My wife and I live in the USA, are both 63, have 3 adult, independent children ranging from 31 to 35. Two are married, one is single and we have 3 grandchildren. All 3 adult kids are friends and the spouses get along great.
Our oldest child and husband, owns 2 homes, and rent one. Middle child just finished college and moved back home with us 2 weeks ago, to start his job search.
The youngest is our daughter, age 31. She and her husband are the topic of my post here. They have a 20 month old child and they lived 2 ½ hours away from us for over 5 years. She’s a full-time mom, so they are a one income family. They were approved to buy their first home last Fall near where they live.
But just as they were about to close on the home, the husband was laid off, so the mortgage approval fell through. After searching for a job for 6 months, he got a great job in the same town and me and my wife. The mortgage loan company told him that if he stays in that job a min of 6 mos, they will approve his loan again.
So, since the job is close to us, they moved in with us for the six months, paying no rent or expenses, so they can save for the downpayment for their next home purchase.
We love having them live with us and we get to see our grandson every day. But now, they are ready to find and buy a home.
They have been in our home for about 5 months and they recently started looking in this city for a home to buy but found the prices in our city higher and they can’t find a home that they can afford (not many 1 income families can afford to buy a home). They were very discouraged. They had rented for 5 years and decided they’d probably be stuck renting again. I very much want to help them make the step to become homeowners, especially since our daughter and husband are trying to make it in life as a one income family.
By the way, they are very frugal, industrious, hard-working and very careful with their money. That’s another reason that encourages us to help them.
So, like many of you, we felt so much empathy we want to help them financially. And we have the money to help, too.
So about a week ago, we offered $50,000 as a gift toward the purchase of a home (I have not told them but I am willing to give them more, up to $100K, if needed). The home price range they are looking at is about $400K. They are again looking for a home to buy. We have not given them any money, but are planning to make the gift directly to the home buyer at the time of purchase (or something like that, so the gift is applied to a home purchase).
We have the money now. Why wait until I’m dead (which I hope will be 30 years from now) to give it to them? Right? They need the help NOW.
The daughter (and family) in this story is the only child now who has any financial need.
I’m looking for advice:
My question and my concern is: if I give money to one child to buy a home I don’t want this gift to ever cause any rift between our children. I don’t think it will. But – as many of us have seen in life, money can and does ruin families. I’d hate for our generosity to ever cause bitterness and division.
Have any of you have been in a similar situation?
If we do give a gift of money to our daughter to help buy a house:
I don’t think we should keep it a secret in the family. That would never work. All siblings will eventually find out. So, maybe my wife and I should meet with all 3 kids, be very honest about what we are doing to help one child (and because they get along so well, they will be supportive). And, maybe I should tell them that I am willing to help them financially too, if that day comes and if they want help. My goal as a dad is to try to continue to treat them equally.
If you have been in this situation, what’s your advice? Am I smart? Or about to make a huge mistake?
Thank you in advance friends. 
Gransnet forums
Legal, pensions and money
Gifting Money to adult child to buy home: good or bad idea?
(46 Posts)You should be fair and give each of your 3 children the same amount. I fully agree with you, regarding gifting money while you are alive. I am doing the same, but each of my 3 children, get the same amount, regardless of what their financial status is.
You say they get along well, so please don’t rock the boat. And besides, there should be no secrets.
I am years older than you. The older I get, the more I give away. Btw,I am divorced.
I agree with CrazyH. I was in exactly your situation but with 2 children. I gave the same amount to both of them even though one of them was already wealthier than me.
Totally different circumstances, but have given one child money on the understanding that the other will get the same amount out of my 'estate' before they divide the rest up when I go.
One of my siblings is in a similar situation with one of their 4 DC. He's separated and has come "home" until he can find a place on his own.
It could take years for a single man on a low income with a child to support to find affordable housing.
His parents have decided to downsize themselves, buy a flat to rent to the DS which he can afford.
This way they are not gifting him a large sum but enabling him to live independently and away from them.
Unlike you, they are very happy not to have a grown man under their roof again.
Their other DC do not need financial help now but the idea being when their estate is divided up it will all equal out.
They are both retired economists and I am not so probably haven't explained this correctly.
I have done the same as Chardy and both DDs are happy with that.
Chardy
Totally different circumstances, but have given one child money on the understanding that the other will get the same amount out of my 'estate' before they divide the rest up when I go.
