Dividing up family treasures

My SiL has already stripped my Mil's house of everything including jewelry (MiL is not dead yet but in a nursing home), Yes, theoretically, as she is the only daughter, then it would be nice if she wanted a special item or two, especially some of the jewelry which was of some value as it did belong to her mother, but she did not suggest that any of it should be sold (in the future) and any money from the sale would be divided between her and my husband (only son and brother) or that any item could be given to each of our daughters (only girls/granddaughters) in the family).

I'd let the people in question choose one thing and then sell the rest and divide the monies.

I don’t understand why so many relatives have access to the deceased’s property. They surely can’t all have keys. No one should be allowed in to “clear the lot”. Is it not up to the next of kin or executor about who comes through the front door?

Grannynannywanny & NotSpaghetti thank you for your kind words.

Reading these posts makes me glad I'm an only child. DM is 91 so the time will come when we (DD & myself are Executrix). I already have a large silver (Sheffield Plate) tray which I bought for my Parent's Silver Wedding Anniversary & I have asked for a baby plate which DM used for me, DD & DGS1.

DD is to have silver mostly silver plate sugar sifter spoons.

DiL has been bequeathed a sampler.

DM has said everything else is to be sold, she has made a Will & also bequeathed some small items for a close friend which are already kept separate, I know what they are & who is to receive them.

DD has two DS, depending on their age when DM dies they may want a memento.

When my mother died my brother came to the house, picked up a silly red bean filled frog draped over a vase and said "This will remind me of mum - sorry - I can't handle this" and left!
My aunt came and "helped" me but in so doing, she ended up with a lot of things I would rather have kept, but I was so grateful to her for being there I just let her have whatever she fancied. Later, when she died I left it for a while, then wrote to her husband and asked for a couple of things but never got any reply. The moral of this story is therefore to ask your family what they want, or make it known what is going where before the event! That said, if you are the next of kin and legally entitled to everything then it should be up to you to distribute items to people as mementos as you think your mother would have approved.

The sad thing about my MIL was that when everything was cleared and taken by my SIL, the mother hadn’t died, she had been put into a home with Dementia and the house was cleared out within 3 weeks.
My DH didn’t want anything to do with it , he thought it was going behind his Mums back. She died 10 days ago, so she never knew anything about it, but I’m pleased with her kitchen knives that no one wanted and some family photos. In the end , she wasn’t my Mother so it’s up to her Children to sort it out, I’m sorry that my ACs and GCs didn’t get a memento though.

PS. Maybe they will find a will has been lodged somewhere and they’ll have to divvy it all out!

Why are you worried about the family now? She's your mother. You and your siblings should decide what you want and whatever is left can be spread out amongst the rest.

I am feeling a bit guilty that I have kept so much rubbish because it belonged to my parents, or grandparents, or aunt.
I never liked to throw out other people's treasures, so am afraid I might pass on the guilt to our children, who will think they were precious to me!
I must harden my heart and have a clear out while I can

Itemise everything. When my uncle died the vultures swept in a ransacked everything. Only the rubbish was left

Hi. When our dad died, me, my brother and sister just took it in turns to say what we wanted, so we didn't have any problems.

EMMF1948 When my husband died I passed on his clothing to the local charity which helps the homeless, and they were delighted to receive them. They also accept clean underwear and socks' Perhaps you have something similar in your area.

When my MIL died my OH being the only son asked our 3 AC what they would like. After that the jewellery went to my DD and DS1 had a novelty cigarette box. DS2 didn't want anything. I then took photos of all the ornaments and small furniture items and sent them to the 3 DC to see if they wanted anything. The rest we sold or donated to charity shops. She didn't leave much as most of her expensive jewellery had disappeared from the house. Her only visitor was her friend and neighbour who found her deceased. She used to give her presents for caring for her so presumably it went to her. We didn't ask. Lots of shopping receipts were not showing the goods in her cupboards either. She also went half on a shared expensive carpet shampooer too which wasn't there either.

When my great-grandmother died her jewellery was laid out on a cushion and female relatives, I think in order of closeness of familial ties (daughters, granddaughters, great-granddaughters, nieces/great-nieces etc) were each able to choose one item - I was quite young and have no idea what happened to the bulk of her 'estate'...my sister chose a small cameo pendant and I had a brooch with a stone missing, because although it was costume jewellery with no monetary value I thought my great-grandmother probably wore it a lot (I still have it).

