Running around after an elderly neighbour

as for saying yes to requests, it gives a partial picture.

How about the body language? The tone of the reply? Waiting to reply for some time vs right away?

A cheerful "sure, what do you need" is very different compared to "ok, what do you need?" with flat or annoyed voice

Allsorts
Social services is failing this lady, who is screaming for help and they choose to believe the son.

As this lady seems to be in full faculty of her mental health (for now) and she is not asking for any other people to support her wishes, why not go to a home?

In my case saying 'no' wasn't an option.

My neighbour rang me and said she had been in agony all day, the doctor had only just phoned her back for a telephone consult and was sending a painkiller prescription to the chemist - and they closed in 30 minutes. Her daughter lives an hour away. I couldn't say no, but wondered what the next 'emergency' would be. Luckily her other friend collected and delivered the urine sample

A neighbour I thought of as a friend had to have a mastectomy and her husband was in a wheelchair so unable to help. I've had a mastectomy myself so I knew the score, and that she wouldn't be able to drive for a little while, so I rang her to see if there was anything she wanted, and she gave me a short list which was fine.

This opened the floodgates and she rang me every morning for something - a birthday card that had to have elephants on it - something to be posted - more food shopping, etc etc. At first I did all of this willingly but as I am juggling far more health problems than my neighbour, and I am older than her, often I was having a bad day and didn't feel like going out.

The last straw came when I had dragged myself out to run one of her errands and when I came home she was sweeping up leaves!!

I didn't answer the phone the next few mornings.

A year later I had heavy duty 'flu and my fridge was empty. I felt she owed me so I rang her to ask if she could get me some basics from the village shop, and she said she couldn't until next week!!

I learnt my lesson.

There’s another side to this. A lot of very old people live alone and find everyday tasks getting impossible, they might have memory loss and their family have abandoned them except when they want money. I know of one lady exactly in that position, she wanted to go to a retirement home but her son said no you're not ready for that yet, we will help you stay where you are. She cannot drive now as has early dementia, she looks so frail, she’s not eating, her son does not visit for more than the. odd 30 minute visit, so she is a prisoner in her home and keeps crying. Social services contacted the son who said I do visit she can’t remember. You try reporting it and it flies back in your face, they put the problem on you and it makes it worse. Other option Age Concern, failing that the police. I don’t think a lot of us do what we should before it gets to an emergency situation and end up very needy and frightened about things that didn’t use to bother them once. That’s where neighbours get to pick up the pieces as well as dealing with their own problems and after a while it becomes a burden on them.

Elizabeth27

That is precisely what i think, its sad that the person thinks it is no trouble whatsoever to ask for A, B & C to be done, unknowing that it doesn't sit very well with the person who has been asked to do A, B & C.

Really sad.

I have been in a situation many, many times when someone has asked could i do blah, blah, blah for them and i have done it without so much as a nanoseconds thoughts BUT i have always taken on-board if i have known they have very good family that I CAN help, no problem whatsoever but i have made a mental note that the persons son, daughter grandchildren, niece nephew is very much 'around'.

I couldnt be two-face..... no way am i implying anyone is, im just adding my bit to this discussion that I personally couldn't be two-faced

Everyone needs a bit of help now and again....

My moto BE KIND

DiscoDancer1975

I just say ‘ no’. Never had a problem with it.

Me too!!

How is the person asking for help going to know it is done grudgingly if the person asked keeps saying yes.

If you do not want to help then say no.

I just say ‘ no’. Never had a problem with it.

Fortunately my experiences with the CF neighbour (the one with the idle son) happened before there were smart phones. While these machines can be useful they are as much a curse as a blessing. People forget that they have a block function. In those days there was a "caller display" function and I often did not answer when I saw her number.

Nowadays I have a VIP list on my landline and if your not on it then you dont get through. You dont even get to leave a message because I disabled that function. I can never understand people who readily give their phone number to neighbours. When mine was cheeky enough to ask I told them my phone number was for close friends and family and not for randoms (another wondferful Mumsnet phrase)

My experience has been that if you make it really difficult for people to get in touch with you (and I am a past mistress in the art) their will either do it themselves or get someone else to do it.

A ring type door bell really is your friend here. You can monitor who it is and simply not answer the door to unwanted callers. Not having a car can also have its advantages. If they cannot see a car people dont know whether your home or not. And if you dont drive then you cant get to akward places to service others.

Notagran ?

Dh’s old aunt lived in a similar block, Franbern. Fine for several years, but when the time came that she couldn’t manage, although she had plenty of money she absolutely loathed parting with any of it, so expected neighbours to help her ‘for love’.

Her lovely and much put-upon cleaning lady* did a lot, too, including doing her shopping and then being berated for not having gone to a different shop for the butter, where it was 1p cheaper!

We lived a good 2 hour drive away, so popping in was out of the question, and within a few days she invariably sent any carers dh arranged for her, packing.

As a result I’d have her neighbours (mostly elderly and decrepit themselves) on the phone wailing that they just couldn’t cope any more.

She once also expected dh, who was knackered after a long night flight for work, to visit her now. For no real reason, other than that he was expected to dance attendance. He went, though.

He did eventually manage to get her into a nice care home, but it was an utterly exhausting, drawn out process which she resisted every step of the way. And although by then she’d got to the stage where she couldn’t get herself to the loo during the night, she afterwards told everyone who’d listen that she was only there because her nephew had ‘made’ her go.

*After the aunt died, dh and his brothers made a deed of variation to her will, in order to send a very nice cheque to the cleaning lady.

In the past we have given a lot of regular help to very frail, elderly neighbours who we’ve known for many years and are very fond of, but TBH it was getting too much. Thankfully, after one of them had yet another fall and was admitted to hospital, carers 4 times a day were arranged - long overdue - and we now rarely get a call at all.

