Running around after an elderly neighbour

Hithere

Miss A

One thing is sparing 10 minutes, I agree.

Something else is keeping an individual I denial that he/she can manage living at home by themselves.

If you need 10 min help once in a while, no biggie

If you need 10 minutes from different people every day, you need to realize you need to hire help instead of taking everybody's time from granted

Agreed.
I well remember dh’s aunt, when younger and still perfectly capable, saying (after helping a neighbour with something)
‘I’ll do it once, but I’m not getting involved.’

A whole different matter when she was the one needing help - and refusing to pay for it.

I'm just declining to dance

I like it!!

Callistemon21

Ailidh

Biglouis, I love the drains and radiators analogy.

It was me who said that!
I learnt it on GN so can't claim it as an original.

Oh, sorry for the misattribution!

I've been in a friendship with a drain for 37 years, and it took me 35 to realize it.

As the Cosmic Jester would have it, we now live in the same flats complex. With a common room.
She moved in about 6 weeks ahead of me.
For my first 3 weeks she ignored me.
In week 4 she began beckoning imperiously to me across the room. I declined.
She is now ignoring me again, from week 5.
It's now week 7 and blissful.
I haven't told her to shove it, I'm just declining to dance. I wish I'd done it sooner but I'm rather enjoying now.

Miss A

One thing is sparing 10 minutes, I agree.

Something else is keeping an individual I denial that he/she can manage living at home by themselves.

If you need 10 min help once in a while, no biggie

If you need 10 minutes from different people every day, you need to realize you need to hire help instead of taking everybody's time from granted

biglouis

*more than likely you will be unable to remember at any given moment that there’s actually anything wrong with you*

What a silly think to say!

There are numerous online tests to enable individuals to determine whether any symptoms they have is normal "age related" forgetting or dementia. I occasionally cannot recall the exact word I want but I can think of alternatives or use the "synonym" function in google to find it.

One of the problems of failing memory is that patients doesn't remember that they have it, so they believe that their memory is perfect. If you don't remember that you had various symptoms, how do you look them up to see whether they are "normal"? And how do you remember the synonyms for what it was you have forgotten - they may have evaporated along with the name of the forgotten thing that they are synonyms for?

If everyone did just a little to help people who need it, it wouldn't end up overwhelming one person.
We can all spare the odd 10 minutes, unless we're having a crisis ourselves.

“No good deed goes unpunished “ is something a friend said to me, after she fell and broke her shoulder whilst drying the neighbour’s towels! I had a car crash while driving a friend to pick up her cat from the vet’s !! Food for thought….

In my work (with homeless people) I try to set clear boundaries with both the clients and with other agencies. I find the expectations of the former are sometimes more easily managed than the latter!

People don’t generally try to take advantage of me. My problem is that I’m surrounded by genuinely needy people who often have literally nobody else to turn to. They’re usually very appreciative of any little thing I do and wouldn’t dream of asking for more time than I can spare. I just wish I could clone myself, but I’m finally getting more volunteers to work alongside me.

There are large trees in the business park which runs behind the properties. This was another suggestion my handyman made. The property was built in the 1980s when they were still using the old pottery pipes rather than the plastic ones of today. These pipes can crack and as you say trees are attracted by the moisture. A camera survey would have revealed any problem of that kind.

Has she got trees?

We once lived somewhere where a neighbour's tree roots went for their drains and soakaway and blocked them.

Ohhhhh dont mention the drains!

She is constantly wanting to send around plumbers and accusing me of blocking the drains. I have a plumber/handperson and he says the biggest culprit is fat/oil/grease with which groups like NDN cook. I dont believe she is carefully collecting the spent oil into a plastic tub and putting it into the landfill bin. More likely throwing it down the sink or loo where it solidifies and congeals into a mass, attracting lots of other things to it. I dont even own a chip pan. Not do I put silly things like wet wipes down the loo as none of them really dissolve.

Two weeks ago I watched on the cctv as 5 men from the utility company jetted out her drains and removed several buckets full of black gunk. Then they did a camera survey of the lateral drain that serves the entire row of houses. I would be very interested to hear what they found but had no intention of going out to ask with my NDN hovering around. I hope she got on their nerves as much as she does mine.

Ailidh

Biglouis, I love the drains and radiators analogy.

It was me who said that!
I learnt it on GN so can't claim it as an original.

Biglouis, I love the drains and radiators analogy.