So have we and have written into our will that if we haven’t evened the gift up child 2 (who has an extremely well paid job, no children and 3 houses) will get a bigger % of the value of our house when we die. If we downsize no.2 will be paid then.
One of my adult children is single and lives alone on an average income. I gifted the deposit for a house plus money for floorings, blinds and curtains. My other AC are married and they and their spouses earn high incomes.
I think you said it in your OP ..... treat them equally.
Our children all had different qualifications, different means, different requirements, but we gave equally to buy their homes. That was 17 years ago, one was just 20 years old, but now we feel nothing but relief and satisfaction with our decision. There has never been any bitterness.
The op isn’t a real person.
You are replying to an AI ChatBot.
petra
The op isn’t a real person.
You are replying to an AI ChatBot.
Yes, I agree.
But if it helps a real person reading who is in this position, it's worth a few posters giving advice.
Petra How do you know it's a bot?
Grammaretto
Petra How do you know it's a bot?
I would like to know this too, and how and why would these things be posted?
I think GNHQ has a way of sifting them out !
Chardy
Totally different circumstances, but have given one child money on the understanding that the other will get the same amount out of my 'estate' before they divide the rest up when I go.
I was going to do what you have done. But my other child said what if all the rest of my money was swallowed up by care fees there would be nothing left to give.
As others had said.. Give them the money and add to your Will a proviso that the others get their cut plus interest before anything else.
But tell them all individually.
Grammaretto
Petra How do you know it's a bot?
Just my opinion:
1. New name, don't recognise it, a bit concocted.
2. USA, always makes me suspicious, don't know why.
3. Long convoluted verging on boring post. Too much unnecessary information.
4. Perfect punctuation and spelling.
5. Addressing the reader, asking questions, trying to rope them in.
6. Thanking everyone before anyone has contributed to the thread.
etc etc
I may be totally wrong, but just a feeling!
I have both of mine a large sum to use as house deposit 6 years ago. One bought straight away and the other invested it and is now just buying.
I think it would be a shame to make them wait until we are dead when they need the money far more while in their 20s.
I have always bent over backwards to treat them the same ever since childhood. One is likely to earn more than the other.
They are both very appreciative and say they don't expect everything the other one gets but I wouldn't risk it.
If you can afford it give the 50k to each. If not I would give a smaller sum split 3 ways.
escaped
I think you said it in your OP ..... treat them equally.
Our children all had different qualifications, different means, different requirements, but we gave equally to buy their homes. That was 17 years ago, one was just 20 years old, but now we feel nothing but relief and satisfaction with our decision. There has never been any bitterness.
Agreed.
Whatever you give to one, at the same time give the others equally - make no restrictions on how they may spend their gift. No stipulations.
We have four children and when we sold the family home and downsized we bought properties for them all. When we did our next downsize we either helped them move to the next house up or (in one case) helped to pay for renovations. They've not all had exactly the same amount but I make sure that I am more generous with money to those who originally had less if they need it.
I agree that it makes far more sense to do it whilst you are still alive, people with young families have far more need of it than they will later in life. I honestly don't know if they could have got onto the housing ladder in the UK without help, our housing is so much more expensive than in other countries.
Norah
escaped
I think you said it in your OP ..... treat them equally.
Our children all had different qualifications, different means, different requirements, but we gave equally to buy their homes. That was 17 years ago, one was just 20 years old, but now we feel nothing but relief and satisfaction with our decision. There has never been any bitterness.Agreed.
Whatever you give to one, at the same time give the others equally - make no restrictions on how they may spend their gift. No stipulations.
I do disagree slightly with Norah on this. We made sure that the money was spent on property. When people are young and are given a large amount of money I think that there is a tendency to splurge a little on a nice car, a lovely holiday or some other luxurey which, in our case, was most definitely not the intention.
(sorry, type there which I don't apear to be able to edit now, obviously should be "luxury")
My advice— check out your tax position re gifting money to your children etc.
as it can be a minefield. I’m in the UK so don’t know American tax rules
CV2020
My advice— check out your tax position re gifting money to your children etc.
as it can be a minefield. I’m in the UK so don’t know American tax rules
I agree with the above. You have provided so much information and I really think you should be discussing this on a USA site, as different rules apply over there.
petra
The op isn’t a real person.
You are replying to an AI ChatBot.
Could well be right! It’s so hard to identify them these days!
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