Need your help/advice

Annie, My spiritual home is the Isle of Wight but the reason I can't go back there, even though we will be close to family living in Hampshire and we still have friends on the Island, is that it's where DD1 was born. I will have to drive past the cottage where we lived and where DS was born a year later.

Too many memories to cope with.

My gut instincts are telling me not to do it.

Merlot thank you

You are right, I am not in the right frame of mind, this will sound as if I have lost the ability to think sensibly but to leave here will be leaving Catherine even though she is dead .

I need to get help to come to terms with her suicide.

Luckygirl thank you.

I have given it so much thought . I live in a market town , I moved three years ago from the part of town I have lived since
1976 across the river to the end of the town, rather like moving
to a village. I moved to be near my elder daughter who was living here. She died 10 months after I moved. Didn’t know
anyone here.

I realise now that moving to Lincolnshire as my younger daughter wants would be moving to make things easier for her, she worries if I was ill she wouldn’t be able to come down perhaps for a month, and she does worry I am rather isolated because of the wretched agoraphobia.

But my heart is here, my granddaughters only an hour drive away , I love them so much and they are my elder daughters children.

I love Wales.

Interesting that you're moving back, Luckygirl. I remember your accounts of moving to where you are now. I wish my gut feelings would wake up and give me a nudge but right now I can't seem to stir them.

Annie I honestly wouldn't move anywhere in your current frame of mind. Grief skews every thought, word and deed. You need to give yourself more time. Wales is your spiritual home so it would be a mistake to leave what defines you.

We're facing a similar problem but in reverse. We need to move from an isolated property to somewhere where we'll have a support network. The sensible thing will be to hang on as long as possible because DD2 wants us near to her but that won't be for two years as DSiL has been posted to north London.

I'm now getting my head around it which means I no longer feel at home here. DH's health is the reason behind it all but at least we are within a sensible distance of the hospital that treats him - just so long as my own health is good because I'm the driver.

Property in our nearest village has gone through the roof. You can't even get a two bedroom bungalow for under £350K

Never mind. It will probably take us the whole two years to get this place ready to sell!!

A hard decision annie - a few years ago I moved from my home village - only a few miles - to a bungalow. A sensible move to deal with physical limitations for both of us. But I have never settled - my old village is where my heart is - it has a centre and a real sense of community that I have not found here. I am selling up and downsizing to return to my spiritual home, not just to release money for NH fees.

It is hard to put my finger on why I feel I need to be back there - maybe it is because I am now on my own and need my friends around me. But it is basically a gut feeling.

I will be a bit further away from my DDs.

Gut feeling is not to be ignored.

I wish you lots of luck in coming to the conclusion that is right for you.

Thank you so much Lilypops

Annie I have pm,d you x

Lilypops thank you.

So sorry to learn you lost a parent to suicide, you will understand how my grandchildren feel.

Yes, my younger daughter’s husband could decide to change his work. They have lived in Lincolnshire for 8 years, two other counties before that. He recently change his work from
the Middle East to Africa.

The day my darling Catherine died he drove my younger daughter here but didn’t have time to call in, he dropped her off and drove straight home. She had to have a taxi from Lincolnshire to Wales for Catherine’s funeral, he had to fly out of the country . This may explain why I don’t understand him.
When they come down for the two nights twice a year he will not stay with any of her family, will only stay in a hotel.

I need help to try to accept Catherine’s suicide, I am stricken with grief, two years and I still cannot lock my front door st night, when she was ill I never locked it incase she needed to come to me in the night.

People react differently to a death from suicide to a death from physical causes don’t they ?

Thank you x

P.S Annie , you say you don't want to move there, that says it all, Stay where you are but try to make changes that will make you feel happier x

Annie , I have never replied to any of your posts but I gave always read them , in particular the very sad circumstances of your Catherine's passing, I lost a parent to suicide when I was 16, it never goes away,so I really feel for you,
Reading your post and especially the last one at 9 02,
Here's my take on it, I would not move to an isolated farmhouse just to be near my daughter, you say you find her husband difficult but he is away a lot, the day will come when he may be home due to change of job ,or ill health then you will see a lot more of him, how will that sit with you,
You say you would only be able to go in to town when your Daughter can drive you in , you would be then be waiting for her at her convenience not when you just feel like it,you say they go abroad several times a year, you really would be isolated then and what if you were ill when they are away , who would look after you,
Your daughter is brought to see you twice a year for two days !! Not much , Annie my thoughts are don't move from your beloved Wales but could you get a move to another sheltered accommodation but still in same area but not have to pass the bridge , think about becoming more involved in the community you are already in, maybe have some bereavement counselling if you haven't already, I just feel it's a wrong move for you , I think you would feel very lonely and cut off , especially when they go on holiday,
I hope I have been of some help Annie , it's such a big decision to make , but with other Grans advice too I hope you will come to the one that is right for you not others,
Sending love and hugs?