One of the reasons we moved house was to get away from a neighbour who was fit , had a car, plenty of money but I think was lonely. He could spot us sitting in our conservatory so would come round for a chat. He expected lifts to the airport and to be met when he came home having flown to see his daughter but the only time we asked him to do something he refused as she would be on holiday with him and they did not know what their plans were. We were so good to him for years but it gor too much and was intrusive.

Exactly!

The son is smart and realistic with the current situation

The danger of neighbours and friends helping is giving an unrealistic picture to the caree.
This enablement is actually making the situation worse.

Opelessgran, but what is the son supposed to do, if he lives in Europe and his mother refuses to pay for care?

As my dh did for his aunt, you can arrange carers until the cows come home, but if the caree sends them all away, with whatever excuse because she just doesn’t want to pay (Too loud, too ‘common’ were two that the aunt used) what are you supposed to do?

IMO if people who need care can afford to pay for it, then they should, and not expect family with (so often) busy lives, to step up.
I’ve already told dds that I will never want or expect them to look after me.

I’m quite sad now reading through this thread as some people do need help now and again and kindness goes a long way. There is a world of difference between being taken advantage of by not being able to say NO and offering kindness to someone in need.

My NDN has the signs of early onset dementia. She has always been a needy whiner. Now when you try to have a conversation with her its like talking to a tape recorder. Except that a tape recorder has a marginally more sense. The conversation goes round and round. She doesnt take in what you say to her and just continues to whine and repeat what you just said. Then after a while because she isnt getting what she wants she becomes very aggressive and starts to shout. She bullies her husband and her children when they come to see her. I feel sorry for them but they are of a culture where everyone runs around "serving" the matriarch and making allowances.

She has developed an OCD about bins, rubbish and drains. One day she went berserk when a passer by dropped a cigarette packet into her bin which was out on the pavement for collection. She is always accusing me of blocking the drains and sending plumbers around. Then she gets angry when I dont answer the door. I know she has friends of her own ethnicity nearby and I wonder to what extent she has her claws into them. I wonder who does her shopping, collects her prescriptions, and so on

Certainly it will never be me as I am determined never to get "lumbered" again.

more than likely you will be unable to remember at any given moment that there’s actually anything wrong with you

What a silly think to say!

There are numerous online tests to enable individuals to determine whether any symptoms they have is normal "age related" forgetting or dementia. I occasionally cannot recall the exact word I want but I can think of alternatives or use the "synonym" function in google to find it.

When my mother in law became housebound I was doing all her shopping. The list was the same every week and woe betide me if I bought the wrong brand. She included things like blocks of Fairy soap (which I didn't even realise you could still buy) which she used for hand washing her knickers. She refused to use debit cards or direct debits, all her bills had to be paid at the Post Office. "Next time you're in the Post Office" she would say - I was never in the Post Office unless I was paying her bills! Thank goodness we eventually got power of attorney and I could do everything by cards and direct debits. I don't think she ever grasped the fact that I could just walk up to a machine and cash. Had to keep on with her weird shopping requirements until she went into a home.

I am the daughter of my 87 yr old mum, who I think takes advantage of her neighbour. The neighbour takes my mum shopping, cleans her flat for her and other numerous everyday tasks. I sometimes wish this friend would step back although I am also grateful.

biglouis, I'd never get into that situation in the first place. I don't offer help unless I'm happy to do it. I could advise and direct people to local sources of assistance - but that's about it.

I'm cross with my two neighbours.
I will be responding in kind to the lack of help they have given me, lately.
Perhaps I'm s needy old nuisance.

Oh yes, been there with a neighbour. Was given some great support and advice on here last year about it. The final straw for me was her refusal to have the post hospital support that was on offer to her. I took a huge step back - helped also by me having an accident where I sustained a quite painful injury. She’s now got the message.

i had this problem years ago when i was 20, i was in a commitee group helping to improve the area and raise funds for a childrens group, a relative asked me to take this woman (late 20s) under my wing, she seemed nice and we got on well, but she was not very bright (sounds awful) i was married but not working, she started turning up at my house at 9am and staying till 10/11 at night, i was expected to feed her and her daughter, then her husband lost his job and he started arriving at lunchtime expecting to be fed, they would bring there washing and she would be adding things to my shopping. the final straw was when i got a job and they asked me for a key so they could come round to my house and do there washing and play on my husbands game system, when i said no her husband went to hit me, he missed but i called the police, she moved away when her husband left her, i saw her a few years later, she was hooked up with a drug addict and her little girl went into care, i felt guilty after seeing her but i had done enough. i think because of this i have never had any close friends and now i am in my 50s.