*Will I be made Homeless if mum dies*

Of course men can care for women, Hithere but we're talking about a mother and son.

when you have to vacate your mothers' property
But that could be a very long time, Munkee.

When you leave your present home you will get your deposit back and whilst living with your mum your expenses will be far less meaning you will have savings to get yourself a new place when you have to vacate your mothers' property.

stay where you are, if you have to vacate your flat apply to housing associations in your area straight away. enjoy your independence 80 miles away.......after having that independence it would Not be good for you to be under same roof as your mother

you certainly would NOT be able to take over tenancy.....That loopwhole was closed some years ago!

Speak to your local Age UK. This must be a problem they advise on frequently.

I think, munkee, that the answer is unambiguous- yes, if you move in with your mother, you will become homeless at some stage in the future, potentially when you are less fit/strong yourself. Your mum needs to hear this for you and she to make an informed decision. You are a kind man, clearly, but must think hard headedly about your own life over the years to come - and it's not just about accommodation.

Care for her, sorry

I agree ! But being a man doesnt make him unsuitable to care for him

If op was a woman, I doubt the comment would come up

It's not gender stereotyping Hithere. It's about the relationship. Would munkee want to carry out intimate care for his mother, and indeed would she want her son to do that? Would you be happy for your son to wash you, dress you, take you to the loo and clean you afterwards?

GSM

Your post is on point except for him being a man

If a woman can be a man's carer, a man can also do the same for a woman

Let's not fall into the sexist trap of gender and stereotyping roles

You sound like a very caring loving son munkee, but what GSM says is true.
Please think carefully. I know you love your mother and want her to be happy, but you are important too.

As others have asked, do you really want to be your mother's carer and would you be any good at it? It's not a task to be undertaken lightly, especially as it will involve you giving up your job and moving back home at the age of 56.

It would be best if you could persuade your mother to move to an assisted living flat with a warden etc. I'm sure her council would be amenable to this as it would free-up a much needed 3-bedroom house for a family.

Just some random observations and thoughts:

It seems pretty clear that your Mum won’t be persuaded to move to a 2 bed place where you could be a joint tenant (obviously the one bed suggestion above is totally unworkable), and that if you move into her present home with her you will have to leave when she dies or goes into a home. The council may rehouse you or they may have no acceptable accommodation suitable for a single person so that’s a huge gamble.

You say you live 80 miles away and you are going to have to find somewhere else to live before long. Your landlord is probably hoping that you will move without the expense of her serving notice and going to court but unless you have found another suitable place in the meantime don’t move out until the landlord has obtained a court order and the bailiffs are due to turn up.

You don’t mention work. Do you have a job? Would you be able to find another if you moved away from your current area? Would your mother expect you to stay at home with her all day? Or are you reliant on benefits?

Do you have friends in your current area, a social life that you would have to leave behind if you moved? If you moved in with your mother would she want you to be there all the time to keep her company, thus making you become very isolated?

Do you actually want to become your mother’s carer? And is that really practical as you’re a man? Would either of you be comfortable with your undertaking some quite intimate care as time goes by? Taking your Mum to the loo and cleaning her afterwards for instance? Even if she is able to get carers to come in a couple of times a day for washing and dressing when that becomes necessary, you would have to deal with night time care. She will over time only become less mobile and capable and could live for another 20 years. I wouldn’t even want my husband undertaking my personal care, let alone my son!

I’m afraid this is really just a lot of questions but you probably sense that my advice would be to find alternative rented accommodation in your present area, not to move away and live with your mother. You are relatively young whereas, sorry to be blunt, your mother has had her life and is thinking only of herself and what she wants. She’s not thinking about what is in your best interests so that’s what you need to do, because nobody else is going to. You owe it to yourself to live the best life you can, not to become an elderly woman’s carer and find yourself when you are her age homeless, friendless and living in poverty. Your mother could, but won’t, move into sheltered accommodation or a home. That’s her decision. You are not her only source of help and companionship.

munkee

thanks Shinamae, Im her Son though lol

Whoops! ? sorry….

My brother in law had always lived with his parents who were really his carers as he had a long standing health condition. When my father in law died the tenancy passed to my mother in law. However when she died my brother in law was given notice to leave the house. He had lived in it all his life and was completely distraught by the council’s decision. He was told they would offer him alternative accomodation in view of his poor health but he was insistent he did not want to move. Whether the Council did not want to be seen as heartless we don’t know but they did after more than a year agree to his taking over the tenancy of the house although as it was a three bedroom house he then became liable for the “bedroom tax”. Sadly within a very short while his health declined rapidly and he moved into a nursing home and sadly passed away soon after. From his experience I would think it unlikely that you would be offered the tenancy but please check with your mother’s Council before you make your decision.