Thank you Franbern

My younger daughter lives in an isolated old farmhouse on the fens. , several miles from the nearest town. I couldn’t go to the town unless she drove me. She and her husband holiday abroad several times a year so when they are away I
would only have their dog sitter near, he moves into their
house when they are away.

I know I seem ungrateful but I don’t want to move there, I find her husband difficult. I agreed I would move there should my health cause her concern. She is troubled if I was ill she
wouldn’t be able to visit me. She doesn’t do the five hour drive to come here. He brings her here twice a year for two days.

Having lived all my life in London - okay on the very edge/close to Essex borders, it was an enormous decision for me to move (at age of 78 yrs) to Weston super Mare in Somerset.
In London I was close to my eldest daughter, and as she had been a 1-parent family, I had a particular close affinity with her daughter - had helped in looking after her as a baby and through the first years at school. My house was very much a home from home for her -but she is now turned 16 yrs and does not need me in the same way.
17 years ago my youngest child died at age of 25 yrs - whereas no parent ever totally recovers from such a loss, I do know I have done as he would have wished and continued having a life. Indeed, part of the recovery was getting a new job and then moving house back then.
I do have friends, aquaintances and groups in London, but am happily slowly building a new support system in my new town. And also have another daughter and her family very close by.
Do think it important that anywhere new we live is close to such things as public transport. doctors, pharmacies, hospitals, shops, etc. etc. I am loving the fact that all of these are now within easy reach to get to on my scooter I am finding it quite exciting starting a new phase of my life. and these days, with technology and motorways, it is still so easy to see my other children and g.children.
anniebach, if you really feel you do not want to leave Wales, then that must be your decision, but should not be confused with how well you can still be some sort of support for your g.daughter. Equally, how lovely for your daughter and Son in Law to give so much thought to having you close to them.

Anniebach why can't you do ''trials'' of spending time in Lincolnshire - for a few weeks at a time? - You won't know if you'll like it if you don't do that - even though the travel may be a lot of trouble.

I think you're very wise to put the decision-making on hold. A big move like this has to be considered from every angle, and you must listen to your heart as well as your head.

The isolation of your Lincolnshire home would be an issue, I think. Would you simply be swapping one place of isolation for another?

Really, you need to look after your own mental health first, Annie before making a decision. Remember what they say - put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others.

I think you have to work out whether you would feel able to go out and about in Lincolnshire. If not you will be just as isolated as you are now but without the views of Wales that you love.
There is no way you won't see your granddaughter again, where there is a will there is a way. You are internet savvy so keeping in touch will be no problem. The move will only work if you are sure that it will transform your life for the better.
Thinking of you.

Could you not discuss a ‘mutual exchange’ to a sheltered flat nearer your granddaughter with the council or an HA.

It’s awful to feel lonely. I’m not Welsh but I would really miss the mountains around us after living here for thirty years.

I feel for you making this decision Anniebach.
I was going to write that you could take longer to decide and that is what you have written in your post just above.

If you have 'hiraeth' now you will miss that. Lincolnshire is like the opposite to Wales.
But maybe first before deciding you need to work more through your grief.
I could not guess what is best for you but I know that when I have lived in the 'wrong' place it has torn at me. More than being near to people.
So sorry for the very sad death of your daughter.

Thank you all x

I think I will decide not to decide yet. Not been honest with myself, yes I want to be near my granddaughter in case she needs me, but she is my only link with my darling daughter, so
I need her, not as a replacement but she is part of my Catherine, I need to work through my grief, I ache for Catherine.

I stay in this Cul de sac , leaving it to venture to town means seeing the bridge, I can’t, I have flashes of Catherine standing on the bridge , in the dark and alone . Death from suicide leaves so many questions which cannot be answered. There is the constant thought - she chose to die, I should have been on that bridge with her.

And also ‘hiraeth’. Difficult to explain, I look out of the window and there are the mountains , there isn’t a definition
of ‘hiraeth’ , it just is.

You have helped me so much again, I am so grateful x

You have many good replies Your grandchildren are more or less grown ups and now you are the one in need of care from them.Your granddaughter may also be concerned for your welfare, living alone, so it may be a relief to her if you move to your daughter's and son in law's place. You could be doing all your loved ones a favour if you move to Lincolnshire. It's a super offer from your daughter and son in law!

Your mental and physical health is a prime concern. Will your younger daughter and her husband care for you now and if your health worsens?

There will come a moment during this problem when something quite small happens and you will know what you want to do. I had a similar problem, and I did make the move from Scotland to England. I was glad I did so.

My friends in Edinburgh were dead or gone away so the move was mainly about changing places. The converted barn in Lincolnshire sounds great for you and dogs, although I presume it has all facilities on the ground floor?

