Leaving home of 30+ years how would you cope?

Think of it as a new beginning, the start of your new life. If you are divorcing there must be unhappy memories as well as good ones. Save the good ones and put all the bad ones in the house!

I too moved in my 60s after 30 years, the first month I hated it, the separating as well as moving, after that month my attitude suddenly changed and I love living alone and being where I am.

I rented whilst deciding where I wanted to live and have now bought a house 2 doors down from where I rented.

Take one step at a time and concentrate on now, forget the past and at this time you dont know where your future will be so dont think about it.

See this move as a new start.. settle into your rented house for a few months and explore the area to see what is on offer that appeals to you.. take everything very slowly as this is also the time to heal.. if at the end of the year this house and area don't suit you then you will be able to think more adventurously.. maybe think of moving further afield.. good wishes

We moved here 7.5 years ago from our home of 27 years due to being estranged by our youngest son, and unable to continue to live just 15 doors down the road from him and our only GC.

We saw it as a fresh start mrsnonsmoker, it was a huge wrench but once we'd left the overwhelming sense of relief was huge.

I understand that for you having to make this move without your husband due to your divorce will be very hard, but if you can see it as the beginning of a new chapter in your life, it really will help.

I wish you well .

It wasn’t ever going to be anything else but an upheaval. You need to be kind to yourself and give yourself time to get used to your new life.

Do you have anyone to talk to about this? Or a counsellor?

Thank you everyone. I have posted here before (last year) that people keep telling me it's an exciting new life I'm heading to, but it isn't. I barely have enough to pay the rent and bills. I am very grateful that DD21 who is disabled can come with me, that's the best thing about this is that we can still live together and support each other (and the dog!) so I'm not being negative, but I do love this house so much. It's helpful to see people acknowledge that it will be hard.

JaneJudge I do have a counsellor who has been very good thank you. I think she'd say the same as everyone here has said. It seems like common sense, but so many people don't want to hear about difficult things, or not being able to pay the bills etc, they want to talk about divorce and moving on as a sort of celebratory event, not the sadness involved.

I've lived in my present home for 52 years, I would sell it tomorrow for an apartment but there aren't any near me. The house is bricks and mortar, the memories are in my head and I can take those anywhere.

I lived in old house for 34 years and moved here to my bungalow 5 years next month. My husband died in 2004 and with him my home as our house was just that a house not a home .

Best thing I did was move here and have a home again and live my life to the full. I. In my old house I existed after my husband died.

I love my pared down living here . If I hadn't moved still wouldn't know the 2 things I was born with as the health care here is excellent. Have neighbours that care about me and more friends than I have ever had . True friends who help eachother. Plus my daughter,son in law and 2 grandson's live near by be we lived independent lives . But see her and my grandsons every week.

Even my son deciding 4 years ago to dump me as his mom hasn't made me regret for a second moving here. He lives 40 mins away with his wife and my 3 grandson's.

After my husband died I had my parents and mother in law dependant on me . Until 2017 when my mom was the last to die .

I didn't realise I had lost me, moving I found me again and love the new me. The anger and rage I feel everyday over my husband dieing gets me through each day. And I love my new life.

I just want to wish you luck and a happier future x

My move was also due to divorce. Fortunately, as part of the settlement, I was given the marital home, so, I was able to stay there , till eventually, I realised the house was far too big and the bills far too high. So I sold , and moved to a smaller, more manageable house.
Yes, I loved my family home and the last day of the move was heartbreaking. But I’m fine now. And I hope the same for you .

I, too, moved from the marital home which was sold, following my divorce.
I wish you a peaceful and happy future. The painful times will be behind you, soon, I hope.

Do you have friends who can come and help you sort out your possessions and help you pack? You need some support and now is the time to call in favours. Don't be too proud to ask for help; I think true friends will be glad to do something practical to help.
Not a good time but it will get better when you can see your way forward.

