Moving House

It's true that children, whatever their age, find it hard to accept their parents as people. Perhaps we need to spell our hopes and fears out more clearly.

I have seen at very close quarters how destructive the thought of the prospect of inheriting money can be. It can create a laziness in people about providing for themselves in the long term. And then resentment when the hoped-for cash has to be spent on the parent's needs — social care being the biggest call, and a large one.

Very rich people often say they are leaving most of their wealth to charity. I think they are wise, though many say they can't understand it.

The OP faces problems many of us have. I wish her well in the solution she has found. I have done something similar and it has worked out (so far) very satisfactorily. After a life of parenting it takes courage to put our own needs first for a change. Good luck, Diamondsgirl, enjoy your new life!

Is this the family home where your children grew up? If so, then yes they will be sad it's the end of an era. But it may not have occurred to them that you are moving because you hate being in the house now you are alone and spell out exactly why. Then move now while you are able! In any case, if you stayed in a big house the time would come anyway probably that you would not be able to run a big house and may have to go into a care home which you would have to fund, so their inheritance would diminish fast! Definitely spell it out to them exactly why you need to move, give them the chance to understand. If they do, go with their blessing. If they don't, then go anyway!

Moved a few years ago to a small bungalow from enormous three bed house. Love it so much. Children do not visit but they didn't come to house so no change there. When I go small amount. of money to the grandchildren I haven't seenand the rest to various charities who have helped me to settle into the new residence. If they don't want to know me or help while I'm alive then I don't want them bothering when I'm gone. GC don't have choice thats why they will get a chunk. All sorted and at peace with myself after many many. turbulent years.

Go for it ...this is the time in your life for you ....you should enjoy the time you may have left ..life is so short ....if your children are upset about losing their 'inheritance' you can always remind them that should you need care in later life which THEY cannot afford to pay for the you would be likely to lose your house to pay for the care in any case ...so little if anything would come to them !Alsom take yourself off on a few well deserved breaks and enjoy your bit of capital ...make sure you have a paid up funeral policy (plenty of those annoying ads about !)...my dead late dad did this ...when he sold the family home after my mother died (brother and I both owned our own houses anyway, by then) he said to us both 'I have put the money into an investment bond so it is yours when I died and I have a paid up funeral policy'......both my bro and I were unanimous in saying to him ...Look, this is YOUR money ...we don't want you to go without because we would prefer you to spend it ! He bought a lovely retirement flat, furnished with all new stuff, had a few holidays and days out ....took taxis to a local lunch club, met friends in town for lunch and spent a happy retirement ...and even left a bit for both of us ! (I had asked him many year before, when he retired, if he would like to come and live with my as I had a big enough house then for him to have his own space, but he did not want to !) ......he had a whale of a time ...his neighbour said to me once 'Your father always looks so smart ....he comes home with clothing shop bags whenever he goes out (curtain twitcher !) .....so what ? When he died I found 13, no less, of clothes bags containing clothes he had worn once (couldn't be bothered washing clothes so bought new ones !) 12 coats (he told me once he went out and found it was cold in town, so bought another coat !) ...they all benefited the Salvation Army (washed first !) and charity shops .......he also collected plastic ornaments of dinosaurs (!) ...but he was HAPPY with his life and so were we !

So ...ask y our children if you did not sell the big house, how are they going to help you with the cost of running it and looking after you when you can no longer look after things as well yourself ??? and they may still have a little inheritance, although it doesn't sound like they deserve it if that is their reason ! Otherwise, tell them you will leave it to charity !

my DEAR late dad, not my DEAD late dad ! I hate these little keyboards and arthritic fingers ....

A friend of my mother stayed in the family house even though her sons had long left home and emigrated. They and their families would come home occasionally and visit her and they obviously saved on hotel bills. However they paid for any household repairs and furnishings eg when she needed a new kitchen they paid and similarly for the new bathroom etc. When she died they sold the house and split the proceeds with their sisters who lived in the UK and provided the mother with day to day help. It suited all concerned.

