Running around after an elderly neighbour

I want to know too! What does 'down the banks' mean ?
Sounds like a useful saying.

We love two hours away (in the RAF) from my parent’s in law, my poor hubby used to go there every weekend and clean and buy food, which he’d throw put the next weekend. We didn’t really understand what was happening to them and thought that it was his 90year old cantankerous dad preventing help (meals on wheels sent away, gardener shouted at etc). It was his 70 year old mum who had dementia and who hid it from us so well. We later found our that the neighbours were doing so much for them and not one told us. Eventually we called the GP who wasn’t much use and ended up calling social services for support. Dad died and mum ended up in an assessment centre (outreach nurse had called the on call psychiatrist to get her sectioned as a danger to herself) he refused! She was in a terrible state and the outreach. It’s was amazing and persuaded her to go in. Sadly she fell put of bed and broke her leg, an X-ray found that she has advanced kidney cancer and she died shortly after. It was a terrible time for all of us and I wish the neighbours had told us what was going on much earlier. We were told not to take mum to live with us as she could burn down our house. Her house was an awful state by the end, her poor cat and dog were badly cared for too. We did what we felt we could but also respected mum’s rights. It’s hard to find the balance. I always wondered if the dementia was actually brain metastasis. Sad tale.

Have a similar neighbour ,,,,she took to calling the ambulance all the time because she was 'ill' (nothing wrong with her) ...when they kept her in (before the Pandemic) she was delighted at having meals cooked, being cared for which is why she kept ringing them. When she was home she would knock on neighbours doors at all hours of night and day saying ;do you have a spare toilet roll;.....;do you have a medicine measuring spoon? ....the problem is, she desperately WANTS to go into a care home but she is refusing to sell her home (think son has something to do with it as he will lose out ! (mind you, he visits once a year)) but social services told her it will cost over £50,000 a year and the council will not pay. Then she took to having her TV and music on all night ...even people living two doors away were disturbed by it .......at first people were sympathetic and ran to help, but it just got that they had no life as she was so demanding. We all realise and know full well her problem is she is very needy, and hates living on her own.......one neighbour used to invite her for coffee but she started turning up every morning as she thought the invite (she said) was for every day ! It is very very sad ...she needs treatment, or rather, a place in a care home but there is nothing available so she now lives alone ......I heard her complaining to the paramedics who bought her home from her last trip to hospital (she says the weekend roast is lovely !!!!!!!!!!!!) that she 'never sees or speaks' to anyone .........that is not true, she has now in place carers who come four times a day .......she resents having to pay for them ....but I worry in case I get like that ...alone (I am alone now but still ok !) and old, with no one .................what a country we live in where you are frightened of getting old and being totally alone ! very sad

Oldwoman70

notgran story reminds me of a time when I was asked to make tea and coffee for a meeting. I was working in a different department but was the only female on that floor. I listened attentively while it was outlined that I would be expected to make tea or coffee as required, clean up the room after the meeting and then wash the crockery used. After all that had been outlined I just said "no".

My "lack of co-operation was reported to the manager and I was called into his office to "explain myself"

I pointed out that the meeting had nothing to do with the department I was working in and in any event nowhere in my contract did it say I was to provide such services, I then went on to suggest that as they were all adult males they should be capable of making tea and coffee for themselves.

The manager looked uncomfortable, cleared his throat and said "I see what you mean". Nothing more was said and I was never asked again!

Sounds like the perfect way to handle it.

Yes I did - the lady's adult son lived about 5 minutes walk away and was a friend of my brother's.
When I asked why he didn't help his mum, he shrugged his shoulders and said why did he need to when I was next door to do it instead ?
This was at a time when I had my young son and often child minded his mates twins !
I finally got fed up with him, after feeling sorry for his mother for breeding such a selfish * by giving him an invoice for the hours that I had spent doing his job - she even seemed to expect me to do cleaning for her after he refused to engage domestic help!
My invoice didn't get paid and his mother was put in a home soon after!

