No discussion

I was not sure why this is under 'Legal and Money' then I read the sentence when he gets REALLY furious, and it is often frightening to be honest. I should have heard warning bells, a few years after I had met him - quite honestly, the longer you stay the worse it may get.

You can try just ignoring what he has put out (presumably if he takes the food out of the freezer he also cooks the meal in the evening) and cook something for yourself. Perhaps he may realise that you will no longer be a doormat and may change his attitude. Bullies sometimes back down if someone stands up to them but as long as they can carry on bullying and controlling a victim they will.

Good luck.
We often have different meals - but often on the same theme iyswim, so the same veg but he may have chips (I don't) and he may have meat and I would have fish.

Ingejones. You do the cooking but surely you must take into account what the people you are cooking for like to eat. My husband has taken on the role as cook in our house but if he wants to eat something I don't like, we have a discussion and I decide what I want, often cooking it myself but sharing the parts of what he has cooked I like.

Diddy DH loosing his temper and frightening you is another matter, Bullying. He has learnt this is a behavior that works to get his own way.You must walk away and ignore him, go out. Make it clear you will not tolerated this behaviour and he will not get what he wants by doing it. You have been rewarding bad behaviour and you have to find a way of challenging him or persuading him to get help.

Enjoying your egg and chips is the first step.

It's UDI time for you. My DH was/is exactly the same. A year ago I TOLD him I was eating WHAT I wanted WHEN I wanted it. To a greater or lesser extent it has worked out. A few early glitches when he moaned about everything which I ignored. You have to be strong minded. I plan out a few days or week at a time and make sure there's that food in. I always make sure the kitchen is tidy ready for him to do his thing. Don't let him do this to you.

I have some understanding of this as my husband is a control freak too, though not about food. It can be extremely difficult to live with someone who thinks his way is right and everyone else is wrong. I'm still with him after 40 years because, despite everything, I love him but it can be very difficult at times.

However, it would be a different story if he frightened me. Infuriates and exasperates me, yes, frequently....but you can't go through life being scared of your own husband. At the very least, please think about getting legal advice and/or counselling.

We have friends where most of the time she cooks particularly as he works odd hours from day to day. When they are on holiday they go mainly self catering and he takes over the cooking as he loves doing it - but they shop together and decide what they are having. Works well and she gets a rest from the kitchen!

Thank you ladies, I will certainly be more assertive, as one lady said, I have been rewarding bad behaviour, and he has learnt it works to get his own way, everything you have all said it very true, he is of course a BULLY, and now at 75 I think I have a right to get MY way from now on, thank you G Netters, I feel much better now.

Well done Diddy - let us know how it goes. You never know he might find he actually enjoys having you do some of the choosing!

Why don't you sit down at the start of the week and plan your meals together. Take turns to suggest something. A meal can often be adapted to suit both of you. If your husband has always been a CF then you risk an escalation if he feels threatened. Try a gentle approach first and make him see that your ideas and wants are important too.

Good grief! I'd been sorely tempted to chuck HIS choices down the toilet......Yes, he's a first class control freak.

Stop this before it starts!

"when he gets REALLY furious, and it is often frightening to be honest."
Funnily enough I read something yesterday so your phrasing hit a cord. You might like to read it and ask yourself if this is the life you wish to live:
www.telegraph.co.uk/women/life/coercive-control-how-can-you-tell-whether-your-partner-is-emotio/

I'm with bluebell.... I had forty years of my husbands control and at 62 I decided to take back my life. I retired ... took control of my old age pension ( which he wanted me to hand to him and he would return £25 a week as 'pocket money' . I thought "No" enough is enough. Thought is father to the deed Diddy1 and I then said"NO" . He screamed..he threatened... he stamped his feet ( I kid you not) . I thought he was gonna blow a gasket!! I stood my ground even as he was calling me every kind of vile name you can think of!! Then he went into his default position which has always been to sulk like a five year old!! I stood my ground even when he didn't speak one word for five days ... I stood my ground. Finially he accepted what he couldn't change and the war has been over since that day to this . I cook when I feel like it... I get pizza when I feel like it... I go where and when I want... without his OK. He's like a pussy cat and all it took was me saying'NO' to him. Some men need to learn lessons their mothers forget to teach them, that's all. Get the job done Diddy1... and don't look back to see any upset ou might cause. It's not your mess...but his!

Saggi Very, very well done. Your retirement pension is yours, paid into your own account for your use. I could not live like that. Being given 'pocket money' and having the most of your own money taken off you? No way!

You sound as if you've had years of this kind of thing? I could not live with it.

DH and I each have our own pensions and annuity income. We both pay into a joint account which covers all the bills and most of the car expenses.

Oooops, you did say you'd had years of this, decades in fact. I could not have lived like that, not for any length of time, certainly not for forty YEARS!!

How about getting the food out of freezer night before or just do a batch cook of things YOU like put in freezer and he can cook what he wants! I personally don't know how you've put up with it..If he's like this about food what else is he a control freak about???

Why are you with someone who frightens you.
Easy to say I know, but your a along time dead. A life is for living

Saggi I recognise what you are saying. My father was a violent bully towards me until I was 16 and kicked him as he approached to beat me up and I said if he touched me again I'd have him prosecuted for assault. He didn't speak to me for a couple of days but after that we got on really well.

My husband enjoys cooking and he is in control of what we eat. However he knows I like plainer food so he often offers me something different. To be honest I'm delighted that he cares enough to do the cooking. In your case why don't you suggest you cook a couple of days a week, and you will decide what to make? He can't be that unreasonable that he'd refuse.

What struck a chord with me Diddy1 is where you say you allow yourself to be controlled sometimes to avoid arguments. I do that too, mostly I see it as making valid compromises in the interests of living with someone, but my other half is a different personality and sees it more as win and lose and its important to him to be on the winning side. I do find putting my foot down hard and provoking a stand-off unhelpful because its then a very clear win and lose scenario. Subtle methods I think work better. So for example I have gone dairy free, he doesnt believe in it, therefore we cook ourselves different meals when dairy is involved and eat together when it isnt. There is no stand off and I get to eat what I want frequently enough.

Compromise and negotiation are always the best way out of any situation like this - providing the compromise and negotiation is on both sides.

Well get something out for yourself then. Youcan make a decision the more you let him do it he will.
I am sorry but I don't understand why you can't say something you can't let him control you.

Hmm mm. ....is this a wind up ???

In this day and age women are just not that subservient....in my opinion anyway.

If true.....just get out what you want and do 2 meals. End of.

Bez1989 I'm afraid your opinion is wrong. Unfortunately too many women are still bullied into subservience. Even in this day and age.

Can you say that you want to eat something different yourself and leave him to cook his own while you have your egg and chips?

If not and you really are frightened, perhaps it is time to rethink the relationship. No one should fear another person they live with.

All this talk of food. I've been on a 'juice only' diet for a week and the first thing I'm going to have when I finish is egg and chips! Back to the discussion. He is only a bully because you have been weak, Diddy1. Tell him you will choose the meals for half the week or he will have to cook for himself every day. Ask him what he will do about it if he doesn't like it. If he threatens violent, say you will call the police and have him charged with assault.

Diddy when DH retired last year I ceremoniously handed the kitchen over to him.
So DH now does the same as your DH .

I have no problem with this as I had for the previous 35 yrs (apart from w/ends) done all the the food shopping and cooking.
So now I just make bread a la GN and bake when the mood takes me.

My biggest bug bear was being woken up at 7 o'clock in the morning with
"And what do you think we should have for tea tonight"?
Grr!