GRANNY ANNEX

Grammaretto in reality the is situation is far worse than what I put in my post, I didn't try to talk her out of it but I did talk to her about pros & cons of such a move & my husband talked to her husband about it, we have been friends for over 30 years, her husband has always wanted to live in the country & I think she felt she couldn't deny him this chance. They have a small sitting room & a bedroom with on suite so no room for mini kitchens, he is happy to help out with odd jobs & gardening but as he is 73 not to the extent that he is expected to do. All in all a nightmare situation

That is a horror story, jennyvg.
Did you not advise her against it!
Maybe it isn't as bad as all that and your friend lets off steam with you. I'm sure my DM used to tell her friends how awful I was.
Why would she put herself in that rural position and not be able to escape. Sharing a kitchen is a no no. You can buy mini kitchens and turn a room into a bedsit. Might that be a possibility? Perhaps DH enjoys doing the garden and being useful.
Any big change like this is bound to put relationships into the spotlight but it is certainly food for thought.

Think very carefully about it, a friend of mine & her husband sold their home & gifted the money from it to their daughter & son in law, I large house with granny annex was purchased out in the middle of nowhere, my friend doesn't drive, her husband is expected to be unpaid gardener, handy man, my friend does housework and ironing, they share a kitchen daughter likes it kept like a show home kitchen, & as they have gifted the proceeds from their home & don't have the cash to buy another house they are trapped, awful situation my friend is a broken woman because of it.

Oh Carole that is hard. It may work out for the best but you will have to have that conversation. Is MiL in good health? Could you install a stair lift? My inlaws have done this and it enables them, both in their 90s to stay in their house. They also have a downstairs loo. They live near us but not with us. They have no intention of moving out.
We have free care for the elderly in Scotland so they have support.

My MIL has lived in an annex attached to our house for 14 years ( paid for by us).

It worked well for the first 9 or 10 years, but my DH and I have both suffered health problems and DH is now needing to use a wheelchair more and more. We realise his condition is only going to get worse and I will be his permanent carer. This has led us to our now needing to move to a bungalow, but being in a difficult position due to MIL.

There are no properties in our price range which can accommodate us all with our own private space (which is my line in the sand as MIL is lovely, but the most untidy/unclean person ever!)

We can just about afford to buy a small bungalow for ourselves and a retirement flat for MIL, but she would need to pay her own bills (something she has never done). We know the conversation will have to take place sooner rather than later, but it’s something we are truly dreading.

Knowing what I do now I would say don’t do it. None of us know what the future holds. I have told my daughter we will never live with her as we love her too much to put her through the stress and upset this has caused us.

you do have to forfeit your privacy. We are so used to having no privacy (because we let the granny flat) and we have shared access and thin walls. We fill our empty rooms with visiting volunteers so often that it has become a way of life. However I do dream of having a peaceful little house and enjoy my holidays in quiet cottages by the sea!!
I think it has made me more adaptable and more hospitable than most of our friends. I was just asked today If I could put up a Romanian woman who is looking for cheap accommodation. I know my limitations and politely declined. why can't the asker offer her a spare room!

Friends of ours did this for his Mum but it only lasted for a year and she ended up moving into a supported living home where she was much happier. When they sold the house, it took ages (because the annexe had taken up so much of the garden) and they told us that they had definitely lost money on it. Take care ...

When I was young we had 2 grannies living with us in 2 separate granny flats. It was a rambling old house. As children we were delighted to have both grannies living under the same roof. I don't think my mother felt the same though.
Eventually, one granny moved out to a flat of her own and the other one became sufficiently unwell that she moved to a nursing home. As a child I wasn't privy to the economics of it all so can't comment on that.
My sister and I married and left home (old fashioned girls us!) and mum and dad fully converted to house to 2 flats and moved into the lower one selling off the rest to friends.

Don’t do it.

My cousin in her 90 s adored her son and when he came back to live in her area it seemed to her a wonderful solution to sell up and move in with him and his wife They got as far as finding a house and starting the necessary building changes before she fell out badly with the daughter in law The last I heard is it’s all fallen through she hasn’t spoken to him for months and has been to a solicitor and written him out her will From 0 to 100 in 6 short months
I really feel you are very lucky if it all works out it’s too big a lottery for me to ever consider I love my kids too much

My mother went from being fine to demented in a few days due to a severe urine infection.
It would have been nearly impossible to have a life and care for her.
She is now in a home.
I would be very careful as if we had pooled resources the property may have had to be sold to cover care home fees.