Some years ago I offered to pick a friend and her weeks shopping up from a large sainsburys on Friday afternoons, as she didn’t have a car and I felt sorry for her. I would then help her carry it indoors and put it away, and we would have a cup of tea. I did this every Friday for over a year, but then I heard that her husband had bought a car and she had learned to drive. I said that she really didn’t need me to pick her up anymore, but give me a ring next week and we’ll have a cup of tea. Never heard from her ever again.

I should just add that after my father died when I was 11 and we were left in dire financial straits,we didn't see much of her or family when even a social call to see how we were faring would have been very welcome.My mother was too proud to have asked anyone to help financially.My step cousin has chosen to ignore the fact that no one helped us out as she insists people did in the old days.

I have had exactly the same with an elderly step cousin. Daughter died some years ago, son lives in Europe, visits once every 6 months apart from lockdown. Step cousin is rude,tyrannical and generally ungrateful, her constant moan being " no one cares,neighbours and family used to look after everyone, they did it for a smile and a thankyou". There are 6 of us who keep an eye on her, shopping, changing her bed, helping her with any paperwork or emergency repairs.After a bout of pneumonia she had carers, they were an enormous help as they got her washed and dressed every day- despite her protests,I'm pretty sure she had stopped washing herself in the previous weeks.The care was a free service for 10 days when she came out of hospital.She argued with doctors and social workers, shouted and raged at everyone because she refused to pay for any care, didnt see why she should ' as they are already paid'. ( Doing this she actually managed 5 weeks free care by putting the agencies in a very difficult position,despite us trying to make her see reason. She can afford care,her goal in life is to keep every penny to leave to the son living abroad)None of us who help out are spring chickens- her grandson is younger , but ill himself with a serious heart condition,and who puts up with much abuse including her attacking him with her walking stick recently! The doctors and social workers say she is compos mentis, and yes I would agree, but her expectations of continuing free care from neighbours and distant relatives are unreasonable.I went through agonies of guilt,but after a difficult 2 months while she was recovering from pneumonia, plus 2 years of running after her during lockdown,I have had to back off for my own sanity and health. I did have a nasty cold to start, and wouldn't risk giving it to her. She hasn't once rung to see how I am, just moaned to others that I haven't been round.I really can't face going back at present. And what of her son in Europe....?" I can't look after mum, we would kill each other..." ?! He is quite content living the life he wants, but to me his mothers care should be his responsibility.

Oh yes!! Many times, and this was even more so in the 80s/90s when I was working in our own IT business, and as a merchandiser, and freelance journalist, had a teenager who did an activity every day after school and at weekends, a large dog to care for, and my late parents required an awful lot of my time/care and took Brownies. Oh, and I have numerous illnesses. If anyone ever wonders why I got a real sickener and now put myself first it is because of numerous 'users' and ungrateful individuals over the years, but also that my illnesses are incurable, progressive & chronic. Needless to say none of these folk did anything for me.....

For every one of those “takers “ there are others who refuse to ask for help. Afraid that was me some years back.
I took a taxi to the shop and had a different driver on the way home. He must have seen how frail I was and insisted on taking the shopping into the kitchen and even putting things away in fridge and freezer.
He returned the next morning with his wife.
This couple turned up every other day to help me out. I was so grateful to them. After 2 weeks I had nearly recovered from the accident that had laid me so low. I told this couple how thankful I was and could now feel able to drive myself to the shops and ...... they insisted that they would come back in a week to make sure.
That was some years ago and we are now good friends.

