Lending/gifting money to children

I think you're wise not to bring the subject up with your daughter, she may not even know her husband talked to you about this.

He has a nerve; just because his parents were in a position to help them (lucky them) does not mean you are, especially if it means you remortgaging. If he brings the subject up again, tell him NO and, if he mentions it again, say you will leave everything to the Donkey Sanctuary as Pigma suggested, Cats Protection or another worthy cause.
They already have a house, which is more than many other young couples have.

If it were me, I cannot keep quiet and say nothing.

Next time daughter drop hints about buying a bigger house nearer school, I replied sarcastically about spending a lot of time looking for a lovely cardboard box on Amazon, just in case you and your husband become homeless after doing what her husband suggested.

Its an absolute disgrace that your son in law treated you this way and worse that the money is mainly your partners not yourse.
The method of communication touse for this type of oppressive and inappropriate communication is known as Broke Recored
beyondtherapygroup.com/articles/personal-development/how-to-use-the-broken-record-technique-to-deflect-manipulators/

Key Takeaways

The broken record assertive method is a communication technique where you calmly repeat a clear, simple statement until the other person stops pushing back.
It works by removing the “fuel” that manipulators need to keep an argument going.
It is especially useful for people-pleasers who struggle with guilt when saying no.
The key is calm, consistent repetition without over-explaining or apologizing.
It can be used in personal relationships, professional settings, and everyday boundary situations.

The article then goes on to explain how to rehearse this approach.
Here is a quick look at how it works:

Choose one short, clear statement that describes your position or boundary.
Repeat it consistently every time the other person pushes back.
Do not add new explanations or engage with side arguments.
Keep your tone steady and your delivery calm.
Stay with it until the pressure stops.
It sounds simple. But for anyone who has been conditioned to over-explain or apologize their way through conflict, it can feel like a radical shift.

So you decide on your statement i.e. I appreciate that you would like a family loan but this is not possible. When at work I had a list of useful statements in my filofax to help me deal wth inappropriate demands.

Good luck

Good god, what an entitled man and possibly daughter too. Don't entertain giving them a penny until both you & your partner are long gone. I would become mean with gifts to them too. I'd shower the children, however, with whatever gifts I could afford! I would also consider leaving the majority of my estate to the children for when they are 25/30 and in need of housing support. I wouldn't let them get their hands on it earlier as 1) their parents may try to snaffle it 2) they may waste it. Your son-in-law has shown his colours.

I would never ever do this. I do lend money to my kids but they pay me back every penny. I'm not in a position to finance them as low income and small savings

vegansrock

“If money were no object of course Id like to help you, but we are on a low income and couldn't afford rent or repayments. DH’s assets are tied up in the house and he doesn't want to risk it - sorry! “(They are being cheekywhatsits. )

No. This is inviting them to show you their calculations that you CAN afford it. Just say no,

Say ABSOLUTELY NOT if he asked for anything similar. Really unbelievable!

Shocking, mean, selfish and manipulative!
Rewrite your will and leave it to dogs or cats or some good cause close to your heart.

I think I’d mention a round the world cruise you are both considering.

Difficult to believe the absolute cheek of the man. Do you suppose your daughter knows what exactly has been said? I would say nothing and if it's mentioned again just say ''definitely not' 'without giving any reasons or justifications which might lead to further discussion.

That’s terrible. My Dad used to offer me money - small amounts nothing like this - and I would refuse and say it’s his time in life and we are grown up now. If I was really struggling I may have taken help in the proviso that it was paid back as soon as possible but not if it meant him selling his home.
I hope it’s your son-in-laws influence and not your daughter (it sounds like that as it was him to discussed it either you).
Just no and I would say that I am upset that they would suggest my life and my home is less important than theirs which is what they are suggesting.
They have a home and only moved in 2 years ago!

The sense of entitlement that some of the younger generation have these days stuns me.

