Help calm me, house buying and selling stress part 2

I was 21 when my dad died, I was the oldest with 6 younger siblings, down to 7. I was a rock to my mum and so were my younger siblings. My mums car needed fixing when I was 23 and married, my brother was 15, he dug a pit and mended her car. (He now appears on tv from time to time and in court as expert witness, to do with cars and accidents, he knew what he was doing at 15}

My mum moved with all 7 of us because the house was compulsory purchased for slum clearance in Liverpool. We all helped, down to the youngest and all 8 of us lived in a 3 bed semi until one by one we got married. We each did our own weddings, I made my dress and 4 bridesmaids dresses and the whole buffet. What I am saying is that many of us had no need to be cocooned because there was no choice, we rolled sleeves up and helped, it was our duty as well as for love and we each of us became givers rather than takers

Craftyone my wedding dress was home made and we did the catering. Hired the church hall of the church we married in. Buffet style wedding meal and evening. From when we were engaged my parents started to buy spirits when they were cheap. Which wasn't very offend as they didn't have well paid jobs. My husband and I paid for everything. We got married on the cheap but everyone had a fantastic time. Both my children refused my help couldn't have given them much but as they both said they had a budget for their weddings . Both were fantastic days. Like my mom I have been a giver not a taker
Your family sounds wonderful Craftyone.

whiff, those days made us who we are now, independent caring spirits. Nothing much phases us, we roll our sleeves up and get on with it, its a good lesson to learn

I have cabin fever after all that rain, am dressed ready to visit a NT property this morning. Its within cycling distance in the future but I will need to make sure that the roads are safe enough first. I am going to have a light lunch there. So frustrating not being outside every day but common sense prevails

Interesting what people are writing on here (it has 'morphed' a little, about wedding)s. When my boy friend and I told my parents we were getting engaged (we were both just 20 yrs old), and, obviously, back then, both living with in parental homes. My fiancee's mother was a widow, we all lived in Council flats in Hackney. We said we did not want a big wedding, but would be grateful for any help that could be given to help us get a deposit for a house. My Dad agreed (I knew my English Jewish parents had saved for most of my life towards my wedding).
My lovely Mum also agreed, but looked so unhappy as she told me that she had dreamed all my life of me walking down the aisle!!!
So, we gave in and had the wedding my Mum wanted......My Dad would not let my future MiL financially help in any way as he knew she had a very limited income.
As my children were born, their weddings never crossed out minds - we used to say, laughingly, that we hoped they would elope!!!
Four of my children have since married - all to long-term partners - all have had pretty big weddings, all have aranged and paid for that themselves. The last one was to celebrate she and her partner's 20th anniversary together.
They had waited as she always wanted the big, white wedding, and for many years they could not afford that. When they could, they went ahead, with their daughter as chief bridesmaid.
My hubbie became ill with MS when the children were quite young. Unfortunately, as this got worse, he under-went a change in character and became extremely bullying and, at times, even violent. He finally stormed out of the house and the family and left me in pretty dire circumstances.
We survived - all my children went through University, obtaining good, useful degrees. All now have their own homes, and good careers. I am extremely close to them all.
I know they worry about me, the reversal of care does take place, - when they worry more about me than I do about them - and are all happy that I am settled in a flat. What is important that they see their siblings as good friends.
My father was estranged from his only brother virtually all his life, although did keep in touch with his two sisters (one of them his twin). My much older brother had chips on his shoulders the size of stonehenge - and took it out on my parents. Just before she died my Mum asked my Dad to try to keep up a relationship with him. He did try - until two months later my brother (true to form), stole some money from him (Dad was going on for 80 then), and disappeared for the next eleven years. By the time he re-appeared Dad was also dead, but I am still glad I had those last couple of year with him.
I write this to say to Mw - that perhaps the time has come for her to try to make contact with her brother and family - and see if, step by slow step, some sort of relationship can be built. Be good for them, her and - of course, for her own son and daughter. Are their cousins for them whom they do not know?
2020 is a new year - and a time for really good resolutions to be made - and hopefully, good new beginnings. Your year, Mw - do not rush into any old rental property - wherever you go it will need to be your home for a good few months. Pick somewhere you can afford, you like and is really suitable.