Not quite the same but I am a carer for my mother alongside her aging partner. I find that in addition to my Mum, I am often in the position where I am doing things to care for her partner even though he has an adult son. If I say, "Why don't you ask your DS?" the response is that he is very busy and Mum's Partner doesn't want to trouble him. I did write to his son who told his Dad that he wanted to be troubled but this has made no difference. I find I can get quite resentful that my time and trouble is perfectly acceptable to use. I try to balance it with telling myself that he does care for my Mum (although only the jobs he wants to do) but that doesn't always comfort me. My husband says that I should just avoid helping but I feel guilty. I would like to think that if my husband needed help, my children would step in if his children couldn't. Sometimes life just puts you between a rock and a hard place!

Witzend, my Mum is the same. She can barely stand, hasn't entered the kitchen for 10 years but when Social Services come, she tells them about how she went sailing a couple of months ago and she is perfectly capable of making a cup of tea. When they ask her to show them, she just deflects with a monologue of how to make a cup of tea and says she doesn't feel like showing them. It is so frustrating.

biglouis, I have been amazed at how wonderful adult social services have been with both my Mum and Carer. I was quite sceptical about involving them but they have been really helpful. My Mum has too much money to pay for carers but they provide us with 4 hours a week for somebody to sit with her so we can have a break. Not much but better than nothing. They arranged a 2 week break (unfunded of course) when we were on our knees. They chase professionals to get things done and they help determine when she has capacity (it fluctuates) when she or I have to make important decisions. They can only offer help, they can't force you to take it. Even if you make unwise decisions that put you in danger, they can't drag you off kicking and screaming. They can only advise you.

I've loved being around my 80 yo neighbour through lockdown. He's had a few parking tickets, traffic fines (should he be driving - not for me to say). As he doesn't do computers I've been able to sort, and it's lovely, we've got quite close - 18 previous years as neighbours has been a wave and "hello" and little more. And he's always thankful and has never ever taken the pee.

However - I can see I'm getting sucked in right now by someone (in their 50's) who I believe is trying to manipulate me ... it's a really sad situation but I (and many of my confidants) are seeing red flags for the future! I've enjoyed those assertive refusals - and will be using those! So thanks!

This is going to sound horrible but no I haven't. I used to work as an Occupational Therapist before I retired and had seen it happen too many times to get caught.

What does down the banks mean?

biglouis

Years ago I worked as a market researcher and when I asked older people (in one popular survey) what they feared most it was often "loss of independence".

I would never want to get involved with SS. I regard them as busybodies and would not let them into my house. Rather than go into a care home I would kill myself, And yes I do mean that because I keep more than enough tablets to kill me 10 times over. I dont want to spend the remainder of my life parked in front of a TV with a bunch of senile incontinent old biddies. My choice.

Its easy when you live alone. You just tell people you are going away for a few days and not to call.

Let’s hope you don’t get dementia then, because if you do, you will almost certainly forget a) that you ever had such a plan, b) that you ever had such a stash, never mind where you put it, not to mention that more than likely you will be unable to remember at any given moment that there’s actually anything wrong with you.

My mother still genuinely thought there was nothing wrong with her when she could no longer even make herself a cup of tea.

This thread made me think of a colleague whose neighbour refused to so much as take in a parcel as she was a housewife and felt anyone who chose to work should make alternative arrangements. When she went on holiday she expected my colleague to keep an eye on the house water plants and feed the Tortoise as "everyone has holidays"!

Our next door neighbour asked my husband if he would mind cutting her lawn while she was on holiday hubby pointed out she had a sil who was more than capable of doing it she never asked again

Thank you Luluaugust for your thought. He is English but lives in Ukraine with his Ukrainian wife. He is in the southeast where the fighting is heavy.

Years ago I worked as a market researcher and when I asked older people (in one popular survey) what they feared most it was often "loss of independence".

I would never want to get involved with SS. I regard them as busybodies and would not let them into my house. Rather than go into a care home I would kill myself, And yes I do mean that because I keep more than enough tablets to kill me 10 times over. I dont want to spend the remainder of my life parked in front of a TV with a bunch of senile incontinent old biddies. My choice.

Its easy when you live alone. You just tell people you are going away for a few days and not to call.

