Need your help/advice

If I may explain, my younger daughter doesn’t have children .

I am isolated because I developed agoraphobia.

My younger granddaughter is at university, no idea what she will do or if she would move after.

Thank you all x

Annie - I've been wondering how you've been getting on recently.
I have a close friend whose daughter took her own life last year. She's going through a similar grief process.
The only comfort I can offer, I know you're religious, is that Catherine is now in another world, where all that matters is how kind she was to others when she was here.

No no no - please stay put. Tell them to save their money and put the barn conversion on hold.
How old are you? Are you healthy and reasonably fit?
If loneliness your only issue then stay where you are. There is nothing more certain to ruin a loving mother/daughter relationship than to have the younger one 'caring' for the elder. She will eventually come to resent you once your usefulness in looking after children has gone and they no longer need you, but you need her.
I've seen it happen so often it breaks my heart.
If you are fit enough to look after children you are fit enough to do voluntary work. Contact Age Concern or WRVS or direct to your local hospital (I did) and you will have more friends than you know how to count.

If I were you, I would move. It is extremely depressing to be so isolated and lacking in companionship. Even if you are unable to travel back to Wales to see your granddaughter, as you have a close bond with her she will surely come and visit you now and again? She is at university now and no doubt has some good friends there so you don't need to worry about her and feel responsible for her welfare, as you would a young child.

And in your new home you will have your independence but at the same time the security of being near your younger daughter and some companionship (though, as someone else said, it is unwise - and not very fair or realistic - to rely entirely on family for companionship).

For those advising that anniebach stay within Wales but try and find more central sheltered housing where there are more opportunities for socialising, I'm not sure there's sufficient social housing to enable a person to find exactly what they want.

btw, some of Lincolnshire has lovely rolling green hills.

I have ended up living somewhere that is very far from beautiful, very far indeed. But once the blinds are closed and a plant is in place and the kettle is on, it doesn't matter.

Connection, that is what we need.

Annie And I meant to finish by saying it is not that long since your bereavement and I know how hard it is trying to make decisions when grieving ...so good on you for thinking about it - I wrote it but must have accidentally deleted it, before pressing post .

Annie, well done for talk making small constructive steps in your life, talk to counsellors, people , until you can talk without feelings of such immense grief, I am so glad you have decided to stay where you are at least for now, you are not in a good place at the moment to make such a life changing move, I admire you for reaching out , Keep on keeping on !! Sending love x

Your reason for going MUST only be because it is right for you not to stop your younger daughter worrying. I think you need to consider moving but not necessarily to Lincilnshire. Why would moving nearer to your granddaughter automatically make you a burden for your granddaughter? She loves you and visits when she can. Being neater means visiting you would be easier for her! What about sheltered housing with a built in support network, somewhere nearer to where she lives?

My point is, I dont think its Lincolnshire or nothing. You need to quietly look at all options, what is honestly best for you AND stop just seeing yourself as a potential burden. People love you, let them help, advise, discuss with you. But do what is right for YOU

It took me years to come to terms with the flatness of East Anglia. I now appreciate the wide open spaces, huge skies and dry and sunny climate but I wouldn't recommend it to anyone who loves mountains or even rolling hills.

I wouldn't want your rain though.

heat!? - hear.

Oh annie - I heat what you are saying about flat!!! I could not live somewhere flat. I love the rolling Welsh border hills and mountains of my home. They raise my spirits every day. The thought of being far from them is not one I would wish to contemplate. DD2 turned down a place at a prestigious university because she hated the flat landscape when she went for interview.

And there is your deep-seated Welshness - so much of who you are. You have reached out to people around you now; and I am sure this will lead to further "sorties", whether physically out of doors, or in the form of new friendships. I do wish you so much luck in all your endeavours. Faith in people's essential good nature is the way to go I feel.

Dear Annie, I have decided to share my thoughts on your situation and hireath, because you seem like a sensible person who can take ideas on board and decide how much they suit you.
I understand the concept of hireath very well, and would say that it one important factor. However, I have at some points in my life, taken a sensible decision rather than a heart-felt one. I have not regretted them because I acknowledged my heart's feelings, and said 'I am still going ahead with what seems most sensible now'.

Having acknowledged that and sought counselling, I would consider a stay in Lincolnshire. This assumes that the conversion would be done anyway, or that there is room for you to stay. I think you are in social housing - the usual time you can be away from a property is 3 months at a time. So you could go for a month, meet people in the community, find out about transport & community services, then go back to Wales and think again. You could try another month and see how contact works with your grand-daughters, knowing you can return to Wales.

I don't like to post about where I live, but the countryside where my family has been for generations, which holds my heart, and where I have been able to return, is much more like Lincolnshire! Work and family have taken me elsewhere, but I always found people to care for and to care for me, and places to cherish.

I know that you will make the right decision because you will make it work, whatever you decide.

Cabbie thank you for sharing , yes it is hard for the family and hell for the sufferer.

I have photographs of the barn my younger daughter is going
to turn into accommodation for me, I see flat green fields stretching for what seems miles. Here I open the curtains in the morning , there are the mountains, sometimes grey, sometimes a mix of colours and sometimes even purple , and yes sometimes covered in mist ! But so beautiful.