My mother lived with us for over 20 years, almost half of our married life. She had her own bed sit and bathroom. We cooked for her as cooking was never her thing and towards the end I took care of her financials. I can’t say that I would recommend it, maybe if there was a completely separate living area, but when you have someone else with access to your house you have no privacy, and it is hard. I would think very very hard before I shared a house with any of my children,

We found a large house and converted it ourselves. It wasn't easy and for the first 6 months we had to share a bathroom but the adventure of it kept us going and the joy when at last we got hot water and a kitchen. We cooked on a camping stove until then.
But we were young and DM was 60ish and active.
Now I worry about my very old in-laws but you lot have convinced me not to move them here.
It's interesting to note that our DC who lived through it, are not interested in doing up houses apart from the youngest who was born later on and missed out on painting endless ceilings and sanding floors. I felt as if I lived up a ladder.

We looked really seriously when my dad was still alive. Gave up on it in the end. Some of the Granexes we viewed - you wouldn't keep a budgie in. Or the houses themselves were isolated so he'd have been completely dependant on us for going out, so no life of his own. So I'm still not against in principle BUT finding a decent place in an acceptable location is the problem.

If your adult child has always been very close and committed to you, it could work. The mother of a friend decided to take the opportunity to buy a house with granny annex with her son who only contacted her once in a blue moon as she felt it would be a chance to be closer to him and his children. This house was a few hours away from my friend, her daughter. When she became too infirm to babysit any more, she rarely saw them in spite of being adjoined to the building. And my friend who would have been popping into her all the time to help out couldn't get there very often due to the distance. It ended up the only person she saw regularly was her carer. So if the child you are thinking of doing this with is like my friend it could work. If the child is like her brother it won't.

My parents moved to be near me when they were old and frail. They lived in a bungalow about 2 mins walk away. It worked very well. It had the advantages of a granny flat without the disadvantages. They were too frail to walk round to our house.

I’ve moved into the granny annexe of my DD and SIL large old country house. I have enough space, my own lounge, bedroom, bathroom and kitchen. It works exceptionally well for us, all very respectful of each other’s space and privacy. We work as a team with DGS and pup and house duties, I do all the laundry and cook when required to etc and DD insists that we eat together every night. I do think I’m very lucky and my other 4GC all come over to stay regularly. If I have friends to stay, they sleep in my annexe and I go next door in a guest room. I think you need to sit down and chat with your family beforehand you decide, to work out exactly what everyone wants from the situation. One of my sons has joked that if DD kicks me out for “unruly behaviour” ? then he’ll have an annexe built and I can go to him !

We bought a house to share with my parents. We chose one that gave us 2 kitchens and bathrooms on different floors. they lived downstairs and we lived up. It wasn't a separate granny annexe but we didn't encroach on each other.

It worked mostly OK because we had lived next door to them for 14 years so were used to the proximity. It meant that we had childsitters on hand and they had help with DIY. We ate some meals together and usually met for morning coffee but mostly we lived separate lives.

We had no problems at all with bills etc, the heating was connected to our boiler and the apartment had its own thermostat. We agreed a figure for a share of the bills, divided it by 3 and Dad paid his share each month.
Dad took the view that as I was the one who had cared for him in his later years any increased value of our house was a fair payment for that, it would have been a lot more expensive if he had gone into a care home. My brother, the only other heir was fine about it, he lives in a small house in another part of the country and could not have done the same with his house.
Interestingly, the value of the house only increased by about 50% of the cost of building the apartment so in real terms was not a huge increase for us in the value of our home.
I think from reading some of these horror stories we must have been very lucky.

If this is your only child not a problem but if you other children this could open up a whole can of worms . If you decide to go ahead have contract signed up to say your entitled to stay there until you die . Also they would take care of all your care needs .

Think very carefully if you have other children, and if you are putting a large amount of your capital into the project. You also need legal advice on an exit strategy if it doesn't work out, if your care needs change, and for protection against 4 D's of death, divorce, debt, and dispute.

one of my fantasies also... but... yes, so many difficulties, but to be nearer them?? is it possible?

My cousin did this and ended up more or less confined to one room. Her daughter- in- law criticised her constantly despite the fact that she looked after the children while dil went back to work. She has now moved out and bought a house away from them. Don't do it!

My mother-in-law suggested this recently (2 years ago?) and we did look at it quite carefully but decided against in the end - largely for the complexity of the finances as she would be leaving shares of her estate to step-children, but partly because when my husband is "fully" retired we intend to move.

In the end she has moved into her own house but only 15 minutes away. This keeps finances separate but gives her a bit more contact with us and our wider family.

One of the big issues finance wise revolved around the separate-ness (or not) of the "granny" part. Many of the savings/positives of sharing have to be considered against council tax and utilities and the problems of "what happens if".

If they can afford the whole property without your help, that is an entirely different matter. We couldn't have done it that way.

My fantasy is that my DD and SIL would buy one of those 'tiny homes' to put in their back garden for me to live in. Unfortunately I don't have the money or I would pay for it myself, obviously, but I would dearly love to be near them, but not in the same house.