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Post wedding blues

(27 Posts)
Millie8 Thu 15-Feb-18 20:05:02

Hi,
Just wondered if other Mothers of the Groom have suffered with this, it is the name I have given to how I'm feeling. Having come home from my son's wedding 5 days ago, I am on the verge of tears all the time. It's not as if my son has just left home - he is 30 and has lived away from home for 3 years and with his girlfriend for 3 months. I was and still am, so happy for them, she is a lovely girl and they are well suited. After all, this is what we mothers want for our offspring isnt it?! I just wish this horrible tearfulness would go away!

Luckygirl Thu 15-Feb-18 21:15:53

Weddings are very emotional! I am sure many of us will understand your feelings.

MawBroon Thu 15-Feb-18 23:12:14

Yes, yes and yes!
Never mind, it does pass.

mollie Thu 15-Feb-18 23:14:40

Seriously? shock

Christinefrance Fri 16-Feb-18 07:21:39

It's the separation thing I think. Your son has a wife now and you have been superseded and the excitement of the wedding has gone. This too will pass, be happy for them and move on with your life.

Irenelily Fri 16-Feb-18 10:49:07

I agree that it will pass, keep in touch, occasional phone call or text NB not too often! Have you any daughters or is he your one and only? If so that is hard - was he in contact when he lived with his partner because I doubt that will change. I have one son and 3 daughters. I do hear more often from the girls - I think it just the way things are. Even in these modern days the man founds his family - it’s biological too. Girls bear children and often instinctively keep the bond close! Now someone will pop up and tell me of a daughter they don’t hear from!! Try and keep positive Millie - all these emotions are part of being a mum! (flowers)

Lusitanialil Fri 16-Feb-18 10:59:05

Looking forward to my 70th birthday the day before my Son's wedding and gd's christening the day after and his 40th birthday the next day - determined not to have a meltdown afterwards. Lucky to have a very supportive family after losing my husband - told them to just shove my wedding hat on my head and point me in the right direction.

Kim19 Fri 16-Feb-18 11:10:53

Yes, I remember the transition from being No 1 woman to surviving pretty much nowhere at all. Difficult but decidedly self indulgent and the upside is I was so happy to see him moving into adult life so successfully. Fact is every day I wish I could see a bit more of him but he is in a very busy modern life. Mmmmmmm. Love him to bits.

Seftongran Fri 16-Feb-18 11:21:43

Yes, I recognise your feelings. My son lives down in the south. He married an Indian girl with a big family all living close by. I was worried that he would be 'swallowed up' by them and we would lose contact. I suppose (6 years later) that has happened to some extent, but we now have two lovely GC and we are the 'exciting' grandparents because they don't see us so often. DS keeps in touch by occasional phone calls and WhatsApp messages!

DiW1 Fri 16-Feb-18 11:25:06

I experienced exactly the same when my younger son got married to the girl who is now my wonderful DIL. 4 days after the wedding I woke up in tears and it took me ages (and a walk up a mountain) to work out why. I think it's because as the mother of sons you are used to coming first with them. You're the first woman in their lives on all sorts of levels. When they marry the pecking order officially changes. Of course in reality it had happened to me a few years previously when my son met and eventually started to live with his lovely girlfriend but a wedding makes it formal. You're no longer next-of-kin. It's the natural order of things but it takes a bit of adjustment
There's also a clue to these feelings in the way they kick in after 4 or 5 days -remember the 4 day baby blues? Emotions all over the place....
My advice is to just hang on in there. Life is full of breadth as well as depth. Your family has grown, not diminished. I hope your life will be enriched as mine has by a lovely thoughtful DIL, my son's happiness and contentment and.....grandsons!

Craftycat Fri 16-Feb-18 11:30:21

I think it is just the come down after the build up of the wedding & all the planning etc.
Console yourself that hopefully soon there will be gorgeous grandchildren for you to spoil. Trust me they are even better than our own children!

sarahellenwhitney Fri 16-Feb-18 11:39:01

You have been the one woman in his life now there are TWO of you. My own mil could not accept her boy was now a husband until I produced two grandchildren and that is when it all changed.She took me under her wing and could not do enough for me.

Overthehills Fri 16-Feb-18 11:59:08

You are not alone! But try not to worry because you will get over it. I feel like you every time my son leaves to drive to his home five hours away but it only lasts for a little while now. At first I used to remind myself of all the positives - lovely DiL (exactly who I would have chosen!), happy home, good job, and above all a good relationship with him and that helped. I’ve never felt like the second woman - I’m his Mum, she’s his wife - win win! Be kind to yourself, it will pass, I promise. flowers

GabriellaG Fri 16-Feb-18 12:18:26

DiW1

Next of kin is officially the closest living bloodrelative. Your son's wife is not his next of kin.
You and his father are first and his siblings are second tier next of kin.

carol58 Fri 16-Feb-18 12:49:06

I felt exactly the same after my daughter's wedding. Floods of tears on and off for a few weeks after. Just a release of emotion. I was the same after her graduation ceremony too. It will pass!

keffie Fri 16-Feb-18 13:44:50

I don't see it like that. I have gained a lovely DiL. I have one daughter who lives abroad. Our DiL is absolutely the perfect one for our eldest. We get on well. She is very close to her mom who lives minutes away. They had there first child last August. I accepted right from the beginning her parents would see more of our Grandson.

