Partner using my house, not paying

Some of this advice is worrying. You don't have to be married for a live in partner to have a claim on your house. It is complicated, it's become more 'the norm' to live together so laws have changed over the years to protect live in partners, you must get legal advice as has been said. He was happy to live with his parents for many years while being your partner then when they die he gets their money and moves in with you, tells you, you owe him and gets angry if you try to talk about regular payments - warning bells should be ringing.

You really do need to tell him to go. You do not need him causing you this stress. He can afford to find somewhere to live so I think he is taking advantage here.

I feel it's clearly his aversion to be responsible for a home. You said he lived with parents until house was sold. Hes a cuckoo in your nest. If he has money from the house sale he can rent. You are not his mother, which I feel he wants, someone to take care of everything. Totally risky having him pay money into your account as it suggests living together on a joint basis. If it was me, I would ask him to leave,if you get nastiness and objection. Well... theres your answer. A lot of people ,Male and female, will only feather their nest, on the back of someone else. Harsh, but there it is. If a person genuinely loves you, your happiness would be paramount. Think with your head, not your heart. Best of luck. X

SJ23 I agree that you should get some advice and I think you should do that before taking any action. Citizen's Advice will help, if there isn't one locally then you can phone their main advice line 0800 144 8848. Also many solicitors offer a half hour session for free or a small cost. Citizens Advice should be able to give you a list of those in your area, but will not be able to recommend one. Don't let him pay your bills as that might give him some claim in the future. Best to work out a reasonable sum to cover half the household costs and ask him to pay that into your account each month. As someone else said, if he's unwilling to do this, then perhaps it's best he moves out.

He should be served an ultimatum - sign a legal tenancy agreement, or move out - third party witness signature is usually required too, you can also seek free legal advice from CAB at the link below. If he’s not happy to sign a contract for your peace of mind, then he’s really not worth the stress, you must surely know this already, deep inside. Be firm and stand strong, rightfully reclaim your independence ! Good luck.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/

When my partner moved in temporarily due to him selling his house and me still trying to sell mine, I insisted on housekeeping money as only fair . You could tell him you are struggling financially and can’t afford the extra on council tax, food , and higher fuel bills with him living there. It’s your house and if he won’t contribute he has to leave, especially if he gets angry. Don’t live like that

Never mind if he gets angry! This arrangement has to suit you both, and you are providing him with a rent free home.
I believe legally (but please check) as long as he is not contributing to the cost of building repairs and such he will not have a claim on your property. However he should be paying half of all household bills.

PS. Please get free legal advice as it appears you are living as his "Common Law" wife.

I think there are two issues here. Firstly you need to get legal advice regarding his rights to remain in your house.

Secondly I think you are a victim of emotional and financial abuse. You can't discuss money with him because he takes a huff and gets angry. That's not the action of a reasonable man. It's the action of a financial and emotional abuser. He gets his own way by creating a situation where you feel more comfortable not mentioning something that causes you distress because to mention it would make you even more distressed. You don't need this sort of pressure.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hi SJ23 telephone 0344-411-1444 this is the number for the Citizens Advice. They will speak to you on the telephone and advise you. Hope this helps x

This sounds worrying. Why can't you charge him a set amount as a lodger? You could add up council tax, electricity, gas, water rates and food and sundries and then tell him he can pay half that amount as rent. Give him a rent book and sign each month he pays his rent. Can I ask if you have no family at all who will you leave your estate to? If it is likely to be your partner than is it worth getting upset about it? Does your dp have family he will leave his wealth to or will he leave it to you?

If he had to pay board and lodging at a hostel, he could not get away with doling out sporadic sums of money. He'd have had to pay set amounts, on time, or else he'd be booted out. So unless he does that, he's taking advantage of you.

If you get a rent book and ask him to pay a set amount every week or month, it will be classed as rent and he will not have a claim on your house

Coffeebix is a lawyer so heed that advice. Go and see a solicitor ASAP, to clarify your rights and get legal advice.

Can I just point out that any written agreement which includes the word 'tenancy' must be avoided at all costs.

If he is granted a 'tenancy' not only will you become his Landlord with all the legal requirements that entails but it also gives him many many more 'Rights' with regard to his occupancy.

He is a LODGER not a tenant.
You can draw up an agreement with him as a lodger which gives him very limited rights and no claim on your property. He must also pay an agreed amount regularly and adhere to any arrangements laid out by you.
If he fails to stick to the agreements as a lodger you can give him 'reasonable' notice to leave (usually one payment period ie weekly or monthly).