Yes, something similar, out of choice rather than necessity, which makes a difference - but of course you are going to be sad, unsettled and unsure. As posters have said, be kind to yourself.
Here are my suggestions, I realise that cost may be difficult, but this will make a difference:
Order a pile of clear, strong plastic boxes (Big Dug ) - or ask on FB / Freecycle for cardboard boxes. You can also ask for newspapers & packing material - we are often donating to neighbours who are moving.
At least 100 large (rubbish bag size) strong clear plastic bags
Labels - the kind with string - and large sticky ones
Sharpies in 4 colours and an extra black.
These are all quite cheap in 'discount' stores.

Now everything you pack can be labelled and easily spotted. So as you settle in to your temporary home, you can decide what to use, what to leave in boxes.
You will get a good feel for what will work for you when you finally get your permanent home, so you will be learning a lot.

If you have too much 'stuff', see if you can hire a small storage unit nearby, so you are not too cluttered, but can get at things you decide you need. If you can't afford that, ask a friend or relative for use of any space they have (I did this, they were glad to help)
this also helps in deciding what goes in to your new home and what gets sold / donated.

I can see this isn't an 'exciting adventure' but I hope it could be a 'learning opportunity' for your new life with your daughter.
Good luck!

A helpful, positive comment from Nannarose. Sometimes focussing on the practical aspects of a move helps. Is your daughter able to help with the packing? More for something to do together than the practicalities. Hopefully you will find somewhere suitable to live permanently with DD and you’ll settle into a happier place than you’re in just now. Be kind to yourself and take one day at a time. I wish you all the very best.

I lived in the large family house for 28 years and then moved to a smaller terraced house nearby, where I lived, happily for the next 16 years. Had given my ex-hubbie a 50% share of this house in order to persuade him to sign the paper allowing me to sell the family house. Then he got himself into some financial problems and demanded that I sell that smaller house so that he could have half of the sale price. He had never lived in that house, never contributed a single penny to its upkeep. In the time I had been there I had carried out many upgrades.

With only half the house money, I could not afford a nice flat in the same area, so decided to move to the West country (near one of my daughters). Had never lived away from that part of North East London, so this (at the age of 79 years) was a very large, and totally irreversable step

I know my eldest daughter was concerned, but it turned out to be one of best decisions I had ever made on behalf of myself in my lifetime. Despite moving just a few weeks before lockdown, I have settled into my new town extremely happily and love, really love my wonderful flat.

Yes, it can be a chance to re-invent yourself. So to the OP I would say, try look at positives, even write a list of positives and negatives of this move, even the fact of renting for a time has its positive side as it gives you time to get to know the area and look at different properties to purchase in the future. Look up local interest groups you can join, use local bus services to get to know the wider area.

Franbern

I lived in the large family house for 28 years and then moved to a smaller terraced house nearby, where I lived, happily for the next 16 years. Had given my ex-hubbie a 50% share of this house in order to persuade him to sign the paper allowing me to sell the family house. Then he got himself into some financial problems and demanded that I sell that smaller house so that he could have half of the sale price. He had never lived in that house, never contributed a single penny to its upkeep. In the time I had been there I had carried out many upgrades.

With only half the house money, I could not afford a nice flat in the same area, so decided to move to the West country (near one of my daughters). Had never lived away from that part of North East London, so this (at the age of 79 years) was a very large, and totally irreversable step

I know my eldest daughter was concerned, but it turned out to be one of best decisions I had ever made on behalf of myself in my lifetime. Despite moving just a few weeks before lockdown, I have settled into my new town extremely happily and love, really love my wonderful flat.

Yes, it can be a chance to re-invent yourself. So to the OP I would say, try look at positives, even write a list of positives and negatives of this move, even the fact of renting for a time has its positive side as it gives you time to get to know the area and look at different properties to purchase in the future. Look up local interest groups you can join, use local bus services to get to know the wider area.