It doesn't mean I am not a little envious of her mom at times (not in a nasty way) however she never stops our eldest helping us out. They have 2 cars. We don't have one.

She knows I dont interfere. We see them twice a month. We seen more of them over Christmas this year than her parents did with the way it worked out.

I know some DiLs and some Pil can be nightmares which doesnt help. I just don't see it like alot do.

I share our eldest now and quite rightly his wife comes first.

My ex deceased MiL was a nightmare and whilst I am not like her i was determined to be the extreme opposite of her.

My MiL now by my 2nd husband is wonderful. I ensure she is in the loop and we get on well

NanaG Fri 16-Feb-18 14:49:11

Gabriella G - I don’t know where you get that idea from! The spouse is the legal next of kin and the ‘second tier’, as you put it, are the (adult) children. Parents and siblings come after them.

Millie8 Fri 16-Feb-18 18:51:27

Thannks for all your kind messages. It means a lot to know I'm not the only one!
I have 2 sons Irenelily, the other one is getting married this August! We talk almost every week and send photos and messages via Whats App (what a brilliant invention) My new DIL has just invited us to lunch for my sons birthday which is lovely of her.
Her family is very big too, Seftongran, so I guess I feel a bit the same as you but I'm glad she has not got a tiny family like us (a grand total of 8!)
keffie and sarahellenwhitney, I try very hard to be a nice MIL and think I am suceeding - I was invited to her hen weekend and it was great!
I agree with you DiWi and Overthehills, about my lovely thoughtful DIL and my son's happiness and they both want children......
Thank you all again, I am already feeling better as I havent cried today!

MawBroon Fri 16-Feb-18 19:20:09

Forgive a lengthy “cut and paste” but I too was surprised at the authority with which GabriellaG defines “next of kin”
If you get bored, it is only the early bits which matter.
This is the legal definition of “next of kin”

Next of kin refers to the person entitled to the estate when a person dies without leaving a will. As next of kin if you believe that a will has been made but has not been found you can take steps to try to trace a will. In the event of no will being traced the estate will be shared out under the 'rules of intestacy'. These rules set out who deals with the estate and who benefits from it

Next of kin are chosen in a strict order set out below

The husband, wife or registered civil partner of the person who has died. (But not their unmarried or unregistered partner - common-law spouse).

Children of the person who has died if they are over 18 or their children's descendants (i.e their grandchildren) if they are over 18

The parents of the person who has died

Brothers or sisters of the person who has died providing they have the same mother and father as the dead person (or descendants of the brothers and sisters)

Half brothers or sisters of the person who died providing they had either the same mother or the same father as the dead person (or their descendants) .

The grandparents of the person who died

Uncles or aunts 'of the same blood' of the person who died (that is to say brothers and sisters of the dead person's parents providing they had the same mother and father as the dead person's parents) or their descendants

Uncles or aunts 'of the half blood' of the person who died (that is to say brothers and sisters of the dead person's parents providing they had the same mother or father as the dead person's parents) or their descendants

If there are no living relatives the Crown (the state) will deal with the estate and will also have any benefit from the will

In the case of brothers and sisters having equal right to deal with the estate letters of administration will normally be given to the first to apply.

willsmadnan Fri 16-Feb-18 19:34:22

Mawbroon is quite right. When my partner of over 40 years died our daughters (as next of kin )were the only ones to be able to sign anything regarding his cremation, disposal of his estate etc. What we considered liberating and unconventional when we were younger was a reality check for me when he died. I was relegated to the role of bystander.

Millie8 Fri 16-Feb-18 19:36:54

My sister in law's friend's only relative was her brother in law so the friend made my SiL her NoK.

Luckygirl Fri 16-Feb-18 20:31:01

Immediately after the weddings of two of my DDs unfortunate accidents occurred to them/their partner. It was all very hard to deal with, simply because we were all feeling very emotional anyway after the weddings. I look back and shudder. But both couples won through and have their own lovely little families.

Lilyflower Fri 16-Feb-18 20:46:26

The ‘Daily Mail’ had an article about how the MOG is often left out of the ceremony and, as the MOB, I emailed it to my daughter and we are trying very hard to make sure the future MIL is included on the day and in future life. She is a lovely women, adores her son and I would hate her to feel abandoned and left out of her son’s life. She has been very kind to my daughter. We only have one life and should spread the love and luck around.

Peardrop50 Fri 16-Feb-18 20:50:12

Millie it is only a temporary feeling of loss before you realise and enjoy what you’ve gained. I notice you use WhatsApp to communicate with ds, we have a whole family group and then we have separate groups with each ds and respective wife. That way you are always chatting to both and making dil feel ‘in’ the family, part of everything and no secrets. We only ever use one to one WhatsApp if we’re arranging a surprise.
Concentrate on being a bigger warm loving family and your sadness will abate.

Woofer Fri 16-Feb-18 22:02:14

I think you are probably reacting in a reasonable way. It is a loss and it will be mourned which doesn't mean it is not right. It’s a transition and your reaction is far more healthy than those mothers who do not accept or recognise it. The wife does take precedence and you are lucky you have a daughter in law who likes you and you like her. It’s good. You've done your job very well and as others have said in time you may have grandchildren. That’s how I console myself, you can’t keep them as children. Well done youwine