Hithere

Allsorts
Social services is failing this lady, who is screaming for help and they choose to believe the son.

As this lady seems to be in full faculty of her mental health (for now) and she is not asking for any other people to support her wishes, why not go to a home?

The trouble is, people who really do need help, will all too often tell SS that they don’t, and/or refuse to let them in at all, so unless the person has been officially deemed to lack capacity, there’s nothing SS can do - until/unless there’s a real crisis of some sort.

Probably not so much the case now, but some elderly people used to be very wary of SS, thinking they were going to interfere and pry into their private affairs, or force them into a care home ‘for your own good’.

My own mother (born 1918) was certainly of the firmly fixed opinion that SS were only ever needed by the feckless/improvident, and before dementia really took a hold would have been aghast at any involvement from them, though thankfully we were able to manage without.

The posters who say never get involved with financial matters in case relatives (who suddenly appear out of the woodwork) turn on you are wise.

During the first lockdown I worked as a "telephone friend" with a local charity ringing several people during the week for a chat. All these were elderly people who lived alone and part of my job was to pass onto the charity any requests for practical help such as shopping, etc. Some conversations were quite short, simply a "check in" to ensure that the recipient was well. Others wished to chat and obviously looked forward to the conversations. One (I will call her Grace) I got quite close to and found out from her that she lived in a nearby street.

Of course I never went there as that is forbidden in the rules. I phoned this lady twice a week for several months. One day a strange voice answered and demanded to know who I was. I explained and the other replied rudely that she was Grace's daughter. She told me that I did not need to call again as she was now there to look after her mother. She used phrases like "Your the busybody whose been bothering mum" and so on. It was obvious that she was not at all glad that her mother had a confident all those weeks that she had never been around.

What alarmed me was that Grace was a charming lady, very well spoken. From her accent, things she had said in our conversations and the area where she lived I knew that she was probably from a good middle class background. The woman who claimed to be her daughter had a very rough regional accent from another part of the country. She did not come across as the kind of person who would fit in to the same social group. In short I was suspicious of her claim that she was Grace's daughter.

When the rude woman ordered me not to call again I said that I would like to hear this decision from Grace herself, but she slammed down the phone. When I reported this to the charity they instructed me not to call again as they were going to send a worker around to the address to find out what was going on. I never did find out what happened except that Social Services becae involved so there may well have been a safeguarding issue.

I can see how very tempting it is to ask people nearby to help out, particularly with medicines as the chemist is nearby and only open when the AC are at work, however, we don't. The tea and coffee scenarios are amusing to me as back in the dark ages when I was first at work I used to think if they want to pay me to make tea and coffee fine! then women's lib came along and I knew differently!
Yammy thinking of your friend.

welbeck

why do you regret saying it; she sounds like someone to avoid.

You have just cleared my conscience welbeck thank you she is someone to be avoided ,we are lucky the ones on the other side and opposite are lovely and made us feel very welcome. I can sleep easy on that score.
Unfortunately we have just heard a family friend is on the front line in a trench in Ukraine.

why do you regret saying it; she sounds like someone to avoid.

When we moved house I was very wary of new neighbours because of what we left behind.
Their son had never been friendly to us. If his mother came for coffee he would phone for her to go home . When she came for us and said her husband was ill. We went and found him dead. I sat and cuddled her until the ambulance came but the son would not swop seats with me .Within a few months he had her certified and in a home without telling us.
When we moved the lady next door asked who we were and very curtly told me that the dividing wall was hers and not to touch it.She also said she was expecting a retired .......obviously I did not look like ones wife.
Later I was told I shouln't shop in Sainsburys as she had opposed it being built. Hints started to about joining clubs where it was obvious I was going to taxi.
DH said to say no but give no explanation in my" yummy mummy", car as she called it. I knew she had lots of family near and made my mind up to say No to everything. It is hard and often I regret saying it but once bitten twice shy and we have a quiet life.