved are too valuable or fragile. My uncle has recently moved to a new place, professional help from moving companies NYC. He was very happy with their work. Also, they prepare him with planing the entire shifting procedure and it was so organized that my uncle even didn't hesitate to give them with a good tip for their work.

J52 Thu 12-Jan-17 08:37:49

Good luck with the move. You sound like you are doing the right thing. As others have said, get the removal company to do the packing. So much easier and at little cost in the grand scheme of things.

I know several people who have moved house in later life, one to a completely different country, taking 4 dogs across Europe! None has ever expressed regret.

Enjoy spending your money. Perhaps, keeping quiet about how much spare cash you might have.

cornergran Thu 12-Jan-17 09:15:26

Good luck with your move and much happiness in your new home. your family really wont understand how difficult staying in the family home is for you. They will get used to your new home and gradually understand how much more relaxed you are there. Think carefully about what you take with you, don't over fill your new space. I totally agree, get the removal company to pack as much as possible, get them to un pack as much as is helpful. If you aren't aware of a handyman to do the inevitable things that need doing after a move we found the Estate Agent to be a mine of information with many excellent contacts. Age UK or Streetlife can also be a source of information. I'm sure your family will come round, wishing you well.

Azie09 Thu 12-Jan-17 09:31:15

There was an interesting, angry thread on GN yesterday about baby boomers and whether we/they have stolen the goodies from our children. It's horrible and unjust but our skewed housing market and unequal society, full of expectations, has led to much unhappiness. Just do it Diamondsgirl and let your daughter get on with it, though as kindly as poss of course. I know two women trapped alone and unhappy in huge family houses because of their children's opinions. I know where I think the selfishness lies. Enjoy your travelling. I also know a grandma who, with the blessing of her children, is having a wonderful time traveling the world. She is an inspiration.

Auntieflo Thu 12-Jan-17 10:01:55

Diamondsgirl, just go for it. No one can make up your mind for you, or really know what's going on in your head. I know an elderly lady, at Church, who lives way out of town, she is very lonely. She told me that she is keeping the property for her sons, one of whom is a GP. I'm sure they don't need her money, and she would be so much happier nearer to town. She is reliant on friends to take her anywhere, or taxis. I have only known her for the last 4/5 years, but as she is 90 (ish), I'm sure she won't make a move now. So sad when she could be much happier.

Angela1961 Thu 12-Jan-17 10:37:25

I'm sorry you are going through this, but I ask you this question ' If you have found this place and it completely suits your need and new start- How would you feel if you let it go and see someone else move in ? Without being harsh I really isn't very fair of certain family members to be thinking of themselves and not.your well-being. At the end of the day it's your money and your life until you pop off ! Do what's right for you. Get packing !

Everthankful Thu 12-Jan-17 10:53:39

Good for you in thinking about yourself. No one is going to be waiting for me to die just for the inheritance. Don't get me wrong, there will be a pot for my children to share but only what is left after I've enjoyed the rest of my life after raising 4 children and being at the beck and call of all and sundry for most of my life. It's my time now and the intend to spend my money as I wish, doing things that make me happy, not saving so that their lives will be easier after I'm gone. They can work and save just as myself and my husband had to do. If money comes too easy, they'll have no respect for it.

Bamm Thu 12-Jan-17 11:05:08

I think you sometimes have to be assertive with grown up children. They seem to find it hard to see you outside the role of mum in the house they knew (especially if lived there a long time ) and it holds memories for them. It may take time for them to see you as a person trying to make a fresh start in a new place. Be kind but firm and look forward.

wondergran Thu 12-Jan-17 11:13:15

Our children are at a completely different stage of their lives to us, their parents, and therefore can't fully understand the feelings and emotions that we are now experiencing, much further down life's journey. Life is totally different when you're still young and you have a partner/family around and the days are busy. I think your plans sound absolutely wonderful, I really do. I'm sure you will love being in your new home and hopefully you will have a bit of cash to travel and do things that you enjoy. It's your money to spend as you wish and, whilst you obviously want to leave an inheritance, don't not spend money on yourself because you have the right to enjoy your life and be happy.
In all honesty they probably are thinking about how much money they are likely to inherit. Perhaps that's quite natural as parents get older. Could your daughter be concerned that you are moving quite close to her and she is worried that you will be popping in every five minutes or that she will be expected to look after you as you get older?
It's a great shame that your children are not supporting you and I really hope that the situation changes once you actually move into your new house. Anyway, please try not to let it get you down too much. These are exciting times; go and enjoy it.