This has red flags all over

1. Beggars cannot be choosers.
Your mother has to compromise and make it work
Having good memories in a home doesn't mean you stay there till you pass away

2. You come from a dysfunctional family - this may open the door for a family rift in the future

4. Your mother cannot depend on you to have company, health care, etc
If you become her crutch - what's the impact in your life? You deserve to be happy too

I see you are willing to set yourself on fire to keep her warm.

Who is going to help you after spending time with your mother and she no longer needs you and you need support?

I have a bad feeling about this

You're in an unenviable situation.

I think your biggest problem is going to be the fact that your Mum is unwilling to move. But at some point, she's got to face the reality of the situation - not least because of your welfare.

I believe you should think about what you want for the future - you're obviously going to have to move. Are you happy to move, with your mother, to another property somewhere? As others have mentioned, the Council might be willing to downsize your mother and you along with her as you are about to be made homeless. If this is what you want, then I agree with Casdon - contact Citizens' Advice before you make any other move to get a perspective on your options.

You can then contact your mother's Council's Housing Department and tell them that you intend to be your mother's live-in carer and that you are about to be evicted. You might not feel compelled to tell them that, but it's possible they will ask you some questions about your current situation, so I think it's best to be honest.

Before you can make any decision, you need to have factual information in front of you as you can't make any decisions until you know what your options are.

I wish you good luck - and your Mum. But I'm afraid she'll have to accept that to have you with her, she might well have to move. If you explain the situation to her carefully, she might understand that she can't put you in a position of future uncertainty, leaving you, once again, at the mercy of a landlord - albeit a Council.

thanks Shinamae, Im her Son though lol

munkee

Thankyou for the responses some very interesting points and ideas for me to think on, I think the idea of mum moving to somewhere smaller for us both is a great idea and I have thought about it myself, the problem with it though as im sure you may guess is mum!! it has been discussed [sort of] in the past in a different conversation but all her good memories are there, my brothers a sister were all brought up that house the happy xmas dinners she used to do, her mum & dad the whole family would be there. because of the family tragedies we've had i think sometimes those memories of happier times when she had all her family around her is what keeps her going, mums life has changed so much, and she has become very withdrawn. mum has had a very hard life for various reasons sadly i dont think i would be able to prise her out of that house lol. i just want to try an make her final years as happy as i can. but again thank you for the many suggestions food for thought.

Your mother is a very lucky woman to have you as a daughter ??

I have very recent experience (2 weeks ago) of someone who had lived with their mum and is now 60.
Mum died, and the council have given them a little extra time to do it, but are quite clear that they need to vacate, as the line of succession finished with their mum, and the council have no obligation to house them.

do not leave your flat without a court order.
and that will take a while.
if you do, you will be considered to have made yourself voluntarily homeless, and be in a much more precarious position.
good luck.

Hi nadateturbe, thanks for replying.
I do have a brother who has always got better things he needs to do when asked, and my sister does help somewhat but usually always ends up causing more problems. I sadly have a very dysfunctional family. it sounds incredible nadateturbe but my sister actually gets jealous if i do things for mum and tries to do something to prove that she should be my mums next of kin, not me just because im the oldest lol its a crazy family

I think your mum should look at downsizing. As there is a shortage of 3 bed properties for families the council should be able to find something suitable that your mum would like. There’s a website I believe for council house swapping. Though if your mum is anything like my mum then she’d rather struggle then move!
I doubt very much if the council would let you stay - as far as I’m aware your name has to be on the tenancy agreement. I say this only because a similar thing happened to my someone I knew (he was in his late thirties) when his mother died. He was living there and caring for her but as his name wasn’t on the tenancy he had to leave. He did try fighting it but to no avail. However the situation may be different depending on which council she comes under. He lived in Canterbury.

Do think carefully about upping sticks - you need to think of yourself too. Good luck

Thankyou for the responses some very interesting points and ideas for me to think on, I think the idea of mum moving to somewhere smaller for us both is a great idea and I have thought about it myself, the problem with it though as im sure you may guess is mum!! it has been discussed [sort of] in the past in a different conversation but all her good memories are there, my brothers a sister were all brought up that house the happy xmas dinners she used to do, her mum & dad the whole family would be there. because of the family tragedies we've had i think sometimes those memories of happier times when she had all her family around her is what keeps her going, mums life has changed so much, and she has become very withdrawn. mum has had a very hard life for various reasons sadly i dont think i would be able to prise her out of that house lol. i just want to try an make her final years as happy as i can. but again thank you for the many suggestions food for thought.

I think you need to think this through very carefully. It's a huge commitment. Do you not have other family members who can help.