How nice to read of all your marriage experiences, I think some of you know my husband was married before. We did try to marry in his church in Manchester, where he'd been in the Church Army, but the vicar refused us. I was at the dentist afterwards and found a 'Best' magazine in the reading pile, which was highlighting weddings in paradise. It showed people marrying in the Seychelles - and that's what we did. I remember we got a Thomas Cook card to pay for it, and I got a weekend job in an Estate Agents in Chiswick to save for it, as well as teaching shorthand at evening class at Kingston college. We met some fantastic people and kept in touch with some of them for years - I'm still in touch with our best man and his wife. Unfortunately due to the humidity the lurex stripe in my wedding dress completely crinkled, but we had a ball. I nearly drowned too, drank far too much and thought I could swim at the end of the night Monsoon came early though - one poor girl had to be married inside the hotel as it was so torrential, her Mum had hand sewn 1000 diamante studs on her dress. We didn't have any family with us there and my Mum threw a surprise party for us when we got back, my husband's family came down. That was stressful, she hadn't managed to organise the bedding properly, we had a tablecloth!

Thanks for all your good advice, it is so nice of you to spend time helping me I'm just going to distance myself from all this for a few days, the situation with my aunt has shown me I need to make sure everything is up to date for my kids. She's given me her mobile phone number incorrectly so it's not recognised, her POA friend doesn't have her best friend's phone number and didn't think to ask for it when she visited my aunt last night. When she comes out of hospital I need to make sure I have current contact details for everyone and anyone. I do have her 'wishes' in my filing cabinet if the worst ever happens. And Franbern I will try and make contact with my brother and his family, even if it is frosty. I'm sad to say I haven't had a Christmas card from my Dad, I don't know if he's not bothered this year because it's 70p.

Hi MW. Have followed your story, and indeed this thread from the beginning, and it’s heartwarming to see the lovely, caring friendships that have evolved.

I too am a great believer in fate, and yes, many people mock, but I too have experienced disappointment, to discover something infinitely better and more suited to me over the horizon. And like Crafty one I believe your darling late DH IS watching over you.

So interesting to read others experience of real austerity in the 60s and 70s, evoked so many memories for me. Like our very wise friend Crafty, it proves that we developed into caring, giving, independent adults.

I so agree that your daughter should step up MW. We did at her age. By trying to protect our AC we do them a disservice in the long run.

So I shall continue to follow your journey, quietly cheering you on, until you find your next, perfect, forever home. It IS out there, just not quite ready for you. But you WILL find it, and your virtual friends on this life affirming thread will walk the difficult path with you

That is lovely dottyg, all bound by that universal silken thread, soul sisters

Just thinking over breakfast how much I love living here. The thing I love in my home I have a large box in my living room filled with toys for my grandsons and a box in my shower room with changing mat, nappies and wipes in it. Bliss. I am no longer an absent nannie.

Must get on my brother and sister in law are coming today. Haven't seen them since September but we talk everyday.

Have a good day everyone.

Must admit that I am delighted that I am beyond the time of those boxes for young g.children. With the youngest now coming close to double figures, all I still have is one cupboard with lots of board games. When they visit these days they usually bring with them some sort of electronic gizmo to keep themselves amused.
As my own children are pretty scattered (thankfully = all in England now), wherever I am I can only be near some of them. In Weston I am close to four - age range 19 yrs down to nearly 10 yrs old). I will be going to London after Christmas and over the following three days will see my other four..
As my own children (and many foster children) grew up, I remember the relief then of getting my home back to myself -neat and tidy, and am experiencing that feeling again. The flat is JUST FOR ME. Love the fact that it is all so very neat and when I go out, or put something down, it will be in that place until I get back or move it myself. Even feel slightly OCD in some ways, but loving it. Not even having to keep those colourful Ikea plastic cups and plates any more
Talking of Ikea, I had decided - after a great deal of research and thought - that I wanted an Ikea unit in my hallway to take books, etc. In London I was ten minutes drive from my local Ikea and one downside of Weston is that the nearest Ikea is the other side of Bristol.
Had planned to go there in the New Year, but suddenly thought that as I know exactly what I want and want it delivered and assembled, can probably do it on-line. Yes, I can - all ordered and due to be delivered the Friday after New year and to be assembled the following day. Saves me a trip.
Wonder how we can attract other people in the process of selling/buying to this thread. Their stories could be told the same way that those of us 'old-timers' on her told ours.
It was a great help to me to share my story and to realise that my problems were so similar to other people AND to pick up so many hints and helpful advice on here from shared experiences.
For those of us who have made that move successfully, my very best wishes for a wonderful Festive Season in their new homes - for those still in that horrible process (thinking particularly of Mosaicwarts), every good wish for a good Christmas and hopefully, lots of luck in 2020.

