after the stress

Craftyone I went through similar to you, in 2011 we downsized dramatically & moved to a new area, 2013 DH died leaving me a widow at 57, 2015 I moved again, downsized further. Fast forward 4 years & I'm settled, nearer DD & DGSs, made lots of friends. I still have my garden to potter about in which still isn't how I want it is a garden ever completed . house needs decorating it had just been done before I moved in .

I have days when I think I don't want to do anything but I will go & tidy a drawer or cupboard, take each day as it comes, if I fancy a lazy day that's what I'll have, never feel guilty after all it'll all be there tomorrow

Be kind to yourself

You sound a very strong person craftyone and have a lot of inner ability and strength to do this. Grief takes it out of us. I think raised cortisol has a bad effect on us. I’ve been like it three years now due to bereavement and empty nest. The fight or flight isn’t supposed to be there all the time since having that have you noticed aches and pains which weren’t there before? It will take time to get used to your new home too. I cope by having counselling as it’s someone to chat to. The raised cortisol I won’t go into all the health things it’s caused as it’s a bit negative and I think you need positive vibes

Well done you, getting to where you are today. Be kind to yourself, do what you feel like doing and leave things not very necessary for another day. Most of all take care of yourself.

Break tasks down to manage them easier. Do things in stages. Set yourself realistic timescales to achieve things. Most important of all give yourself relaxing breaks. Mine is a cup of coffee and classical music. Go for a facial. Have your nails done. Read for pleasure. Go to library and get some books to listen to - I often do that if jobs are mundane and don't need full attention. I listen to the story and iron - amazing how that pile of creased bedding disappears!

First of all give yourself credit my love for getting through such truly difficult times.

Yes I can emphasise and sympathise. Life hasn't been kind to me either, and after a very bad breakdown I was diagnosed with Chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia. These are very debilitating leaving me in pain and totally exhausted.

Now is the time to look after yourself. No rush...just potter and if you feel tired get your feet up. x

Craftyone

We are finally in the process of moving to another county very close to family - which is the only reason for the move. We are both in our late seventies - & it isn’t easy by any means. The stress has been tremendous, especially on my husband who suffers from severe depression, so I can truly sympathise, & we have each other. So to go through it on your own must be simply awful - you are so brave - but please now look after yourself & be kind to yourself.
We are now having to go through all the awful paperwork, so we are partway there! We are going to have the removal company pack up most things, but even then there is so much to sort out .

We are not moving until September, so we are trying to do something every day towards it. Bite size chunks!

I wish everyone moving or even thinking about it, the best of luck, & don’t leave it too late, like we have I think!

wish i could get my DH to read some of these post about moving.I dread that i will be left to clear out our home sheds and greenhouse by myself. He wont hear of downsizing at all!!! I really struggle to keep the place as i would like it and the garden well much as i love it, this time of year it is a full time job. He cant do much as he has COPD and gets so out of breath.But i also have a problem, my back it kills me some days!!! Men who would have em!!!

May I suggest you prepare yourself for the anticlimax? You have had a lot to deal with and been very busy and organised. Perhaps the way you are feeling now is a result of you not having a big project to do.

When life throws you a curve ball - or a even worse, a bucketful of stress - the hardest thing to do is to turn inward for a little time and listen to your body. I believe it’s a learned skill, but best learned when life is on a relatively even keel. I think you are on the right track Craftyone because you stopped and listened - and responded accordingly. So little by little and over time you are helping your body heal from the constant pounding of ongoing stress.

I learned how to listen to what my body needs some years back (just from yoga classes and a very intuitive instructor) and gradually recognized what a valuable tool it is as I’ve aged as silly things can start me stressing, then my body tenses up, and my mind starts the ‘what if’ journey of doubt or sadness. So, when the going gets tough, just by taking a little time to listen and respond like you are doing Craftyone is a valuable thing to do for yourself..... it’s self care!

craftyone. Well Done!!

You are amazing! Sit back and congratulate yourself! Wow! What a lot you have achieved!

You have coped with trauma that most people never know about, you have managed the sale and move from the family home on your own! after sorting out and getting rid of nearly 50 years of collected things - on your own!

You are amazing! What you have achieved is simply incredible! I truly wish I too could do the sorting out of accumulated items and downsize myself to be near the shops.

