Son just told me he’s in debt!

Firstly, you don't say how old your son is? Over 18, which I'm assuming he is if he's out drinking?
Secondly, you will not be doing your son any favours, nor will be learn from the experience, if you use your savings to bail him out. So I suggest the following:

Sit down with him and work out how much he owes and to whom. Then calculate how much disposable income he has left after he's paid rent, travel costs, phone, lunches at work and any other financial responsibilities he has. What's left is what he uses to pay off his debts. Divide that amount between howeve many organisations he owes money to. That will be his monthly debt repayment. He should then contact each one of his creditors, by formal letter, and explain that he is unable to pay the full amount he owes them right now but he recognises and acknowledges his debt and he's offering to pay them £**.* per month until the debt is full discharged. Providing that the sum is a reasonable amount, his creditors will, in most circumstances, accept it rather than take legal action via the courts to resolve it. Once the offer has been made, it becomes a civilly binding agreement and the monthly payments must be maintained until all the money is paid back. If he defaults on a payment, the creditors will be able to take him to court and prove that they have already demonstrated their willingness to accept voluntary payments from your son but he had defaulted on them. The ramifications of that are that your son could well end up with a County Court Judgement against him and that makes life very awkward for a number of reasons.

If you would like to pm me, I'll give you as much advice on this as possible.

4 grand isn't so bad, I guess with AC going 55,000 into debt for uni, I'm getting used to it. We are the same as you, poor back ground and never get into debt now..... but we learnt that lesson the hard way. If you are going to help him out, do it with food etc and let him learn this lesson.

Don't wave the mum magic wand and make his problems go away.

Certainly don't let it stress and upset you.

He can fix this. Most companies will agree to you paying back what you can afford rather than risk you never paying. This also has the added bonus that they often won't let you spend with them until it is paid off.

Good luck

Don't panic

Clio51:

'I felt physically sick to my stomach'

Why overreact? It's not that bad. It's his problem, not yours. Refer him to National Debtline or Stepchange (both offer free advice).

He can learn to budget and pay it back gradually. Do not help him out financially!

catalogue, betting and football game you buy( for money) on PlayStation console

Is not the same as a university student loan; catalogues, betting shops and hire purchase agreements finance companies are considerably more aggressive in collecting their unpaid debts than university chancellors. And £4000 is a considerable amount of money if he hasn't actually got it to pay back. To avoid the problem escalating to debt collectors and litigation, he needs to act proactively now.

I agree treat him like an adult, tell him to get in touch with National debtline and sort the problem out. By all means help him fill out the forms and offer advice but no money. He needs to deal with it himself in order to learn from his mistakes. Tbh 4k isn't that bad but better he sorts it now rather than when it reaches 40k. Just be supportive and try not to judge, help him work out a budget that's realistic and doesn't leave him skint. It may well take a long time to pay it off but that's no bad thing, it will be a constant reminder for him to live within his means.

He has to learn from this which he won't do if you just pay it off for him. Get him to call Stepchange, set up a proper repayment plan of action. He must not simply ignore it. I know of several people who have lent money to a family member but the money never got repaid and the relationship between them totally broke down.

He needs to deal with this himself. If you bail him out then it will only happen again. It’s called tough love.

The problem with using Stepchange etc is it will affect him for years to come

It will make it very difficult for him to get a mortgage whilst under a DMP and other forms of credit will be hard to come by

It's not a vast amount

Personally I'd pay it and then have serious words about debt and his future.

He needs to address why he is in debt.

4k is not that bad.

If you pay out his debt, he will owe money again, maybe a bigger amount and he will run to you again to save him.

If he were my son, I would say
"Sorry to hear you are in a bad spot. I am confident you will address this and find a solution"

He needs to adult.

Thanks to everyone posting
I’ve taken on board your comments, some harsh some good.

I have contacted a gambling site for advice for ME, someone is going to contact me for counselling as it’s just as important for me to deal with as well as him
He as to do it himself, I will talk to him about this and hope that he takes up the offer.

I only had about 15 mins to chat to him after him coming from work whilst partner was out.
It broke down crying, and said he doesn’t know why he does it !
He said he no good with money, wanted me to help him long back but couldn’t because then I’d see what a mess he was in and I’d go mad at him.
He felt depressed and felt life was shit

It’s not just the money, that can be paid back no matter how long it takes. We will sort that out, I’ve got the figures now. We will go through his budget and I will try to help him budget his finances
I am not going to bail him out, as I do not want to be “Bank of Mum “

It’s just now getting time alone with him to go through it, whilst partner is out (he’s jealous of our relationship, especially if I’m talking to him)
He doesn’t have children, so doesn’t get the bond thing at all

So thanks again ladies

Hoping all goes well Clio; the advice line is an excellent start, they're very experienced in this and will help to find a resolution that suits your son and his creditors. Good luck.