I'd say that with an ex like that, you deserve all the happiness you now have Franbern

We left our house of 40 yrs to down size to a smaller house nearly 3yrs ago now, I adapted straight away, but it took my husband nearly 2 yrs to get used to/settle in the house/area etc. Tbf he doesn'tikechsnge at all and slightly ocd with things. I found it a bit odd that he couldnt adapt, as I never regretted moving and he kept saying he did. Any ways he's all good now thank goodness.

If you love the house and you brought your DD up there it will be tough. Give yourself time to grieve for your marriage and your home. You will have your DD with you and people are more important than places and you've done well not having to share the dog with your exh. I know a person who really struggled with the dog spending aonth with her then a month with her ex. She missed her dog so much.

I, too, was forced to move due to marital separation after 42 years of marriage. Chose to relocate near other family, who I see occasionally. Had to reinvent myself completely. Not a natural “joiner” but did. Then a THR. Then Covid.
Difficult? At times. Living alone? Love it, but am lonely too. Happy? Not totally (miss my old life too much) but I’ve just got to get on with it. Now have a dog, which is great, but v tying. Wouldn’t be without her though. You can’t live behind closed doors and own a dog!
Good Luck, try to enjoy your independence and I hope you find somewhere lovely to make your new home. I rented at first till the family home sold and I could just afford to buy somewhere.
Won’t pretend it’s easy. It was (and still is) like a bereavement but with only half the money.

Take one day at a time
I've had several painful upheavals in my life
But life moves on
Have faith, good luck!

We bought our house from my inlaws 40 years ago and although we've done lots to it since then, brought up our two children there, it still doesn't really feel like my home so it wouldn't bother me. However it's central to everything we need in the area so will probably stay.

Had to sell my home where I’d raised my 3 kids, because of husband no2 and his alcohol and money issues in the 90’s recession ….. I was heartbroken too. I downsized as all 3 had left home, but then upsized again as they all kept coming back, revolving doors 🤣 and then the 5 grandkids all came along too. Am now a redundant Nan, as all are teenagers now and I’m living in my DD annexe after selling my home again. I do feel nomadic at times ! Son no:2 invited me to live with him in Jersey but Ive a mum in her 90’s so not the right time, however, it’s nice to have an option. I feel a song coming on “wherever I lay my hat, that’s my home” 🤣 Stay positive and make some plans on how to make your next move for a new adventure, good luck 💐

I had to do after a 23 yr marriage my dr said you have to go through a grievance even though they haven’t died but yes you move home but do you really want to stay put with every room reminder you of him. New start new life I actually moved away so I wouldn’t bump into him with his slapper but i need not have worried as it only last few weeks. I now live in a bungalow 50 miles away decorated the way I like bed to myself or grandkids lol I’m 100 per cent happy and don’t regret it one bit

My husband and I were forced to sell the flat I dearly loved because we could no longer afford to live in it, we had new neighbours, who were the neighbours from hell and we realised that even if we could battle on while we both worked, upon retirement, we certainly could not live there.

When the dreadful truth dawned, I literally sat down and wept as if I had just had news of a death, so I really do understand how you feel.

It was not an easy transition, we stored only things that had great sentimental value for us, bought a motor boat and fufilled DH's dream of sailing on the canals and rivers of N. Europe, which we did for three years.

It was assuredly not my choice, but turned out better than I had thought possible. After three years aboard a boat , we bought a house, which we both loved. DH died last November, and I have no plans for selling up again.

That said, I do sometimes still dream I am back in my beloved flat, but when I waken, I realise that it was only a dream.

Like all hard times, this too will pass, and although it does not feel possible for you right now, you will find things you like about your new home and life, once you are out of the trying emotional time of divorce and moving.

I coped to start off with by being severely practical and dealing with the sorting in three piles: stored, out, taking with me. At times I had to bite my lip or my tongue and just get on with a bad day. Usually the next day was better.

I hope you find your way through this very trying and difficult time.