I can identify with the sudden death of your husband and the policeman at the door. Not the helicopter. That must have been terrifying. Believe me, I do know how hard it is to sell up and move after the death of your husband. But I was only just in my 40s so fairly energetic.

I think you are listening to your body well enough. I would rest whenever you feel like it and not be too bothered about a bit of dust if you are tired. After a while - and it might be even after a year - you will find your energy is returning and you are not getting so tired. But please just enjoy your life as best as you can. I realise that may sound callous after the terrible loss of your husband, so I am very sorry. But having been there myself, I do know there is no alternative. After a time you will be able to do things that you enjoy, little things, have a coffee while out shopping... Don't push yourself. Just let each day unfold and make sure you do something pleasant for yourself each day. You are on the brink of starting a new exciting chapter of your life.......

You really have achieved a miraculous amount! Please give yourself a Reward! Take yourself out to dinner! Or buy some special easy to prepare food for yourself. But celebrate how brilliant you are!!

With lots of love, Elle x ⭐️???

Yorkshiregirl. Just sending you loving support and understanding. I have fibromyalgia and was told before that I had ME. I used to almost pass-out and just lie there hardly able to speak or breathe. I remember someone phoning me and I think they thought I was drunk. Anyway, after years of it I have learned that the only way is to put yourself first. Go at your pace. Do only what you can do. And love yourself. I found this hard, but there are books and videos which are helpful about this.
I do hope you are getting more good days and that you are not feeling "down". Bless you! Take care of yourself. With love, Elle

My Dad died 4 years ago and my Mum died 2 years ago, the stress of clearing their home was awfull. Last November my Niece died at the age of 30 leaving 3 very young children, she left letters to her husband listing the children's needs on a daily basis. I felt so stressed as I lived a long way away and could not help. Another blow took place 4 weeks ago when the children's Daddy died age 31 of a blood clot on the brain. I went to his funeral last week. I feel more sad than ever. I can send money but am unable to give anytime to them.

Thank you all, for your kind words and beautiful empathetic posts.

My visitors were gorgeous, they listen and are attentive and I talked, too much again but I knew I was off loading and they knew that they were helping. I am putting things in perspective now, not rushing around trying to find homes for things. I do have to complete the digging because very soon the builder will come to lay me a lovely patio, one for my old age. The bit I have left is relatively easy for me and I will wait for the soil to dry first. Once that is done, then I will add humus to the remainder of the garden and finish covering with weed fabric. That will be all until next year and for the rest of the year I will just enjoy the roses I planted at the front

I walked into the shops twice today, am so happy that I can do that now, a bit of exercise combined with less storing in the future. The prize after the removing stress

U3A beckons to me and so does cycling to a farm shop with cafe, a meal there, my treat to myself as recommended

We all keep learning on this road through life, either bend with what life throws at us or break. If we bend then we get stronger. For those with OHs who will not de-clutter, you don`t need two, clutter on a one-sided basis, your own stuff and if OH asks why, just say that you want to leave it easier for him if you die first. Love is all about caring for the other person. Then stand back and leave the OH to let it sink in and I can guess that at least a few OHs will quietly start to realise that de-cluttering towards old age is about showing love

Barleysugar. I remember you mentioning your big move on another thread and I was in admiration of you then. I do hope the paperwork is going through smoothly so that you can settle into your new home and start to relax! It's hard to relax until everything has been completed and the move achieved. When you do arrive, I would not even rush to unpack - unless you love to do this. I say do not rush to do it because you will be feeling so tired, not just from the physical exhaustion but the mental pressure is so exhausting too. I once moved during important exams. I told the children we would mark the boxes to be unpacked (plates and utensils needed for eating etc. boxes for their rooms) and the rest (books, odds and ends...) would just wait until my exams finished. These boxes stayed in the main living room with tea towels over them looking like tables for about a month. I did wonder whether to unpack them at all....
But I do hope all is going well for you. Moving is such a muddling process! But eventually it will happen! It sounds as if things are progressing in the right direction for you. I would try not to worry. The removal men can always come the day before and pack anything you have not been able to go through. I just labeled these things according to where they had been stored (they were mostly my late husband's papers) so i'd put on the box "from cup'd above bed bedroom 1" or "from on shelf inside garage". I had to write "from" or the removal men tried to take them to the place it said in the new house.
At the moment I have no shredder - they break so quickly! I am trying to get rid of a lot of paper. I wish I could just burn it!
I am sure you will be fine, do allow others to do the work! It's what they are for. I do hope your husband's depression can be helped. Maybe when you move a change of doctor might help - a new look at him... I was given some different help when I last moved. I get depression too.

