How to give money to adult children who are at different life stages

I do think buying a small property for DC 3 and DC 4 is a wonderful idea - if they don't wish to live in it they can rent it out and have a small monthly income. They do need to know though that they need to keep a certain amount in a savings account as they will be liable for repairs.
There are companies who deal with the rental for you and I would especially for DC 4 use on of them so he does not need to worry having to deal with renters himself.

I believe that you can take out a form of life insurance to cover the extra tax should you die before the seven years are up.

I know that you are determined to live for 7 years after giving away the money but life has a nasty habit of springing unexpected "surprises" on us (which it did for my poor Mum who died very unexpectedly). Also, I have a dear friend who did this for their 2 sons. One son spent it by moving to a larger house (they have a family); the other son bought a smaller house, got involved in a very unsuitable relationship but married her anyway; 6 years and 2 children later, she broke up the marriage and demanded the house (the son was left homeless). I would go with the suggestion of buying a rental property (maybe in a trust?) and split the rental income between the four of them. But I honestly feel you need some financial advice about all of this - I know that you have the best of intentions but it could go horribly wrong.

Your 64 you could be still here in 30yrs you don’t know what is round the corner. Ppl change relationships change. I wouldn’t be given them large amounts yet. I would have them all in my Will with equal amounts. As my sons one owns a few houses the other doesn’t but that’s not his bro fault. So why would I favour him over his bro. I love both equally.

We have a DD (45) with mental health issues who lives on benefits including disability. In a similar position to you, we helped her buy a flat some years ago. We wanted to do it with the help of a housing association's shared purchase scheme but they had many unreasonable demands: we pay all expenses and maintenance but they take "their" share of profits. Also they were very prescriptive about what she could buy.
In the end we did it alone, and she is very happy there. However there are ongoing expenses as she is useless with money, doesn't manage bills well and runs out of food.
We've decided to help her with finances now but leave "her" share of any inheritance to another DD who will take care of her finances when I've gone.
DS sounds very similar to yours, anxious, no long-term employment though he buys and sells from time to time like your DS.
Owning a property has made him more financially responsible because he likes to live somewhere nice so saves to improve his home. We do occasionally have to help him out with bills, but in general he stands on his own two feet.
One thing I would say is that getting a mortgage wouldn't have been possible for either of our two DC so we had to buy outright which is obviously problematic with the sum you mention unless the property is very small or in a relatively inexpensive part of the UK.

Please check the tax position - I'm not sure it's as simple as ensuring the 7 year waiting period - would be awful if the lost a big chunk of it in tax...

If intentions are to gift my children a sum of money then regardless of their age/status each will be treated the same.What they do with it is none of my business.

Maybe think about buying a property jointly for 3&4 and they can benefit from the monthly rental?

I should add that we gave all my DC help to buy homes. We only gave it to them for this purpose as we did not want it to be spent on anything else and all four were happy to agree to this.
Obviously if they were to sell in the future and use the money for anything else that would be their business, but to date three of them have sold and upgraded their homes.

You say one child is on benefits - surely a large gift will disqualify them from recieving some benefits such as Universal Credit ( although not PIP) and this may reduce their independence rather than enhance it, ditto income from rent ? the better off kids will only gain, the others may have to spend it to cover their loss of income. Think the Trust idea may be worth looking at as their circumstances may change for the better at some point.

We bought all our children houses when they went to University. Since then we have given them cars and sums of money.
Their reaction has been been different depending on their personalities. Buy thing We have have learnt is that once the money has been handed over, it’s GONE. . Ours are going to inherit a substantial amount of money when we die, as it can’t be avoided. So I am giving them money as we go along. But I am making sure that my husband and I will have money left to care of us, very well.
In this case, as the post isn’t particularly well off, IMO she should save her money for her care. Buy a smaller house and invest the rest somewhere securely. You really can’t expect your children to give it back when you need it. They most likely won’t.
Post, only give it away if you think that you will never in the future need it. To receive care in a reputable care home is hideously expensive. To receive care in your own home from a reputable company is at least £30 upwards an hour. It’s cheaper to get cheaper care.
We have had six old folks who needed care….and the new package that this government has introduced is not going to save a house.

Please think carefully about gifting the money to your children. Our DS bought a property with his then fiancé a few years ago but the relationship broke up shortly after they moved in, for them to stay there and him to put property in his name only we had to reluctantly step in and re mortgage our property to give him the difference so he could afford the mortgage in his name only. He got with another girl who moved in with him pretty quickly. She wasn’t good with money (neither was he before his fiancé came along) so long story short over the next few years they got badly into debt and had to sell his flat to pay off their debts with the equity. All of our money we had re mortgaged …..gone on their debt and spending. They now live in rented accommodation. In hindsight we would of never have helped him without something put in place stating we wanted our money returned if they sold! I understand you don’t want to attach strings but if any of your DC get together with a partner your money could very well end up in some other persons pocket. You can now apparently tie the money up with a solicitor where if the DC gets a partner and they then part, that partner wouldn’t get any of your DC inheritance which I personally think is a good idea. Just thought I’d float that idea.