Just been reading this thread, and am glad you’ve been able to talk it through a little Clio51. I would agree it’s difficult, and your impulse to sort it out by paying off the debt for him is understandable, but maybe find other ways first. I’m sure Citizens Advice would be a good first step. I don’t agree with Hetty though. Our children’s problems are always going to be ours if we love them, and it sounds like you do. Hope you get it sorted.

Tiptoeing around your partner won't be doing any good for your son, or you.

He needs to accept that, of course, you and your son want to speak to each other sometimes.

I don't suppose you want to tackle it right now, but your partner is putting unreasonable stress on you and your son by his pathetic jealousy.

We’ve managed to Pay off one of the loans saving £87 in interest
It was a payday loan
So I paid it (I know!!!, but if we manage to talk to each company and offer a final payment) we may save a few hundred, so that’s a start

He will then pay ME back, I’ve not told him it’s cash, he thinks I’ve got it on my credit card.
He will give it me back, no worries there he knows better not too.

After debt is sorted, we will go through expenditure, what he pays out
What he as left to spend. Hopefully when it’s worked out and he sees it in black & white he will realise.
When it’s payday he thinks he’s a millionaire for a couple of days

After that it’s counselling for gambling
To get him to realise, you can win money to get you out of fixes. It’s save save save

I'm glad that suits you Clio51.
I'd suggest counseling right away, for gambling and debt. Don't wait.

He'll be stopping going out and drinking, while he repays you, of course?

Thanks for updating us.

Clio, you mustn't pay off any more of his debts, he must do it himself. My brother in law and his wife have a son with a gambling problem. He went to prison for it. When he was in his early twenties, Adam (not his real name) admitted he'd got himself into debt by betting on horses. Unfortunately, BIL and SIL bailed him out by taking out a loan in their name. Big mistake. They spent years paying it back. This scenario was repeated many, many times. They thought they were saving him - it was the exact opposite. He ran up more and more debts. Eventually they couldn't pay any more and he had to face the music.

BIL and his wife realise now that if he'd faced the consequences when he's first told them, he might have learned the lesson when the debt was relatively small. He didn't.

He borrowed from everyone who was daft enough to trust him. He borrowed from his own grandmother, then gave her a bouncing cheque. He stole his brother's credit cards. He had people after him, threatening to beat him up (and worse). He was a convincing liar, his parents were taken in over and over again. He didn't want advice, he wanted money. That was the only help there was in his view.

Unfortunately, there is little support for gamblers, far less than is generally thought. Adam will not admit he has a problem , even now.

His parents cannot have him live at their home any longer. He's now over forty years old and doesn't have a bean to his name. His debt has impacted on their credit rating because for a long time he had the same address. He has basically spent all their savings for them and taken away their hopes and dreams. They've endure years of misery and upset.

Your son needs advice and guidance to enable him to repay the debts. He needs help to kick the gambling habit - which he may or may not get. But he has taken a huge step by owning up to his problem. Adam never has. He's owned up to debt but not to a gambling problem.

He needs to solve this for himself!!! You should not make it your problem and solve it for him! Otherwise, how can he possibly ever learn to take responsibility and grow up?

if your husband finds out will he quit the marriage

I’m just giving son advice & guidance
I’ve spoken to counselling advisor today from gamcare , her advice was to HELP him. He has recognised he has a problem (which she said is the first step)
He will have his own counselling when he rings them. Which he will do
I have only paid the 1 payment to the payday loan, as he’s dyslexic/dyspraxic so Finds things difficult. So I have to guide him and reiterate what I have done in layman’s terms.
I’m not going to turn my back on him, when he has come and confided in me how ashamed he is of himself for getting himself in a mess, which must of taken some guts.
We have spoke about things and he wants financial guidance from me to put him on the right track

It is dp not husband, and not son’s father. It is not Out of household account, we also each have our own personal accounts.

but if you are all living in the same house, he is going to be pretty peed off when he finds out.
i don't think anyone was telling you to turn yr back on yr son, just to be careful how involved you become in rescuing him as it can set up a dynamic that is actually harmful to him, let alone you/ your relationship with partner.
beware co-dependency.

I’m not going to turn my back on him

Clio I wasn't suggesting that and apologies if I gave that impression

Don’t pay it off for him. He needs to sort it out himself.

Too many adult children still rely on mummy & daddy and in all honesty it’s pathetic.

Clio. I speak from experience and its been hard!! Don't bail him out, unfortunately I was soft (or silly) enough to do this but honestly it never ends and they don't learn anything. Finally I've now "very firmly closed the Bank of Mom" but I have to say its been a waste of time loaning money to him because he hasn't learned. Try to be strong and firm, in hindsight I wish I'd been!! ? All the very best ?