Its been lovely to read your stories.
Thanks everyone. Your advice is invaluable.
You are so right to say that the tests we are put through, make us stronger.
DD is going through the mill at present. We are trying to help but sometimes you can't, can you.
No amount of money can solve her immediate problems even if we had it to give.
We will spend Christmas with her and that will be a comfort.

Just wanted to share my happy news with you and to encourage you to make the first move to get to know your neighbours

I've met a few of my new neighbours, just to say hello and wave to when getting in and out of the car. I've received a few Christmas cards from some of them, mainly just "From X and X at 47" etc. So yesterday, I wrote out some Christmas cards to send back but, on the front of each, I stuck a post it note on, saying that I knew it was short notice, but if they're weren't doing anything for an hour at half 5, it would be lovely if they could pop into my house for a Christmas drink and to say hello. By 5 o'clock, I was regretting my impulse and was certain that no one would come. Wrong! By 6 o'clock, everyone I'd invited had arrived, plus a couple from a nearby street who were friends of my neighbours but thought I'd like to meet them too; all bearing bottles of wine, chocolates and small house warming gifts. The party ended at just before midnight last night and it was wonderful! Some of my neighbours have lived here 30+ years but hadn't really spoken much to others and so it was a "getting to know you" for a quite a few of us. The same question was repeated over and over; "Why haven't we done this before! It's so lovely to meet you!" The "are you free for an hour" became 7 hours of laughter, getting to know each other and sharing drinks and food.

From being new here and knowing no one, I've now got a couple of invitations to drinks at neighbours houses over Christmas, an offer from another neighbour to sort out why my shed door won't shut properly, discovered the existence of activity and social clubs I didn't know existed and been asked to put a neighbours bins out when they go away on holiday in the New Year! More importantly, I've learnt a lesson: most of us are sat at home, curtains shut, tv on, barely knowing who we live alongside. But if you're a little bit brave and I'm terrible in social situations normally, people do want to welcome you to their neighbourhood and grab the chance to get to know you when offered.

Apologies for the long post but for those of us who are about to move/thinking of moving or have already made the move: be brave, take a chance; people really do want to get to know you and welcome you.

I'm off to clear up now!

grammaretto, just being there for dd, your presence will be the comfort we never stop caring about our AC

Franbern what you said `JUST FOR ME` I think that started to penetrate my brain this morning might be the coming new year or solstice influence. My car is full, again, much stuff from the garage. If it hasn`t been claimed by now then it won`t be and it has to go. I had a quick breakfast and started at 7 in my dressing gown, something was going through my brain last night and I think it was the getting older factor. I cannot be doing this in a few years. Wish I had not brought the stuff but so be it.

cross posted chewbacca,

that is such a lovely thing to do and very encouraging to the shy amongst us. You are still buzzing and sound so happy chewbacca

I too wish other people would join us here, please don`t just lurk if you have any thought of moving now or in the future do join us. The process has changed beyond belief and we can provide much support, or just a shoulder and a hug

Thanks craftyone, you're right, I am buzzing this morning! Finally, after 6 awful, worrying, months of endless expensive problems and dramas in this house, it feels like home this morning!

Oh Chewbacca what a heartwarming post! Well done you.

I don’t think you regular posters know how useful and informative this thread has been to us lurkers. I’ve learned so much, mostly how honest, honourable and moral we gransnetters are and how unscrupulous some of the sellers out there are.

Not quite ready to downsize yet, still working and this big old house comes in useful when AC and grandchildren come to stay, but the time will come and when it does, let me tell you, ladies, I will be STRAIGHT on gransnet, rallying the troops. Experience has shown me that you will all virtually hold my hand and guide me through the whole horrible experience. That’s unless of course I decide the stress will likely send me to an early grave and stop where I am lol

Then I reread a post like yours chewbacca and realise, what we’ve always known, us wise ladies of a certain age, that we seldom choose the easy path, we were brought up differently, and we forge ahead and reap the benefits of our efforts. The wonderful internet and this site means that we can inspire others to do the same. GO TEAM GN!!

You and me both Dottyg when the time comes that is. Now I'm trying to see whether another family can squeeze in here for a while...