I was alarmed and very sad to hear that the first thing the two children of people we knew did ,when their parents died was for one to buy a Porche and the other a Rangerover.
The parents had lived frugally all of their lives to be independent into old age. The husband died and later his wife developed Alzhiemers and ended her days in a home. When I think of how they worked so hard, I am sure they would have been horrified to see their life saving thrown away on depreciating assets.
In our own case my husband and I have continued to work into our seventies, we are not making any fortunes but we never want to ask our children for anything and we want to stay in our house till we die. If things go to plan our assets will be divided equally between our two children. I have however made it very clear to them that the money is to be used for property or education, whether it is to benefit themselves or their children. It is not to pay for exotic holidays or luxury cars. We have worked hard all our lives and gone without when times have been tough. We have helped them both when necessary as each have needed support at different times. They have both always understood that we would always do what we could for either of them, as and when it was needed, but it was not some sort of balancing up competition. It has tended to work out fairly evenly anyway. Anything we have to leave to them is not a 'no strings attached gift' but a continuation and duty of good financial management to keep themselves and their families safe and secure. I think until you have experienced hard times you never really appreciate the concept of having a little safety cushion of emergency money to get you through.
Both of our children are kind and considerate people and responsible parents.

First of all I'd be seeking professional advice. You could in effect live for 30 years again and you need to check that what you think will supply you with a good future life, really would. Secondly, you are in essence giving your children a gift. As such you should have no say in what they do with it. I have two children and if I was in your position, I know that one of my children would spend it wisely. the other would spend on fripperies. That still doesn't give me the right to tell them how to spend the money.

Maybe set up trust funds for DC 3&4 until they are ready to invest in property. It looks as though DC 4 will need an income if he cannot manage the stress of working environments.

I would speak to a financial advisor to make sure you are left comfortable for the future. About the family getting share, my mum had made her will so that the money would split equally between my sister and I. I was married, had my own home and no money worries, my sister rented a flat and was unemployed at the time. Just before my mum died suddenly after a fall, I had left my husband after years of controlling and bullying behaviour, I couldn't take it anymore, I walked out of the marriage with a suitcase and my dogs. I am so thankful to my mum that she had left money to both my sister and I equally and it enabled us both to buy our own homes. You never know what happens in the future.

I would suggest a family discussion first. I was able to give both my children a significant sum over 4 years ago. Each used it to help with house purchases and reduce the stress of paying large mortgages. It has been a real pleasure seeing them benefit from this gift in my lifetime. But, they received different amounts and with their agreement this is now reflected in ky will with them getting different proportions of my estate. This was all done after discussions as a family as a whole and with each vhild separately. So far everyone seems happy, but my husband and I do revisit our wills each year and make changes if needed.
The benefit of gifts in your lifetime us that any tax fee on the amounts tapers over 7 years and then is zero

One of our cousins and her husband sold their home and moved in with eldest son so he could have a bigger house and put the money in his business. She was not keen, but her husband insisted. Just a few months later, both husband and son got Covid- and both died. Son was 52, father of 3. Cousin is now stuck with DIL she has never got on that well in the past- having lost her home, her money, her independence, her life. You never, ever know what can happen in future.

Another friend did the same, and moved in with daughter, OH and family. DD died of cancer, and 15 months later he re-married to someone who was awful to her. they sold the house, and kicked her out- pennyless!

So be very careful and get proper advice.

grassgreen- I'm wondering why you want to give your money away now at this very point in time when it seems that none of your AC need/want the money right now. You're right that it may be squandered and unlike other gransnetters I think you do have a say in what your ACs do with what you give them. Otherwise what have all the years of your hard work meant to you. So as your two oldest already have property, I would keep the money for the moment unless they can identify a need to upsize or to buy a second property for holidays which would improve their quality of life. With No. 3 child I would enter into the discussion as to what s/he might do with the inheritance as I'm thinking that whilst it might provide a sizeable deposit if s/he is in a low paid job there may not be enough within the salary to afford to pay the mortgage and the natural inclination as you say may be to spend this on perishables, and with DC4 he clearly lives off you right now - buying and selling for a small income but no inclination to go out and get a regular job - what are his intentions when you leave? Where will he live and how will he finance this? Personally, I would definitely stipulate how your money is to be spent as there's no more to come - how would you feel in 10 years' time if DC3 and 4 had spent their 100K and were still in rented accommodation with no prospect of ever buying something. I would keep the money for the moment.

I inherited some money from an uncle when I was 21. I neither invested it wisely or frittered it away but, for me, it was a lovely thing to feel I had some security. I think you are doing a nice thing for your children. We can only live in the present moment. We don’t know what the future will bring personally as many stories here show or in the wider world around us where there are so many threats to our whole civilisation. We cannot guarantee safeguarding our children financially or in any other way unfortunately. Most people here will be old and see it from an old person’s perspective. But if someone did buy a Jaguar when they were young at least they will always have had the joy of that. I can understand your care for your two children who are less together, especially your youngest. Maybe giving out some money in smaller amounts to all of them at least to begin with might be a way to see how it goes. I do agree with treating them all equally and them being able to decide how to spend any money you give them themselves. They will have to decide on and bear the consequences of their decisions in every other area of life as we all do. Good luck to you all.

Please before going any farther with this talk to both a financial advisor and a solicitor. It may be possible to form a family trust rather than just give the money to your children. Doing so, would I think make it possible to decide which purposes the money should be used for.

I appreciate your point about helping your children now, rather than leaving the money in your will, but have you taken into account that circumstances might well change in the future? Being generous is fine, but leaving yourself in potential need wouldn't be so good.

Can you adopt me please ?

OP has disappeared. I’m not sure this isn’t another wind up.

Grassgreen Your plan may we be to live for at least 7 years after gifting the money in which ever form you may choose. Hope you have a good crystal ball and, could I borrow it please.

dogsmother

If you want to give them money then I don’t really think you can have any say in what happens to it. They could all go of to Las Vegas together and blow the lot ?‍♀️.
I don’t mean to sound harsh but that’s how I feel. I’d hate to feel beholden if I were your child and I’d hate for my children to feel they were being judged on what I’d given them.

this. It really insn't up to you to direct their lives. Gift or don't gift but don't judge.