I would say "sorry we already took out a lifetime mortgage to enable us to afford to live as our income no longer covers everything "

I am horrified by this but unfortunately not surprised. People are being encouraged to think that their parents owe them( their own children) and their grandchildren a living.
"Inheritance" is everywhere being touted as an entitlement rather than a gift or a privilege and also large amounts are expected.
What I view as propaganda at government level supports this because it deflects responsibility for political failures from politicians to the older generation.
I am very sorry that the OP has had to put up with this selfish, disgusting behaviour ( "sell your house and rent a place") beggars belief doesn't it.
I'm sure that the OP will be much kinder than I would be in rebuffing this suggestion robustly.
A rebuff from me would be ferocious.

for goodnss sake , speak up, tell them in no uncertain terms they are not receiving an inheritance you are going to spend everything, therefore your daughters husband should ask his parents instead,

I realise the OP and her partner are only in their mid-60s, so it’s wise for them to hold on to their money/savings.
But when we reach late 70s or 80s, its wise to give away your surplus to the children,/grandchildren in order to save IHT.

Tell him to get on his bike!.

Someone earlier on here said try not to feel hurt which is well meaning advice but I don’t see how you could possibly not feel hurt.

I totally agree with the suggestion to pick a short, simple answer stating something like “no that’s not going to happen” and to just stick to that statement, or of course something similar.

The idea is to not deviate from it - not to elaborate or get into a discussion.

It’s probably good advice even for something very minor like being invited to an event we really don’t fancy going to.
In a situation like that I have certainly been guilty of almost tying myself in knots giving an elaborate answer as to why we can’t attend !

Nelli123 OMG! That is shocking that he brought this up after you'd been recovering from cancer. Made me well up. Absolutely unbelievable. It must have hurt you very much. So sorry. He is a disgusting piece of work to say that to you. I would be so upset with my daughter too, I'm assuming they had discussed it beforehand. Have you told your other children what was said to you?

Peaseblossom

Nelli123 OMG! That is shocking that he brought this up after you'd been recovering from cancer. Made me well up. Absolutely unbelievable. It must have hurt you very much. So sorry. He is a disgusting piece of work to say that to you. I would be so upset with my daughter too, I'm assuming they had discussed it beforehand. Have you told your other children what was said to you?

No, she's my only child.

Nelli123

Having just returned from a visit to my daughter, I'm still reeling from what my son-in-law suggested to me. My partner and I are in our mid-60s, have a mortgage-free home and we're on a very low income although we do have savings. My son-in-law picked me up from the airport and we were chatting about things, and the subject came to house buying. Now, 2 years ago my daughter and her husband bought a house and are seemingly happy with it. However, as their 2 sons are currently starting school, they would love to move a bit closer to the school. They're not far as it is at the moment in any case. All of a sudden my son-in-law said to me that me and my partner could sell our house and give my daughter (she's my daughter but my partner is not her Dad) advance inheritance, and then get a rented flat or house ourselves. Or alternatively, we could get a mortgage against our house (it's mortgage-free now) and lend them the money. I was so gobsmacked that I couldn't even say anything, it was so outrageous! My daughter has not mentioned this to me, but she's been dropping hints about house buying. I just feel completely shocked, disappointed and sad. Just to add, me and my partner met up in our 40s, and bought the house mainly using my partner's assets as he sold his own flat when we moved in together. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and how did you cope?

how entitled is he /she! Absolutely. Knock that idea on the head straight away otherwise he'll carry on with the "hints"

Ridiculous. Nay, nay and thrice nay. So they live near to school anyway. Let them count their blessings and cut their cloth according to their means. I was so proud to get my first job and, hooray, be financially independant.

Plevey08

Wow... cheeky! I agree with NotSpaghetti. Knock it on the head straight away.

I agree with what NotSpahetti says too.
What a fecking liberty !

Absolutely not!
You've worked hard, you are mortgage free and you've bought up your kids. You are still relatively young so it's time for yourselves now and for enjoying things for you!
I can't believe he asked you that!
Tell him to do one!

I couldn't imagine expecting my my to sell her home, live in a rented one and then give me the money... Obviously at her age it certainly wouldn't be a loan! If she's leaving me anything I'll get it once she gone...

If any of my kids wanted that from me and didn't take the first no then they'd get a, shock when I do die lol they'd get a lot less or nothing for having the nerve to expect me to do that. And my will would state exactly why.