Wills and fairness

Could you have a chat with your son to gauge his feelings about being left a less than even share? I don't have any experience though..

Just as a point of interest concerning your daughters condition would it be Ushers Syndrome? We have the gene in our family and an affected niece and nephew.

Please talk to your son, my father didn't and left me with a complicated mess to sort out resulting from his will.

All the best.

There are so many variables here including how much your estate will be when you die - it could be a life changing amount for one or both of your children or could have mostly been eaten up paying for care in your old age. You might not die till they're in very different financial circumstances. Given all the uncertainties I'd have a chat with your son but not to suggest an unequal split. I'd leave them half each and ask your son to take financial care of his sister as best he can when you're gone.

your daughter may be better not having capital money .I suggest leaving most to your son .

I don't see there is any other way than a straight 50/50 split. Special needs don't come into it - they are both your children.

Talk to your son about your concerns before you write your will.

If it were me due to your daughters health I would give her two thirds and my son a third to ensure that daughter has some extra monies to fall back on.

At the moment it sounds as if your daughter is managing very well with an independent income stream.
I would be cautious of leaving her an amount of money that might upset the status quo.

How can parents not treat their children equally, regardless?

if the two get on well- why not discuss how you feel with your son and involve him in the decision. That was there will be no shock or resentment when the time comes.

Being fair to children is not necessarily treating them the same. It's about their needs at the time. You know your children. I would trust one of them to to ensure that the other was looked after according to her need. Her benefit position could be affected by an inheritance. Difficult.

the clue here is the word 'fairly'. One child clearly has more need of the inheritance. We have discussed our wills with our children. Our son and his wife are, on their own admission, comfortable to say the least. While we haven't cut them out we have left the bulk to our single daughter who still lives with us. When we discussed this with them my daughter in law was surprised we were leaving them anything at all. Adult children should be able to understand that love doesn't equate to money. Do you have some family heirlooms ( not necessarily valuable) that your son would appreciate?

Lillie, in my circumstances I dont treat my children equally and never will and I certainly wont be rewarding them when I die!

Trish - I think you should leave son and daughter the same amount. Sometimes it's tricky to second guess the needs of others. You say your son is 'very lucky' buying in London but in truth he may be saddled with a heavy mortgage. Also, your daughter (not wishing to sound insensitive) may ultimately be entitled to appropriate benefits and support which, if she had cash assets, would be taken into account in any assessment. Others have suggested talking situation over with your son to make sure he looks after his sister which sounds excellent advice.

Lillie There are all sorts of reasons for not treating children fairly and the OP gives one of them. Justice and fairness are factors more important than equality.

In my own family my grandfather left everything he had, which was, essentially just the house, to the unmarried daughter who lived with him and his wife and had provided the help and support they needed in their old age. He did this with the knowledge and agreement of his ten other children, all married and with homes of their own.

However I do think, in most cases, every child should be left something. I read a very poignant article by someone who had been very successful compared with the rest of their family and she had known about and agreed with her parents decision to leave their estate to her siblings, but found herself deeply upset, when this happened. She said she realised that to a certain extent, a will is a final act of love from parents to children, so no child should be excluded. She didn't want an equal share with her siblings, but she wanted a mention in the will and a bequest along side her siblings, even if it was only a token amount of money.

We don't know how much or little we are talking about here!
BUT! Have you thought of putting some of your money, most likely from the sale of your house into a trust fund and your son and daughter can only draw off the interest each year for their life and then the same for all blood related grandchildren for how many years as stated in your will. Thus your money staying within the family and you will be helping a lot of people.

Straight fifty/fifty without question. I have 3 offspring - one is a millionaire, one is fairly poor and one is somewhere in the middle. We have left everything to them all equally in the secure knowledge that they love each other and that no one child would leave the others in difficulty if they could help. We just have to trust our children to play fair and equal shares for all is part of your playing fair.

I think the key in these circumstances is to talk to your son and also have a chat with a solicitor about setting up a trust. My two better off DCs have never minded the support I have always provided for the third.
You may trust your DCs to look after each other but they aren't the only ones involved, marriages break down and accidents can happen. Who would do the looking after then?

With no family problems and siblings sincerely attached to each other, our estate will also be split between them except - we are leaving both our grandchildren something as well. As one of our children is childless we have discussed this with both and both are happy with our intentions.

My father was very mean to my mother and to us, his two daughters. When he married and died his new wife (as is legal) had everything and although she talked of evening things up in her will and leaving my sister and I a share she actually left my dad's house solely to her daughter. That's life.

Because of her disability if your daughter is unable to work she will be eligible for benefits including housing benefits. If she does not want to join a group living scheme it may be helpful if she has a house or flat of her own.

However my parents left a house to a disabled grandchild. It was in the wrong place. He lives in a Peabody trust housing group of 6 flats for the disabled. He is the only one of the six working. should he be unable to work he will not be eligible for benefits until he has spent the extra money my parents left him through the gift of a house. The good thing is that he is not living with his parents by near them. This means that when they die he will not loose his home as he has his own. This is perhaps the most important gift that your daughter gets a place of her own whilst you are alive.

I agree with all those saying 50/50 otherwise you can foster resentment and it is almost a type of moral blackmail asking your son if it is OK, because he would feel obliged to say 'yes'.

Yes true .50/50 I agree

When I downsized I brought 2 identical buy to let properties, which are in my will to each of my two children, the remainder of my estate to be divided equally between my grandchildren. Seemed the best way of avoiding future arguments and resentment.

Speaking from bitter experience, make sure you talk to both of your children, whatever you decide. No point doing what you think is best and not letting them know what's what beforehand. Trust me, I know!