My nan left little of value and therefore her will was simple. My uncle (her only son & her executor) and his wife wanted nothing, same for my mother (her only daughter). I have a couple of boxes of her favourite ornaments, a couple of brass vases and her vinyl records. If my mum, sister or brother wanted anything I'd happily pass it over/share. My uncle had house clearance firm in for everything else. During nan's lifetime I had her engagement ring and a watch in my possession but my nan had always told my sister she'd get her jewellery as they would play dress-up together...Although I have written a will, I didn't see why my sister should have to wait for me to die to get these 2 pieces, so gave them to her, as nan wanted. She did have at least one other ring (with a fairly large stone) and we don't know what happened to her wedding ring either - we suspect 'carers' stole them (as they stole other items, including food and the fish from nan's pond!) Lots of posts have good suggestions to make things fairer - it is such a shame families end up divided over unfair distribution or the dreaded 'vultures' - even when, like me, you have little or nothing of monetary value it is important to discuss your wishes with nearest & dearest and to write a will - can avoid potential family fall-outs while they are also grieving.

@BoadiceaJones, my condolences, and I hope you find a way to sort this out to everyone's satisfaction and that you have something treasured from your mum's possessions/estate to go with your memories.

The following situation shows how important it is to be clear in these matters.
My brother’s wife died two years ago without making a will but probate granted to him and he has furniture and paintings, some valuable, which her two sisters say they have a part share in as they were left with my brother and wife when her mother’s large house was sold, This was fifty years ago, it should have been dealt with at the time. They say there was an understanding but there is nothing in writing and he believes possession is nine tenths of the law after all this time. He is not moving house. The sisters had no room for all the stuff, some big items. My nephews will be left to battle it out possibly. What do you think?

holly I think that if something has been in his house for 50 years then he is correct. If the sister had wanted the others to have the paintings after her death then a will should have been left . I don’t see that the nephews would become involved, your brother is right, they should let it go.

Unless of course your brother knew that the items were in his house for safe keeping? them he should hand them back, otherwise it is morally wrong.

Very tricky, and potentially can lead to family feuding. When my Mum died, it should have been simple. She had written down (not in legal format), and regularly told us (3 daughters), exactly which pieces of jewellery we should have on her death. She also made it clear what should be given to grandchildren and great grandchildren (she had a lot of jewellery).

In the end I didn't receive anything except for one ring, all the rest either Paste, or junk jewellery. I found it hurtful but I wasn't surprised. As it happens I wear Mums ring every day. With pride.

As others have mentioned: when someone dies, the vultures descend.
Be prepared to see the worst in people, and to re-access your pre conceived ideas of people's characters.

My mother left quite a few valuables from the family to be shared among us four sisters. They had to be valued for probate, so we knew what each item was worth. Each of us had a sticker to put onto anything we wanted - one by one, taking it in turns. The value of what each sister had picked was added up, and deducted from the quarter share of the money that our mother left. Everything else was sold and the proceeds equally shared.
We never fell out, and those of us who needed money more than things got their share fairly.

I was fortunate when my mother died as I am an only child so I sorted everything. It was a different story when my MIL died as her sister swept through the house like a dose of salts and laid claim to nearly everything. In particular there was a vase which I had bought for her and I wanted it back and my husband's aunt denied all knowledge of having taken it, I did get it back. Also there was some kitchenware that had vanished which we eventually found in her sister's home. I did manage to keep the sewing machine as I knew of another family member who wanted it.

I had a great aunt who was born out of wedlock and because of that had a hard life. She was not allowed to sing in the church choir for example because of this . In her latter years my mother was very good to her doing her shopping etc. and was promised that M would leave her her house. When she died suddenly and a will was found and she had left everything to the war blinded . My mother could not have card less but some of the family gathered in the deceased house to pick a few momentos and family photos etc . This was not stricly legal and while they were going through the drawers a loud knock came to the door . Another old auntie got such a fright she nearly disgraced herself and had to rush to the toilet . Only problem was it was an outdoor one.
The reason for the knocking was a cousin who was the only relative named in the will and he had come to collect the granfather clock . The only thing I have from her house is the paperwork for when her mother petitioned the punative father for money . This was several years after M was born but she was the second child of this already married man . M's mother is referred to in the document as " poor " C. We never understood why this charity got her money .

Such interesting stories! Thank you!