Well here’s my take Anniebach you will not be leaving Wales Wales is your spirit, it’s your core. How much of your beautiful country do you get to see now? It sounds like four walls which could be anywhere I m pretty sure your daughter in Lincolnshire could bring you once a year for a holiday in Wales and take you out and about to really really see your country, instead of being trapped seeing nothing of it 2 weeks of holiday and you d probably see more than you have in the last 2 years
Granddaughter surely can visit you and skyp and talk I m guessing she’s 19/20 to be honest Annie grandkids get too busy to do more than visit occasionally Of course you ll see her again but it’s her turn to come to you she has her sisters a university course a job she sounds sorted and settled Would her mum have wanted you in a little isolated house because you promised to look after her, she’s past looking after now
I m wondering if a part of this feels like leaving your daughter behind in Wales I think I could see how that would feel but you re not, she’s in your heart wherever you live you take her with you
Dear Annie don’t be isolated any longer I can feel your sadness in every word of your post please have a little ‘you’ space now a little bit of being looked after and looked out for a little time to have a chuckle and some company
Good luck my love, which ever way you decide to go

Reading the above, your very soul is in Wales. You have sheltered accomodation in a market town. Something is going wrong where you live now and I do think that is where you need to focus your energies. A market town is what many of us would strive for, counil run sheltered accomodation is what many would give their right hand for. Small steps anniebach, perhaps your isolation is caused by you being too shy to go out and to start talking with other people. I believe that needs to be worked on. Going to lincolnshire would be the last thing you need. Pick yourself up and start to stand on your own two feet. You have to work at making friends, don`t leave it to family, it is such a weight on them.

If your granddaughter doesn’t get on with SIL, surely she could visit you in your self contained barn home, either when he’s away or if he’s at home, just seeing you, as it sounds as though it would be a totally separate residence to theirs.
Also I appreciate you are very close to her, not sure how old she is, but, don’t want to sound unkind, as she gets more and more of her own life, new people in it, an ageing grandparent may not have quite so much importance to her.
You dread leaving Wales, but also say how lonely and unhappy you are.
Perhaps you need to think about your own needs and well-being a bit more.

I’ve been thinking about this for a while annie and no, I don’t have an answer, in fact I don’t believe there is a neat answer, there never is when emotions are involved

Can I share some thoughts? You can care for your granddaughters from a distance, you do now. The fact the distance would be longer is in my view immaterial. Young people can and do travel. You said your grandchildren struggle with your daughters husband but also he is away for much of the year, lots of visiting time then. I also wonder how you feel about him, do you two get along, that would be important I would think.

You love Wales, but forgive me, at the moment you find leaving your home impossible much of the time. Would it be easier to move around in a new location? Away from the reminders? Could there be more opportunity for social contact? Having said that you explained your daughters home is quite isolated. If you felt able to join in community activities could you do so independently?

Your daughter has sprung this on you. She must have thought about it some while ago to have secured planning permission. I imagine she and her husband wanted to be sure of the permission before telling you. While accepting she worries about you I wonder if she may be hoping for and wanting your company as she’s alone for much of the year.

Do you know the shape and size of your potential new home? Would it suit you? It does sound an ideal place for canine company.

As others have said, once the conversion is finished could you keep your bungalow, keep paying your rent, and go for an extended holiday? I understand it would take courage but there is much sense in testing such a significant change

Thinking about the transition is bound to be frightening. Give yourself time for it to settle. Could you chat to your son in law who isn’t? Get his thoughts. Perhaps it’s time to be honest with your granddaughters about your isolation sometimes an old fashioned pros and cons list helps.

There are two of us here but no geographically close family now. A dear friend experienced a life changing illness back in the summer and could never have gone home without the support of her daughter who lives close by. It’s made us think. Much as we enjoy being here we are intrinsically alone. We’ve decided we would manage whatever came as a couple, when one is alone the situation is very different and so we have asked our family to help the remaining person with a move when the time comes.

We’re all different annie. As I said I have no answers for you, if there was an easy answer you wouldn’t have asked for thoughts. Let it settle, talk to your daughter, granddaughters and your son in law who isn’t. Find out about the proposed accommodation. Then let it settle some more, take your time. It’s actually OK to make a decision not to make a decision yet. I know that sounds odd but if you do that you remain in control.

I hope you can come to a conclusion you are content with and others accept and understand. Wishing you well.

I agree with Gonegirl. You have to trust your instincts. If you don't want to leave Wales then don't go.

We're soon going to have to make a similar decision. I come from Hampshire, my spiritual home is the Isle of Wight but we're East Anglians now. I love the climate and the wide open spaces. We've also lost our elder daughter and the younger one wants us to move close to her which is understandable. A move back to Hampshire at our time of life is quite a scary prospect.

Life throws us some challenges. Sometimes trusting our own judgement is the only way to go rather than trying to please others even though they are doing their best for us.