Anniebach, I have never before commented on your situation, but I want to reach out to you today. You have made huge strides in making contact with people who can support you in your next steps. You have been through so much, but there is hope and a future for you.
I have not lost a relative in the same way you have, but I have two relatives still alive who have suffered and are still suffering from mental illness. My sister wanted to kill herself when she was younger. I can still hear her screaming, when I was doing my A levels. She did get beyond that stage, and go on to marry and have children, but because of medication which controlled her outbursts but sedated her long term, she is now unable to function in a normal way. She is confined to a Home now with others with similar problems. I have lost the companionship of a sister all my adult life. Another relative is much younger and is now getting the therapy she needs, so there is hope for her but it is a long haul. I have told you this so you know I am aware how hard it can be. I hope I have not caused offence. I know it is not the same as losing a daughter.

But now You have to rebuild your life, and I am glad you are taking steps to do that. Moving to an isolated farmhouse in the flat Lincolnshire fens would be soul destroying for you. I hope you will take up the offers of help and support and cross that bridge in more ways than one, to a new phase of your life in Wales.

Dragonfly I wish I could explain my love for Wales, I can’t ,
there is no definition of hiraeth ?

Yes I am taking steps forward and all due to the support here.

Oh Annie keep the momentum going. You are taking the first baby steps forward.
Lincolnshire is not for you - your heart is in Wales and always will be.
We here are all behind you

Franberg I will not go near the bridge. A witness at the inquest was on the bridge trying to save Catherine, he described her actions, how she looked, nothing can erase this from my mind .

My younger daughter is coming here today, she has accepted
I have decided not to decide about moving to Lincolnshire.
It is too soon to move from my granddaughters and I don’t
want to move from Wales.

Maw yes I have taken the first steps, I am scared about meeting people at the Church, you are so right, unless someone has ‘been there’ they wouldn’t know the hell of the
years Catherine suffered from the illness, she was judged by people who didn’t know she was in a living hell, I too was criticised for defending her.

But I am going to go forward x

Anniebach that is wonderful, a true step forward. It’s an old old cliché that the longest journey starts with a single step, but you are taking those early steps.
Few of us can have any true understanding of what you have been through, however much we try to empathise, sadly I have learned over the last 2 years that unless someone has been there, even the kindest people - they just don’t know.
So a huge hug for taking those early momentous steps on your journey.

So pleased that your are seeking proper support, also ask your GP about Counselling. I was offered this by my GP when my son died, but refused it - I only wanted to talk to people who had known him, and - fortunately, back then I did have lots of friends, etc. who were willing to let me ramble on about him.
It does amaze me, quite often, how many people have had adult children who have died. Even chatting to strangers, on trains, etc. I talk about my son, and so often these people will tell me of a similar tragedy in their lives.
Each person does need to deal with this in their own way - but it is important that whereas one life is ended, it does not mean further ones should (effectively) be so. One of my twins did need to have therapy and counselling for nearly a year after his death.
Nearly eighteen years later, we still miss him, and think about him, but the sharpness of that greif is subsiding. When I moved, the very first photo I put up in my new flat was his!!!
Anniebach, when your daughter next visits, or - perhaps -with one of the people from your grief group, get them to go with you over that bridge. Accept it as part of her life - and do not let it rule yours.
Think you need to stay in your present home - at least for a couple more years to go through the worst of your grief - took me just over two years before I actually began to feel I was coming out of that black cloud.
Would be good if you could have the occasional holiday in Lincolnshire with your daughter and SiL. Forgive him for just dropping your daughter off that dreadful day - perhaps he felt he would be intruding on close family if he came in that dreadful time.
Thinking of you

Positive steps annie - well done.

Thank you all x

Two years ago my darling daughter died, I was alone, distraught and sat clutching a box of pills. I reached out to this
forum instead, you got me through the funeral, the inquest.

I was in full panic mode when my younger daughter asked me to move to Lincolnshire, I reached out to you again and you were there for me.

Reading all your replies I acted on them . Yesterday I contacted a support group for people who have lost a loved one through suicide, what I called irrational thoughts are common. Even told of a mothers who cannot go out alone since their child took their lives. My agoraphobia following Catherine’s death is not unusual .

This morning I contacted the Cathedral, which was the church
I attended until I moved here. They are contacting someone from the church local to me now who will ring me . There are
many social activities held there.

This , because of your support, both posts, e mail, and PM’s.

Thank you all so much x

Dear *Anniebach*,
I've followed your posts for some time. I'm so sorry that you lost your dear daughter in such a sad way. Your posts have such sadness and I hope, at some point soon, you will be able to get grief counseling to help you to understand some of the emotions you are feeling.
I agree with the post from Lilypops . Reading your responses to posts sent to you, I feel that your mind is already made up that you really don't want to leave Wales.

Listen to your heart.?
Maybe, in a few years time, you may feel differently. At this point, if I were you, I would just take each day as it comes.

My best to you with a big hug.

merlot you are so right, grief does stop me thinking sensibly
about somethings. I cannot lock my front at night, I left it
unlocked when Catherine was ill incase she needed to come to
me at night. I don’t leave it unlocked thinking she may walk in
but to turn that key for me means locking her out of my life.

Grief does cause you to lose the ability to think sensibly. At the moment I congratulate myself if I remember everything on the shopping list!

It's too big a decision to make. At least we have two years to decide what to do.

I'm glad you've realised Lincolnshire is a move too far for you.