Thinking of you (still loving your name!) and sending lots of love, Elle x

Oh MooM00! I can't take in how many people have died who are so near to you! Some so young and leaving young children too! I had a patch when a lot of people I loved died very close to each other. Although it is over 20 years ago, I really can remember how unbearably upset I was. I felt strange - kind of unreal - as if it could not be true. I really wanted to send you lots of love and say that just by sending your love and whatever you can, little presents, gifts of money, you will be helping the bereaved families because it's knowing that people care that holds you up at this time. I will never forget when my husband died. The little things people sent us showing they were thinking of us made all the difference to the children and me. It wasn't the actual things but the fact that these people were aware of our shock and distress and were sending their love.

Sending you lots of love at this very sad time. I think the bereaved people will be very comforted to have your loving and thoughtful help. Take care of yourself, Love from Elle x

Like you Craftyone, I have always used keeping busy as my way of dealing with the things that go wrong in life.

Now that I am 67 I find it doesn't work as well. It's often just too tiring. It helps to have a day off in the sense of a day where it is all right to do nothing all day. Other days, I settle for doing one of the things that were on my list. When that's done, if I feel like it, I do something else, if not, I don't.

Enjoy your new home and enjoy the process of making it yours.

Craftyone
^all that bad cortisol*
It's all stored in your muscles when your stressed. Get yourself off to a good masseuse, you'll feel wonderful.

Sorry folks for being flippant but if I 'listened to my body' it would say 'sit on the sofa and eat chocolate'

Welcome to your new home Craftyone, I hope you have many happy years to come where you can make it your own safe haven.
Its sounds as though you're pretty organised and very aware of your own needs and I'm going to try kalms as suggested.

Rome wasn't built in a day as the saying goes. Be proud of yourself for all you've achieved so far. Give yourself permission to have rest days and do a little more when you have the energy. I guess we all feel drained at times, I know I do and have learned that it's ok to have a 'can't be arsed day', or two. Sometimes the brain says yes we can, but the body says no as we get older.
I recommend Kalms too. You can also buy Kalms night time which are good. I take just two about half an hour before bed time, although some nights I go to bed chewing thing over and over which doesn't help. and love to all who are finding life hard to cope with.

I wish you peace and tranquility in your new life. Well done for all you have achieved. You need to rest when your body tells you. Remember dust and cluster will just reappear so relax and like others have said,take baby steps. Best wishes

What a good idea Nonnie

Glad you are Rd ones and now coming through the stresses of losing loved ones and moving house. Have had the same to cope with since losing my DH very suddenly 10 and a half years ago. I had to sell the family home of 34 years and ,,by the time I had sorted out all the debts and remaining mortgage I was not left with enough to buy a property for myself. I did not know at the time about all the debts-a result of my DH being made redundant from a very well known bank ,after 27 years there. As a result I am only able to rent , so have no security for my future I also lost my younger daughter to suicide 16 months after losing my DH.
She left two daughters,then aged 4 and 2. They are now 14 and 11 and in a happy family with their Dad and a lovely Stepmum.,thank goodness. They live 300 miles from me so don’t get to see them very often at all.
The stress remains and I’m sure it had an effect on my health,leading to a major operation last hear.
Thankfully now much better and keeping as busy as I can. U3A is a real lifesaver! I had friends, but have made several more through U3A and can’t rate it highly enough.
Do hope you have settled in well by now and made some new contacts after all the stress.

Rd ones? should read moving on!

oh trendygran, hugs

My mojo came back this afternoon, made some bread rolls and the sun appeared and I had this yearning to be outdoors, so got an hours work done in the garden. Only about 4 hours work left and the whole garden will be covered for the rest of the year and the slow worms will be in heaven. The patio base will be dug and I can sit back

I am enjoying my living room today, the stair carpet was put on the stairs yesterday, it has been in the living room since I moved in. I transplanted a rug and moved a large comfy sofa away from under a window, a little further into the room. Suddenly it is as though feng shui is having a powerful effect

I have treated myself to a new plant, a philodendron, perfect east facing and I have washed a zinc base to hold lots of clear small marbles, to create humidity for the plant.

Oh yes, I know what got my mojo back. 60s music on a cd and I ended up dancing around the room.