Jaycee5 Thu 12-Jan-17 11:14:36

Adult children sometimes think of the house they grew up in as their house because it was their home. Logically they will realise that is nonsense but it is the end of an era for them and one that they think can be avoided.
They will get used to it once you have moved.

radicalnan Thu 12-Jan-17 11:23:27

How lovely to go travelling! It is very important that you do so and the children should know that. Sod the inheritance who knows what the future holds money wise????

Do what is best for you.

tigger Thu 12-Jan-17 11:27:16

Money or the prospect of it does funny things to people. Move, enjoy, and SKI if you want to, you earned it. If your children are coping financially they should be able to manage without an inheritance.

gardenermum Thu 12-Jan-17 11:33:43

I think PPs will be right about your children not liking to lose the link with their family history. Well before my husband died we downsized to a bungalow, and met with similar lack of enthusiasm. My daughter in particular had hoped it would always stay in the family, without thinking through what that involved. After many years here I think they'd now feel the same again about this place! Enjoy your new home.

Kim19 Thu 12-Jan-17 11:34:15

Diamondsgirl, I am somewhat envious of you in that I have not yet been lucky enough to find a desirable move. However, I am doing an 'alternative' by giving the house a comeplete facelift room by room. Interestingly, (or otherwise) my children know little of this because they seldom come here. We meet at theirs or commercial outlets for meals, holidays, sleepovers etc. I am not unhappy at their ignorance because I want to be further down the road before they discover this. Carpet fitted yesterday, bed arriving at the weekend and only curtains left to choose. Five rooms done. Three to go. The hall is the most daunting so, OF COUSE, I'm leaving it 'til later'. I do all the paintwork myself (at my own speed which is pretty whimsical) and then have a local lad do wallpapering where required. I find a non pressure project really motivates me and is interesting between all the social fun activities. I hope you'll be very happy in your new abode, Diamondsgirl, and I have this warm contented feeling that you will. Soppy but true...........

Lewlew Thu 12-Jan-17 12:05:40

She might be sad about the family home being sold. I know when we sold my dad's to pay for his care-home, my brother's children were upset.

They wished we could have held onto grampy's home as they loved visiting there as it was in such a great spot by the sea. They knew if it was sold for any other reason than this care, that the money wold come to me and my brother, not them.

GrannyLondon Thu 12-Jan-17 12:28:50

Lots of things going on here. I think some adult children do like to think that their childhood home will be there forever, but that often just doesn't happen.

Is your elder daughter a bit jealous of you moving nearer your other daughter and are none of your children supporting your move?

Many people don't like living in the same house after a berevement and I think only you can make that decision. I am sure your late husband would want you to be happy.

I think you have made the right choice, good luck and enjoy your new home. Go for it! as they say.

Crazygrandma2 Thu 12-Jan-17 12:31:09

diamondsgirl Personally, I do not think that anyone has the right to inherit money. Our kids are always encouraging us to spend ours! Your new place sounds lovely and the move may well give you a new lease on life. It certainly did for us. In defence of your kids, I know how hard it was for ours - and us - when we sold the family house. We all knew that it made sense, but it was hard letting go. I wish you every success with the move and hope it brings you new found peace of mind and happiness. flowers

CardiffJaguar Thu 12-Jan-17 12:37:00

If this was a case of moving to a completely new area (as many retired people do to their cost) and well away from family and friends then one could expect some hard talk from offspring. So in this case one would expect the offspring, themselves well into middle age, to see the sense in the move and welsome it.

That they have not (as yet) suggests there are more complex matters in the background. The move has to go ahead so now is the time to stop matters deteriorating. How about arranging a lunch in a quiet pub/restaurant for you and your offspring - no partners. Some very drinkable wine and a relaxed meal ought to set the scene for frank talk and finding out just what they think is bad about the move.

Then you can tell them how much happier you are going to be and why. Maybe they have not understood that.

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