Son just told me he’s in debt!

This has become a way of life for so many- and yes, it is very worrying. For many who work and have good jobs too, nice people, seemingly responsible people- but who live above their means constantly and say 'ah it's normal nowadays'. Don't pay it I say. But banks charge extortionate 19.9 %. The advice if for him to go to his bank or advisor to consolidate the overdraft as a loan- at lower rates- and pay it back.

Relax...take some deep breaths, and have a quiet think by yourself, until your son comes home. Don’t mention it to anyone else at the moment. When he’s home, let him get in, take some deep breaths, and relax. I know you’ll be chomping at the bit by then, but hang on. Agree on a good, quiet time to think and talk together, when you know you won’t be disturbed. Find out what’s happened, but don’t decide any plan of action until you’ve both slept on it. Then if you still feel you need help, and there’s no one else appropriate....come back to GNetters. There’s always someone who has been through the same stuff, and should be able to help. Keep calm, and good luck?

Think hard about whether its sensible go pay off your sons debts. This wont teach him anything. He needs good debt advice and suggest he contacts citizens advice for where best to go, i think they may still provide it. There are places which say they offer help but just consolidate debt, best avoid, it will never get paid off.
Try not to get too involved, it is best for him to deal with this.
I am sorry and can understand why you are upset, but uf ge us sensibke this can be sorted out and hopefully he will have learned a good life lesson.

If he is sensible....typos!

Could you convince him to go to Citizens’ Advice ( if they’re open, that is)?
They’re good at helping people work out a payment plan that they can afford by helping them look at their income and outgoings, and I think they can sometimes contact the creditors and ask them to waive the interest.
I’d say he won’t learn much if you take over his finance or pay off the debt, but if he gets help from CAB then he will have taken some control. Very often creditors are happy to come to an arrangement, as some payment is better than nothing, and they won’t be judgemental. Most important is that HE contacts his creditors, rather than hiding from the problem.
Good luck.

Sorry silverlining, crossed posts!

No problem, great minds etc Daddima.

Just come out for walk round the block
Still nauseous and trying to be normal in front of dp is hard
When I want to shout out aghhhhh

Oh and thank you ladies for suggestions
Don’t think I’ll take citizen advice payment plan it will take forever!

Will go through his money later
Exactly how much he gets
How much he owes

Aghhhhh. So bloody angry with him
He does live beyond his means, and I’ve told him more than once

What a quandary!

As others have said, of you don't take over he may well find himself at the hands of bailiffs and CCJs etc etc

I think what I'd do would be pay it off for him and get hm to set up an order with the bank paying me back £100 a week or whatever he can afford.

However, always remember you might not get it back. I've known people get into this mess.

Good advice re:Citizen's Advice but will he learn from that? You'd think so but at his age I'm not sure. Actually you didn't say what age he is? But if he's twenties I'd be more inclined to worry he'll just see that the problem is lifted and carry on regardless.

I'm not really helping much here!

I thin I'd pay it, ask for it to be paid back, tell him no more credit cards etc etc and keep my fingers crossed

Debt is a problem many of us end up in

Hopefully seeing as he's telling you he wants to do something about it and it may well put him off in future

Good luck!

It has taken a lot of courage for your son to tell you. Obviously you and he will need to sit down and make a list of why he got into debt, his incomings and outgoings. Pay the debt off and you and your son decide on a payment plan to pay you back. Ask him to keep a notebook and write down every single thing he spends money on, so that you and he can nip things in the bud before it becomes serious again. You are his mum, help him

Too bad for him if it takes forever.
He wants his mummy to bail him out instead of taking responsibility for himself.
Don't do it.

Citizens Advice are working over the phone, I think.
Tell him to call them.

Or he can speak to a bank about the best thing to do.

Don't give him your savings.

Citizens Advice, phone lines will be open, or National Debtline, Stepchange, Christians Against Poverty, all can help. Online, go on the debt board on Money Saving Expert.
There are ways forward. A Debt Relief Order may be possible.

Good idea to start by making a list of his income and necessary expenditure, and details of debts.

But if you pay it off I don’t think he will learn from this. Get advice.

just to add that your son has come a long way in that he has spoken to you. The lightbulb moment will come when he sees figures in black and white. He needs to write them dowm

Confused that you think CAB plan takes forever to pay off. Payments would be discussed and figures agreed between them if your son seeks their help.
Obviously you know him and we don’t, but he is presumably an adult so should ideally manage this situation himself with your background encouragement and support. With any luck it will be a lesson well learned.

This is his debt so do not lend him the money chances he will continue spending as before but remember this could affect your credit score and that of you DP if you all live together. Get him to contact the companies and agree how to pay them .

It’s not just about paying this debt, though, is it? He’s an adult who is squandering money on PlayStation gaming and gambling. The debt is the outcome of a problem with his behaviour. Simply bailing him out by paying the debt won’t change his behaviour.

He needs to seek counselling for his gaming and gambling. If he’s confessed to you, he’s hit rock bottom for the time being. If you pay his debt, it won’t be the last time unless he changes his behaviour. I suggest you and he look at www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/gambling-addiction/

Citizens’ Advice is a much better way to go. Having to pay off debt over a long-ish period of time will help him learn to change the way he manages money.

Floradora only the son’s credit score will be affected, unless he and his mother have borrowed money together,as it’s people, not addresses which have records . Nor is there such a thing as a ‘blacklist’.

I can understand how helpless you must be feeling, but do not pay his debt. If he has a gambling problem, 6 months down the road he will owe even more money.
I take it he lives with you? Does he pay you a fair rent for bed and board? If not then agree a new figure which takes into account all you do for him. Then he will have to manage ( possibly on even less spending money than he has at the moment) if he can’t then you have to let him sort his own mess.
You refer to him as an adult, let him start to act like one and that includes paying his way. I’m with your DH on this one, he can’t run to Mum to sort out his bad habits, if he has a gambling problem, he will take the food off of your plate rather than get help.
Been there and done it, paid off someone’s debt and sure enough 6 months later another knock on the door for more money.

Sorry clio I know how worried you are but the nature of his debts should make you stop and think. Please don't use your savings to bail him out, if the CAB route takes a long time well maybe that's a good thing. Sometimes we have to remember our children are adults and need to take responsibility for themselves.
I am a bit concerned about keeping secrets from your partner as well, I know he had an affair but this would be compounding things.
I hope things work out for you.

I'd say that tough love is needed here, Like other GNs posting, I advise that you offer to support him, but NOT by paying off his debt. He needs to learn from this. Proper debt advice and a payment plan are the best way forward. I hope this can work out OK for him - but don't give up your savings.

Clio if it seems he has a problem with gambling, there is help out there including two NHS services specifically for problem gamblers, one in London and the other in Newcastle, I see that geekesse has posted the link for you.
On the link above, re debts, it suggests contacting the National Debtline:

www.nationaldebtline.org/

Personally, I think if you paid his debts, you are enabling.

Best wishes

Stepchange is good, you used to be able to do an online budget and they would recommend which action to take to be beneficial.

I would not actually sort it out for him, that would really be absolving him of all responsibility. He needs to come up with a repayment plan, stop all unnecessary spending and live within his means. If you come in and rescue him then he will have learnt nothing and in a couple of years will just repeat. Managing finances is difficult and there's lots of temptation to spend but impulses must be controlled. He needs to look for an additional job, find things he can sell, income needs to be maximised and expenditure minimised. Support him, but don't make him dependant.