Your story Chewbacca is wonderful. You are so brave and it paid off.

About 30 years ago, a family from NZ moved into a nearby house for a year. Around Christmas they did what you did and we all partied until late. We met neighbours for the first time and the NZ couple were surprised that it took them to break the ice.
Sorry to say, we haven't kept it up but we have kept up the NZ link and their DC have been over to stay.

We seem to have lost the art of neighbourliness (is that even a word?). Houses on both sides of ours are rented and have had many tenants in the 20 years I have lived here. We always chat to the neighbours, particularly in summer in the garden, know their names, keep an eye on their houses when they go on holiday, and yet without exception they have moved out without a word!! I find it a bit strange, but perhaps that’s the way these days. Shame though

Hi All,

Just thought I'd pop back in here and see how everyone is going. Seems many of you are now settled in your new homes while others are still working through the process.

MW how disappointing that you have had yet another buyer pull out of buying your house. Fingers crossed all the stars will align for you soon and you too will be able to post about your new home. I don't think it is fair of your daughter to ask you not to discuss negative things about your situation with her. You should not have to manage these things by yourself. I understand she does not particularly want you to sell but she cannot expect you to continue to manage such a large property which is obviously a money trap.

Craftyone, Whiff and Franburn, you sound so happy with your new homes, I'm sure that also has a positive effect on your overall health.

My recovery from the hip replacement is still being hampered by other issues. Firstly the infection which at long last seems to be on the way to getting better albeit slowly and secondly by one of my knees causing me much grief. If I could just get a few weeks without these I think I would be pretty much back to normal!

Our house hunting is not going well. We have looked at about 6 or 7 properties but they just have not been the right one. Basically the houses on the right size block are huge or the right size houses are on blocks so small one could not swing a cat. It is very frustrating. The market will be very quiet here now until at least mid Jan in not later, however, we have been in contact with several agents who are now on the look out for us. Soon, if we have not found "the house" we will need to look at finding a rental property for the short term.

We have had a couple of days of high temperatures - 40 & 44C and no doubt there will be more of these in the next few months. Not looking forward to them but it is what we get here. Fortunately the horrendous fires being experienced in parts of the country are well away from us.

Had a lovely day today with my DS2 DIL and 2x GS who came to wish me a happy birthday it's one of those with a zero on the end! and we also got to see Santa (courtesy of the local fire brigade) together.

Very best wishes for a Merry Christmas and a wonderful and safe 2020 to all.

Sue, lovely to see you again, I have been wondering how you are getting on. Two of my sisters are in WA, about 4 hours apart and one is having 41 degrees and the other 26. Its such a massive country. I wouldn`t be surprised if your knee pain is because the knee is compensating for a bit of mis-alignment. I assume you are having physio and I hope you get back to fit and well soon

Time for a break, I am on a sorting/tidying roll again. My aim is to re-locate all my kilner storage jars next. I am not going to stop bottling my excess fruits. What I did do wrong was to get too much fuel in for my multi-fuel fire. I haven`t had gas for a very long time, solid fuel for the last 10 years and my mind was stuck in `get the fuel in for winter` mode. I need to let go and enjoy the clean efficient gas with just cosy back up and minimum fuel stored. Its the mind set, like having enough food in store for an army

Evening all, such interesting reading!

Thank you very much for your kind words, I am very tearful at the moment, it is our fourth christmas without my husband and it is nice to think he may be looking down to help us on this journey. I also met a lovely friend dog walking and she said she'd pray for me - I'm not a believer, but thought it was a very kind gesture My husband's brother is a vicar - his christmas card arrived yesterday without any photos of my husband as a child, just a big one of his adopted son! Still no card from my Dad, I think my SIL may have offered to post it and probably opened it to make sure it didn't contain a cheque ;)

I had wondered about you SueH49 , very glad you popped in. Cried my eyes out about the koalas, they just can't move fast enough to escape it can they. Glad to see someone on Facebook managed to scoop up about ten out of danger - nearly said bears, I know they aren't bears, but can't think of the word for their genus right now. Fingers crossed the perfect house pops up on the web for you in 2020!

I'm finally ready for Christmas, I think, I bought my dog's xmas toy today, once that is wrapped that's it. I gave my last tenner to my neighbour's daughter - she has a council house and the water bank burst bringing the bedroom ceiling down onto her bed. Council and insurance company are both denying responsibility, it's scandalous.