Think I gave a wrong impression. The relative is very keen in getting his Uncle into a Care Home. Would be so much better for him and he would have the company he craves and would also eat much better. It is the person themselves who is totally resistant to the idea.

The nephew also set up an arrangement for really good quality meals to be delivered as all that person eats is sandwiches. When he visited a couple of weeks later, found all those expensive meals in the rubbish bin!!!!

I do understand the problems of taking away rights of someone about deciding what is best for them, but it can make life very difficult for caring relatives, etc.

It is sad, as I have seen several people hide round corners or rush through a door, when this man comes into any of the public areas of the flats.

notgran story reminds me of a time when I was asked to make tea and coffee for a meeting. I was working in a different department but was the only female on that floor. I listened attentively while it was outlined that I would be expected to make tea or coffee as required, clean up the room after the meeting and then wash the crockery used. After all that had been outlined I just said "no".

My "lack of co-operation was reported to the manager and I was called into his office to "explain myself"

I pointed out that the meeting had nothing to do with the department I was working in and in any event nowhere in my contract did it say I was to provide such services, I then went on to suggest that as they were all adult males they should be capable of making tea and coffee for themselves.

The manager looked uncomfortable, cleared his throat and said "I see what you mean". Nothing more was said and I was never asked again!

A few years ago I stopped going to an organisation for older people which I really enjoyed because another member latched on to me once she found out I had a car. She bombarded me endlessly with phone calls for lifts, and even got me to pick up other friends of hers as well. After a particularly horrendous journey through town at rush hour, taking various friends of hers home, I decided enough was enough and resigned from the organisation.
And the most amazing thing was, a couple of years later I joined a Tai Chi class, and the first person I saw when going there was the lady mentioned above. But the real shock came at the end of the lesson, in the car park when I saw her get into a very nice car and drive herself away!! She had a car!!!
I don't let anyone take advantage of me now.

Inefficient relatives probably are inefficient . If a kind person wishes to be helpful they need to limit what they do to what seems to them to be needed i.e. the minimum to maintain life and sanity.

My late friend had another friend, a helpful next door neighbour, a retired lady who limited her once a week sociable chat to one hour every Sunday and kept the arrangement going until my friend died in hospital.

eazybee can no-one step in to say they won't allow the person to be taken advantage of, in that way?
To make the relatives take the baby back after the service?

Interesting about the remote family member being resistant to the idea of a care home Franbern.

I think greed for inheritance of the house sale money is the reason my aunt's friend's daughter hasn't taken any action. Her Mum is being left in her home on her own to cope with vascular dementia and she phones my aunt at all times of the day and night. It's been over a year since the Mum/daughter estrangement ended and contact re-established. The daughter told my aunt she was taking her Mum back to live with her on the mainland, it hasn't happened.

In our block of 25 flats, we have several very elderly people. Our voluntary committee likes to feel that we can offer some assistance, short term, to anyone here. So, someone is unwell or just home from hospital, we are happy to pick up prescriptions, pick up the odd loaf or milk for those first few days.

We have to make it very clear now that this is done by individuals, and we are not a 'Care Home'. Whereas, the majority accept such assistance in this manner, there is always the one or two who seem to accept it as their right and then make more and more demands.

There is one who is very lonely and would get one of us to his flat on any pretence and then we would find it virtually impossible to get away. Cttee member would be telephoned under any manner of excuse, usually for things nothing whatsoever to do with them. There is a family member who is very sympathetic, but lives too far away for often visits. Suggestions to that person would be so much happier and better off in a Care Home, where they would have the attention and company they crave - are always met with total opposition by them.
So, we, the cttee members have had to get quite hard-hearted and strict with this person. Feel bad about this, but it really has been the case of 'give an inch.......' etc.

There are always those that rush to help and those that will put upon others, quite ruthlessly. I saw it happen recently within a group of close friends. One is organising what is clearly going to be wedding of the year; no children are invited but a cousin 'didn't realise' and is coming with a 14 month old; did anyone know of a babysitter who could look after the baby during the wedding?
Up steps the fall guy (not me); over seventy, serious medical conditions and in pain waiting for a long deferred operation. It transpires the 'wedding' comprises the service, the wedding breakfast, and the evening do until 11.30pm, in fact , about a twelve hour shift. The parents and grandmother will graciously take charge during the two hour break before the evening starts. The friend thought she was supervising the baby during the service only but having agreed, won't, being very conscientious, back out: 'I can't let them down'.
I suggested the bride contacted the local college course where they train nursery nurses and pay a trainee for the day, but somehow they didn't hear that.

biglouis I'm glad you did the assertiveness course because I was aghast that you got involved with the neighbour a second time.

I twice gave an older neighbour a lift to the local shop (in the countryside, shop about 3/4 mile away) although I knew her husband could drive and her daughter's family also lived close by and hated us and had a car.

The 2nd time, I noticed that her carrier bag was clanking and seemed to be all bottles.

The 3rd time she phoned, I said she should ask her daughter for help, not me.

Well done, notgran.

Learned incompetence biglouis. My brother is a past master at it.

Love the story about the coffee! Men use this technique all the time to get off with doing their share of housework.

I agree dogsmother it's just as important to be able to say 'no' as it is to say ''yes'.

I went on an assertiveness course once and the first thing we did was to learn to say "no". We also learned how to respond when someone accused us of being "selfish".

"I hear what your saying but I also have the right to consider my own needs and on this occasion I intend to do so."

There are also some wonderful Mumsnet phrases:-

"That doesnt work for me so Ill leave it with you"

"From xx I will be stepping back from yyy"

and my favorite conversation closer:

"Ill have to make a charge for that. Let me think about it and ill get back to you with a price."

Never yet had anyone come back and ask what my price was.