If he becomes your tenant you would have to evict him if he won't leave when you ask him to and you would have to take him to court. A very lengthy and costly process!

FlexibleFriends advice is good. Charge him rent and annotate your bank account.

Or ask him to find somewhere else. This may prompt him to offer rent or regular payments.

This doesn’t mean you don’t love him nor that you can’t see that it’s preferable sharing the household work, but if the money’s not right, you are effectively paying him to help you.

I have read through these posts, but cannot see any further comment from SJ23

that worries me.

have you considered OP that this man is a narcissist.
they target easy-going, fair-minded people like you, esp those averse to confrontation.
imagine if you had a daughter, or beloved niece or god-child who was in this position.
would you think she was being treated properly.
this is much more than a query about rents etc.
get. him. out.

I would create an spreadsheet of ALL expenses incurred in your household. Understandably, food costs can vary month by month but if you list all the direct debits etc., and show clearly how much it costs to run the household it's only fair that he coughs up half. Do not allow him to set up anything in his name either. When my OH moved in I did just the same, he has no legal claim on my house as it's in my sole name and in trust to keep his scrounging low life sons from trying to inherit when I depart this life!

I agree with SJ3

"I think having lived at home until his parents died and then moved in with you he has expected to live with you as he lived with his parents. Personally, I would tell him that two years is long enough to live with you temporally and now is the time for him to buy a property and stand on his own two feet. If he kicks up a fuss or breaks it off, you will know that he was with you merely for the domestic comforts of a settled home like that he had known with his parents."

This is immature and predatory behaviour. He should be paying his share of all day to day expenses. You need legal advice as to what constitute day to day expenses i.e redecoration of a room but not building an extension. He is sitting on his money and feeding on your good will.

You need to bring this to some fundamental decision about what you value in life and if he is part of that or not. At the moment he is a sponger. You are in the early stages of being abused.

I would say that it is time for him to move on - it sounds as if you have been in a relationship for a long time yet only when the financial situation suited him did he consider living together. And I assume that it suited you to live alone too. Go back to the good old days - it sounds as if the present arrangements are causing you more grief than pleasure...

If it were a loving, equal relationship that you both definitely want to continue and neither of you have any children, then I would have expected that you would have been able to discuss all aspects of the future, including finances.

The fact that he loses his temper when you want to discuss it does ring alarm bells. Do you have any knowledge of how much he has in savings or whether he is spending it on anything else? Have you made wills and are you each other's beneficiaries?

If I've understood you correctly, you have been partners for a very long time, but only lived together after his parents died and he didn't have his own house to go to. If you were content not living together all these years, is living together something you really want now?

Legal advice is definitely needed and a good think about what you are getting/what you want out of the relationship. Are you just friends/companions and is he taking the mickey financially?

If you feel trapped or not in control or are not sure what you want, some sessions with a counsellor might be very helpful. There could be financial/emotional abuse going on or he might just not know what's normal/fair in terms of finances having lived with his parents for so long. He might be scared to contemplate being responsible for a house either on his own or jointly with you, possibly hasn't a clue what's involved, and gets angry rather than admit these fears?

One option would be for him to buy a house and you could work out ( without any pressure) whether you want to live together all the time or not. If you do want to live together, one house could be let out. Advice should be taken on such things as whether each of you wants to leave the other their house in a will, whether either of you could have any claim on the other if you "fell out" etc.

Good luck. Take control and have the courage to have the future you want - whether together or apart or somewhere in between!

I really think GN however well meaning we all are cannot give you the answer you need. I think you need to see a solicitor to sort out what claim he would have on your house as he contributes and has lived there for many years it seems. Maybe you woyld feel more secure to accept half bills food etc if you knew your home remained your own.

this is the type of men who are simply comfortable living in this format. there are such people at 30 and at 50 and at 70. So it was most likely in their life. but the main thing is that you feel comfortable!

I also live with someone who gets angry when I want to discuss finances. People who advise 'sitting down' and 'giving' ultimatums are not helping because such men will never do this.
Getting some legal agreement made up behind his back is only going to make him even more angry. But somehow the situation needs to be put on a legal footing, so what to do?
How forceful a person are you? (I'm timid and hate confrontation) and if you're like me it will be difficult. But can you get him to come with you to get a legal agreement set up? Would he agree to that.
As don'tmindstayingathome says, don't whatever you do, draw up a tenancy agreement - he's a lodger with no rights to your home so make sure your solicitor understands that this is the reason for the legal document.
I notice you ask for comments not advice.
How upset would you be if he left you?