I was in Homebase buying rock salt for the steps, and saw the previous owner of the house, whom we became friends with. Sadly he was only moving because his wife had cancer, such a lovely woman, they absolutely loved the house. I always say hello to her stone at the cemetery when I visit my husband's grave, she was just 52 when she passed. I told him I had a developer interested, and like me he was so disappointed I hadn't attracted a family that would love to be its new caretakers I felt his disappointment and felt obliged to explain that I'd had 31 viewings, 5 second viewings, and all feedback was either 'too much work' or 'too big a project' and this was the only person to have a survey. I also said I don't want to live here alone - and don't have the money for the urgent maintenance or the bills. It does make me feel bad that this buyer is going to gut the house and drag it into the 21st century, I was very surprised the surveyor recommended renewing all of the internal doors, they are original. Don't shut properly and the locks no longer function, but that's part of the charm! Good luck to him renewing them, they are wider than usual, he'll have to have them all made.

I've just phoned the hospital - my aunt was discharged this afternoon. Her POA friend that was visiting didn't let me know, so I rang my aunt at home and we had a good chat and have agreed to put an 'emergency plan' of people to contact into place if anything else ever happens to her. She did have her mobile phone in the hospital but had forgotten to charge it. Unfortunately due to her inactivity she has oedema in her legs, but they've sent her home in stockings. She didn't have sepsis, luckily just pneumonia in one corner of her lung, and they treated her with pencillin. So glad she's home and recovering, she's the only person I can discuss my late Mum with.

Have a good evening all, microwave has pinged, pasta and veg for tea tonight.

Life just marches on doesn`t it? No matter what happens in individual lives. I am so sad about that young person, puts things into context and I am very glad that your aunt is out and at home

Have a rest if you can mosaics, you must be mentally and physically exhausted. , Everyone in my life says to have a nice christmas but in honesty I just want to get through it and come out the other side

I am just watching the storm prog on more 4 and they have just shown the somerset levels. I met soneone last week whose house was flooded, it took 2 years to put right and she sold, she had to get out of there, lost 50% so she had to buy a property to renovate, luckily her husband is capable but finances are slow

That must have been a sad reminder, mosaics, meeting the past owner of your house. I hadn't realised you had had so many viewings and no takers.

Definitely time to leave.

I was fond of our old house and sad to leave it, especially as the new owners were very different from us. Where we had stripped back the wood, they painted everything white. Where we had a pretty cottage garden - they laid concrete slabs...
However, once we had moved I had few regrets and hardly ever thought about the house.. I went past it recently and our lovely tree has been felled but hey, it's not our house anymore or our responsibility.

Now we are considering selling the place we are in now, and like you, I would want to see a family growing up in it, like ours did, but in my heart I know it isn't practical as a family home anymore and it would likely be bought by a developer (cheap as they can) to convert into flats.

Craftyone I understand where you are coming from wanting to get Christmas over and done with this year as I feel exactly the same. DGD 5 now has a stomach bug and is not eating either. DD was up and down with her most of the night which kept us awake too. DS is arriving tomorrow and I'm praying we all don't catch it. Everything we are trying to sort out here has come to a standstill as bedrooms have beds in amongst still unpacked boxes. DH has made a start on the fitted wardrobes but can do no more until family leave after Xmas.
Puppies are doing well though. Gave them their first taste of food today and 6 out of 7 were very keen. DD helped which was nice. Must think about advertising them after Xmas. Have registered them with the Kennel Club and need to book in for microchip and vaccinations next. Quite worried though about people coming round to see them as you never know if they are genuine, or looking to steal them. A local person had her whole litter stolen and had to pay 2k to get them back as a "reward"
Sorry to read you are feeling sad mosaic. I always really miss my mum at Christmas as she was always making Christmas cakes for my sister's and me. Haven't bought a Christmas cake since she passed.
All the best to everyone xxx

Happy, cheery, ordered chaos sazzl, made me smile

New year coming and I am going to set some easy targets: I want to get out amongst trees and nature again, best way for me is via NT and arboretums. I need to lose some weight, follow whiffs example but just 2 stone. More cycling and use my rebounder which I set up yesterday. I need to empty a sideboard in the garage, full (I kid you not) of food and christmas treats, to be replaced by bottling and jamming equipment. U3A in spring, garden club, maybe learn a new weaving craft via a course. One main thing is to explore further afield ie by car to the seaside. Not very big steps but like prising open a tight lid