Diamondsgirl, I hope you have a fantastic time decorating and buying furnishings for the new house and make lots of new friends. My children really only come and see me when they want the grandchildren looking after! It so hurts when Dil say that she popped round to her mother's for coffee but can't be bothered to drop in spend time with me the other Dil is the same I'm alright to save them money though. Whilst there at work anyway I hope you go forward and don't take any notice them lots of hugs

Move and enjoy spending any spare money on travel whilst you are fit enough to do so. I am in the opposite situation as my children say they don't expect anything and would like me to release some money to spend as I wished. Unfortunately this is impossible, as on my divorce over 35 years I was given the right to stay in the property until my death, re-marriage or move, when it was to be sold and my ex receive 2/3 of the sale price. With only 1/3 due to me anything but living here for the rest of my life isn't an option. I do however manage to travel a bit and any objections the children make to this is not because I am "spending their inheritance" but because they are worried about my safety, particularly as I travel alone.

If your present house is the one the children grew up in there will be emotional attachments to that - happy memories etc. But now you have to put yourself first. You've found a nice bungalow in a nice area not far away and are not moving to Australia or travelling the world! Explain how you feel about the house now and ask for their support. Hopefully they will see the move through your eyes and give it.

Goodness Aslemma that sounds like a very draconian settlement visited upon you 35 years ago!

Have you ever sought legal advice over the years to have it reviewed?

Enjoy your new home, it will be yours, furnished & decorated to your taste. I moved 2 years ago (widowed 4 years ago), loved the house but I could not afford to stay there, 70+ miles from DD & DGS & 250 miles from DM.

I sold up & moved to be nearer DD (benefits both of us) about 10 miles away now & 300 miles from DM but similar journey in time. I bought DD a newer car from sale of my home & set about choosing my own home, new furniture & new start on my own. I had never owned a property of my own before always joint ownership.

I say enjoy the rest of your life, suspect your children are suffering a bit of loss over the "family" home

Diamondsgirl, I am assuming from what you said in your OP, that the bungalow was not the original family home, so there wouldn't be a case of them not wanting the family home sold. I wish you much happiness in your new home and on your travels. I am sure you will love all the planning and furnishing it just to your taste. Dont let you DC put a damper on it all. They are likely to live their lives with too much consideration for you.

My ex husband died over 5 years ago just short of his 66th birthday. My 4 children with him were left a very substantial amount of money. But they all said they would far rather have him still alive than the money and that they wished he had spent far more on himself when he was alive. So their advice for me is to enjoy my life as there are no pockets in shrouds.

Sorry but I would say the children are being selfish if they only have eyes on what they will inherit. What makes them think they are entitled to inherit anything? A lot of children have this attitude these days, I have heard this before. I say if you are looking forward to the move then it is the right thing for you to do. You are not happy where you are, you are not moving to another country. Enjoy what time you have left and don't worry what they say. You are entitled to enjoy life just as they are. No doubt you have helped them in the past and will leave them something after you are gone. What that might be they will just have to wait and see. Why do people assume things? You might want to leave the lot to the local cat's home or something.

I have provided for mine by leaving an equal share of the house to each one. Anything else will be a bonus and they will just have to wait. I also opened a savings account for each grandchild so they will have something too. However, they will just have to wait until I am ready to go up those pearly steps....and that is not yet.

Diamondsgirl, it's your life and you've given a substantial part of it to bringing up your DC to be responsible and independent adults. I downsized 16 years ago and, despite a few health issues have been happy here. I have enjoyed good holidays and every so often I travel south to see my 2 sons and families, both quite a distance from me. They have told me that if I've got it, I should spend it! Neither is specially bothered about inheriting from me or from my ex. Good luck in your new home and live every moment - your DC will get used to it.

Are there things you will not be taking with you that your children may like to have as they hold good memories?

Go ahead and lead your new life.

71 and alive - you must do what will make you happier - move to your new home, decorate it to suit you, make new friends, in time maybe even a special companion, and live your life. Travelling may offer you some exciting adventures and new experiences, and then having a new home to come back to would be wonderful. You will always have your memories and now you can go make some new ones. So many people get stuck because they are afraid of change, or worried about what others might think, but you sound like you are ready to face new challenges and this fresh start might be just right for you. I wish you well, hope you settle in quickly, get to visit some wonderful places, see things you've always wanted to, and enjoy it all. It is your life and you have every right to be happy in it - best wishes